I am guilty...
I spoke from regret...
A friend of mine called me needing help with situation that he needed my feedback on. He has been going on a couple of dates with a man who he really finds himself enjoying spending time with. On one of the dates they went on, the date turned to a discussion of the fact that the man was HIV positive. My friend just was not sure how to handle this information. He needed feedback, my thoughts, and wanted to just bend my ear. As we chatted more, my friend added that his date was 10 years into this diagnosis, 8 of those were basically symptom free, being on today's medications.
My thoughts immediately turned to David, a young man I went out with in my past. I remember his shyness, yet was drawn to the sparkle in his eye and his sweet smile. After a few dates, we headed down that awkward conversation my friend had just gone through. I have to say that I handled the situation poorly. David mentioned that folks treated him as an outcast once they found out his news. I have to admit, I kept my calm outside while the inside of me was tearing apart with lots of questions and in freak out mode. I did not handle it well at all and we quickly parted ways and I sadly upheld the horrible mode of dating life David had become accustomed to.
I have regretted the way I treated David after hearing his news. My dating history is sometimes not a good one. This was year's ago and although the risk of getting HIV is still prevalent, with today's medication regimens, the disease is almost undetectable. Safe sex is still a must obviously but thankfully longevity of life is more prevalent today with these huge advances.
Where my self-disappointment is that I have very good friends who are HIV positive. Why would I go into freak out mode like this with someone who was being completely honest with me? Why would I turn into a douche bag and not call David back? He was so shy that he never called for another date, which was probably ok as I was not in the right mind set at that time...
I feel horrible about the way I treated David...
Yet when the friend called to ask, years later, for my help and assistance, my thoughts turned to David and I spoke to my friend in a mode of regret of how I should have handled the situation and discussions. It seems that my friend is on the cusp of a really great adventure and his date is open and honest and forthcoming with his diagnosis. I encouraged my friend to do some soul searching, some research, get your heart caught up with your head. I encouraged him to keep an open forum with the date to let him know that he is open to dating, that he is doing some soul searching, and that he is very interested. The discussion went very well on Saturday eve and for that I am grateful. They are going to continue dating while my friend works through everything. Taking it slow, which is the best route to go for any beginning relationship. Four seasons as my Mom says. My friend even mentioned the possibility of going through counseling which I think is a wonderful idea...if only I had been as knowledgeable...
I can live vicariously through the friend and know that years have tempered my thought process.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
There are times when you CAN'T be silent...
This video is so moving to me as I know in the future this could very be the conversation that Justin and I have in a public place.
Are you shocked by the comment that 29 states in our land of the "free" and "brave" promote the right to not serve anyone who is gay and trying to raise a family can be denied service? What does this sound like? 50's and 60's mentality? And we say that discrimination is not alive and well in America...where everyone is free to search for the life of liberty and pursuit of happiness?
Heck ANY of us who fight hatred daily, being discriminated upon and want so desperately to have a family, to have children of our very own watch this and say, "Yup, Been there...seen that!!!"
What prides me the most is that TEXAS, the land of Republicans, conservatism, and the death penalty...where the land of everything bigger and better...is the ones stepping up to the plate. THANK YOU, Texans, for your love and support...
America, it is time to get on the band wagon!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
When the subject is giving too much power...
This has been something on my mind for many months if not years... I want to address this here...
What strikes me is how much we, as human beings, give the people in our lives, the ones most important to us, all of the power in our lives. We bend over backwards, we struggle with the whys and whens and hows of the boyfriends/ girlfriends in our lives. So many times in my career, young people tearfully struggle with why he doesn't love me, why is she treating me this way, what can I be doing wrong?
Allowing someone to control your life makes you feel so helpless.
It can even go with you for many many many years.
I am a high schooler and had a crush on this friend, who happened to be a girl. See back then I dated my closest friends knowing that in the end they would have to break it off as I was so awkward when it came to dating relationships. However, the reverse would happen.She basically lead me on while she was dating the man who would eventually become her husband. I was bitter and angry and so hurt that she could not even tell me that much. Were we not friends first? Needless to say it did not end well and we parted ways and a friendship ended.
And you know? I KNEW deep down my inner truth. I KNEW that it would end poorly anyway as I was more attracted to the quarterback on the football team.
Here's the deal...I carried that hurt for years. I have friends who have dogged her left and right. And I allowed her to have all the power in my mind. The years had rolled by. I let it go and stopped allowing her to have power over my emotions. Truth be told, I had forgotten about her. I had moved on. I assumed that she had as well.
20 years roll by and we come together for our high school 20 year reunion and this classmate is there. I come in with my partner and friends to the mixer the first evening of the weekend. And look across the room and there she is. She comes over with this pouty look on her face, almost too over the top to be believable. I hug her and introduce Justin. And the next thing out of her mouth is this, "I am so sorry. I am soooo sorry. I am just so sorry."
She had carried that for 20 years. WOW! All I could say was, "It's alright. Really! It is alright!" Sounding like a broken record.
I am So Sorry.
It is alright!
I am just so sorry.
Believe me, it is alright!
Who would have ever thought that that would be the reverse? She had allowed all the power to be given to me and that moment in our lives and had carried it with her all those years. I felt horrible for her and a sense of pity. I had moved on and found love and comfort and she in turn had carried guilt with her for the way she had treated me.
There are other people in my life who have hurt me and those I love. I struggle so much with what to do. I have written a few folks off in my life for their ignorance when it comes to my life. They are not there day in and day out and so their importance in my life is next to nil. I do however feel horrible that I allow them to have power over my thoughts. That I think about them. That I think about what the coming years will be like when life events happen and we will have to see each other. What I will or won't say. And then feel ridiculous that I give them the power of my thoughts and should focus on the more important things in my life.
I pray for God to show them the way. I pray for God to show me the way. God grant me a tougher skin and a stronger backbone. Quit being a worry wart and practice what you preach. I give them too much power and need to refocus my life in a way that follows the mantras I want in my life.
How do you handle these times in your life? Who has the most power in your life?
What strikes me is how much we, as human beings, give the people in our lives, the ones most important to us, all of the power in our lives. We bend over backwards, we struggle with the whys and whens and hows of the boyfriends/ girlfriends in our lives. So many times in my career, young people tearfully struggle with why he doesn't love me, why is she treating me this way, what can I be doing wrong?
Allowing someone to control your life makes you feel so helpless.
It can even go with you for many many many years.
I am a high schooler and had a crush on this friend, who happened to be a girl. See back then I dated my closest friends knowing that in the end they would have to break it off as I was so awkward when it came to dating relationships. However, the reverse would happen.She basically lead me on while she was dating the man who would eventually become her husband. I was bitter and angry and so hurt that she could not even tell me that much. Were we not friends first? Needless to say it did not end well and we parted ways and a friendship ended.
And you know? I KNEW deep down my inner truth. I KNEW that it would end poorly anyway as I was more attracted to the quarterback on the football team.
Here's the deal...I carried that hurt for years. I have friends who have dogged her left and right. And I allowed her to have all the power in my mind. The years had rolled by. I let it go and stopped allowing her to have power over my emotions. Truth be told, I had forgotten about her. I had moved on. I assumed that she had as well.
20 years roll by and we come together for our high school 20 year reunion and this classmate is there. I come in with my partner and friends to the mixer the first evening of the weekend. And look across the room and there she is. She comes over with this pouty look on her face, almost too over the top to be believable. I hug her and introduce Justin. And the next thing out of her mouth is this, "I am so sorry. I am soooo sorry. I am just so sorry."
She had carried that for 20 years. WOW! All I could say was, "It's alright. Really! It is alright!" Sounding like a broken record.
I am So Sorry.
It is alright!
I am just so sorry.
Believe me, it is alright!
Who would have ever thought that that would be the reverse? She had allowed all the power to be given to me and that moment in our lives and had carried it with her all those years. I felt horrible for her and a sense of pity. I had moved on and found love and comfort and she in turn had carried guilt with her for the way she had treated me.
There are other people in my life who have hurt me and those I love. I struggle so much with what to do. I have written a few folks off in my life for their ignorance when it comes to my life. They are not there day in and day out and so their importance in my life is next to nil. I do however feel horrible that I allow them to have power over my thoughts. That I think about them. That I think about what the coming years will be like when life events happen and we will have to see each other. What I will or won't say. And then feel ridiculous that I give them the power of my thoughts and should focus on the more important things in my life.
I pray for God to show them the way. I pray for God to show me the way. God grant me a tougher skin and a stronger backbone. Quit being a worry wart and practice what you preach. I give them too much power and need to refocus my life in a way that follows the mantras I want in my life.
How do you handle these times in your life? Who has the most power in your life?
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Such an odd dream...
I am teaching method acting to my advanced drama students, who are my Competitive Speech students. It is one of my favorite units of study I get the chance to teach. Very personal. Very strong way to get kids to find deeper ways to create and connect with characters. Very cool way for kids to build stronger bonds with themselves and their teammates.
I also get the chance to share some personal insight with my kids into my own life. I don't do this very often. I get the chance to talk quite a bit about my grandparents and how very different my relationship was with them both. I explain the process of using a person, in the sense memory activity, whom you expect to have a very strong, visceral reaction to seeing sitting in front of you. I explain how you can create one square inch of their hand and have an overwhelming response to it.
So one of these days of instruction, I begin to explain my grandparents to my kids. I explain what triggers emotions when I create one inch of my grandfather's hand or the handkerchief in my grandmother's sleeve.
When thinking about my grandfather, the emotions of heated anger and inadequacy come flooding back over me. He was such a beast when it came to stubbornness. He never smiled. I can feel that sens of always having to explain myself and still not getting through and frustrated doing so.
When thinking about my grandmother, I can still hear her voice in my head. "How is my sweetheart", she would always ask on our weekly Sunday chats. I can see her back to me in the kitchen with the smell of coffee and cinnamon rolls, while she washes dishes in the sink, looking out over the yard. I can see how she would tuck a Kleenex in her sleeve. Emotions flood over me, even after 13 years of her being away.
So I have shared this story with my kids to walk them through "Person" activity for emotional recall. What I was not prepared for was residual feelings to come up in my dreams. I dreamt that I was back in my grandparent's house in Northern Minnesota. I walked in the back door and it all flooded back to me. I could smell everything. I was there in the kitchen. I walked through the doorway to the dining room and into the living room. I could feel the carpet. I could see it all down to every minute detail. I walked into their bedroom and could see the dark paneling on the wall. I saw EVERY picture on the wall, the location of the closet doors, the placement of everything in the room. I KNEW they were already gone. I knew I would not turn around and see them. They had already been gone too long. But everything was as it had always been.
Then all of a sudden, I realize that there is a HUGE fire in the distance. I could see out the living room picture window. An all encompassing fire that had exploded in the distance and I knew that I had to get out of there. I leave and get in my car parked out front. I just look at the house, memories still raw and vibrant, and can see the flames begin to lap at the barn in the distance, and know that it would soon be consumed. I realize that I have to go back in the house and save whatever I can of them, of their years in their house, of the years we all had shared there. Save whatever I could from the Higdem legacy.
And I could not get back into the house...
The doors were locked...
And I woke up...
What an odd thing to have this moment in my thoughts...Jarring. Shaken. Feeling at peace with beign able to be there for even just one moment more. Knowing that it is not this way anymore, except in the dark recesses of my mind.
I also get the chance to share some personal insight with my kids into my own life. I don't do this very often. I get the chance to talk quite a bit about my grandparents and how very different my relationship was with them both. I explain the process of using a person, in the sense memory activity, whom you expect to have a very strong, visceral reaction to seeing sitting in front of you. I explain how you can create one square inch of their hand and have an overwhelming response to it.
So one of these days of instruction, I begin to explain my grandparents to my kids. I explain what triggers emotions when I create one inch of my grandfather's hand or the handkerchief in my grandmother's sleeve.
When thinking about my grandfather, the emotions of heated anger and inadequacy come flooding back over me. He was such a beast when it came to stubbornness. He never smiled. I can feel that sens of always having to explain myself and still not getting through and frustrated doing so.
When thinking about my grandmother, I can still hear her voice in my head. "How is my sweetheart", she would always ask on our weekly Sunday chats. I can see her back to me in the kitchen with the smell of coffee and cinnamon rolls, while she washes dishes in the sink, looking out over the yard. I can see how she would tuck a Kleenex in her sleeve. Emotions flood over me, even after 13 years of her being away.
So I have shared this story with my kids to walk them through "Person" activity for emotional recall. What I was not prepared for was residual feelings to come up in my dreams. I dreamt that I was back in my grandparent's house in Northern Minnesota. I walked in the back door and it all flooded back to me. I could smell everything. I was there in the kitchen. I walked through the doorway to the dining room and into the living room. I could feel the carpet. I could see it all down to every minute detail. I walked into their bedroom and could see the dark paneling on the wall. I saw EVERY picture on the wall, the location of the closet doors, the placement of everything in the room. I KNEW they were already gone. I knew I would not turn around and see them. They had already been gone too long. But everything was as it had always been.
Then all of a sudden, I realize that there is a HUGE fire in the distance. I could see out the living room picture window. An all encompassing fire that had exploded in the distance and I knew that I had to get out of there. I leave and get in my car parked out front. I just look at the house, memories still raw and vibrant, and can see the flames begin to lap at the barn in the distance, and know that it would soon be consumed. I realize that I have to go back in the house and save whatever I can of them, of their years in their house, of the years we all had shared there. Save whatever I could from the Higdem legacy.
And I could not get back into the house...
The doors were locked...
And I woke up...
What an odd thing to have this moment in my thoughts...Jarring. Shaken. Feeling at peace with beign able to be there for even just one moment more. Knowing that it is not this way anymore, except in the dark recesses of my mind.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Just let me teach...
It is all I have ever wanted to be...
I just want to teach...
I just want to watch the light bulb go on when a child finally "gets it"...
I just want to coach a child to success, in whatever form that may come in...
I just want to put away all of the paperwork, the politics, the wondering what the weather will be, the backhandedness, the struggle for power and just get down to the business of educating minds...
Who knew that there would be so much ELSE in this vocation we call education?
Not me, that's for sure!!
But you do take the good with the bad and you just persevere.
You push on through for the good of the child and for the good of the program.
But there are times...
Why can't it be like my "up and coming" directors and playwrights who have more creativity, vision, and verve in their little finger than I EVER thought or dreamt to have? In my classes, I have aspiring conductors and composers, up and coming business people, visionaries, creative souls who weave stories like there is no tomorrow. I can look out over my classroom each day and just see the potential rise off the masses. They are so strong!!! I can feel that and I love love LOVE that!!! That is what drives me to come to work, excited and willing to put in the long hours each day for the good of each and every student. Seeing that potential and knowing that if it is cultivated, it will grow into a something pretty amazing!
That is what teaching is for, dear friends. To be able to assist an aspiring playwright in weaving their story from beginning to the end, seeing the potential of the plot in play or movie form and know that the drive and potential is there to go so far is exciting and exhilarating.
Why can't I just be allowed to teach and forget all the rest?
Ah what a wonderful place that would be...
I just want to teach...
I just want to watch the light bulb go on when a child finally "gets it"...
I just want to coach a child to success, in whatever form that may come in...
I just want to put away all of the paperwork, the politics, the wondering what the weather will be, the backhandedness, the struggle for power and just get down to the business of educating minds...
Who knew that there would be so much ELSE in this vocation we call education?
Not me, that's for sure!!
But you do take the good with the bad and you just persevere.
You push on through for the good of the child and for the good of the program.
But there are times...
Why can't it be like my "up and coming" directors and playwrights who have more creativity, vision, and verve in their little finger than I EVER thought or dreamt to have? In my classes, I have aspiring conductors and composers, up and coming business people, visionaries, creative souls who weave stories like there is no tomorrow. I can look out over my classroom each day and just see the potential rise off the masses. They are so strong!!! I can feel that and I love love LOVE that!!! That is what drives me to come to work, excited and willing to put in the long hours each day for the good of each and every student. Seeing that potential and knowing that if it is cultivated, it will grow into a something pretty amazing!
That is what teaching is for, dear friends. To be able to assist an aspiring playwright in weaving their story from beginning to the end, seeing the potential of the plot in play or movie form and know that the drive and potential is there to go so far is exciting and exhilarating.
Why can't I just be allowed to teach and forget all the rest?
Ah what a wonderful place that would be...
Sunday, February 3, 2013
The passing of childhood...
One of those hard to take milestones...
Watching your friends lose their parents...
Rough to take...
In a matter of months, I have watched two friends go through the loss of their fathers. It is so jarring, especially when you spend your life thinking your parents are invincible.
You know that they are there to support you through the rough patches and the joys of your life. You connect with them on such a deep level.
They are the ones who literally brought you into this world, crying when you reached for the first light. They are the ones who bruised your behind when you did wrong, still crying deep inside while you sobbed and sobbed, knowing you had done wrong.
They are the ones who cheered you on when you stood in the limelight and took that first step toward performing in front of the relatives, saying, "Come on, sing for Grandma." Believing that you would go much MUCH farther. You know deep down that you are invinceable in their eyes and for that you too are much stronger.
They are the ones who do eventually grey around the edges. All of a sudden you turn around, walking around that corner one day and BAM... they are grey, more fragile yet still full of vitality, more beautiful in their years and for that you are grateful.
They are the ones who eventually do retire. They are the ones who shift their focus to sleeping in, playing golf, and being a mentor for the younger generation. They are the ones who road trip every winter, road trip every summer, and hang out with the girls for a leisure Friday lunch.
They are the ones who struggle with reappearing cancer. They shake you to your core as you try to be strong and support...Lord knows they have supported you your entire life. You want to cry but you know that it is better to be strong and cry behind the closed doors of your own bedroom.
They are the ones that the community looks up to. That the younger generation looks up to. That your fellow man looks up to. They are the ones who set the traditions and maintain it. They are the ones who kiss the boos boos and know just the right thing to say.
What happens when that is all wiped away in one single stroke? What then? I am grateful for the time I have NOW. I am grateful for the time that is LEFT, whatever that may be. But am I prepared for what lies ahead? Are any of us? Probably not... But we should take each moment for what it is and enjoy the time we do have.
Both of my friends have entered this stage of their lives with grace and love and strength, it is my prayer that I can do the same.
Watching your friends lose their parents...
Rough to take...
In a matter of months, I have watched two friends go through the loss of their fathers. It is so jarring, especially when you spend your life thinking your parents are invincible.
You know that they are there to support you through the rough patches and the joys of your life. You connect with them on such a deep level.
They are the ones who literally brought you into this world, crying when you reached for the first light. They are the ones who bruised your behind when you did wrong, still crying deep inside while you sobbed and sobbed, knowing you had done wrong.
They are the ones who cheered you on when you stood in the limelight and took that first step toward performing in front of the relatives, saying, "Come on, sing for Grandma." Believing that you would go much MUCH farther. You know deep down that you are invinceable in their eyes and for that you too are much stronger.
They are the ones who do eventually grey around the edges. All of a sudden you turn around, walking around that corner one day and BAM... they are grey, more fragile yet still full of vitality, more beautiful in their years and for that you are grateful.
They are the ones who eventually do retire. They are the ones who shift their focus to sleeping in, playing golf, and being a mentor for the younger generation. They are the ones who road trip every winter, road trip every summer, and hang out with the girls for a leisure Friday lunch.
They are the ones who struggle with reappearing cancer. They shake you to your core as you try to be strong and support...Lord knows they have supported you your entire life. You want to cry but you know that it is better to be strong and cry behind the closed doors of your own bedroom.
They are the ones that the community looks up to. That the younger generation looks up to. That your fellow man looks up to. They are the ones who set the traditions and maintain it. They are the ones who kiss the boos boos and know just the right thing to say.
What happens when that is all wiped away in one single stroke? What then? I am grateful for the time I have NOW. I am grateful for the time that is LEFT, whatever that may be. But am I prepared for what lies ahead? Are any of us? Probably not... But we should take each moment for what it is and enjoy the time we do have.
Both of my friends have entered this stage of their lives with grace and love and strength, it is my prayer that I can do the same.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
The Power of Silence.
SO many many years ago, a wonderful high school friend and I reconnected and she asked me if I was possibly open to a new adventure. I had not seen her in so many years yet absolutely adored her. She mentioned that the school she was dean of students at had a theatre teaching position open and I had crossed her mind as a possible option.
I jumped and thought sure why not give it a shot. I could go and interview and see what came if it. I flew up to Pennsylvania. It was a wonderful trip. A chance to reconnect with a dear friend and her partner and to experience what life was like in the New England states. A Beautiful part of our country that I truly want to experience...but I digress...
One of the most interesting portion of the interview process was being asked the same question, numerous times, " How do you handle silence?" I was completely taken aback at this question.
As many of you know, I don't handle it well. I am a talker. Not sure you knew that or not...
Well recently, the topic of silence came back into my view and thought process. It is not that I had forgotten this topic, it is just so easy to forget...Loading on numerous projects, surrounding yourself with kids who function at a different level of energy, begin pulled this way, that way...finding silence when you can...usually in the wee morning hours, sipping the dark coffee, and trying to wake up...when you would rather get back under the warm covers and dark interiors of your bedroom...trying to silence the voices of reminders of everything you experienced the day before, or schedule reminders of everything you have to get done this day or that.
My pastor provided a wonderful book for our perusal for a leadership formation group we are creating at church. The book was entitled, "The Good Life: Benedict's Guide to Everyday Joy" by Robert Benson. One chapter covers the idea that one must find a way to learn how to order your life in such a way that there is a balance between my prayer, my rest, my work, my family, and my community times. He went on to state, " It is in the returning and rest that we shall be saved. But not if we do not even stop and sit down and be SILENT."
Love this so much!
Cultivate SILENCE.
For it is during this time that we silence our heads, (Which is not an easy task) our hearts, (Easier that we think) and allow God to enter in. He went on to state that it was also true that if there is no time set aside for the inward journey then there would definitely not be much energy left for the journey outward."
Once this happens, we are back to the rat race, blurring the sidelines and racing through our lives...not taking the time to really listen to those around us, being surface, and superficial.
Slow down.
Open your ears and hearts, dear friends. Cultivate Silence.
And allow whatever God, whatever spirit guide you pray to, to enter into your heart and head and bring solace...it is something we desperately need in the world of today...
I jumped and thought sure why not give it a shot. I could go and interview and see what came if it. I flew up to Pennsylvania. It was a wonderful trip. A chance to reconnect with a dear friend and her partner and to experience what life was like in the New England states. A Beautiful part of our country that I truly want to experience...but I digress...
One of the most interesting portion of the interview process was being asked the same question, numerous times, " How do you handle silence?" I was completely taken aback at this question.
As many of you know, I don't handle it well. I am a talker. Not sure you knew that or not...
Well recently, the topic of silence came back into my view and thought process. It is not that I had forgotten this topic, it is just so easy to forget...Loading on numerous projects, surrounding yourself with kids who function at a different level of energy, begin pulled this way, that way...finding silence when you can...usually in the wee morning hours, sipping the dark coffee, and trying to wake up...when you would rather get back under the warm covers and dark interiors of your bedroom...trying to silence the voices of reminders of everything you experienced the day before, or schedule reminders of everything you have to get done this day or that.
My pastor provided a wonderful book for our perusal for a leadership formation group we are creating at church. The book was entitled, "The Good Life: Benedict's Guide to Everyday Joy" by Robert Benson. One chapter covers the idea that one must find a way to learn how to order your life in such a way that there is a balance between my prayer, my rest, my work, my family, and my community times. He went on to state, " It is in the returning and rest that we shall be saved. But not if we do not even stop and sit down and be SILENT."
Love this so much!
Cultivate SILENCE.
For it is during this time that we silence our heads, (Which is not an easy task) our hearts, (Easier that we think) and allow God to enter in. He went on to state that it was also true that if there is no time set aside for the inward journey then there would definitely not be much energy left for the journey outward."
Once this happens, we are back to the rat race, blurring the sidelines and racing through our lives...not taking the time to really listen to those around us, being surface, and superficial.
Slow down.
Open your ears and hearts, dear friends. Cultivate Silence.
And allow whatever God, whatever spirit guide you pray to, to enter into your heart and head and bring solace...it is something we desperately need in the world of today...
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