Meditation

I don't deal with silence very well.
My mind gets going.
I spin things...
Sometimes VERY unfairly.
I am not comfortable in my own silence and perhaps that is very telling.

However, over the past few months, I have really found great value in a yoga program at our local community center. It is called Warm and Restore Yoga and it centers on Yin Yoga. Yin Yoga focuses less on flow and movement and more so on setting a posture and holding it for longer periods of time, allowing your body to stretch and release and grow. Each session always ends with a small amount of time for meditation. I have fallen in love with this time allotted for myself. I am grateful for the opportunity to recoup and regroup and focus my head and heart and body. I love this form and style of yoga.

Over the past year I have also become a fan of podcasts...especially the podcast that motivate and encourage you to personally grow. I hosted a fall conference last September down in Little Rock that was centered on personal growth and professional growth. I created a inspiration packet that included valuable music, mantras, books, and podcasts to find inspiration.These are part of that packet. Feel free to peruse.

 I do not have the rights and royalties to any of these. I just created these pages to provide inspiration to my fellow instructors and colleagues. Perhaps you will find inspiration from them as well??

One thing I noticed from a couple of my USUAL podcasts is that in a two week time frame, they spoke about the power of meditation. They even mentioned the idea that if a concept or topic is brought up into discussion numerous times and from numerous sources, sometimes there has to be a reason. That perhaps we are meant to dig deeper. find why it has been brought into your forefront for you to dig into?

Well...here is what came into my periphery from two of the same podcasts over a different time frame.

They brought up this idea of a 10 day meditation program called Vipassana. It is an ancient meditation that is still taught today and was taught by Buddha himself in India 2500 years ago. There are sites all over the world that teach these 10-day courses and they are free. You are fully immersed into the meditation program, no phones, no paper to write things down, and they provide you the food and lodging for the experience. They only money they ask for is at the end of the experience as a goodwill donation and to help pay it forward for future friends to experience this form of meditation.

Here is the website link: https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index

Drew Carey mentioned it on his interview with Dax Shepard on Armchair Experts and Rachel Hollis spoke in great detail about it on Rise. They have also, I believe, talked about it quite fully on Good Life Project.

It is just sounds life changing.
It sounds amazing.
It sounds too good to be true.
It sounds awful and daunting and quite possibly a little nerve wracking once you get into it.
I doubt myself as to whether I could actually do it.
And perhaps I need a little more focus placed on actual meditation so that I do not set myself up for failure...

But I am intrigued...
And consider my interest peaked.

Sharing our truth

Life is an incredible journey.
There are going to be hardships. There are going to be moments that will KNOCK the breath out of you and leave you hopelessly crumpled on the ground.
But you HAVE TO PICK YOURSELF BACK UP.
You HAVE TO.
For in getting back up, you show what you are made of.
It may hurt like hell for a while. But those wounds will heal.

There are going to be amazing memories that you will carry with you forever.
For life is but a roller coaster. Truthfully a CRAZY roller coaster. Of emotions. Of experiences. Of snapshots. Of friendships. Of partings.

But that is what makes up our life's topography.

And it is okay.

I have and always will lead this life in a mode of kindness matters first and foremost and that we must always figure out how to lead with love. I share this with my kiddos on the daily. No matter what is sometimes thrown back at you. You give grace and move forward...leaving behind the the ignorance, the unwillingness to dig deeper, the unwillingness to listen...
Because most of the time...that is on them...not you.

It is so important to share our truths no matter what.
Whatever that may mean to you.
Sometime this is hard.
Sometimes this is unknown.
But it is YOUR truth.

If it makes others uncomfortable...once again, that is on them.
That is something that they will need to work on...
Or not.
That is not on you.

Live fully friends.
Live beautifully.
Give Hugs.
Spread Love and Kindness.
The world NEEDS it right now.

Where I am...

 Sometimes we get so caught up and blinded by the path we are on. The state of things...both personally and physically. 

I have been on a journey and am learning so much about myself and my relationships.
It has been exhausting and I am going to be very transparent. That is the best policy for me. Call it narcissistic. Call it caustic. Call it a need for a little selfishness. Call it whatever you want but it works for me.

I have not been in a good place. Beginning from my mom's death. And then the nation turned the SHARP corner and I felt nothing but anxiety. I felt hopelessness. I felt unstable and unsure and not sure what that next step looked like.

But I reached out. I was encouraged by my husband to begin therapy and it has been a struggle. It has been a beautiful, awful experience and I wouldn't change a thing. If you think "wow I didn't realize how weak he is"...STOP READING NOW and move on. This post is definitely NOT for you. And you wouldn't understand.

But if you felt otherwise...read on fellow sojourner.

Therapy has allowed me to grow and to recognize various areas and issues in my life that I didn't deal with, that I didn't realize I "suffered" from or that I pushed aside.

Various issues came to the surface:

• How vengeful our society has become. How hate filled it is and how much I struggle to understand that. And POLITICS has fueled this.
• How much my early education and teachings from the church were both beautiful and HURTFUL to someone like me. The fire and brimstone of my childhood church has debilitated me and my relationship with my husband and how certain members of my family played a HUGE role in that. Lots of guilt and SHAME and FEAR resurfaced.
• How my coming out process was not like others (thankfully) but that some of the things my mother reacted to during my coming out process has defined where I am today... the AIDS epidemic and how scary that is and was to a Midwestern fresh out of the closet gay...and a protective mother who "was just too young to lose a son. Too young to have a son DIE of AIDS"....the amount of FEAR on both sides...and the COURAGE to navigate through it together...yet the amount of guilt that still weighs on my heart. And Shame.
• The fact that when younger, I just was not a piece of the puzzle that fit into the gay community...the meat market of it all, the sex, sex, sex, and how I was of the mindset of ( and always have been) the Long-term relationship kinda guy and if there wasn't the emotional connection...there definitely wasn't going to be the intimate relationship. Hence LOTS of being alone and lonely and the shame that went with that.
• The fact that when I was younger, I was NOT what other boys were...I was NOT comfortable in my own skin...I was way too skinny...I was not like the muscular boys in my Boy Scout troop...and then there was the attraction to them...and the fact that I was way more feminine than I should be in a hyper-masculine world. I have found out that unfairly my folks tried to navigate through that and perhaps blame was placed no one or the other because I was so "sensitive" and "emotional" and didn't play sports, hated sports, and was more focused on imagination and creative venues. My closest friends were girls. I didn't relate to many guys for fear of being treated WEAK and poked fun of. More shame

It is all of these and more that I am trying very hard to navigate through. I don't put this out there for sympathy. I don't put this out there for comment. I DO NOT put this out there to point fingers or lay blame. It is no one's fault. It was MY DNA and it has taken me such a LONG time to get to this point of being able to realize that.

I DO put this out there to say, "Hey, we all have things we struggle with. And with help, you can emerge stronger and more whole and at peace with what cards you were dealt." You just have to be willing to take the outstretched hand and grab hold.

I DO put this out there for whoever is reading this to realize that you CAN emerge from the other side with a sense of strength and positivity and refocus and vibrancy that is super cool to feel. 

Is the journey easy? HELL NO! It is the most awful, debilitating, invigorating, exciting, and scary journey I have ever gone down. But it is honesty and a willingness to navigate through it a figure out why I do the things I do, made the choices made, and see why I am the mess I am today. And I am a mess...believe me. But I am working on it.

I am beginning to feel WHOLE on many levels for the first time in my life and just wanted to share with you, my story, my journey. What I struggled, and still struggle with, and that I am grateful to each of you for sticking by me, supporting me, loving me, coming back into my life and helping me row this boat. Because I am beginning to feel refreshed and refocused and stronger.

Nostalgia...the memories flood back

To say that I was overwhelmed with emotions during this concert was an understatement. That's what the holidays always bring for most of us. It was fond memories of holiday cookies at Grandma's or searching the Higdem acreage for just the right tree for my attic bedroom to put all the throw away ornaments that didn't make the cut for the tree downstairs...

If I must admit this...I still put some of those ornaments on my current trees...and they remain so special.

I got to the end of the concert and could feel those emotions washing and flooding over me. The traditions that sadly are long gone...The people who have since passed away and left us behind...
Christmas is about creating not only moments...remembering the times long ago, but also creating traditions that are new and special to us all.

But if I am really going to be honest...

The one I miss the most at Christmas is my Mom. 

She loved Christmas so much...

Christmas filled her house and heart.

All year round!

Her Santas grace my home and tree.

Her spirit lives on in each of us.

Her passion and zest for life is instilled in me.

And her Christmas is my Christmas and always will be...

And I just could not stop thinking about her as I ended this concert...

"Someday soon we all will be together,

if the Fates allow...

Until then...

We'll have to muddle through somehow"

And the emotions continue well into the future...

Just one more Christmas without her is still difficult...sometimes overwhelming...

and I just let the emotions come as they may...

honor them...

in my heart and soul. 

And continue to honor her legacy and all she has taught me.

This guy right here...

This guy right here...

The real trooper...

He had to take over the drive up because the roads just plain frightened me...

He has always been able to take over when the going got rough it seems...

It is an ongoing theme through our lives together...

I am grateful, thankful, and blessed to have an amazing father in my life. He brought and encouraged music to be in my life...even from a very young, early age. We would sing duets in church. We would play trumpet duets at family reunions.
We have always had that special blend that still gives me chills.

 It has not always been wine and roses...but whose relationships are? Am I right?

Jump back a few months...

Dad was always going to go with Justin and I to Bemidji. I just wanted Dad at this concert.
But then I was like...why am I not asking him to sing with me?

So I reached out...

And called him...

"Hey, Dad!! You wouldn't happen to have a tuxedo, would you?"

His response..."Umm I do"

"How would you like to sing with me on the Bemidji concert?"

"Oh my goodness, Brandon, that has always been a bucket list of mine...to sing with a symphony orchestra."

MERRY CHRISTMAS

So he got his chance and oh the memories that we created.
 Just chills and goosebumps...

I am so honored and grateful he said yes...

Enjoy!!!

Tapping into my holiday roots...

And I bet you thought I was talking about my BLONDE hair and the roots that are sure to be coming....
NOPE!!!!
When I was growing up, we always loved to put the classic vinyl records on the record player and listen to the Christmas favorites...

Bing Crosby

Burl Ives

Perry Como

Rosemary Clooney

Judy Garland

Frank Sinatra

The Carpenters

We would put the records on and decorate the tree in the living room, with cider on the stove, and the lights would catch me up in the spirit. Bringing out the ornaments that had been packed so delicately to hang once again on the boughs. Good food, fond memories, holiday spirit, opening presents...so many memories that bring lightness to the ole heart and a smile across my face.

Jump ahead and today we consider others to be classic Christmas...we have more performers who have dominated today's holiday music tracks...

Mariah Carey

Harry Connick, Jr.

David Koz

Michael Buble

Whitney Houston

Amy Grant

To select just 8 songs for this Symphony concert was quite a challenge. I wanted ones that were traditional like:

Winter Wonderland

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Or one of my faves:

Jingle Bells...with an Andrew Sister's style of arrangement.

What was so much fun this time around was getting the opportunity to sing with dear friends I had never gotten the chance to sing with but had always followed? adored/ admired them from afar.

One of them is the daughter of one of my dad's life long high school friends!!!!

Music brought us together for one evening of creating music together and it was such a cool gift!

Crossing more off that bucket list...

I was given the opportunity of a lifetime last week.
About a year ago, I was asked by the conductor of the Bismarck/Mandan  and Bemidji Symphony, Dr. Beverly Everett to guest solo at the Bemidji Symphony's Christmas concert. I jumped at the opportunity and went to work searching for just the right numbers I would like to sing on the evening's music.
Well, December 3rd...it happened and it was the most...
Goosebumpy.
Glorious.
Nervewracking.
Amazing.
Moving.
Cool experiences of my life.

We drove over 1000 miles to get to northern Minnesota, braving the bad icy and snowy roads...mostly my Dad, who went with...because he could navigate so much more smoothly through these types of roads as he felt much more comfortable driving on them...

The turn around was quick. We have one rehearsal Monday evening, a quick recap on Tuesday prior to performance and BOOM.

We were on.

And I loved every moment of it.

I was born 27 miles west of Bemidji in  small town named Bagley. My parents were high school sweethearts there. Both sets of grandparents lived, farmed, raised families, created amazing memories, died and are buried in the area. I still have many relatives that live in the area. My mom is buried in the area...
Of course I would leap at this opportunity.

And of course...there is no place like being home for the holidays...

The memories just washed over me.

Of Christmases long past...

I had not been back for the Christmas season since my grandparents had still been alive and that was a long time...

And I am so grateful for this opportunity...

Sharing more soon!