Grief and Gratitude

 While listening to Anderson Cooper's podcast on grief, entitled "All There Is", he does a phenomenal job of opening himself up. He is raw and present and not afraid to show his emotions as he asks the questions we all struggle with when faced with grief and all it encompasses. Of particular note are his interviews with Stephen Colbert (Season 1) and President Biden (Season 2). 

Stephen Cobert's interview speaks of gratitude for grief and how he has navigated through that. He lost his father and two brothers in a plane crash back in 1974. Now while I can see the old adage that "Time Heals Everything"...the concept of gratitude for feeling grief is NOT a concept I am ready to embrace. I still feel a vast amount of emotions around the passing of both my moms but gratitude for the process is NOT a way I would explain my feelings at the moment. I still struggle sometimes on the daily or weekly with regards to feeling their absence and it is varying degrees of depth I feel. Sometimes it is a passing thought, sometimes it is a full-on cry fest. I feel them near me still, which I guess I am grateful for but also feel immense sadness that they are not close to me as we have been in the past.

One aspect I CAN wrap my mind around, centers on an interview Colbert did with Andrew Garfield at the passing of his own mother. Garfield compared grief and sadness to "misplaced love". It is the presence of immense amounts of love for the person gone and having nowhere to put it once they leave us to journey by ourselves...and so it falls down into grief. I can totally buy into this concept for sure.

But am I grateful for the grief and sadness? NO. I would much rather have them here and in my life. And for that, I feel anger. For that, I feel sadness and loss. The gratitude I feel for my mom, Bonnie, is in all she taught me, the example she lead, the vibrancy she brought to our relationship, the fact that she waited for me to be there before she went over, but the amount of grief I have felt at this departure is NOT something I am grateful for. Folks speak of the fact that if we are lucky enough to experience grief, we will have also experienced great love and a journey together...but gratitude is not something I feel at this departure and the process I have had to go through since this departure.

For Pam, it is immense gratitude for acceptance, for love, for the ability to connect on a level that I rarely see in others, and for always being willing to listen and help me when I needed her. Her departure is still very raw for me and I am not at a place where I can fully verbalize where I am in my grief process over her departure.

The silence of these departures still feels deafening. They still fill my thoughts and my own mom holds me when the struggle is real...I can feel her presence and for THAT I am grateful. The hurt and anger I feel at Pam's death has yet to shift towards that but I know that it will. Colbert speaks about the rooms in the mansions of our lives where we are able to open that door at birth and inhabit the rooms of our lives together. However, once that door is closed, whether it is in a more quiet manner, or a violent manner, or a medium struggle to close the door...however it eventually happens, we are no longer able to share life experiences together and we are left out in the hallway staring at the closed door with a door handle that has disappeared and we are no longer allowed access and that SUCKS and hurts. 

I guess I am still staring at these handle-less doors in a hallway feeling frustrated and unable(or unwilling) ( or not strong enough as of yet) to move fully away from that door and move on. And perhaps that's it...for some departures, we don't move fully away from that door and move forward toward letting everything become just a passing memory. I struggle to keep some memories alive...family and friends pass along and I think about them occasionally...I have not had a day that I do not think about Mom and Pam. And for now, I am okay with that.

Just some thoughts to think about friends...

In it for the right reasons...

 The older I get, the more I find myself stepping back and taking in what is going on around me. I sometimes look back on my past and shake my head. It used to be such a whir of movement...the next directing gig, the building of the resume for the big job ahead, the focus on what was around the corner. I think at the time, I was in it for some of the right reasons, but also not paying attention to making sure folks felt like they were getting all of my focus. I feel bad about that.

What I have learned today is...STOP. Breathe and be present. Make the most of each and every moment as it presents itself. And be PROUD of who you are today and what you have accomplished.

There are always going to be folks, who will present themselves in a way that is clearly being  "in it for the wrong reasons" and to them, I say God Bless. Folks who are always about themselves, or presenting themselves in a certain manner and doing things in another way that negates what they represent, and for that, I just don't have the patience. Whether it is the accolades, pretense, or the kudos and the constant need for praise, one has to come to the realization that you are not going to be able to change them, but you also cannot live their live experience for them and those are life lessons they are gonna have to learn for themselves. It comes from some insecurity and believe me, it has taken a long time for me to recognize that in myself as well and attempt to adjust it.

When you are asked to do a job, do it well. Do it knowing that your own name and brand will be on it and be proud of the product you are putting out there, at all times. And make sure that each person you interact with feels like they have 100% of you...your focus, your attention, your shoulder. And I KNOW I have been GUILTY of not doing that in the past and feel great regret at that fact. What was the cost? This is a huge lesson learned, my friends...so take it for what you may...

Folks will say this or say that about me and I have learned, on some level, to stay on my own course and not allow other's opinions to get the best of me...if at all possible. Speak up for myself and my accomplishments when needed, but always take a higher road towards humility and connection and putting my very best out there. Knowing, on some levels, I cannot control other's opinions of me so I just keep pushing forward in a mode of kindness and love first and foremost, navigate the ups and downs and curves life throws at me the best I can, and apologize when I know I have been wrong. Build connection where I can and pay attention at all times to life's ups and downs. For for God sake, don't shy away from the the difficult conversations when you know you can say something to help.

And for all things even higher and holier, try not to focus on regret for the choices I have made in the past. Make amends where you can, but also give yourself grace in knowing that your past is your past and there may be things you needed to do, because that was the mode you were in when you were in the thick of it all.

Carry on...

Facing your grief

A while back, I took a lengthy drive to Minnesota for my cousin Steven's funeral. I made a stop in Minneapolis to have breakfast with life-long friends and we played quick catch-up. We talked about a large array of topics and things...lots to catch up on. One of the podcasts they suggested I listen to was Anderson Cooper's podcast called All There Is. This podcast focuses on his journey through and with grief after the passing of his mother, Gloria Vanderbuilt. I love these long road-trips when I find something thought provoking to listen to along the way.

Lightbulb flashes all the way back to Arkansas. Cooper's journey in and around grief, his sadness, facing the inner checklist and the immense feeling of responsibility to honor your loved ones. It all rang so true to my heart and I share it with folks on the daily if you are struggling with grief. The podcast is powerful and entering into season 2.

My family has experienced an immense amount of grief over the last year and a half. One of the things I learned, navigating through the passing of my mother, is that we all navigate grief on differing levels and that no one is the same. And it is HARD. And it is razor sharp. And it is overwhelming and dark and crazy. I have written about this in the past.

What has stuck out to me this time around is having to navigate the passing of a strong, vibrant woman who's electricity filled every home and room she inhabited. Some are navigating quite healthily, and some not so much. It is not my place to tell someone how to navigate this overwhelming experience, but am also learning that it is not your place to tell me, or force me, how I am going to be expected to navigate my own grief.

Over the last 7 or 8 months, the emotional rollercoaster has navigated away from grief and towards differing opinions on how long to grieve, or pulling folks THROUGH grief and you just cannot do that. Truthfully, I feel angered by this thought process and truthfully have felt like I needed to shift into parent mode, into big brother mode, to help with the situation that truthfully,  I don't feel like I was able to just sit in the grief I feel at Pam's passing. Some of this was learned behavior...jumping into directing Memphis to make Pam proud, forcing feeling aside to "deal with later", ignoring all the signs and symptons and just getting on with life. Struggling through the next year with bringing up more about my own mother's passing...and then navigating through my own Dad's journey of loneliness and loss...

There is much to be said about 30 years of marriage. 30 years of guidance, and love, and support and kindness, and vibrancy, and electricity to have it all swiped away in a matter of a year and a half, in the manner that it went down. We lost her to a glioblastoma brain cancer and to watch that slide into nothingness was absolutely heartbreaking, leaving us all to figure it all out on our own. And that hurts so much. And I am angry. This is hard to watch the fallout still occurring to this day and you just sit there and wonder, "Where is the bottom to this? When will we hit so we can rebuild whatever is left?"

But then to watch folks attempt to what appears to be quickly picking up the pieces and attempting to move forward is also heartbreaking and anger filling. In my own heart, she deserves so much more than to just move on so quickly. But friends, what I learned is that these are my own thoughts and what is right for me at a certain moment on this grief journey, is not the journey I can try and force on someone else for that is their journey. Not mine. And vice versa.

But it is important to face your grief. Allow yourself grace and time to sit with grief for awhile and whatever that may bring. You just cannot force it. You cannot embrace the awful assumed "Well now its time to move on and move forward. You have had enough time to grieve...move on. What's your problem?" American society attempts to dictate at what rate is the APPROPRIATE time frame to grieve and it is WRONG and unhealthy and debilitating to do so.

No one gets to do that. No one gets to decide at what rate and pace you get to grieve. And sadly, when you do that, you run the risk of driving a wedge between you and folks by coming across as a dick. (if I am going to be honest)

If I am also going to be honest, there isn't a DAY that I do not think about my mom. There isn't a DAY that goes by that I do not think about Pam. Folks will come and go from our lives and given time, sadness fades to fondness of memories...but we carry grief with us every day once it enters our lives. It just comes at varying levels of depth and importance. Grief is the inevitable friend no one wants to answer the door to, and yet it will force itself into your safe place eventually. We all will feel it's entrance and will feel great anger at it's stay. And it will define how you move forward in your life for awhile, to varying levels of importance. A new normal as I have typed before.

And as for me, I am needing a reboot and a back track. I was forced to navigate drama and others' grief expectations and left mine on a shelf somewhere...needing to be the dutiful son, the big brother my sister's needed...and while I am thankful for these roles and being able to do that and be there for my family, I also lost track of my own grief and pushed aside what I needed to ( a habit I learned way too early in my life) and spiraled into the family drama, expounding so much energy into the need to help, that I lost track on where I was in my own grieving process. 

I share this with each of you to encourage grace for folks around you. And for God's sake, pay attention and be present for one who is grieving. You may not know what to say, but just being present and hugging and hold space for someone is important. But through all of this, hold space for your own time and focus. Your own journey through grief and what it all looks like on the other side. With eyes wide open (as much as you can in the darkness) and with open heart.

You are loved, my fellow sojourners. Carry on.

Reclaiming my power

I think my goal for 2024 is a reclaiming year of my power...in whatever form that means.

Letting go of the insecurities I have felt, the feelings of not being  enough, of not standing up to the folks who hurt me, not standing up for myself, to folks who do things, react, or make choices that they don't see the consequences of and forcing me to be strong enough to set those boundaries and maintain them.

Being in each moment and allowing myself to grow in my silence, in my listening, and react from there instead of feeling the constant need to fix things or be the one who folks bring the drama to for fixing.

Having the difficult conversations...

May 2024 be the year I find where my true power lies...remind myself of power I have lost track of...see that's truthfully it, friends...it is power I have lost sight of as it has always been there. Underneath...lurking under uncertainty, insecurity, guilt, shame...whatever I have allowed to overwhelm it.

And that is on me to fix. That is on me to navigate. 

Therein lies the journey for 2024. And I am ready for it. 

I think.

We shall see.

Owning your Truth

 

So much has changed. It seems that life ebbs and flows and comes in and comes out like the ocean. I have felt like society's view of gay people has done this very same thing. Coming out back in '93 was scary and jarring, unnerving and uncertain as to the response. But when I did come out to many folks, their response was that they had already sensed this in me and who I was and were okay with it. But it was still something that I shrouded in shame and guilt and having to navigate as a question mark rather than an exclamation point.

There in lies the onward struggle....finding my exclamation point moment for my life...the search and the journey to wholeness and fulfillment of who I am at my core.

And it has been a journey...

• Coming out to friends and family.
• Coming out to close friends I had crushes on, only to be not reciprocated.
• What the Bible says, what I had been taught, what a conservative upbringing in Lutheranism actually meant and how to navigate that for myself.
• The GUILT and SHAME of all that fire and damnation.
• Loving someone who just could not reciprocate it.
• Forced in a nine passenger mini-van for 4 months with someone who you thought was a friend, only to find that they had backstabbed you and was dating the person they had introduced YOU to.
• The dating scene...UFF.
• Yearning for Prince Charming but ignoring the actual reality of your situation until you give it space.
• Growing in a community that was a double edged sword...self-centered and body conscious...and a meat market...but also having self-loathing and body negativity.
• Jumping into a moment that scares the piss out of you, only to find that it brought you out of your shell and provided a year of growth and possibility (Thank you, Mr. Max)
• Jello Wrestling for Charity.
• Clogging Coyote-Ugly-Style on a bar full of lights and patrons...raising money for charity.
• New uses for hot glue and mirror shirts
• Christmas Cabaret One Man shows.
• Friends and connections beyond compare.
• Moving into uncertain territory for a job I KNEW I could do, but was I ready for?
• Meeting the man of my dreams...growing from there.
• Relatives throwing rocks from glass houses and I quickly began to realize where the true support actually was coming from.
• Never having been called a "Faggot" or "Queer"
• Same Sex Marriage Act  passing and marrying the man I love with all my family and friends.
• Living basically back in the closet in a "Good Ole Boy's Club" community all to be a teacher of the craft I loved.
• Learning that the word Tolerance felt different 
• MOVING up to NWA and realizing that this community would ask me to share my story with my kiddos and grow from there.
• Living out and PROUD and sharing my life with my students...
• Recognizing the importance of living a life and creating a classroom environment that I did NOT have when I was growing up.
• Finding my purpose in life.
• Figuring out what to do with guilt and shame. Still am...
• Having a country elect someone who encouraged anger and hatred to have a place at the table.
• Having elected officials tell it's community what you can and cannot say in your life and in your community and in your classroom.
• Making you feel less than others and not valued.
• Being called an ABOMINATION and how to deal with that.
• Hoping that I can still make a difference in my classroom and in my student's lives by living authentically, in the face of opposition.
• Hoping that you are a presence for your LGBTQ+ students that you are OKAY, you are loved, and you are IMPORTANT.
• Wearing LOVE everywhere I go in the face of BIGGOTRY, HATRED, and discourse...as Jesus would truly have wanted.

And for God's sake, it is OK to SAY GAY. To be GAY, to be comfortable in your own skin, to be who you are and NO ONE can take that away from you. Be the presence folks (and kiddos) need in a world I didn't have growing up in and being PROUD of it all. Helping others in their time of need and trying not to live in fear of being hurt.

SO SAY GAY.

GAY and PROUD OF IT!

GAY and OK!

EXCLAMATION POINT.

Journey on, fellow journey folks!

Boundaries are HARD

I learned a hard lesson in 2023...which will also extend into 2024.

Boundaries are HARD.

In the past, I have invested SO MUCH energy in everything I undertook. While that is beneficial and important and valuable, it is also exhausting and sometimes not reciprocated. In the past, whether it was matched or not, I continued to invest, to exude the energy through contact and connection and paid no attention to the consequences.

At what cost...

I have always been told that I am the one who maintains connection with old friends, have always reached out, have always been the one who called, the one who stayed the constant...but at what cost?

Through therapy and many visits with my husband, I came to the realization that I just was not good at boundaries...setting them, maintaining them...any of it. Truth be told, I am still learning these. I have always been afraid to hurt people's feelings, to disappoint people's expectations of me, or what I thought I needed to be. I have always wanted to be like my Dad and folks I look up to( mentors if you will) ... someone people reached out to, who are remembered for being kind, someone of strong advice, a go-to...but at what cost. I found that I was the one exuding the most energy, expending the most time to maintain the connection...

But I have come to realize that we are all human and make mistakes. That folks sometimes aren't as genuine as you remember them. God-forbid that, as you observe these folks you look up to, you begin to realize that their intentions are not always solid and formidable. That they are in it all for the appearances and not in it for the true investment, for the common good of others...and I KNOW I sometimes have a problem with this as well... Here is where the boundary wall needs to be set...and navigated.

The cost, I have come to find, is me...my welfare, my own energy, and exhaustion. 

What I have learned ( and am still learning) is to pay attention to the details...become more observant to the underscore rather than the presentation. Who reaches out without me having to? Whose intentions are a stronger undercurrent rather than what they put out there physically... Who are genuine in their intentions? That sometimes I do not have to be the life of the party, but can actually learn more in silence...and by listening...and observing...and grow from there.

And for that AH-Ha I am grateful. 

The consequence I have learned is that I have lost touch with folks, which is OKAY. Life gets us all...the hecticness of it all, the rat race, and the moving forward motion of life.

But also...setting strong boundaries are important. Learning that other people's choices are indeed that...their choices... and that there are sometimes ramifications for those choices has been a tough lesson for me to navigate and figure out. But I have to protect myself from the hurt caused AND protect those that I love and am closest to in the process. And that is important.

In 2024, I will continue to grow from there.

More soon.

Owning your potential 2023

 I have been away for too long. Here, at the end of the year 2023, and folks are adding in their "What have I learned?" posts and whether it is the contemplativeness of ending a year and beginning a new one, I am also in that head space and 2023 has been a journey for sure. A journey of growth, a journey of pain and a journey of figuring out who I am. Yes, at 51 years old, I am still growing and learning what makes me tick...sounds weird to type that or even say that. I can hear folks say, "But holy hell, you are in your 50's. Haven't you got it figured out by now?" Truthfully, there are a number of things I HAVE figured out.

I wanted to share a 2023 moment that was a occurrence that left me gobsmacked by the time I had completed it. Jump back to 1998 and a young BBH heading to fill a contract in Omaha, Nebraska and falling in love with the community, the area, the people, and the arts scene there. So much theatre and I just felt at home. I felt like I had become a part of an intrinsic family at many of the theatres in the community and fell in love with all the scene was producing and just wanted to be a part of it all.

Now call it youth. Call it knowing deep down feeling the need to build my resume to accomplish great things. Call it pushing away the pain of a childhood divorce trauma that put me in constant "GO" mode...but I knew deep down that when a position opened up at the nation's largest community theatre, I wanted to be a part of it all. As I said to so many folks, who I had become close family and friends with, if there was a potential to throw my hat in for leadership at THAT theatre at the highest level, I would indeed do that. And do that I did.

It has been 15 years since I took on the teaching journey, and there have been 3, maybe 4, opportunities to throw my hat in for that position. I have always touted my talent, the large resume of shows I have built over the years, what I would bring to the table, but also the STRONG community connection I still maintain to this very day. And their choice has always been to go outside of the community, for that New York connection, for which I can see the notoriety of it all. But a phrase I have embraced over the years has been, "How has that worked for you?" Because of the 3 opportunities I have had to be able to throw my hat in for whatever came to me, you can see that these decisions to go out of community have pulled folks in who have used this theatre as a stepping stone, or pulling someone in who just doesn't understand the community and they have been asked to leave. 

The last selection was the hardest one to take as I prepared for a whole year to get that interview. Hours upon hours of preparation, and power points, and research, and thought, and passion, and fore thought and finally got the word that I would get an actual interview with the search company (in New Jersey). It went so well and I was so excited. Jump ahead and found out that I did not even get in front of the theatre's search committee and that I would "understand once the candidate was revealed". They announced their selection and I was just puzzled. All I could see was a younger version of me...and a young man who maybe had a bit more arts management and I just cannot wrap my head around what kind of school THAT avenue would entail. I am too old to go back to MORE school and just have this crazy resume I worked so hard to build.

We then jump ahead and they announce the associate position opening and I look at the job requirements and it was ME. ALL OVER IT...ME...my interview points...It was everything I had interviewed with for the head position and I just got more and more puzzled. A friend (on the search committee) asked if I was applying and I replied with a solid NO. "No... when you could have had a stronger candidate bring all of that education and entertainment experience in the head position, and you chose elsewhere." The response was, "Well, he is no Brandon Box-Higdem and you have been gone for such a long time." (This friend had encouraged me to get my face, my work, back in front of folks up in the theatre scene and I just could not pull all of that together...you hire from outside the community and that candidate doesn't need to "get their face in front of the community"...why would I?)

BAM.

That was when the AH-HA moment hit. And it was time. I had never realized that this was a moment where I needed to OWN who I was as a director, first and foremost. Who I was as an artist. Who I was as a creator and nurturer and champion of the arts. I had down-played for too long and had I took a deep breath.

"You are right, friend, he is no Brandon Box-Higdem. You all have consistently gone outside of the community and chosen someone who doesn't understand your community. I have always maintained my friendships from folks I considered colleagues, family, and close friends in the area and yet you chose someone younger and just as talented as I. I have built a solid resume from which to provide a firm base on confidence and craft and strong reviews. And to you all, I say good luck. Good luck and I hope he doesn't use this as a jumping off spot...a place from where to build a career rather than a place I could come home to and help to grow. So NO I will not be applying once again when you could have had this in your head position"

It was at that moment that I realized I had owned my potential and perhaps hadn't understood that in the past. In the past, I had approached this as a part "Savior complex" situation, part love and adoration of the craft and the theatre, part long time dream and goal I had set for myself. But this time was different. This time I stood up in my strength and knew that something had shifted for me. I knew I needed to own my strength, own what I bring to the table, and that my journey is my own. Own whose loss it truly has always been and that it was as much theirs as it was mine. And that, after all the preparation and time I had put into getting myself ready and in a headspace each time I applied, I knew deep down that they would do what they always had, out of the notoriety of it all... and that the outcome would ALWAYS be the same...I knew deep down that their choice would indeed be forward moving...

And that lesson would be on THEM to learn...something that I could not teach them.

Jump ahead and sure enough, he has moved on. I reached out to my friend and just said, "For God's sake, please get this next one right." Only time will tell... I am in such a different headspace...no I will not be reapplying as that is a mess I would not attempt to help. Part of me wants them to reach out, part of me wants them to see what a passion I have had for their theatre in the past, but also part of me KNOWS that it has been 15 years of growth on my behalf and that I can choose where I place my passion...I can choose what opportunities I place in my horizon and I can CHOOSE what will bring me happiness in my future and that, my fellow sojourners, is for more therapy sessions in the future. 

But for that ONE moment...I was able to see my own potential for what it was and for that I am grateful. I move forward in that headspace into 2024.

A note to my 16 year old self...

LORD...if only this were possible.

This is probably one of the most annoying things about Rupauls Drag Race seasons...Never fails...final episode and Rupaul asks each one of the final three... if you could tell your three, four, five, eleven year old self...what would you tell 16 year old Brandon

And I would cue the butterflies and tears...

Mascara and fake lashes would be flowing down my cheeks in a matter of moments...

Learn to stop and relax.

Give yourself more grace.

Not everybody is going to like you...and its gonna be okay.

Why my 16 year old self? Because that's where it all changed. That's where my life changed and I stopped being a child and was forced to grow into a young protective man. Protective of my mother. Protective of my secrets I held deep in my heart and could bear to face. And I did it all on my own. I made these decisions on my own because I KNEW I had to do this not only for my future but also to be there when my Momma needed me. I was the man of the house...whatever that meant... 

 Let's be honest...on some levels I just stopped. And I didnt lose it...I left it behind. Because I felt like I had to.  For others. For my self preservation. For my life goals because I was close enough to my own graduation...but even then I let others kind of drive me in a direction...

My dad.

My grandparents. 

My mom to some level...but she and I had a different understanding.

And I learned lessons. 

And I learned to steer my car just a bit but gave others the ownership of my energy, my journey and raced to finish line after finish line...never taking time to truly relish in accomplishments. It was to make others proud on many levels...giving others the chance to brag on their grandson...their son...and not taking the time myself to feel acceptable and accomplished. 

Take back what is yours.

Don't allow your car to be driven by someone else.

Let yourself be happy. If you realize you are not happy, shift gears. It's ok to change directions. 

Always remind yourself that you are okay and that sometimes it's not your fault...life happens and we learn and grow and evolve.

Dont stop growing and evolving, friends. 

Keep growing into a better version of YOU...whatever that may be. 

And learn to be at peace with that. 

The scars of our past...

We all have scars from our past. We wouldn't be human without them. Some are visible and some are not. Some are big...some are small. Emotional and physical.

I am learning to take the time these days to look back on the scars I have personally accrued from my life's journey. What have I learned from these scars and hurdles? How did I get them and how do I react differently to life's moments because of them?

I firmly believe you have to take the time to reflect on your past sometimes, acknowledging past mistakes, past hurdles and owning the mistakes and hurts, and attempting to heal them. This is a moment to reflect, a moment to regroup, and a moment to learn about how these moments affect your decisions moving forward or how you answer life's questions.

Some of these scars may need time set aside to dig into and focus in on and that's ok. Recognizing is the first part. Knowing your limits is another. And addressing them in your own time...important to always keep in mind. 

That's something important to remember, friends. Heal the scars...not hide them. When we hide them or bury them, all we encourage is feelings of shame and guilt and for that...the struggles are real.

So thankful for a hand to hold on this journey...because I cannot go back to the way I have been doing things.

I have found a different way to get through things... and it seems to be working

 And when the scar is left behind, whether it is physical or emotional, that is a badge of honor, courage, and recovery.

Agree to disagree

 Oh friends...

How many many times I have heard this phrase thrown about...

In class.

In discussion.

With family.

With groups trying to make decisions. 

There is a time and a place when this phrase is appropriate to banter about. But when it comes to the things listed above...

THIS is the line. 

The answer will ALWAYS BE 

NO.

Period.

Absolutely NOT.

Folks need to learn the difference. 

Lessons need to be learned. 

There are just some things that are too important to than to put it up to " agree to disagree".

A sadness fills the air...

 

If Sondheim were to write his own epitaph, I believe this would be the one. He had such a profound effect on so many musical theater performers and directors. The vast amount of material and joy and beauty he brought to this world through his lyrics and his melodies will go on and on forever. 

There will truly be no one else like him.

From "With so little to be sure of" from Anyone Can Whistle:

"Thanks for everything we did,

Everything that's past,

Everything's that's over

Too fast.

None of it was wasted.

All of it will last:

Everything that's here and now and us together!

It was marvelous to know you

And it's never really through.

Crazy business this, this life we live in-

Can't complain about the time we're given-

With so little to be sure of in this world,

We had a moment."

A moment for gratitude

 I wanted to take a moment to reflect.

To express gratitude.

To bring gratitude to the forefront because it is so important to remember and reflect...

~ I am thankful for a husband who loves me, who pushes me to be the best version of myself, who frustrates me to no end yet also helps me to grow and focus on what is important. My love for you grows more and more each day.

~ I am thankful for my family across the miles. Even though the times together are few and far between sometimes...You are loved.

~I am thankful for my students, who push me to be a better teacher, coach, and person in this world.

~I am thankful for those friends who are so much more than JUST friends. They have become family.

~ I am thankful for puppy cuddles and those kisses. The yips when you get home and how glad they are to see me.

~I am thankful for creative opportunities...to perform music and bring a smile to folks' faces. Please may I never take my symphony opportunities for granted. May I always feel those goosebumps!!!

~ I am thankful for Santa and for my Mom sharing this love. It has become such a special tradition of unpacking all of her collection and growing my own. It brings such joy to my heart each year...the unpacking of the happy little elf and always on the lookout for a special addition to my collection.

~ I am thankful for this life's journey. I have traveled many, many miles in this life of mine, and I have learned and seen so much. I am grateful for all the lessons, even the ones I have yet to learn. GROWTH is difficult at times but also so necessary to move forward.

Family...a definition.

The concept of family, these days, has become so much more than blood relatives.

Every time I go to northern Minnesota to visit family, I have one particular family member that always makes a specific point to remind me about how important family is...and almost feels like attempting to rebuild a couple of relationships that are currently fractured and might be broken. 

And it got me thinking...

While I agree with the idea of "the importance of family", what happens when a family member burns you to the point of questioning whether they are as important as they were in days gone by? Maybe too much value is placed on worrying about what others think and maybe should be placed on connection and making the most out of each moment together. 

GETTING BURNED and relationships shift towards soul  protection, towards base surface connection only and zero depth, and begin to lack importance as they have in the past. When a person makes the decision to do something against someone who is a family member, that relationship will always emerge differently than it ever has been in the past. Choices were made and there are always ramifications for those choices and one cannot do anything about that but move forward, sometimes leaving the relationship behind.

And that is ok, I think. 

Investing time in the concept of family is important, true, but it has become so much more in today's society. I struggle with that sometimes because the concept of family has shifted so much in the almost 50 years I have been on this earth. (I have been using that phrase a lot here lately, haven't I? HA HA HA Can you tell I am in the thick of turning 50?)

The family concept used to be thick and thin...common bond...strong bonds of blood and driven by connection and tradition...but as I get older...I take those moments together with a greater sense of focus when together as those times are few and far apart. Life presents moments to reconnect, share laughs, and love...Life totally happens and we move apart, ebbing and flowing and moving in and out of each other's lives like the tides of the ocean. 

And we have to learn to be okay with that...to make the absolute MOST of the times when we are brought back together...because THAT is what is more important.

But now I also look at my family unit as members who are not necessarily blood as part of my family as well. Special friends who have been there through thick and thin and who have helped me to navigate through this life with purpose, with focus, and with strong shoulders I have been able to lean on. 

Today's concept of family has become:

Blood relatives

In-laws

Single parents

Guardians

Chosen families

Divorced parents

Multi-cultural

Same-sex parents

And we have seen a shift with the tides. And that is ok.

Family means so much more these days. We need to open our hearts to so much more and be grateful for all of life's blessings. Perhaps be a lot less judgy and just plain love one another. 

I am so grateful for all of my family...blood and chosen. Near and far. Past and present. I love you all and am so grateful to have you in my life.  

I drink wine

I am feeling her new album so MUCH!!
When you get the chance...

give Adele 30 a listen.

This one is hitting me deep in my feels...

 

What would it take to make this a world I want to live in?

I know folks look at me like Pollyanna. I know that folks think...is he for real? How can he focus on kindness and goodwill and always think the best of people?

And I know that folks sometimes misinterpret my kindness as weakness. And that is unfortunate for them.

Unfortunately, I have had moments recently when I have had to readjust. The old Maya Angelou adage, "When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time." BOY HOWDY, if only I would listen, it would save me so much hurt and angst. 

A dear friend told me, "B, you lead with your heart. That is what pulls folks into you as a person." I just have to figure out how to continue to do that, but also incorporate that adage into the mix as well. And not give second and third or fourth chances. I have to protect my heart and those around me.

It is possible to be kind to others. 

It is possible to meet folks with a big ole smile.

It is possible to have opposing views and take the time to listen to others...if they are willing to listen to yours as well...and decide that this could be a deal breaker. OR we are able to move forward and just not talk about those aspect.

It is possible to change your world and to continue to evolve and grow and learn and love.

I will always smile and be the best I can possibly be. 

I will learn to limit my expectations of others because that's when I get let down in the end, some of the time. And that's ok. They aren't ready for a guy like me.

There it is...I think the world isn't ready for embracing change for good because change is scary. We settle for the status quo all the while thinking NOW it will get fixed...but we settle in and nothing happens. We settle for the status quo. 

My husband said to me the other night...the United States isn't ready for a gay President or a female President...and you know what? I tend to believe him because we Americans cannot face change that is scary. Case in point, we are tearing Kamala and Pete apart and creating all this angst and division so that folks won't shake it up "too" much. And that's when we get complacent and idle and we just move forward with all of the "same" because we don't want to be uncomfortable.

But you know what? Sometimes it takes shaking up the ground a bit and getting a little uncomfortable to make things shift towards change.

And that's a world I would like to live in. Embracing others' views by truly listening. Not treating every other person like the enemy. Leading with your heart and kindness. Speaking your mind when you have been wronged and learning lessons from past mistakes. Forgiving but not forgetting. And blooming where you are planted. Actually blooming...not being a bulb that has been planted and never grows.

Is that too much to ask?

With determination...

  My head keeps telling me: I know I can do this!

  I know I can move forward with this idea in my heart and head.

  But right now, at this very moment, it feels different? It     just all feels different, and scary, and at odds, and   untethered. What is it that I want to do with my life? I am   digging. I truthfully have lost a sense of who I am and   what I want and where I would want to steer this ship. I   have lost a sense of personal course. I feel so tired and so   out of sync.

  I am reaching. I keep reaching out to those tethers that I envision will make me happier. Make US stronger and more solid.

  I am pouring my heart and head into digging into my past and why I do the things today that were learned habits from my past. I have navigated through my first almost 50 years on a trajectory that started when I was young. And on some levels...it has not suited me as well as what I thought it would. It served its purpose, on many levels, but I learned behaviors that are not good, not beneficial to how I approach relationships, and thoughts, and life. Now it is time for me to find a stronger sense of purpose moving forward.

I so wish I could call my Momma. She would have so much to say about this whole search and dig. 

But once I do figure this all out and feel more in sync...I know my life will feel different, and my next journey will be revealed...and I will feel the shift towards kicking in with that stronger sense of purpose and drive and focus.

I just feel out of whack right now...like a kite without a tether. 

and it's okay right now...

I am ok right now.

But what's next...

That's what I don't know.

I needed time...

I needed a break.

I needed time to process and just attempt to stay afloat. I have not added any content since March 2020. We can all say we have been through IT. Through the turbulent waters and have emerged a different person...almost like a cocoon and we are about to break out of that chrysalis.

I look back and I just keep thinking, "What the hell happened? How in the hell did we get to this very moment because this was INSANE." More importantly...we have reached a moment to breathe and begin to reflect on what we have learned...and there has been so much. SO what have we learned? Are we willing to allow ourselves to dig deep and figure out what we have learned...about this experience and about our fellow man?

Insane amounts of anxiety and how to navigate through it with grace.

Feeling your breath on the mask in front of your face, hiding the emotion, and just not sure how we are going to connect. 

Feeling moments of fear, moments of distrust, and thinking about how stupid folks can really be and realize that we are and continue to be so polarized and a wave of hopelessness come overthinking...how can we come back together? Is that even possible?  My hope in a combined country continues to be polarized even with a President and team who ACTUALLY know what to do in that position...we made it through 4 years of division with a man in charge who fueled the fires and did nothing to bring us together...and we now have moved past that administration and yet we are still divided immensely. We have got to be better. We have got to learn from our mistakes and emerge better...but we are nowhere near that. WHY?

I have found my comfort at home... with a man who loves me...puppies who cuddle unconditionally...students who continue to drive my educational practice...and colleagues who continue to support and inspire me every day...and for all of that, I feel immense gratitude.

That's all I got right now...

More soon. I need this blog to come back and be a space for me to get my venting, my voice, my fears out there. If you want to continue with me, I would be grateful.

Thank you for reading.

Weak and in awe.

Just gonna think out loud here for awhile...

I feel inadequate when I am around men. Especially strong, cocky men. I always have. I feel weak and often go inward around them. Those men that overcompensate their strength, their masculinity, their aggressive nature have always made me feel weak and inept.

Yet in awe.
To exude such strength  and swagger and confidence. That truly is what this is about. CONFIDENCE.

To be overcompensating for everything is really a turn off...and yet it is perceived as strength.

I have never felt much like I fit into the masculine side of the human race and I have said this before.

Whenever I am on unsure footing, when life has thrown too many curve balls, when I am tired, I lose sight of the confidence I have gained the older I have gotten. I have allowed others to walk over me, to talk down to me, to break my stride and for that, I am giving myself GRACE and reminding myself to be kinder to myself.

Also gently reminding myself to STAND UP.
Stand back up, brush off, and remind myself that I AM ENOUGH.

Keep working on your inner spirit. Keep growing inwardly and outwardly it will show.

I may not have large muscles, but I am strong.
I may be emotional, but that is NOT a symbol of weakness...that is kindness and love in action.
Amen

A dream I recently had...

So I am not one to remembers dreams all that often, yet when I do...I PAY ATTENTION!!!
And this one was given to me on Valentine's Day!!! A great way to start that day!!

So a recent dream I had was as follows...
I was at a family gathering in northern Minnesota at my Uncle Everett and Aunt Carol's house. We are all in the living room and kitchen area. I am in my mid to early teens and there is lots of laughter and good times. I walk into their kitchen and am looking around...I notice lots of dark paneling and counter tops. I turn around and all of sudden notice a tree in the kitchen. It was almost like it was cut down and placed in the kitchen on purpose. The linoleum floor was cut and arranged to showcase the roots. I am in awe of it...particularly for the oddity of it all. As I walk around it, I look all over it and see where the branches meet the ceiling...and even notice a HUGE old grey papery hornets nest that is also there in its branches. It is a mere shell...no hornets...and is just there as ornament.

Then we all go outside and I walk around the corner and notice a large cement set of stairs that one would see in a city park somewhere...only difference...these cement steps appear to be headed up to the sky. My uncle Donnie is about to head up the steps. He begins to walk up a few steps and I feel a hand in the small of my back pushing me forward. I yell out, "I love you, Uncle Donnie!!" He turns around and he is a younger version of himself...perhaps from around the 60's? Not sure how I would remember that version as it would only be in photos I had seen of him...but he tells me, "You know I look forward to that every time! I love you too" and then turns and continues to climb.

When I reached out to my cousin Sherri for some analysis of the dream, she had some amazing feedback and analysis. I asked her if it is okay to share this...

She mentioned that our family had amazing gatherings when I was growing up and that always happened in the heart of the home which was the kitchen. It was the hub for all the good food our family makes and always feels like the warmest room in the house. This is where the roots of our family where strengthened.
The tree symbolizes the family tree of our family and the hornets nest symbolizes the dark period we, or I have been through, representing the pain and drama of our/my past. For that back ground you will need to go back into this blog to refresh your mind on it. But the reason it is a dead hornets nest is that the darkness has past and we/ I are/am all moving forward. It doesn't go away, but serves as a reminder of what was...I like that so much. A move forward...
My age is reflective of significance that this was the time of my life where I had the most questions about my truth and what it all meant.
The hand on my back is always and forever that of my Mom's. She pushes me forward in my life and will continue to do so for as long as I live. I just know it. She encourages me to live my life by leading with love and kindness at all times. This is such a strong example for all of us to lead with and can drive us forward into a dark, scary world.

"I love you" is the powerful message we all need to hear, including my family.
I think it is important that we say it.
On the daily.
Because you just never now when it will be too late.

I woke up with STRONG visuals, STRONG feeling of love and joy, and was immensely happy.

A little daily gratitude...

We must find gratitude in our daily lives.
Sometimes we forget to breathe and shift our focus and find the light in darker times.
Even I forget those times to just breathe...
Gentle reminders...
Gentle reminders...

I am grateful for my students. Their energy keeps me looking forward to coming to class every day!!!! And their passion and zest for speaking their truth and using their voices for change in this world gives me such hope for our futures. Their passion is strong and they have definite vision for the way they want their world to be...and that makes me so happy.

I am grateful for spring. I can feel it coming. I am ready. I am ready to plant my gardens and get outside for yard work and planting. For with this time, comes a freshness of spirit and a breath of fresh air. I can feel it in the air...walked out of the garage this morning and took a deep breath and could feel the rain and dew in each breath and it was invigorating. I am grateful for each moment to start anew and grow.

I am grateful for quiet time. A chance to regroup and calm my mind and heart. It is my sincere hope that some time this week, you find your quiet.

I am grateful for music. I am grateful for the undercurrent it provides in my life and I am grateful to my dad for giving my this amazing gift. It plays such a underscore of my day. I wish I could share with you my soundtrack...Kind of like Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist currently on NBC.
Currently playing on my soundtrack...JAZZ. I wish I could be a jazz singer in some club somewhere. Find myself an accoustic group and just sing...more like SAAAAAANNNNNGGGG. Make music together and just lay back and create smooth music.

YES!!!!

That's where my gratitude lays today...
How about yours?
Don't forget to take a few moments and just breathe gratitude into your heart and soul.
It's so important...

Love you guys...
Keep Sojourning on Friends!!!
You GOT THIS!