For some reason...

I have a milestone birthday coming up in a few weeks and I am just not as gracious and as excited and as pumped about it as much as my other high school friends seem to be about reaching it. I have friends who are wanting to throw parties. My family is wanting to throw surprise parties. I however, just want to crawl into a cave somewhere and just let this one pass. I have told them all, "The more I can forget this one, the better off I am going to feel."

"but no means yes..." is what I am being told...and yet I really feel no means NO in this round of ideas.

I don't like the idea of mourning the "Passing of Youth". I do not like the idea of wearing black, draping everything in drab, dark colors, throwing parties with tombstones, black balloons, black streamers, and signs screaming, "Lordy, Lordy..." 

I throw myself into the idea of throwing my mom the best retirement party we can throw. It is being thrown on the same day as the inevitable birthday...if I can just forget it and throw a better party with the family, the happier I will feel. Truly...the less mentioned this birthday is, the better I will feel... I would much rather celebrate something else this year than celebrating the blackness and passing. I know that I threw partieslike this in the past, yet for some reason, I cannot be as graceful about it as friends and family members have been. I just want to fight this one so much.

I think what it really boils down to is the idea of the passing of youth. I can look into the mirror every morning and see the grey/ white creeping onto my face and hairline. I can see the wrinkles beginning to form and I just want to erase it all. I just want to find the REWIND button and go back a little ways and be able to keep on experiencing new adventures with a younger age. Here's the crazy part...I do NOT want to go back and RELIVE the life experiences. I am sooooo happy with where and who I am today. But if I could just stop time to let me play catch up a bit. Soothe this milestone just a bit... I am just not prepared for this hurdle.

Maybe it is the idea that I still feel young. I still feel like I am in my early 30's. Perhaps that is the secret. Perhaps that is what I fear. Growing older and still being "young" in my mind and heart. Watching the image in the mirror grow older and still feeling like I can party like a child. Letting the image betray your mind. And that just makes me so sad...

I just want to go into the 40's guns blazing fighting all the way...is this what the idea of a midlife crisis looks like? That idea of fighting the passing of youth and thinking you are invinceable? Holy crapballs...this sucks...

Blast from the Past #2

Ok I cannot leave you with that last blogpost about "ASSPLOSIONS", as a friend so adeptly just put it...I am just not that kinda guy...
What I have also found in the journal was a list of life lessons both mine and Oprah's...Now many of you have voiced your opinion of the Orpah...yet there are many time when she does in fact speak to me on some deeper level...
I journalled her life lessons list from a post in her magazine...but I also included some of my own as well...

1. What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what.
2. You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.
3. Whatever someone has done to you in the past has no power on the present. Only YOU give it power.
4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same amount of energy for doing something about whatever worries you.
6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for . You become what you believe.
7. If the only prayer you ever say is THANK YOU, it is enough.
8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.
9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.
10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.
11.Trust your instincts. Intuition does not lie.
12. Love yourself and learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.
13. Let passion drive your profession.
14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.
15. love doesn't hurt. It feels really good..
16. Every day brings another chance to start over.
17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.
18. Doubt means don't Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.
19. When you do not know what to do, get still. The answer will come.
20. Trouble doesn't always last. This too shall pass.

See what I mean?? Some of these speak deeper than others...

Higdem-isms:
1. Be at peace.
2. Bring your light to the world and be no longer afraid of the darkness which pervades.
3. Face the world through the eyes of a child- with wonderment and renewed vision.
4. Have Hot Chocolate EVERY day!!!
5. Be Proactive instead of Reactive.A lack of planning on your behalf does not constitute an emergency on my behalf. Get your act together and then we can talk.

Mantras that I need to remind myself of daily. When life gets so crazy, so stressful, When you look in the mirror at the laughlines and the tired eyes and you forget these...a gentle reminder is always a GOOD THING!

What are YOUR mantras?

A Blast from the Past

So one of the joys of unpacking and going through all of your stuff is finding treasures you had forgotten about. One of the things I found in amongst all of my belongings were journals I had written in all the way back to 1996. It has been fun to go back a re-read the adventures, the lamentations, the struggles, and the moments where you find yourself thinking, "What the Heck? Did that really happen?"

I thought it would be fun to jot a few down in the coming months on this blog just to either brighten your day or provoke a conversation. May have been a personal revelation I came upon or a random experience. Either way, it makes me laugh just re-living it and sharing it with YOU.

So for the first of many posts...I take you to Omaha to my past job at Younkers. I wrote:

"So I am going up the escalator the other day at work. An elderly gentleman gets on in front of me and is 3 or 4 steps up from me and probably not knowing, or caring, decides that he is a going to fart on his way up. Not the light, airy, 'let it slip' kind of fart, but the dark, bubbly, juicy kind that gurgles. And the whole time I am standing there, thinking, 'REALLY'?"

"What the hell?"

"And the whole time you keep riding the thing up? And you don't turn around to apologize?"

This occurrence, as I wrote, reminded me of following Grandpa Higdem in random stores, usually hardware stores, and finding myself behind the gurgle and thinking, "Holy Hell, old man, REALLY?" Have some respect or decorum!

And what did I write that I learned from this experience?

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR SURROUNDINGS.

You are welcome...

Is it possible to forgive AND forget?

If you have read my recent blog post concerning "My defining moment of Christmas" you may know that I am currently dealing with two relatives' biblical view of my life. The response to my blog post has been immensely supportive and for that I am grateful. I have felt the love, believe me! And I have felt guidance on a higher level throughout this entire experience. And for that I am able to grow and bloom.

In the past, I have made wrong choices. I tried so hard to be the director of my life, the captain of my own ship, and sadly tried to "help" others...all in the name of family and friendship... thinking I was helping but yet was only hurting those relationships. But one of the things I have learned from my past mistakes is that the only life you can direct is your own. You cannot direct someone else's life views, cannot interject your own personal views, try to be the parent, when it was not asked for.

One of the last things I stated in my response to these family members was to say that I forgive them. Many of you have commented about how HUGE this response was and how you could not be as forgiving. I went on to state that I may not be able to forget this, but that I most certainly am able to forgive them of their ignorance. If this occurrence had happened say ten years ago, I can honestly say that I would not have been so forgiving. Time does indeed heal everything. But does the idea of "not forgetting" mean that I have truly forgiven these acts?

I struggle with this very topic and to take the tone of Carrie Bradshaw, from Sex in the City, " Is it possible to Forgive AND Forget?" I decided to look into this idea...

Researchers state that "people who are generally more neurotic, more angry, and hostile in life" tend to be less likely to forgive a person even after a great deal of time has passed. They went on to state that these people were also very likely to avoid contact with their transgressor. They also stated that studies showed that those who did forgive were able to lead a healthier life than those who held grudges. The less forgiving people were more likely to have health issues later on in life.

Jesus clearly stated, time and time again, in His teachings, of the importance of forgiveness. The Prodigal Son or The Sermon on the Mount come to mind. "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." Even in His own death Jesus stated, "Father Forgive them for they know not what they do." Yes, I can follow this immense example.

But can one truly forget? When someone has hurt you so deeply, to the very core of who you are as a human being, can you TRULY forgive and forget? I think the answer is yes. And no. Mayo Clinic studies show that the act of forgiveness is a decision to let go of the hurt or resentment or thoughts of revenge. The act of hurt or resentment may always be a part of you, define who you are, or how you proceed with that relationship, but forgiveness can also loosen the grip on you and help you to look at the more positive aspects of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy, or compassion for those who hurt you. I know this to be the case towards these two particular family members. I cannot hold onto the fact that they live in a small town, have not experienced the world, live in a glass bubble, and are sadly ignorant to the world evolving and changing around them against them.

In discussions with my pastor, who happens to be my own father, I have found great solace. When asked what my reaction to this whole situation was, I immediately stuck my arms out in a STOP motion and said "This." I went on to explain that there were many things that made me sad about the situation. But solace will be found in setting boundaries.

One was the fact that going forward, when knowing that there would be possible family functions ahead in the future, that sadly the next question out of my mouth would have to be, "Who's invited". I am not going to put myself, or Justin, in a situation where either of us would be cornered, or used as a dart board, and treated disrespectfully again.

Second was that I sadly allowed someone from my own family, someone that I hear from once a year, that I see once a year, if that, to have that much control over my emotions and my life and my holiday. And truthfully how important is this relationship to me? When it really gets down to the nitty gritty of it, this relationship is surface only and to sever ties would not be out of the question. I allowed her too much power in my emotions and in my life and will not make that mistake again. What screamed out to me after reading and thinking about her letter was the fact that she did not know me, nor did she ever attempt to find out more about me. Nor did she ask anyone around her about me or my life...she just shot and targeted and attacked.

She has apologized to both my Mom and I in a quick one sentence letter to each of us. It stated simply, " I am sorry that I hurt you." That is the correct reaction.

So can one forgive and forget? And is it true forgiveness if one cannot forget? The research has found that despite the cliche I have grappled with here, forgetting is virtually impossible. Forgetting may not be realistic or even a desirable goal. "Forgiveness does not involve literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers true through painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stirs up contempt."

I like this very much. And given time, I think this is the avenue I can pursue. For now...I let it go. Pray to God to grant me peace in my life. Pray to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

amen...

One of the coolest things about teaching...

One afternoon there seemed to be a turnstile at my classroom door during my prep period...

I love the fact that student who have graduated come back and visit. I had three students in one afternoon come back to spend time touching base with me. It was kind of an odd, yet cool, occurrence... these three students did not come together, did not know each other, and all walked into my classroom within three to five minutes of each other.

The first young man was in my Competitive Speech course and was able to travel with us to Europe last summer. He met his girlfriend in my CS class. She was a foreign exchange student only with us for one semester. He is actually moving back to Sweden this weekend to be with her. I admire his fearlessness and his ability to leap with no limits. He has his work visa, but no job and is perfectly okay to play banjo for his supper! I LOVE THAT!!!! I wish him soooooo much success! To live with fearless abandon!

Five minutes later in walks a young lady I had the opportunity to have in class for two years, beginning with my Drama 1 class. She had to be a student of mine through my first year of teaching! She is such a dear heart and struggled so much with living in Little Rock, being from Chicago. When she walked into my class that day, she had a little one in her arms. This beautiful young woman was holding her newborn girl with the most beautiful head of hair! She had come to introduce me to her brand new daughter, and to be in my classroom one last time, as she was moving back to Chicago. How cool that she wanted to say goodbye before moving. I will miss her dearly. And she made me feel so special, that she wanted to introduce me to someone so special to her...a precious bundle of beauty...such little fingers!!! Super Sweet!

Then a little while longer, another young man walked thru my door. He had been back from the West Coast. He had moved out there for a true love and to begin a new life. He was coming in to say goodbye before he left a couple of days later.

And these are three of many. I love that students come back to say hello, to come and hang out over lunch, to fill me in on all of their adventures. I love hearing from them, to hear of all their successes, and how much their independence excites them.

And I know that there will be many more. And I love that they do come back to say hello and share the adventures of their lives.

I am grateful for this added bonus of teaching.

This very cool video was shot, under the direction of Scott Penberthy, using Lady Gaga's song "Edge of Glory" to showcase one couple's struggle and adventures getting to the altar. It is so beautifully created, editted, and showcases such wonderful talent but highlights some of the things that are on my heart. It is my hope and wish to someday have this type gathering for family and friends to share a life defining event such as this with Justin. It is a beautiful homage to "true love, friendship, and the struggles we all take to leap without hesitation into the arms of love".

I have taught my high schoolers to not live their lives in a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" situation and that the time for enjoying and learning from your life is now. If something does not make you happy, why struggle with it? So many gay people are struggling with those who do not understand, who cannot comprehend being "different", who use the Bible to judge and condemn, when we truly need to follow the teachings of Jesus and love each other, treat each other with the same love and respect that we would expect, and live our lives to the fullest each day.

Penberthy writes, " This video is for everybody who has ever loved and was loved in return. To those that think that it never does or will get better, it does. It does get better- It becomes beautiful."

This video encapsulates this for me. Perhaps my bucket list will change a bit? Perhaps this is a possibility? Perhaps Justin and I can find this type of gathering as a possibility in our futures? I would love that very much.

The Power of the Arts Continued...

As many of you may know from reading a past blog entry entitled, "The Power of the Arts" you learned that we have been seeing arts programs cut from curricullums across America at an alarming rate. We have even seen hints of it in our own school district. It is scary to think that even some our own current Republican Presidential candidates have touted the removal of The Department of Education and all it entails as a means to make cuts in our budgets to "save money". Some have even specifically told people that art and an education in the arts are not as important as "test scores" and "making the grade" not even thinking about the fact that we, as educators, need every possible avenue to be able to reach our students at whatever avenue they require, whether it be through a calculator or a paint brush or a theatrical performance or a bonson burner.

This video is a culmination of a great deal of time and effort in order to help emphasize that point...through the eyes and words of past North Little Rock High School graduates and parents of graduates who have been away from the program a little while. Now MORE THAN EVER, they recognize what arts in an educational setting has provided, not only for them, but also for generations to come.

I am EXTREMELY PROUD of this work and am so excited to be able to present it to you.