Grief and Gratitude

 While listening to Anderson Cooper's podcast on grief, entitled "All There Is", he does a phenomenal job of opening himself up. He is raw and present and not afraid to show his emotions as he asks the questions we all struggle with when faced with grief and all it encompasses. Of particular note are his interviews with Stephen Colbert (Season 1) and President Biden (Season 2). 

Stephen Cobert's interview speaks of gratitude for grief and how he has navigated through that. He lost his father and two brothers in a plane crash back in 1974. Now while I can see the old adage that "Time Heals Everything"...the concept of gratitude for feeling grief is NOT a concept I am ready to embrace. I still feel a vast amount of emotions around the passing of both my moms but gratitude for the process is NOT a way I would explain my feelings at the moment. I still struggle sometimes on the daily or weekly with regards to feeling their absence and it is varying degrees of depth I feel. Sometimes it is a passing thought, sometimes it is a full-on cry fest. I feel them near me still, which I guess I am grateful for but also feel immense sadness that they are not close to me as we have been in the past.

One aspect I CAN wrap my mind around, centers on an interview Colbert did with Andrew Garfield at the passing of his own mother. Garfield compared grief and sadness to "misplaced love". It is the presence of immense amounts of love for the person gone and having nowhere to put it once they leave us to journey by ourselves...and so it falls down into grief. I can totally buy into this concept for sure.

But am I grateful for the grief and sadness? NO. I would much rather have them here and in my life. And for that, I feel anger. For that, I feel sadness and loss. The gratitude I feel for my mom, Bonnie, is in all she taught me, the example she lead, the vibrancy she brought to our relationship, the fact that she waited for me to be there before she went over, but the amount of grief I have felt at this departure is NOT something I am grateful for. Folks speak of the fact that if we are lucky enough to experience grief, we will have also experienced great love and a journey together...but gratitude is not something I feel at this departure and the process I have had to go through since this departure.

For Pam, it is immense gratitude for acceptance, for love, for the ability to connect on a level that I rarely see in others, and for always being willing to listen and help me when I needed her. Her departure is still very raw for me and I am not at a place where I can fully verbalize where I am in my grief process over her departure.

The silence of these departures still feels deafening. They still fill my thoughts and my own mom holds me when the struggle is real...I can feel her presence and for THAT I am grateful. The hurt and anger I feel at Pam's death has yet to shift towards that but I know that it will. Colbert speaks about the rooms in the mansions of our lives where we are able to open that door at birth and inhabit the rooms of our lives together. However, once that door is closed, whether it is in a more quiet manner, or a violent manner, or a medium struggle to close the door...however it eventually happens, we are no longer able to share life experiences together and we are left out in the hallway staring at the closed door with a door handle that has disappeared and we are no longer allowed access and that SUCKS and hurts. 

I guess I am still staring at these handle-less doors in a hallway feeling frustrated and unable(or unwilling) ( or not strong enough as of yet) to move fully away from that door and move on. And perhaps that's it...for some departures, we don't move fully away from that door and move forward toward letting everything become just a passing memory. I struggle to keep some memories alive...family and friends pass along and I think about them occasionally...I have not had a day that I do not think about Mom and Pam. And for now, I am okay with that.

Just some thoughts to think about friends...

In it for the right reasons...

 The older I get, the more I find myself stepping back and taking in what is going on around me. I sometimes look back on my past and shake my head. It used to be such a whir of movement...the next directing gig, the building of the resume for the big job ahead, the focus on what was around the corner. I think at the time, I was in it for some of the right reasons, but also not paying attention to making sure folks felt like they were getting all of my focus. I feel bad about that.

What I have learned today is...STOP. Breathe and be present. Make the most of each and every moment as it presents itself. And be PROUD of who you are today and what you have accomplished.

There are always going to be folks, who will present themselves in a way that is clearly being  "in it for the wrong reasons" and to them, I say God Bless. Folks who are always about themselves, or presenting themselves in a certain manner and doing things in another way that negates what they represent, and for that, I just don't have the patience. Whether it is the accolades, pretense, or the kudos and the constant need for praise, one has to come to the realization that you are not going to be able to change them, but you also cannot live their live experience for them and those are life lessons they are gonna have to learn for themselves. It comes from some insecurity and believe me, it has taken a long time for me to recognize that in myself as well and attempt to adjust it.

When you are asked to do a job, do it well. Do it knowing that your own name and brand will be on it and be proud of the product you are putting out there, at all times. And make sure that each person you interact with feels like they have 100% of you...your focus, your attention, your shoulder. And I KNOW I have been GUILTY of not doing that in the past and feel great regret at that fact. What was the cost? This is a huge lesson learned, my friends...so take it for what you may...

Folks will say this or say that about me and I have learned, on some level, to stay on my own course and not allow other's opinions to get the best of me...if at all possible. Speak up for myself and my accomplishments when needed, but always take a higher road towards humility and connection and putting my very best out there. Knowing, on some levels, I cannot control other's opinions of me so I just keep pushing forward in a mode of kindness and love first and foremost, navigate the ups and downs and curves life throws at me the best I can, and apologize when I know I have been wrong. Build connection where I can and pay attention at all times to life's ups and downs. For for God sake, don't shy away from the the difficult conversations when you know you can say something to help.

And for all things even higher and holier, try not to focus on regret for the choices I have made in the past. Make amends where you can, but also give yourself grace in knowing that your past is your past and there may be things you needed to do, because that was the mode you were in when you were in the thick of it all.

Carry on...

Facing your grief

A while back, I took a lengthy drive to Minnesota for my cousin Steven's funeral. I made a stop in Minneapolis to have breakfast with life-long friends and we played quick catch-up. We talked about a large array of topics and things...lots to catch up on. One of the podcasts they suggested I listen to was Anderson Cooper's podcast called All There Is. This podcast focuses on his journey through and with grief after the passing of his mother, Gloria Vanderbuilt. I love these long road-trips when I find something thought provoking to listen to along the way.

Lightbulb flashes all the way back to Arkansas. Cooper's journey in and around grief, his sadness, facing the inner checklist and the immense feeling of responsibility to honor your loved ones. It all rang so true to my heart and I share it with folks on the daily if you are struggling with grief. The podcast is powerful and entering into season 2.

My family has experienced an immense amount of grief over the last year and a half. One of the things I learned, navigating through the passing of my mother, is that we all navigate grief on differing levels and that no one is the same. And it is HARD. And it is razor sharp. And it is overwhelming and dark and crazy. I have written about this in the past.

What has stuck out to me this time around is having to navigate the passing of a strong, vibrant woman who's electricity filled every home and room she inhabited. Some are navigating quite healthily, and some not so much. It is not my place to tell someone how to navigate this overwhelming experience, but am also learning that it is not your place to tell me, or force me, how I am going to be expected to navigate my own grief.

Over the last 7 or 8 months, the emotional rollercoaster has navigated away from grief and towards differing opinions on how long to grieve, or pulling folks THROUGH grief and you just cannot do that. Truthfully, I feel angered by this thought process and truthfully have felt like I needed to shift into parent mode, into big brother mode, to help with the situation that truthfully,  I don't feel like I was able to just sit in the grief I feel at Pam's passing. Some of this was learned behavior...jumping into directing Memphis to make Pam proud, forcing feeling aside to "deal with later", ignoring all the signs and symptons and just getting on with life. Struggling through the next year with bringing up more about my own mother's passing...and then navigating through my own Dad's journey of loneliness and loss...

There is much to be said about 30 years of marriage. 30 years of guidance, and love, and support and kindness, and vibrancy, and electricity to have it all swiped away in a matter of a year and a half, in the manner that it went down. We lost her to a glioblastoma brain cancer and to watch that slide into nothingness was absolutely heartbreaking, leaving us all to figure it all out on our own. And that hurts so much. And I am angry. This is hard to watch the fallout still occurring to this day and you just sit there and wonder, "Where is the bottom to this? When will we hit so we can rebuild whatever is left?"

But then to watch folks attempt to what appears to be quickly picking up the pieces and attempting to move forward is also heartbreaking and anger filling. In my own heart, she deserves so much more than to just move on so quickly. But friends, what I learned is that these are my own thoughts and what is right for me at a certain moment on this grief journey, is not the journey I can try and force on someone else for that is their journey. Not mine. And vice versa.

But it is important to face your grief. Allow yourself grace and time to sit with grief for awhile and whatever that may bring. You just cannot force it. You cannot embrace the awful assumed "Well now its time to move on and move forward. You have had enough time to grieve...move on. What's your problem?" American society attempts to dictate at what rate is the APPROPRIATE time frame to grieve and it is WRONG and unhealthy and debilitating to do so.

No one gets to do that. No one gets to decide at what rate and pace you get to grieve. And sadly, when you do that, you run the risk of driving a wedge between you and folks by coming across as a dick. (if I am going to be honest)

If I am also going to be honest, there isn't a DAY that I do not think about my mom. There isn't a DAY that goes by that I do not think about Pam. Folks will come and go from our lives and given time, sadness fades to fondness of memories...but we carry grief with us every day once it enters our lives. It just comes at varying levels of depth and importance. Grief is the inevitable friend no one wants to answer the door to, and yet it will force itself into your safe place eventually. We all will feel it's entrance and will feel great anger at it's stay. And it will define how you move forward in your life for awhile, to varying levels of importance. A new normal as I have typed before.

And as for me, I am needing a reboot and a back track. I was forced to navigate drama and others' grief expectations and left mine on a shelf somewhere...needing to be the dutiful son, the big brother my sister's needed...and while I am thankful for these roles and being able to do that and be there for my family, I also lost track of my own grief and pushed aside what I needed to ( a habit I learned way too early in my life) and spiraled into the family drama, expounding so much energy into the need to help, that I lost track on where I was in my own grieving process. 

I share this with each of you to encourage grace for folks around you. And for God's sake, pay attention and be present for one who is grieving. You may not know what to say, but just being present and hugging and hold space for someone is important. But through all of this, hold space for your own time and focus. Your own journey through grief and what it all looks like on the other side. With eyes wide open (as much as you can in the darkness) and with open heart.

You are loved, my fellow sojourners. Carry on.

Reclaiming my power

I think my goal for 2024 is a reclaiming year of my power...in whatever form that means.

Letting go of the insecurities I have felt, the feelings of not being  enough, of not standing up to the folks who hurt me, not standing up for myself, to folks who do things, react, or make choices that they don't see the consequences of and forcing me to be strong enough to set those boundaries and maintain them.

Being in each moment and allowing myself to grow in my silence, in my listening, and react from there instead of feeling the constant need to fix things or be the one who folks bring the drama to for fixing.

Having the difficult conversations...

May 2024 be the year I find where my true power lies...remind myself of power I have lost track of...see that's truthfully it, friends...it is power I have lost sight of as it has always been there. Underneath...lurking under uncertainty, insecurity, guilt, shame...whatever I have allowed to overwhelm it.

And that is on me to fix. That is on me to navigate. 

Therein lies the journey for 2024. And I am ready for it. 

I think.

We shall see.

Owning your Truth

 

So much has changed. It seems that life ebbs and flows and comes in and comes out like the ocean. I have felt like society's view of gay people has done this very same thing. Coming out back in '93 was scary and jarring, unnerving and uncertain as to the response. But when I did come out to many folks, their response was that they had already sensed this in me and who I was and were okay with it. But it was still something that I shrouded in shame and guilt and having to navigate as a question mark rather than an exclamation point.

There in lies the onward struggle....finding my exclamation point moment for my life...the search and the journey to wholeness and fulfillment of who I am at my core.

And it has been a journey...

• Coming out to friends and family.
• Coming out to close friends I had crushes on, only to be not reciprocated.
• What the Bible says, what I had been taught, what a conservative upbringing in Lutheranism actually meant and how to navigate that for myself.
• The GUILT and SHAME of all that fire and damnation.
• Loving someone who just could not reciprocate it.
• Forced in a nine passenger mini-van for 4 months with someone who you thought was a friend, only to find that they had backstabbed you and was dating the person they had introduced YOU to.
• The dating scene...UFF.
• Yearning for Prince Charming but ignoring the actual reality of your situation until you give it space.
• Growing in a community that was a double edged sword...self-centered and body conscious...and a meat market...but also having self-loathing and body negativity.
• Jumping into a moment that scares the piss out of you, only to find that it brought you out of your shell and provided a year of growth and possibility (Thank you, Mr. Max)
• Jello Wrestling for Charity.
• Clogging Coyote-Ugly-Style on a bar full of lights and patrons...raising money for charity.
• New uses for hot glue and mirror shirts
• Christmas Cabaret One Man shows.
• Friends and connections beyond compare.
• Moving into uncertain territory for a job I KNEW I could do, but was I ready for?
• Meeting the man of my dreams...growing from there.
• Relatives throwing rocks from glass houses and I quickly began to realize where the true support actually was coming from.
• Never having been called a "Faggot" or "Queer"
• Same Sex Marriage Act  passing and marrying the man I love with all my family and friends.
• Living basically back in the closet in a "Good Ole Boy's Club" community all to be a teacher of the craft I loved.
• Learning that the word Tolerance felt different 
• MOVING up to NWA and realizing that this community would ask me to share my story with my kiddos and grow from there.
• Living out and PROUD and sharing my life with my students...
• Recognizing the importance of living a life and creating a classroom environment that I did NOT have when I was growing up.
• Finding my purpose in life.
• Figuring out what to do with guilt and shame. Still am...
• Having a country elect someone who encouraged anger and hatred to have a place at the table.
• Having elected officials tell it's community what you can and cannot say in your life and in your community and in your classroom.
• Making you feel less than others and not valued.
• Being called an ABOMINATION and how to deal with that.
• Hoping that I can still make a difference in my classroom and in my student's lives by living authentically, in the face of opposition.
• Hoping that you are a presence for your LGBTQ+ students that you are OKAY, you are loved, and you are IMPORTANT.
• Wearing LOVE everywhere I go in the face of BIGGOTRY, HATRED, and discourse...as Jesus would truly have wanted.

And for God's sake, it is OK to SAY GAY. To be GAY, to be comfortable in your own skin, to be who you are and NO ONE can take that away from you. Be the presence folks (and kiddos) need in a world I didn't have growing up in and being PROUD of it all. Helping others in their time of need and trying not to live in fear of being hurt.

SO SAY GAY.

GAY and PROUD OF IT!

GAY and OK!

EXCLAMATION POINT.

Journey on, fellow journey folks!

Boundaries are HARD

I learned a hard lesson in 2023...which will also extend into 2024.

Boundaries are HARD.

In the past, I have invested SO MUCH energy in everything I undertook. While that is beneficial and important and valuable, it is also exhausting and sometimes not reciprocated. In the past, whether it was matched or not, I continued to invest, to exude the energy through contact and connection and paid no attention to the consequences.

At what cost...

I have always been told that I am the one who maintains connection with old friends, have always reached out, have always been the one who called, the one who stayed the constant...but at what cost?

Through therapy and many visits with my husband, I came to the realization that I just was not good at boundaries...setting them, maintaining them...any of it. Truth be told, I am still learning these. I have always been afraid to hurt people's feelings, to disappoint people's expectations of me, or what I thought I needed to be. I have always wanted to be like my Dad and folks I look up to( mentors if you will) ... someone people reached out to, who are remembered for being kind, someone of strong advice, a go-to...but at what cost. I found that I was the one exuding the most energy, expending the most time to maintain the connection...

But I have come to realize that we are all human and make mistakes. That folks sometimes aren't as genuine as you remember them. God-forbid that, as you observe these folks you look up to, you begin to realize that their intentions are not always solid and formidable. That they are in it all for the appearances and not in it for the true investment, for the common good of others...and I KNOW I sometimes have a problem with this as well... Here is where the boundary wall needs to be set...and navigated.

The cost, I have come to find, is me...my welfare, my own energy, and exhaustion. 

What I have learned ( and am still learning) is to pay attention to the details...become more observant to the underscore rather than the presentation. Who reaches out without me having to? Whose intentions are a stronger undercurrent rather than what they put out there physically... Who are genuine in their intentions? That sometimes I do not have to be the life of the party, but can actually learn more in silence...and by listening...and observing...and grow from there.

And for that AH-Ha I am grateful. 

The consequence I have learned is that I have lost touch with folks, which is OKAY. Life gets us all...the hecticness of it all, the rat race, and the moving forward motion of life.

But also...setting strong boundaries are important. Learning that other people's choices are indeed that...their choices... and that there are sometimes ramifications for those choices has been a tough lesson for me to navigate and figure out. But I have to protect myself from the hurt caused AND protect those that I love and am closest to in the process. And that is important.

In 2024, I will continue to grow from there.

More soon.

Owning your potential 2023

 I have been away for too long. Here, at the end of the year 2023, and folks are adding in their "What have I learned?" posts and whether it is the contemplativeness of ending a year and beginning a new one, I am also in that head space and 2023 has been a journey for sure. A journey of growth, a journey of pain and a journey of figuring out who I am. Yes, at 51 years old, I am still growing and learning what makes me tick...sounds weird to type that or even say that. I can hear folks say, "But holy hell, you are in your 50's. Haven't you got it figured out by now?" Truthfully, there are a number of things I HAVE figured out.

I wanted to share a 2023 moment that was a occurrence that left me gobsmacked by the time I had completed it. Jump back to 1998 and a young BBH heading to fill a contract in Omaha, Nebraska and falling in love with the community, the area, the people, and the arts scene there. So much theatre and I just felt at home. I felt like I had become a part of an intrinsic family at many of the theatres in the community and fell in love with all the scene was producing and just wanted to be a part of it all.

Now call it youth. Call it knowing deep down feeling the need to build my resume to accomplish great things. Call it pushing away the pain of a childhood divorce trauma that put me in constant "GO" mode...but I knew deep down that when a position opened up at the nation's largest community theatre, I wanted to be a part of it all. As I said to so many folks, who I had become close family and friends with, if there was a potential to throw my hat in for leadership at THAT theatre at the highest level, I would indeed do that. And do that I did.

It has been 15 years since I took on the teaching journey, and there have been 3, maybe 4, opportunities to throw my hat in for that position. I have always touted my talent, the large resume of shows I have built over the years, what I would bring to the table, but also the STRONG community connection I still maintain to this very day. And their choice has always been to go outside of the community, for that New York connection, for which I can see the notoriety of it all. But a phrase I have embraced over the years has been, "How has that worked for you?" Because of the 3 opportunities I have had to be able to throw my hat in for whatever came to me, you can see that these decisions to go out of community have pulled folks in who have used this theatre as a stepping stone, or pulling someone in who just doesn't understand the community and they have been asked to leave. 

The last selection was the hardest one to take as I prepared for a whole year to get that interview. Hours upon hours of preparation, and power points, and research, and thought, and passion, and fore thought and finally got the word that I would get an actual interview with the search company (in New Jersey). It went so well and I was so excited. Jump ahead and found out that I did not even get in front of the theatre's search committee and that I would "understand once the candidate was revealed". They announced their selection and I was just puzzled. All I could see was a younger version of me...and a young man who maybe had a bit more arts management and I just cannot wrap my head around what kind of school THAT avenue would entail. I am too old to go back to MORE school and just have this crazy resume I worked so hard to build.

We then jump ahead and they announce the associate position opening and I look at the job requirements and it was ME. ALL OVER IT...ME...my interview points...It was everything I had interviewed with for the head position and I just got more and more puzzled. A friend (on the search committee) asked if I was applying and I replied with a solid NO. "No... when you could have had a stronger candidate bring all of that education and entertainment experience in the head position, and you chose elsewhere." The response was, "Well, he is no Brandon Box-Higdem and you have been gone for such a long time." (This friend had encouraged me to get my face, my work, back in front of folks up in the theatre scene and I just could not pull all of that together...you hire from outside the community and that candidate doesn't need to "get their face in front of the community"...why would I?)

BAM.

That was when the AH-HA moment hit. And it was time. I had never realized that this was a moment where I needed to OWN who I was as a director, first and foremost. Who I was as an artist. Who I was as a creator and nurturer and champion of the arts. I had down-played for too long and had I took a deep breath.

"You are right, friend, he is no Brandon Box-Higdem. You all have consistently gone outside of the community and chosen someone who doesn't understand your community. I have always maintained my friendships from folks I considered colleagues, family, and close friends in the area and yet you chose someone younger and just as talented as I. I have built a solid resume from which to provide a firm base on confidence and craft and strong reviews. And to you all, I say good luck. Good luck and I hope he doesn't use this as a jumping off spot...a place from where to build a career rather than a place I could come home to and help to grow. So NO I will not be applying once again when you could have had this in your head position"

It was at that moment that I realized I had owned my potential and perhaps hadn't understood that in the past. In the past, I had approached this as a part "Savior complex" situation, part love and adoration of the craft and the theatre, part long time dream and goal I had set for myself. But this time was different. This time I stood up in my strength and knew that something had shifted for me. I knew I needed to own my strength, own what I bring to the table, and that my journey is my own. Own whose loss it truly has always been and that it was as much theirs as it was mine. And that, after all the preparation and time I had put into getting myself ready and in a headspace each time I applied, I knew deep down that they would do what they always had, out of the notoriety of it all... and that the outcome would ALWAYS be the same...I knew deep down that their choice would indeed be forward moving...

And that lesson would be on THEM to learn...something that I could not teach them.

Jump ahead and sure enough, he has moved on. I reached out to my friend and just said, "For God's sake, please get this next one right." Only time will tell... I am in such a different headspace...no I will not be reapplying as that is a mess I would not attempt to help. Part of me wants them to reach out, part of me wants them to see what a passion I have had for their theatre in the past, but also part of me KNOWS that it has been 15 years of growth on my behalf and that I can choose where I place my passion...I can choose what opportunities I place in my horizon and I can CHOOSE what will bring me happiness in my future and that, my fellow sojourners, is for more therapy sessions in the future. 

But for that ONE moment...I was able to see my own potential for what it was and for that I am grateful. I move forward in that headspace into 2024.