Mother's Day was one of the hardest. It just gut punches you to see that card section. I avoided it at all costs.
Heck who am I kidding?? Every holiday without you is difficult to navigate.
Grief is impossible at times to journey through. What I have learned is that you have to roll with the punches. You sit down, no matter where you are...take a deep breath, let those tears fall, and once they subside... you pick yourself off the ground, dust yourself off, and move forward.
Honor those moments.
Don't deny it...its okay.
It is part of the process.
The missing and longing does not subside...just one more day together...just one more laugh...just one more...ANYTHING
The new normal will eventually come. I know this...But it will forever be different. You must honor the difference in the moment and create your new...trying not to get overwhelmed, if at all possible, by the stark difference that is there
A friend of mine sent this and I love what it encapsulates:
I am struggling with this whole adulting thing and am missing the guidance you provided me, the opportunity to bounce ideas off of you and know that your feedback was always strong and important.
I am struggling with having to be brave and all of this, at times on my own. It feels solitary at times and is different. Many folks have reached out and I am grateful for their love and support...but in the dark of the night...when I wake up in the middle of the night...I sometimes still feel my hand on your shoulder and my hand on yours while you lay there...and it is jarring to me...
Life is filled with uncertainty at times and I am finding that I am having to trust my instincts so much more without you.
I am finding myself reaching out more...to be closer to many family members i have neglected in my past. Life was always this or always that...can't do this...can't do that because i have to do this...And besides You were always good at being my information line on what was going on in the family, both near and far.
My birthday and our anniversary was not the same. There was no early morning phone call singing me HAPPY BIRTHDAY off key. There was only silence and apologies for all you would do for all of us at almost every holiday or life moment. You were so good at keeping up with all of the card sending. I can never emulate all of that with everything else I juggle in my life. I will try to do my very best, but it will always pale.
We struggle to pick up the pieces...we feel the hole...feel the empty space your departure left us with...i have never experienced it quite this way... even with my four grandparents deaths. This one strikes so much deeper and is taking me to a place I was not prepared to have to navigate.
I am sad for all of the things you have missed going on in our lives so far. How cancer robbed this for all of us...and for that I still get angry. But I feel that anger subsiding thankfully.
I appreciate the example you set for all of us and I know that this is something I CAN EMULATE. Try to be as positive an influence for those around me. When the going gets tough...
Stay the course.
Keep the Faith.
I am so very close to finishing my checklist of everything I need to do for you...your burial will be the final check-off I think...I know you will be very pleased.
I will honor you in Medora. On our special butte.
We will honor you in Minnesota and celebrate your birthday and celebrate YOU...
The impact you made on each of us.
The love you gave us all so freely.
With deep love and reverence.
We will reminisce.We will laugh. I am sure we will cry.
But it will be okay.
I hope you are looking down on it all and smiling....I pray that we have made you proud and that you can feel what an honor it has been to be your son, your friend and my confidante. I miss that the most.