That's life, folks!!!!!!

I am reflective on this day...

Always tend to be as I get closer to my birthday.

I found this photo on a Facebook page of a friend and the bells and whistles just kept going off.

Isn't this true?

It covers the full gamut of life and all its messiness, it's beauty, it's grandeur, it's awful dark nature.

But, as it says, you have to keep going...reading every line, filling each moment as fully as possible. 

I firmly believe, as I reflect on my soon to be 47th birthday, that everything was placed there for a divine reason. Every hurdle. Every accomplishment. Every smile. Every heartbreak.

Building us both within and outside of ourselves for a bigger purpose.

And we have to honor that.

I have found stronger patience in my 47 years.

I find that I breathe differently.

I find that I approach things so differently these days than I did in my 20's.

You know, if I was given an opportunity to speak to my 20 year old self, I would say...

Keep on the course you are going.

Keep the fast pace.

Be kinder to yourself on life and love.

Because you are going to reach the tender age of 47 and think...

WOAH

 that was fast...

but oh so glorious!

And in the words of the immortal

AEROSMITH

"I don't wanna miss a thing!"

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Friends...
Mark Manson is my spirit animal...He wrote this amazingly empowering book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK." And it is everything...he covers so many life lessons to be learned...but beware...the language is not for the faint of heart...but perhaps that's the point he is trying to make?
The ability to say what needs to be said, without filter, and drive it home.
I wish I could be more like him but I was raised with a filter under the guise of "MORALS" or upbringing... Perhaps it was under the rose colored glasses of Christianity. Perhaps it is my passive aggressiveness...
Perhaps it is something else...not sure. Too many reasons...

Yet I look at my life and all I see is this damn filter.
What if we could live life without a filter?

I am constantly trying to remind myself of everything I tell my kiddos to do...
Don't live your life in a shoulda, coulda, woulda situation. Don't live your life reserved and inside the parameters of what someone else expects of you.
Splash some color on it and get out there and don't give a flippin' care about what others think.
Living MY life as I dream...
Live life to its fullest potential.

And yet...

The older I get, the more I find solace in the same schedule.
The same comfort food.
The same music.
The same.
The same.
The SAME.
And there is great solace in that. It gets harder and harder to step outside that comfort zone and I quickly become hypocritical on so many levels.
And I have to remind myself...
NO.

Live the good life.
Fight the good fight.
And take the bumps and bruises with a grain of salt and look for the reasons to grow.
Growth is hard.
Growth is scary.
Growth is what we HAVE TO DO in order to remain creative, remain true, remain breathless.
Find the positive in every negative situation, because it is always there
Feel the goosebumps.
Do the things that take your breath away
And live the life you are destined to live.
With every challenge.
With every crazy situation.
And with great amounts of color on that canvas!

A thought to grow from...

As I was driving to school this morning, the song "Love Wins" came on by Carrie Underwood and it just got me to thinking...

This world is so scary right now.
Hatred is allowed (and supported) to thrive.

Guns are being used to kill our children in our nation's schools. Never have I ever been able to get used to having to facilitate fire drills, tornado drills, and "active shooter" drills...My how things have changed... The spike in gun shootings in America's schools has escalated and most people "Sending love and prayers" rather than doing something about it. And folks are NOT LISTENING. What horrifies me is that students had to live through heinous acts in their own safe zone classrooms, trying to speak up and begin the conversation on how to end the bloodshed and then are labeled "Heathens." "Activist" "Immature" rather than HEROIC and MOTIVATED and MATURE and heralded.

White supremacists and hate groups grow and grow and grow with no sign of ending. And it seems that our Presidential administration has given them justification for their voice. His election rallies set the tone 3 years ago and I dread the upcoming circus we are most certain to have.

Folks...
It is time.

Underwood's lyrics correctly state" How the hell it's ever come to this?"

It is time to emulate LOVE and RESPECT and UNDERSTANDING.

And truth comes through...we are not going to be able to do this all by ourselves. We have to figure out how to speak our minds, but also to listen. Every point is important but we also have to understand that we can't continue like this and expect survival. As her lyrics continued, " Sometimes it takes a lot of faith to keep believing there will come a day when the tears and sadness, the pain and hate, this struggle, this madness, will fade away."

Just keep loving folks.
Loving each other.
Give someone you pass on the street or down the hall a smile today.
It's important.

I do firmly believe that Love Will Win in the end...
but we have such a long way to go sadly

Always looking for the approval of others? WHY?

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh friends!!!!

This is me to a TEE!!!

I have always been a people pleaser, almost to a fault.
I have spent years upon years upon years attempting to make my parents proud...
my grandparents proud...
friends proud...
And always knowing that I need to be there for others...
Who may or may not be there for me in return.
And forgetting the importance of finding a strong sense of self.

Here is what I am learning about myself...
People pleasers have an incredibly strong desire for approval and validation from others and very well may be totally insecure in their own various relationships.  Results? They tend to conform to decisions or aspects that they may not necessarily agree with. Most of all, people pleasers attempt to give out all the airplane oxygen masks before putting on their own first...nourishing others and depleting yourself at a major cost.

This description was totally me until the warning flags went off in my head. Perhaps it was age. Perhaps I still have more to learn about this and am still deep in the trenches of this aspect of my personality. This strong desire for approval still haunts me. I work so hard to make sure the job I am doing not only is to the quality I expect, but also that it will make those close to me proud, Those I respect and admire proud, or those in charge of the experience okay with the job I have done. And it is usually comes at a great cost to me personally and lessens the accomplishments.

Heads up...totally honest moment...I am in a transitional part of my life...I think it has alot to do with my age, my view of my life, and who I want to be versus where I saw myself years ago at this point in my life. I am realizing that fundamentally at my core, I have always had a strong insecure sense of self...I always have. I have never been fond of the bean pole frame I had when growing up. NEVER took my shirt off...in fact HATED it. I considered myself weaker to the other guys around me. Weaker and not very athletic. Hated all things sports. And just plain considered myself weak... to be honest...I have carried this with me all of my life...

One particular moment is emblazoned on my heart and memories. I was in Boy Scouts growing up and kinda liked it? I was in it for my father if I am going to be honest. Transferred out to join show choir and theater later on. SHOCKER. We were all over at a fellow scout's house and just completed the meeting and were outside playing. It was suggested that we play basketball. I melted down a bit as I did not want to play basketball. My dad was embarrassed, I think, and scolded me and forced me to play...it was then decided that we would be playing "shirts versus skins". The concept or possibility of me having to take my shirt off to play this game I did not want to play was too much and I melted down even farther. My dad was pissed!!! I did not want to be there. I was weaker than the other boys and definitely not as popular as they were...and skinnier than they were...perhaps learning that I was attracted to them as well and afraid of what all that entailed and in denial...and of course, throw in the hormones of growing up...along with dealing with my coming out process and all that entails...and it messed me up.

Why were the popular boys always more confident? Stronger? Beefier and agressive and at times crueler...More out of my league...And I was just gawky, awkward, artistic, creative, and just weaker in general as I was growing and growing and growing and not comfortable in who I was as a human being on this planet.

I have carried this with me for many years. It was too much and have never had enough belief in myself...my strength, my ability to navigate through life with this strength. It has always been a challenge.

The true challenge ahead of me is the deal with the feelings and emotions of my past, find a stronger sense of my self, and learn to be even better at setting up my own personal boundaries. Set expectations for myself, try not to pay much importance to other's expectations or perceived expectations (a big issue for me), and ignore judgement or perceived judgement. Chart my own course, set boundaries,  and give the importance of my time and effort and friendship to those I love.

I am working on myself and building myself up physically, thanks to my husband. I am working out and trying to feel better about my body and just about me in general. I force myself to get up every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 4:45 am and go work out with a personal trainer. It is the only way I can motivate myself to stay in it. I have had the gym memberships in the past purely out of self guilt and not always liking what I see in the mirror.  I still don't if I am going to be particularly honest with you. However, as RuPaul always says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" And I am jumping up and down over here in the corner screaming AMEN!!!!!!

Justin is in workout mode to build lots and lot of muscle...I am just trying to lose weight and grow to like who I see in the mirror every morning. I need to build my own strength in myself and my sense of self, not only for myself, but also for Justin. He pushes me, in all the best ways, to become a better version of myself and always has. I am forever grateful to him for it all.

This sounds selfish and perhaps it is on some levels...however I am also learning it is okay to say "no". I am learning that I have to make sure that my priorities are clear and consistent...I have trouble with this...I need to learn to be more assertive and speak my mind if I don't agree with something.

Always learning, friends...even with a pending 48th birthday...
Where did those years go?

A performance...and my life's mantra

I was asked to perform for a fundraiser event last weekend to raise money for a cause and theater I hold near and dear to my heart. The evening was created to raise money for their summer theater camp, their continuing adult theater class education, and for the ability to bring children into the theater during the school year, to see their current production, have a Q&A with the cast, and have lunch provided. They raised $17,000 for continuing education in the arts and I could not be more proud to have been asked to perform!

The evening was amazing and wonderful to be able to reconnect with a role from a show that meant the world to me and to so many others. It was so terrific to be able to spend time with folks who have become family and to share an evening with so much talent and passion for a craft we all partake in.

What moved me even more was the chance to revisit a song that has defined my life since I left the role. I had forgotten a little about the depth these lyrics truly have...a MANTRA for living your life, no matter what your sexuality, religion, life path, or truth.
You have ONE LIFE.
NO RETURN.
NO DEPOSIT.
SO it is time to open up your closet and get out there and accept who you are, who others are, and grow from there. Accept others for who they are and live life to your fullest potential!
It has rejuvenated my course. Enlivened my passion to work hard tearing down the walls of ignorance and show that LOVE and LIVING TRUTHFULLY is all that matters.

Can we love the sinner and hate the sin?

Is this a fair statement?
Are we actually capable of doing this?

As Christians, this phrase is hurled around so much lately to get them out of a uncomfortable conversation. Gandhi in his autobiography, brought a discussion of this phrase to the forefront. He writes, "Hate the sin and not the sinner  is a precept which, though easy to understand, is rarely practiced, and that is why poison of hatred spreads throughout the world." Gandhi argues that using this phrase is an excuse to judge another person because it cannot be effectively practiced.

And friends, this phrase has been used on me numerous times and I just cannot put up with it any longer.
From friends.
From folks I considered close family.
And it just brings such churl and bile to my stomach.

Lest we forget...We are ALL SINNERS. We ALL have things that we are going to have to account for when we kneel before the throne of God. The phrase is FILLED with judgement, filled with contempt on life "choices" and courses...which are now falsehoods.

This phrase presents actually a strong division. A division between those who are labeled sinners and those who have deemed themselves not sinful, but truthfully, this phrase is an easy out for those who consider themselves devout Christians. An out for a difficult conversation about sin. An out for those who forget about Jesus' life purpose...to love even the darkest of sinner, to love your neighbor as yourself, and to live a life filled with love for your fellow man. Even the statement itself pales and reveals the fact that it is okay to HATE the sin. Perhaps we should all embrace the fact that we are all sinners, we are all guilty of breaking the rules? 1 Peter 4:8 states: "Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins."

My life's mantra has always been that of wearing love for your fellow man everywhere you go to everyone you meet. Love. LOVE. LOVE.

Hate is so prevalent in our country these days. And nowhere is it more prevalent that towards the queer population. LGBTQ community members have been forced to move away from organized religion because of this very statement and for that I am saddened. I am not going to hold back any longer...We have seen a movement in the last few years, under this divisive Presidential administration that it is okay to fling hate left and right and that this action, deemed by our illustrious President, as something that is okay or supported. Christians left and right are hypcritically turning a blind eye to what this administration is doing, breaking down the rights of my community and we are supposed to sit idly by and say it's okay? All under the name and guise of Christian ethics and standards?

I say NO. 

"Religious Freedom" has been thrown around here lately in the press and from this administration. Every religion, according to our forefathers, is welcome in this country. Whether it is that you are Muslim, Jewish, or Atheist, or a Satan worshipper or Christian, whether you are gay, straight, or transgender, black or white, immigrant or natural born, our forefathers intended that you are welcome here in this country. But what folks don't seem to understand is that this whole "Religious Freedom" movement we are seeing is a movement to discriminate against the LGBTQ population and this administration, under the divisive eye of both the President AND Vice President, is guilty of its promotion. And should we be surprised? Just look at Pence's track record during his tenure as Governor of the state of Indiana, where he supported discriminatory bills towards the LGBTQ community, including conversion therapy, which has now been proven as HORRIBLE. Give Boy Erased a read or watch the movie and then we can discuss.

Folks, there is a very clear separation between church and state in this country and when a supposed belief in God is used to discriminate against others in this country and that this is OK to some in this country, I have a real problem with that. It creates a "You are not equal to me, because you love another man." "YOU are not equal to me because another woman has stolen your heart." "You are less than me because of who you choose to love"

Yet we are all created equal according to our forefathers who created this country.
You see the problem?
It is discrimination.

Just this very semester, one of my children was forced to stop competing with a piece, that was very CLEARLY a competitive piece on a national level and accepted as such on a national level, because it contained content centered around the birth of Jesus. This very devout  Christian student was told she could not perform this piece, even though she had earned her spot at Tournament of Champions three times over, because ONE PERSON deemed it a "parody of a sacred religion", ONE PERSON who had missed the entire point of the piece and deemed it her responsibility to reign down on a program and competitive style she knew nothing about...

There is a shift in this country and it is time to WAKE UP!
We have a choice coming in 2020.
Are we going to fuel more HATE?
Are we going to allow HATRED to grow and become an accepted part of the framework of our country's future?
Are we going to allow discrimination to run rampant and build even more than it already has? This current President and his entire administration has set a VERY clear path and course when it comes to discrimination...VERY CLEAR.

I am not a Republican. (SHOCKER)
I am not a Democrat. (EVEN BIGGER SHOCKER)
I consider myself very independent when it comes to politics.
But I cannot rightfully align myself with this current administration and will do everything I can to get change back into this country.

I would hope that we all spend some time in reflection and decide what we are going to allow...
And please by all means...if this has been a phrase you have adopted as your guise for how you interact with others...by all means, move at a glacial pace and figure out where you stand on this and if it is going to be on the side of judgement...remove me from your ranks...

Losing touch and exhausted

I am reaching the end of a turbulent semester and am just plain exhausted. I logged on today and realized that shamefully had not logged on since January. Blogging and writing provides such an outlet for me but it is also just one more thing on a vast list of things that turn into things "I need to get done" and I just can't sometimes bring myself to get in here and drop down a line or two. Ever felt the same? How do you navigate through moments like that?
Am feeling the need to regroup as I feel like I have been losing touch over the past few years who who I am. I have lost my sense of direction and at times my purpose? When I feel those moments of doubt, and pain, and questioning come creeping in, I am gently reminded about my kiddos, my students, and the energy they bring to my life as well as my classroom and I find my course once again. I am so grateful for all of this. I am reminded of a parent who approached me at our Awards Night with tears in her eyes and gratitude on her heart....for leading her child through the darkest times of her life and for being a safe place for her to unload her emotions and know that she was in a safe place. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it again...

Teaching is NOT for the weak-hearted. And yet there are times when it is the most underappreciated occupation in the nation. Friends will comment about how my part time job is going, which makes me bristle. Yes we supposedly get the summer off. I say supposedly because what folks don't know is that there are times where teaching is not your preferred passion. Summer is the only opportunity to pursue your passion...for me directing. Summer is also the time to take required classes to maintain your teaching license. Summer is time for me to take kiddos to nationals for a week to compete. Summer is a time to reflect on what worked and what didn't work from the year before. Summer is the time to regroup and plan for the upcoming year.
Entering into a brand new school year brings new challenges, new opportunities, new children to get to know and then you enter into a new tournament season, new rehearsals, new goals to set, new problems children face brought to your classroom door to help navigate. My kiddos call me their second Dad for a reason. They know that they can come to me to bend my ear, ask my opinion, know that they are going to get the sometimes hard truth at times, but never without a hug and a moment of encouragement.
It's time to always put on my cheerleader pompoms, time to make sure the difference you want to make in your students lives are met and reached and achieved. Time for no sleep at nights worrying about that next lesson, or the child who brought some difficult news to the classroom. Will they be okay?
It's no wonder I get to the end of the spring semester and feel depleted. Absolutely and completely. I have nothing left to give and yet I have to push forward through the exhaustion. And I know I am not alone.
I am making a promise to myself...to regroup. To reflect. To relax and rest and be kind to myself. To find myself and my reconnect with my passion this summer and share it with you all on here. It is important, not only for me, but also for Justin, who unfairly gets the brunt of this at times and yet continues to love me and support me the best he can, sometimes not fully understanding my work life. He truly is a blessing in my life and I am so grateful to him for everything...