Is it possible to forgive AND forget?

If you have read my recent blog post concerning "My defining moment of Christmas" you may know that I am currently dealing with two relatives' biblical view of my life. The response to my blog post has been immensely supportive and for that I am grateful. I have felt the love, believe me! And I have felt guidance on a higher level throughout this entire experience. And for that I am able to grow and bloom.

In the past, I have made wrong choices. I tried so hard to be the director of my life, the captain of my own ship, and sadly tried to "help" others...all in the name of family and friendship... thinking I was helping but yet was only hurting those relationships. But one of the things I have learned from my past mistakes is that the only life you can direct is your own. You cannot direct someone else's life views, cannot interject your own personal views, try to be the parent, when it was not asked for.

One of the last things I stated in my response to these family members was to say that I forgive them. Many of you have commented about how HUGE this response was and how you could not be as forgiving. I went on to state that I may not be able to forget this, but that I most certainly am able to forgive them of their ignorance. If this occurrence had happened say ten years ago, I can honestly say that I would not have been so forgiving. Time does indeed heal everything. But does the idea of "not forgetting" mean that I have truly forgiven these acts?

I struggle with this very topic and to take the tone of Carrie Bradshaw, from Sex in the City, " Is it possible to Forgive AND Forget?" I decided to look into this idea...

Researchers state that "people who are generally more neurotic, more angry, and hostile in life" tend to be less likely to forgive a person even after a great deal of time has passed. They went on to state that these people were also very likely to avoid contact with their transgressor. They also stated that studies showed that those who did forgive were able to lead a healthier life than those who held grudges. The less forgiving people were more likely to have health issues later on in life.

Jesus clearly stated, time and time again, in His teachings, of the importance of forgiveness. The Prodigal Son or The Sermon on the Mount come to mind. "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." Even in His own death Jesus stated, "Father Forgive them for they know not what they do." Yes, I can follow this immense example.

But can one truly forget? When someone has hurt you so deeply, to the very core of who you are as a human being, can you TRULY forgive and forget? I think the answer is yes. And no. Mayo Clinic studies show that the act of forgiveness is a decision to let go of the hurt or resentment or thoughts of revenge. The act of hurt or resentment may always be a part of you, define who you are, or how you proceed with that relationship, but forgiveness can also loosen the grip on you and help you to look at the more positive aspects of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy, or compassion for those who hurt you. I know this to be the case towards these two particular family members. I cannot hold onto the fact that they live in a small town, have not experienced the world, live in a glass bubble, and are sadly ignorant to the world evolving and changing around them against them.

In discussions with my pastor, who happens to be my own father, I have found great solace. When asked what my reaction to this whole situation was, I immediately stuck my arms out in a STOP motion and said "This." I went on to explain that there were many things that made me sad about the situation. But solace will be found in setting boundaries.

One was the fact that going forward, when knowing that there would be possible family functions ahead in the future, that sadly the next question out of my mouth would have to be, "Who's invited". I am not going to put myself, or Justin, in a situation where either of us would be cornered, or used as a dart board, and treated disrespectfully again.

Second was that I sadly allowed someone from my own family, someone that I hear from once a year, that I see once a year, if that, to have that much control over my emotions and my life and my holiday. And truthfully how important is this relationship to me? When it really gets down to the nitty gritty of it, this relationship is surface only and to sever ties would not be out of the question. I allowed her too much power in my emotions and in my life and will not make that mistake again. What screamed out to me after reading and thinking about her letter was the fact that she did not know me, nor did she ever attempt to find out more about me. Nor did she ask anyone around her about me or my life...she just shot and targeted and attacked.

She has apologized to both my Mom and I in a quick one sentence letter to each of us. It stated simply, " I am sorry that I hurt you." That is the correct reaction.

So can one forgive and forget? And is it true forgiveness if one cannot forget? The research has found that despite the cliche I have grappled with here, forgetting is virtually impossible. Forgetting may not be realistic or even a desirable goal. "Forgiveness does not involve literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers true through painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stirs up contempt."

I like this very much. And given time, I think this is the avenue I can pursue. For now...I let it go. Pray to God to grant me peace in my life. Pray to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

amen...

One of the coolest things about teaching...

One afternoon there seemed to be a turnstile at my classroom door during my prep period...

I love the fact that student who have graduated come back and visit. I had three students in one afternoon come back to spend time touching base with me. It was kind of an odd, yet cool, occurrence... these three students did not come together, did not know each other, and all walked into my classroom within three to five minutes of each other.

The first young man was in my Competitive Speech course and was able to travel with us to Europe last summer. He met his girlfriend in my CS class. She was a foreign exchange student only with us for one semester. He is actually moving back to Sweden this weekend to be with her. I admire his fearlessness and his ability to leap with no limits. He has his work visa, but no job and is perfectly okay to play banjo for his supper! I LOVE THAT!!!! I wish him soooooo much success! To live with fearless abandon!

Five minutes later in walks a young lady I had the opportunity to have in class for two years, beginning with my Drama 1 class. She had to be a student of mine through my first year of teaching! She is such a dear heart and struggled so much with living in Little Rock, being from Chicago. When she walked into my class that day, she had a little one in her arms. This beautiful young woman was holding her newborn girl with the most beautiful head of hair! She had come to introduce me to her brand new daughter, and to be in my classroom one last time, as she was moving back to Chicago. How cool that she wanted to say goodbye before moving. I will miss her dearly. And she made me feel so special, that she wanted to introduce me to someone so special to her...a precious bundle of beauty...such little fingers!!! Super Sweet!

Then a little while longer, another young man walked thru my door. He had been back from the West Coast. He had moved out there for a true love and to begin a new life. He was coming in to say goodbye before he left a couple of days later.

And these are three of many. I love that students come back to say hello, to come and hang out over lunch, to fill me in on all of their adventures. I love hearing from them, to hear of all their successes, and how much their independence excites them.

And I know that there will be many more. And I love that they do come back to say hello and share the adventures of their lives.

I am grateful for this added bonus of teaching.

This very cool video was shot, under the direction of Scott Penberthy, using Lady Gaga's song "Edge of Glory" to showcase one couple's struggle and adventures getting to the altar. It is so beautifully created, editted, and showcases such wonderful talent but highlights some of the things that are on my heart. It is my hope and wish to someday have this type gathering for family and friends to share a life defining event such as this with Justin. It is a beautiful homage to "true love, friendship, and the struggles we all take to leap without hesitation into the arms of love".

I have taught my high schoolers to not live their lives in a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" situation and that the time for enjoying and learning from your life is now. If something does not make you happy, why struggle with it? So many gay people are struggling with those who do not understand, who cannot comprehend being "different", who use the Bible to judge and condemn, when we truly need to follow the teachings of Jesus and love each other, treat each other with the same love and respect that we would expect, and live our lives to the fullest each day.

Penberthy writes, " This video is for everybody who has ever loved and was loved in return. To those that think that it never does or will get better, it does. It does get better- It becomes beautiful."

This video encapsulates this for me. Perhaps my bucket list will change a bit? Perhaps this is a possibility? Perhaps Justin and I can find this type of gathering as a possibility in our futures? I would love that very much.

The Power of the Arts Continued...

As many of you may know from reading a past blog entry entitled, "The Power of the Arts" you learned that we have been seeing arts programs cut from curricullums across America at an alarming rate. We have even seen hints of it in our own school district. It is scary to think that even some our own current Republican Presidential candidates have touted the removal of The Department of Education and all it entails as a means to make cuts in our budgets to "save money". Some have even specifically told people that art and an education in the arts are not as important as "test scores" and "making the grade" not even thinking about the fact that we, as educators, need every possible avenue to be able to reach our students at whatever avenue they require, whether it be through a calculator or a paint brush or a theatrical performance or a bonson burner.

This video is a culmination of a great deal of time and effort in order to help emphasize that point...through the eyes and words of past North Little Rock High School graduates and parents of graduates who have been away from the program a little while. Now MORE THAN EVER, they recognize what arts in an educational setting has provided, not only for them, but also for generations to come.

I am EXTREMELY PROUD of this work and am so excited to be able to present it to you.

One of my faves...

One of my most favorite quotes is from Theodore Roosevelt, delivered in Paris back on April 23, 1910. Roosevelt always seems to ring true and I find that a great deal of Presidential speeches and comparisons/ models for presidential candidacies center around "The Greats". There is a reason that these "Greats" have their faces memorialized in rock both in Washington and in a mountain in South Dakota.
During this time of resolutions and new year beginnings, I submit these words for your thought and perusal:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

So true and so poignant. It is a motto I strive to emulate and encourage my students to embrace. Never ever EVER live your life in a "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda" type of situation. You have to live it for the way you want. If something does not make you happy, why are you doing it? Why are you still in it? Why are you in an arena, getting all dusty and sweaty and riled up, if it truly does not bring you boundless joy? Why are you standing by the wayside watching others speed by on the racetrack when you should be shifting your own gears to make tracks of your very own?

Here's to the racetrack of 2012. Bring it ON!

Thank you Mr. Roosevelt!

Food for thought

From a Facebook friend:
Written by Rev. Jay Emerson Johnson, Ph.D.
Episcopal priest and professor, Graduate Theological Union

From The Huffington Post
Homos for the Holidays: A Religion Survival Guide

Your daughter and her new girlfriend have joined you and your extended family for a holiday feast. You're thrilled that they agreed to come. But your favorite uncle apparently didn't get the memo about how great it would be to have a lesbian couple sitting at the table. Somewhere between the hors d'oeuvres and main course, he starts grumbling about how "crimes against nature" and "abominations" are ruining his holiday.
Do you: a) fake a migraine and escape to your bedroom for two hours; b) switch the topic to politics, which would surely be easier to talk about than this; or c) adopt a non-anxious, self-confident posture as you calmly explain why God has no problem with your daughter's relationship and neither should anyone else?
I imagine most people would like to choose option "C," but far too few feel sufficiently prepared to do it. I don't recommend delivering a lecture on this topic over dinner. But if you're worried about entertaining homos for the holidays, here's a brief religion survival guide that can help soothe the family conversations. Just imagine chatting with your beloved uncle over eggnog. Whenever he makes one of the following claims (as he likely will), just respond calmly and lovingly in return, like this:

Uncle Claim #1: The Bible clearly condemns homosexuality.
Your Calm Response: Lots of people think exactly the same thing! But did you know that most biblical scholars agree that biblical writers never addressed gay and lesbian relationships as we know them today? The word "homosexuality" wasn't even invented until the late 19th century. Biblical writers cared much more about guarding against idolatry and condemning social and economic injustice than worrying about who fell in love with whom. Want to talk about year-end bonuses for Wall Street moguls?

Uncle Claim #2: But wait, God destroyed Sodom because of all that gay sex, right?
Your Calm Response: Actually, in the story of Sodom in Genesis 19, all the men of Sodom attempt to gang-rape some foreign visitors. As in rape cases today, this act is not about sexuality but about violence, power, and the hatred of strangers. All the references to this story in the rest of the Hebrew Bible (the Christian Old Testament) confirm that the "sin" of Sodom was hatred of foreigners, pride, and abuse of the poor. No sexual "sin" is mentioned in any of these later references to the story of Sodom's destruction. You know, biblical writers would probably urge us to discuss U.S. immigration policy if we're going to talk about "sodomy."

Uncle Claim #3: Well, OK. Still, the Bible clearly supports heterosexual marriage as the ideal.
Your Calm Response: I used to think so, too! But did you know that the primary form of marriage in the Hebrew Bible is polygamy, with the prize going to King Solomon, who was said to have 700 wives and 300 concubines? I was really surprised to realize that in the New Testament, both Jesus and Paul were unmarried and childless and seemed to recommend that everyone else follow their example (the best thing Paul could think to say about marriage is that it cures lust; take a look at 1 Corinthians 7). Actually, we could talk about the amazing biblical stories of same-sex devotion concerning Jonathan and David or Ruth and Naomi!

Uncle Claim #4: Then why did God create Adam and Eve, you know, rather than Adam and Steve?
Your Calm Response: Have you met Steve? He's fabulous... OK, just kidding. But think about this: the biblical creation stories in Genesis never mention same-sex relationships of any kind. The purpose of those stories is to show that God is the creator of everything that exists -- don't you think that this would include people who have a sexual orientation towards others of the same sex? And think about the creation story in Genesis 2. That chapter seems to say that the explicit purpose of creating sexual partners is not for the procreation of children but instead for the relief of loneliness. Same-sex relationships fulfill that purpose of creation as well as different-sex relationships do -- just look at your grand-niece! Doesn't she seem happy with her girlfriend?

Uncle Claim #5: Of course she does! But the Church won't accept her relationship!
Your Calm Response: You know what? Lots of churches will! And you know what else? The Church has never really figured out what to say about marriage. Way back in the first few centuries of Christianity, the Church actually elevated celibacy as the spiritual ideal, not marriage. Only in the medieval world and especially in the Protestant Reformation during the 16th century did Christians start to talk about marriage as a significant Christian vocation. Today, lots of churches recognize same-sex relationships as a blessing just like heterosexual couples are. But right now, dear uncle, don't you think the most important thing is to make my daughter and her girlfriend feel welcome here, in our family?

Your holiday conversation probably won't go exactly like that. But here's the most important thing: religion is supposed to draw us together, create community, and deepen our love for one another. You love your uncle, and you love your lesbian daughter. Religion should never force you to choose between them. That's the good news of religion this holiday season: God loves LGBT people just as much as your beloved uncle. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

THANK YOU JANE NOSEWORTHY and HUFFINGTON POST!!!

The defining moment of my Christmas...

There were so many defining moments of this years Christmas...

The family being together.
Justin and I in our first home together with a chance to start some of our own traditions.
The energy of the kids getting so excited to open up the presents.
The excitement of presents that were a hit.

The tears of presenting Blaine with the Bible that Doug had given me. I told him that this was something that was very special to me, given to me by my own godfather, and it was time to pass it along to him. Let's just say that I was kinda blubbering a bit (no shocker here) and Blaine was the true trooper saying that he would save it to open at home on Christmas morning. He even told his Momma that the present he had placed in her purse was something very special to Uncle Brandon and that he had put it in there to save for opening later. Made me feel really really great!

The candlelight service at church...you know, like I said last year, cannot make it through Silent Night without tears. It is the flood of thoughts of Christmases past, the thoughts of loved ones gone, in combo with the candlelight and the beautiful music. Was really beautiful and moving.
No it was truly not these wonderful moments that defined my Christmas this year.

No, it happened to be a Christmas card I had received from my cousin up in northern Minnesota that I happened to open right before I left for the folk's house for preparation for dinner. I only hear from them once a year, at Christmastime, and maybe see them once a year as well. I kinda thought something was odd this year with the card coming from them addressed only to me. The card was ordinary, no picture from their eventful year, handwritten which I cannot figure out how people do that for every card. I had given that up years ago, opting for form letter format, and get quite the razzing for.

No this card also included a typed message from this particular cousin stating that she had continued to read all of my past Christmas letters and because of a comment in this year's Christmas letter concerning the rights of all Americans to have equal and same rights for all, including marriage or civil unions or what have you, she felt the need to finally respond. What followed was a conglomeration of Bible verses, how the lifestyle I "chose" was wrong in the eye's of God and was clearly stated in the Bible, how Justin is probably a good person, but that she was drawing some sort of a line. What she went on to state was that she would always love me as we are family, but that she basically did not accept me for who I truly am. How my own actions were, in God's eyes, punishable by death and a true sentence to hell, as was stated in the Bible. How sad that she chose Christmas Day to unleash this. I am not sure what her true intentions actually were for writing a letter of this sort??

With tears welling up in my eyes, I had to have my very own Emma Thompson moment from the movie "Love Actually", somehow trying to pull myself together, and get over to the folk's house and be with my family. How was I supposed to hide this one on my face? Enter the Joni Mitchell music here if you would like.

How could someone who considers herself family feel that this was the appropriate time to say anything of this caliber? So much hate disguised as familial love. So much Biblical babble. I had been actually expecting this for quite sometime, but truth be known, I had expected it from her mother, my aunt. I did not think that it would come from this cousin. Surprise of all surprises.

How could she look at me and not even "know" me? Her ignorance saddens me most of all. Most people have known for years, some even before I knew my own self. How could she be that blind and not see, or upon reflection, realize that this has been my true calling in life? I feel I am only following the path that God had set me towards all my life. I have always felt different. I have always felt like I was not that masculine, hunter, farmer, gatherer the entire family in Northern Minnesota was. I was, and continue to be, the nurturer, crafter, artsy family member and always sat with the women during family get togethers as this was where I felt more comfortable. I never hunted, never wanted to talk fishing, know next to nothing about cars...how is it that I would not come to this realization and live the life I was truly meant to live? I could go on with all the other realizations, but that would be ridiculous and sound like a broken record. And am I to ignore this side of me? SERIOUSLY?

I struggle very much with what the Bible teaches. I have all my life, as one could imagine. I use Jesus's life as a model for my own, as much as I possibly can. Never once does He point out that you are to hate certain people, exclude certain people, but you are to love your fellow man and treat them as you yourself would wish to be treated. Never once does Jesus state this and in fact embraces his fellow man and treats the downtrodden with decency and provide healing power to all people.

I pray for inner peace every night. I pray for my family's health and happiness and pray for inner guidance. I pray for my friends and for Justin. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for Jesus to show me the way. This was my prayer, with tears streaming down my face, in the candlelight of the church service, with Silent Night ringing throughout the space. And a soft voice said in my head and began to get louder and louder, over and over...just say "I forgive you" and move on.

So that is what I am going to do...after the sting has gone down a bit, I will write her a little note, thanking her for her Christmas card, saying always good to hear from you, state that I am saddened at the time frame she chose to reveal her thoughts, defining my Christmas with tears, that it also saddens me that she does not truly know me, that the Christ I follow encouraged me to say, " I forgive You".

And I do forgive her. Sadly I cannot forget, but I most certainly can forgive.

What also is so eye opening to me is the love that I do feel from other family members, even members of the same family as these two women. How odd that views are so different. It is these supportive family members that I am blessed and thankful for....their love and support continues, even if they truly do not fully understand. But yet they can see how happy, how comfortable I finally am within my own skin, how blessed I have to have found someone who loves me for who I am. And some have even said that when Justin and I do decide to have a commitment ceremony to count them in. These are the moments that soften the sting of ignorance.