December Makes Me Feel This Way

I think this is one of my most favorite recent Christmas carols...
It has so much more to say and speaks to my heart on such a deeper level...

Every Christmas season it becomes my hope and wish that the world be new and precious as a newborn.
That all of the hatred in the world would disappear...that I could have that proverbial Miss America moment and promote world peace and puppies.
And that I truly see the love radiating from every face.

This year there seems to be a disjointed intensity to the holiday season...whether it is the shortness of the holidays this year or the craziness one hears on the television every night during the news...the world is different and there is a harshness that resonates through the happier wishes of Peace and Goodwill to all men...Can't we just get back to before? Or have we passed that point of no return...

I feel more lost this year than ever. I feel more disjointed, not connected it seems. Perhaps it is exhaustion, perhaps it is the common tone of the country and world in general, perhaps it is where I am...the end of the semester...it seems that love and peace are being tested it seems.

What I need to remember is the bridge to this carol...

"This spirit will guide me...

Whenever I am lost, it's gonna find me.

And when I am unsure, it will remind me,

Of who I am, what I can be...

December lives inside of me."

We all have the potential within us to create goodness where we are...it doesn't just go away when the last box of ornaments have been put back in the attic, yet we are so quick to jump back into the schedule and we forget...the innocence of that child's face on Christmas morning...the peaceful falling of the snow outside a frost covered window.

I am a better person for Christmas.

I am a more whole person with my fondness for the holiday season and who cares if Christmas throws up at my house...it makes me happier and calmer and a better person to have the joy in my heart and in my home. I need the gentle reminder that Christmas needs to be inside the heart all year round as a reminder of my potential...of who I am at my very core and who I have yet to become.

Digging through the ornaments and memories....

 

It's the time of the year to haul out the trees and dust off the ornaments and to bring back all of the nostalgia and fond memories of Christmases of long past and not so long ago. Every year I have a tradition of placing some special ornaments on my tree that have very special meaning to me that I thought I would share with you over the next few blog posts.

The first two ornaments have donned my tree every year since their passing. They always go right at the top and are never far from my thoughts as they are at the very core of my fondest memories of Christmas. My grandparents always made their homes open to us, with good food, wonderful laughter, and such joy. 

My Grandpa and Grandma Pete were always filling our hearts with their stories and laughter. They lived in this trailer home in Shevlin, Minnesota and though the house be small, it was filled to the brim, overflowing with love and good cheer. I miss the Progessive dinners and the homemade gift exchange...a chance for family to get together, eat amazing food, and give gifts we had made with love.

My Grandpa and Grandma Higdem always opened their home to us during Christmas. I remember Christmas dinner and having to wait to open presents until all the dishes were in the washer and everything was put away. I was the only grandchild on this side of the family and my grandparents spoiled me. 

At the Higdem's, I loved being able to go into the woods and find a little Christmas tree for the attic where my bedroom was. I would decorate this Charlie Brown tree with whatever lights and decorations didn't make it to the tree in the living room. These ornaments still don my tree today. Folks may look at these and think...WHY? Why those old things? 

But to see those fragile ornaments and be reminded of fond memories...to see my Grandmother's hand-writing on the stocking ornament and to be reminded of these childhood memories is always a source of anticipation for my season...

Too soon for Christmas???

I need Christmas to come a little early this year. I feel the need for the joy the season brings, the lightness, the jolly attitude. The "getting caught up in the beauty of the spirit." The joy. The peace. The merriment. The time for family to get together, create memories and new traditions.

I guess you could say I need a JOLLY ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

One of the things that always puts me in the best mood is by hauling out the Christmas music and movies. My favorites. You know the ones...the ones you drag out and watch every year, much like a holiday tradition.

One of my most favorite movies of all time is The Family Stone. I love love love this movie so much. It is the story of a family as they head into the holiday season, a family who is diverse and loving and bickering and intense. One character meets this family for the first time during the immense pressure of the holiday season. One character is coming of age. One character and his partner are yearning for an adoption to come through. One character is in the final stages of cancer and struggling with how her family will persevere. While at times the movie is a little far-fetched, I still adore it and it still brings tears to my eyes.

Its a movie that every family can relate to. Every family has its struggles. Their own traditions. Their own special moments.This year, more than ever, this movies rings so true to me. My mom and a dear friend are in cancer mode. This year, more than ever, I pray for healing, for lightness of being, for a healing light in their soul.

I also watched for the first time "White Christmas". WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG??? As some of my friends would say, "What the heck, Higdem? You are not being a good gay for not watching this movie." I hang my head in shame much the way I did when I finally admitted that I had not seen Mommie Dearest. HA! HA! HA!

I love the feeling the holidays provide. I love the jovial atmosphere... There are things on my heart and in my head that I cannot reveal as to why I am there right now...but know that this season lightens the load just a little bit. And if a little holiday spirit and jovialness can bring about a little lightness of being in my heart, than I say GOD BLESS IT and BRING IT ON!!!!!

So we will HAUL OUT THE HOLLY and PUT UP THE BRIGHTEST STRING OF LIGHTS I've EVER SEEN!!!

Thank you, Auntie Mame.

A week of disappointment...

Just a week of disappointment...
I have not been blogging very much here lately. The schedule has been SO hectic. And debilitating. I am exhausted and am looking forward to Thanksgiving...where I will be more than thankful for the rest and a break.
Kids making wrong choices.  Dealing with back-stabbing and folks who feel it is their place to stick noses into places that it just isn't needed nor requested. Folks making choices about my program with little to no involvement. Students who have so much visible potential and are pushing every button possible and stumbling, setting themselves up for failure. Frustrated with my lack of patience regarding life in general. It takes a large amount of BS to pile up for me to finally take the bull by the horns and boy HOWDY, I am reaching that point in some aspects of my life.
What I have to do is keep reminding myself why I keep doing this...Reminding myself that it is these moments that define me. Moments that toughen me. Moments that strengthen my spine.
Sure this past week had some pretty amazing "pinch me" kinda moments. From getting the chance to see my kids perform in their 9th grade/ 10th grade fall play to watching some great Forensics individual events getting ready for next weekend's competition. I got the chance to go hear an all-around great guy perform his music at a local pub for a date night. I even got the chance to facilitate a movie premiere organized to raise money for a scholarship fund...this event also contained a Q&A with Michael Urie, of Ugly Betty fame. He was so nice. So sweet. So giving and inspirational to our students. I loved the opportunity to do this and he was such a motivational speaker and was able to connect how his success as a director/ actor/ producer can be tied to his work in a Forensics program in Texas. SO COOL!!!!
It's in those moments when dark clouds knock at the door or cloud my day...I gotta remind myself of these gleaming moments and keep praying for patience and guidance and lightness of being.

And then a sweet friend posts this on her Facebook page and I know that there is a hand in this life of mine...leading me through...

How do you plan on living an extraordinary life?

Gentle reminders,friends.

Gentle reminders...

When society demands that you "Man Up"

Heck, who am I to say that the strongest people have cried in front of me when I am usually the one tearing up. I have always said that I am much more in touch with my feminine side rather than with my masculine side...and that is sad when I read that. What that statement implies is that feminine is weak and emotional. That masculine is a symbol of strength, untowering and unwavering...emotionless...

And that could not be farther from the truth. Both sexes are strong. Both sexes are driven and powerful. Both have the capacity to be emotional and feel deeply...

But the true fact is that society never allowed one of them to be so...

And to this very day, I think that men are frowned upon to show their emotions.

Sad.

I think it is important to be honest.

I think it is important to be in tune, not only with yourself, but also with others around you.

I fail at this...

I get so busy. I get so caught up in the hectic race of life, the schedule, that I lose connection.

One of my former students brought a poem to the Forensics team last year for competition that was entitled, "Man Up." 

I remember not only being moved by his performance, but also by the strong verbage held within the lines.

The words may be a little off-putting...but the sentiment is strong and the content powerful...

10 Sentences that can CHANGE your Perspective on life

Many of these speak to me on such a prfound level...

So many words and phrases scream out at me

 "Tolerated"

"Limitations"

"See the world"

"Failure builds character"

I think that the slide which states, "The most dangerous risk of all- the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet that you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later." speaks the deepest to me...

How sad...

It's like placing goals in your future, 

Putting off taking those trips...

Putting off crossing off bucket list content...

All while not doing what you really love...

Thinking that someday

SOMEDAY

I will have all the time in the world to be able to do this or that...

I have seen the hurt. I have seen the family saying goodbye when it was time...but there were so many things we needed to say, needed to do, wanted to experience.

Do it NOW.

Experience it now.

Be in the NOW.

Be in the moment and stay focused.

Stand by the edge of the lake and listen to the silver moon whisper "Yes"

(a line from my favorite poem...the Invitation)

Life is an invitation friends...

Saying live it all now cause tomorrow may not be an option.