The journey of a lifetime

Over the last week of July and the first of August, I took a very personal journey back up North to my hometown and farther. It was truthfully a journey I had been preparing myself for for quite some time.
It was a journey I knew I had to take alone.
It was one of the final aspects of a personal checklist I had mentally created for my Mom and what I needed to do for her after her departure from us.
It was a journey for her.
It was a journey for me.
It was a journey for my heart.
It was a journey for my family.
It was a sort of wrap-up and closure of a very important chapter in all of our lives...even though the grieving process does continue.
It was extremely personal.
It was a re-connection to my past, to those who have made such an impact on my life, to those no longer with us, to those I had forgotten and needed a gentle reminder of. A smile always present at a fond memory. A tear in the eye on some of those memories and how they have changed...a little different because of years long gone by.
It was a journey filled with memories, both difficult and joyous. Filled with laughter and with tears, but important nonetheless.
It was beautiful.
It was incredibly tough. There were moments I had built up in my head for months and months and months, even before she actually passed.
I knew I had to do this for her.
For her memory.
For my heart.
For so many things.

I am going to share this with all of you kind of as a window into it all, but also to be able to share the importance of taking these journeys. Finding solace in the journey, each step forward, always becoming more and more aware at the pull of your heart and soul.

It is so important and I truly feel like a changed man because of this journey I just took.

It is my sincere hope and prayer that you each get a journey like this one and can experience this...the struggle opens up into something else, my friends.

I love this...

Gentle reminders...
I grabbed this from one of my friend's Facebook page...
It speaks to me on so many levels...
So many times, folks get stuck on all of these to varying degrees at various times in their lives.
Truthfully, all of these points hinge on the ideas and concepts of energy expenditures and preservation, something I have been hyper focused on over the last few months.

I look at point number one and just keep thinking, "Boy HOWDY!!!" Just think of the life lessons I have learned from this...Allowing my past hurts and issues to cloud my present. That is giving those moments too much power and allowing them to define your present days.

In my younger years, I would get so wound up over my problems, my friend's problems, family drama...and I would spin and spin and spin...and would just exhaust myself. I love #7...Smile. You don't own all the problems in the world. The older I get the more I come to realize that I cannot fix the world. I cannot fix all of the other people's problems. I cannot heal everyone's broken hearts. Always remember that it is not your job to fix other's problems...it's not my circus, not my monkeys.

What I can do is be present. Listen. Own my mistakes. Ask for forgiveness for hurt I may have caused. Know when my opinion is being asked for. Give it with heart and great thought process. Allow time to heal all of my own hurts caused by yourself and others. Forgive those who have hurt you and let them go off to sea. Try very hard to surround yourself with positivity and stop comparing your life to other's lives. Stand up for what I believe in. Say what I need to say. Select what battles to fight and the ones to just let go. Live your own life as fully and deeply as possible. Don't give others your energy if they have not shown you the same courtesy.

Remember what other's think of you is something you have no control over and is none of your business. Seek your own truth. Understand your own truth. This takes time and being open to it. Live in your own truth, release that truth to everyone around you and try not to worry. What you put out there will be returned to you.

I love you, sweet friends. I thank you for being a part of my life and am grateful for your love, grateful for our journey together. Make today a great day!

Tough commercials...

It is tough to see the cancer medication treatment commercials out on the television waves...all these coming out so quickly after my Mom's life was completed and I can't help but think, " Where the hell was this drug when Mom was going through her chemo? Why was this offer not in the mix?"

And I just get frustrated ...
And seeing it just makes me so sad...

And the irony is that the commercial speaks of all the horrible side effects, as most of these types of commercials do, and what to expect while on the drug...yet we see a virtually healthy example of a woman going out jogging, having a basically busy day...and now I know that that is complete bullshit. It is so far from the truth of chemo and the backlash of what treatments entail. It is so dishonest.

But we cannot show the truth of the treatment. God forbid.
We cannot show the effects of cancer.
We cannot show the slow wasting away.
We cannot show the loss of hair, the sickness, the greyness and sallow skin color, the fluctuation of energy and loss of strength.
We cannot show the struggle to get up, to breathe, or to just feel better.
We cannot show the truth because no one would want to know the actual truth of it all.

I understand that this particular drug helps on many levels.
I guess my frustration just blows up, wishing that this was on the table and available for my mom. Perhaps it would have changed where we are today...

One more hurdle to get over, I guess.

Finding time for creativity and ART.

There is something to be said about working on projects that fill your heart with joy. When work doesn't feel like work...

I have found that there is joy in my heart and a spring in my step this summer. I find myself slowly getting back into the rhythm of my life and I am so glad to be feeling this feeling. I have missed it.

There are so many responsibilities of a theater director, as many of you who follow this blog will attest to...there is the prep, the hours and hours of research and concept development. All of this prior to auditions and first design/production meetings. There is the creation of rehearsal calendars, maneuvering your way through everyone's schedules and juggling and piecing it all together. There is the work during the rehearsal process, which requires creating movement for every member of the cast on a stage with a design in mind that is not there...making sure that everyone knows where they are going, what they are wearing, what they are carrying and what they are singing while they are dancing...Thank GOD for teams of professionals who take on these massive responsibilities and do it willingly and most times without compensation.
We do it all for the love of the craft.
We do it for the love and need for creative outlet and expression.
We do it for the camaraderie and community and family aspect we experience.
We do it for the thrill of theater and the need to create something both meaningful and entertaining, while stirring the thought process as well.

The hours.
The late nights.
The aching joints.
The tired vocal chords.
The drive and thrill when you get to put those costumes on for the first time or see that set design for the first time or feel the glow of the lights.
It makes it all worth it.


Over the past many many months I have been working on Sweet Charity, both in research and in meetings and in auditions and casting and creating rehearsal schedules, and sitting in silence and working through blocking. Watching in awe as the choreographers create beauty and crisp gesture and beauty through movement. Listening to a music director mold a sound that is a pure glorious wall. I love it all.

Many would look at this as torture. Or not worth it. Or too much. Or think about the missed vacation time. Or may not even know all of the back story getting a cast to opening night. They just sit down with their programs and read the director's notes or the actor's bios and when the lights go down in the theatre, prepare themselves to be moved, to be entertained, or even perhaps forced into looking at something in a different light they may have never expected. I love that!

Over the past few weeks, I have been a little jarred by the feelings I am experiencing.
Sheer happiness.
Struggle and stress, but it doesn't feel like struggle and stress this time around?
It is happiness and energy.
It is feeling a crew of folks all on board a creative train started with ideas I had months ago.
Willing to take the risk with me.
Willing to take the journey with me.
Willing to share the story with others and all for the love of their craft.
I am thankful for this journey and know in my heart, I will need to figure out the juggle for this creative outlet to continue along with another part of my career I enjoy just as much as the months and years progress.

In the end, friends, we all will not have jobs we absolutely, 100% love love LOVE with all our hearts. And that is okay. You have to pay the bills.
But you also have to find the aspects of your life that bring you bliss.
Keep yourself open to those moments and realize when it happens that this is what you have to feed your soul with just as much as the day-to-day bill pays.

Carrying on my fellow travelers, with a new spring in your step.
If you are missing this, why not take today to be the turning point in making that change?

We live by words...by our actions...

One of the themes of the National Speech and Debate Association's National Speech Tournament held in Birmingham these past few weeks was "WORDS MATTER"

It got me to thinking...In today's world, words should matter. They should showcase your eloquence, your thoughtfulness, your approachablity and your drive. They are important in getting your point across, but they also can be used against you to hold you accountable. Or so I used to think...

In today's government, words don't seem to matter very much. It seems we can say what we want, when we want, how we want and it just doesn't matter. There is zero accountability for the words we choose as well as our actions. It seems our esteemed President can say anything he wants to on his Twitter account, which documents it for posterity, and then turn around weeks and months later and deny that he even said it. Yet its all right there for everyone to see...and then the hope is that we will remain stupid and think, "Oh yeah...he didn't say that..."

His wife completely plagiarized major chunks of her speech for the Republican National Convention last summer from her predecessor's speech years before. Verbatim...side by side screen shots and it is word for word...not once giving credit for who said it before her...and there are no consequences...zero.

We have Congressmen just making decisions along their own party lines and just not listening to their constituents. Many of my friends have found their voice and are making calls to their Congressmen and women, saying words like NO...vote NO...rethink this vote...redo this or that...don't undermine this...and it seems that some of these folks paid to represent their state, just turn a blind eye, in pursuit of their parties agenda or their own personal agenda for advancement.

I know that there are numerous examples of this all over the place, on both sides of the aisle, on every corner of our world, but in the past, folks lost their jobs, lost their degrees, lost their integrity over this issue. As it should be...it is lying, it is despicable, and it is ridiculous. However, there is no sign of a push for accountablility ever happening in our current situation...the comments are just pushed under the rug and denied or wished away and ignored...like it never happened...or thinking it will just go away in a few days...

But it is more concerning to me now more than ever...being a teacher promoting respectful interaction between speech competitors and building solid honest performances amongst my team members...

My question is this...with our children watching, our students paying close attention to every word that is being said by our leaders, by our parents, by our teachers...where is the line? Where is the accountability for your words and your actions? What is to stop our students from completely plagiarizing their term papers, their performances, their speeches, being called out on it, and responding with...well if our current leader, his wife, or Congressperson or mayor or preacher or parent can get away with it, then I should be able to as well. And there is absolute truth in that student's statement. They are correct. If we are now not accountable for what we say and how we say it...then what is this environment going to become down the road?

Words do matter folks.
Choose them wisely.
Words can hurt.
Words should be used to uplift, to direct and encourage, and to cause folks to think deeply.
Words can provide you an avenue on how to live your life by showcasing your dreams or just how you want to live your life...
I have chosen words in the past centered on how I choose to live my life...I have thought about these and find great importance in these words and it is my hope that when I die, these words/phrases would come to folks' mind when they describe me:

Responsible

Approachable

Capable

Passionate about life

Constantly searching for Connection  & Meaning

Promoter of Love for ALL

Cheerleader for the Arts

Flawed but kind

THOUGHTFUL

Nurturing

It is my hope that we figure this all out before true damage is done upon the world in which we live...but all points to all of this being for naught and all too late. I sincerely hope not and hope we can rectify the damage that has been done when this is all over...

The world will tell you how to live, if you let it. 

DON'T let it. 

Take up your space.  

Once you have found your voice, raise it up!

Find your own words and stand up for what you truly believe in.

Sing your song from the top of your lungs.

Make your voice count.

What I have learned thus far...

The firsts in the first year after a death SUCK.

Mother's Day was one of the hardest. It just gut punches you to see that card section. I avoided it at all costs.
Heck who am I kidding?? Every holiday without you is difficult to navigate.

Grief is impossible at times to journey through. What I have learned is that you have to roll with the punches. You sit down, no matter where you are...take a deep breath, let those tears fall, and once they subside... you pick yourself off the ground, dust yourself off, and move forward.
Honor those moments.
Don't deny it...its okay.
It is part of the process.

The missing and longing does not subside...just one more day together...just one more laugh...just one more...ANYTHING

The new normal will eventually come. I know this...But it will forever be different. You must honor the difference in the moment and create your new...trying not  to get overwhelmed, if at all possible, by the stark difference that is there

A friend of mine sent this and I love what it encapsulates:

I am a different person since you departed our presence.

I am struggling with this whole adulting thing and am missing the guidance you provided me, the opportunity to bounce ideas off of you and know that your feedback was always strong and important.

I am struggling with having to be brave and all of this, at times on my own. It feels solitary at times and is different. Many folks have reached out and I am grateful for their love and support...but in the dark of the night...when I wake up in the middle of the night...I sometimes still feel my hand on your shoulder and my hand on yours while you lay there...and it is jarring to me...

Life is filled with uncertainty at times and I am finding that I am having to trust my instincts so much more without you.

I am finding myself reaching out more...to be closer to many family members i have neglected in my past. Life was always this or always that...can't do this...can't do that because i have to do this...And besides You were always good at being my information line on what was going on in the family, both near and far.

My birthday and our anniversary was not the same. There was no early morning phone call singing me HAPPY BIRTHDAY off key. There was only silence and apologies for all you would do for all of us at almost every holiday or life moment. You were so good at keeping up with all of the card sending. I can never emulate all of that with everything else I juggle in my life. I will try to do my very best, but it will always pale.

We struggle to pick up the pieces...we feel the hole...feel the empty space your departure left us with...i have never experienced it quite this way... even with my four grandparents deaths. This one strikes so much deeper and is taking me to a place I was not prepared to have to navigate.

I am sad for all of the things you have missed going on in our lives so far. How cancer robbed this for all of us...and for that I still get angry. But I feel that anger subsiding thankfully.

I appreciate the example you set for all of us and I know that this is something I CAN EMULATE. Try to be as positive an influence for those around me. When the going gets tough...
Stay the course.
Keep the Faith.
Stay Positive.

I am so very close to finishing my checklist of everything I need to do for you...your burial will be the final check-off I think...I know you will be very pleased.
I will honor you in Medora. On our special butte.
We will honor you in Minnesota and celebrate your birthday and celebrate YOU...
Your life.
The impact you made on each of us.
The love you gave us all so freely.
With deep love and reverence.
We will reminisce.We will laugh. I am sure we will cry.
But it will be okay.

I hope you are looking down on it all and smiling....I pray that we have made you proud and that you can feel what an honor it has been to be your son, your friend and my confidante. I miss that the most.

A little piece of truth

And wasted your breath on.
It is so much better to listen...
Reconnect with your inner spirit and inner flow.
And it is important to jut STOP.
Figure out time to stop and regroup.

You don't always have to have something to say. How many times in my life did I feel like I had to be the life of the party with the struggle to say something witty, or profound, or trend setting. How much nonsense this all seems right now these days...And the older I get, the more I find the value of silence. It is okay to just sit in silence and regroup and recollect and the older I get and the stronger I get in my own skin...it becomes a matter of energy...truly wasting energy on things that are not yours to truly worry about.

So many times in our lives we struggle with others around us. Struggle with their choices. Struggle with why they did this or why they said that or what the hell were you thinking? We gossip. We gloat. We say that they are making the wrong choice. But as you grow older, you hopefully come to realize the nonsense of these thoughts because at the true core of this entire issue..."Not your band of monkeys, friend."

It is not your place to butt in.
It is not your road trip to take....
It is  THEIRS.
It is their life to pursue.

You can offer your thoughts but be prepared for the response...esescially if they did not ask for it...
And think about all the ENERGY it takes to live your life and EVERY one elses?
Work on silencing your mind and heart and find true happiness friend.
Work on energy preservation and it will be a kinder path...

Carry on my fellow sojourners...
You got this....