5 things I have done that I never thought I could do

Ahhhhh the sharing time...

5 things...
hmm

The very first one would definitely be running for Mr Max. It was so far out of my comfort zone running for a bar title and figuring out how to navigate through it all while being true to myself. The biggest issue with running for this contest was the underwear portion of the evening's competition...I am so body self-conscious that I knew that this was going to be uncomfortable. But I had looked at all the theater seasons around the Omaha area, there was nothing on them that appealed to me, I had had such an awesome time with the cabaret shows I was a part of that I decided to give it a shot. And I WON and became Mr Max 13!!! And what a crazy year ahead it was!!! Emceeing lots of fundraising shows, performing live many weekends of the year, serving the gay community, creating shows for charitable groups I believed in. And there were many things that I look back on and think, WOW. I did that!!! Drag queen jello wrestling. Turnabout shows where the guys become their drag counterparts and vice versa raising money for a charitable cause. Created a Country Western Show where a group of my friends agreed to create a clogging number on the bar in the show hall with all the runner lights behind us...Coyote Ugly STYLE...it was AWESOME!!! Also riding in parades and representing the Max. The brotherhood I have experienced and felt from the rest of the brotherhood since that day has been so amazing. Was a wonderful experience and am so thankful that I did it.

Second would have to be finding the courage to come out. The LGBTQ community have such an uphill climb in regards to this. It is such a struggle, keeping this secret, and wondering who will accept you and who will not.I have been blessed to have been loved and supported by so many throughout this process of coming out. And I would say I was very lucky. But it doesn't lessen the butterflies and angst I feel whenever I have to tell my story to a loved one or a friend who does not know...or even with my students at the beginning of the school year. It was always cautiously and with trepidation at times...But you know what, I have gotten to a point in my life where I feel it is very IMPORTANT and MEANINGFUL and POWERFUL to find your own truth and to be willing to share it with others. I quickly adopted the mindset that if they had a problem with it, that was and is their problem...not mine.... OPEN and HONEST all the way.

It was not an easy road to get to this point and it is worse for others, especially for those living in secret in the Bible belt. Throw God and beliefs into the mix and it is a toxic cocktail. But my road was a fairly smooth trek in comparison to others...with a few bumps and surprises along the way. My mom was the struggle, shockingly. She and I were so close and I know that she had strong hopes and dreams for me that just were not going to be..or it was going to be on a different level...with me at the helm navigating my way through it all. And I was thankful for it.

Third would be finding the courage to move to New York City and pursue a dream and a goal. After living in smaller communities all my life...the choice to pursue a degree from the Actors Studio School of Drama was a huge leap. Granted it did not go as planned and turned very quickly into a "world event" with 9/11...i struggled with disappointment at those moments but never once have I regretted that decision to move and try. The friends I made and continue to communicate with is phenomenal. To watch them grow and learn and succeed is worth it all. I would do it all over again.

Fourth would definitely have to be not shying away from difficult roles in my acting career. Each role brings its challenges and hurdles. Each role brings an attempt to honestly portray a different person with different values, struggles, joys, loves, fails, and issues. What a cool opportunity to tackle someone different than myself and attempt to figure why they do the things thry do and what makes them tick. Prior Walter, from Angels in America, was one of THOSE roles. Suffering from Aids and on the early stages of dementia. Hearing voices. Struggling to not be alone when the end approaches. Trying to remain cool, calm, and collected as your world starts to crumble around you. Something we all experience at times. Prior approaches it all with fear, with passion, and with questions. I learned so much about myself from Prior on how to live life...with a silk kimono and a fiery wit and passion.

Last would definitely have to be...navigating through thus thing called life. This was a VERY difficult topic for me as there were so many things to choose from...but I think that that says my life is well LIVED. I do hesitate quite a bit and can be quite the stickler and old fashioned stick in the mud...i come by it honestly...but on a daily basis I try to remind myself to LIVE. To quote Auntie Name, "Life is a banquet...and most sons of bitches are starving themselves."
WHY?
There is so much to do and to experience and to share with others.
Live it FULLY,  friends!

A struggle with the idea of masculinity...

AH more about masculinity...

What does it mean to be a man?

I have struggled with this topic for years and years and to be honest I still do.

It is so true that men these days are under a microscope.

For their actions towards women.

Their actions towards other men.

And they completely should be.

Some men just don't get it.

They think they can get away with treating women, and gay men, with a sense of disdain. Or treat women as potential conquests.

Whether there is no or not.

And these men try to showcase bravada and swagger and are taught from an early age that this is what you have to be to be considered a man...

STRENGTH ALWAYS.

BE THE PROVIDER.

BE THE CAVEMAN.

BE THE MONEY MAKER.

TAKE WHAT YOU WANT.

But nowadays...

Things are thankfully changing and men are being held accountable for their actions.

My hope is that we will see a huge shift fom our younger generations in how they treat their fellow human beings.

But these men give others a BAD NAME!!!

I think it is time for focus to be placed on redefining what the definition of masculinity truly is.

I think it is okay for men to show emotion.

I think it is okay to let down your guard.

I think it is okay to let women take the reigns and lead.

I think it is important to be honest.

Be a Listener and be open to others.

Be Present and Show your sensitive side.

And to think before you act.

"Empathy is hardest for those in power"

Just look at how male members of Congress have treated women this past year.

Unbending.

Not open to their thought processes.

RUDE and DISMISSIVE to what their fellow Congresswomen have to say.

Shutting them down.

Not letting them speak and have a say.

Not inviting or allowing them to the table to make decisions that relate to their own gender

And it goes on and on.

And it will come back to bite them.

I predict an explosion of women running and succeeding for entrance into Congress not only this fall but in the years ahead.

A shift is coming.

And I could not be more happy to see it evolve.

I welcome it.

Lessons will be learned.

They need to be learned quickly.

Truthfully...

I think it is time to figure out what exactly is our "BEST SELF"

Learn to be honest.

Learn to be a listener to what others have to say.

And break down these walls of what it means to be

Masculine.

Feminine.

Why not just think of each of us as human.

With all a place at the table.

With all of us having an important thing to say.

And for all of us to listen,

Would our world be so much more different this way?

one can always dream...

Body issues

HOLY BUCKETS!!!!

This one is one I should have years of therapy on! Now there's an idea...

There are various ideas and topics and situations that they speak about that rang true for me.

I have never been very comfortable in my own skin. 

From a very early age, I was always self-conscious about by body...too skinny, too tall, gawky, not this...not that...

One memory was when I was in Boy Scouts, we were finished with what we were working on badge-wise and it was suggested that we pass the time by playing basketball. 

I am not an athlete, nor was I ever an athletic kind of kid. 

My dad was with the other fathers and it was suggested that we play it shirts vs. skins and I just melted down. I was not comfortable without my shirt on. 

Never have been.

And sure enough, I was on the skins team. 

MELT.

DOWN.

And all Dad did was pretty much got so angry with me and made me feel so small and say I was being ridiculous and made me take my shirt off.

I was mortified.

 I was skin and bones.

 I was so embarrassed in front of my fellow Scouts which just gave them fodder for more ridicule later on.

And that moment has been with me even to this day.

Yes, body issues plague us all and apply to all of us...not just women.

It begs the question:

How desirable could I possibly be and how do I navigate through this even though I am much older, yet still struggle with this.

It truly is a hit or miss kind of thing for me.

I am not an athlete.

I am not a male model.

I am not a BODY builder.

Yet we, as men, are held to those standards and self-impose these things on our hearts and place expectations on others in this society.

I struggle to find where I fit in in regards to this idea of "Man". 

What does it mean to be masculine? Why does  "being a man" immediately go towards strength, non-emotional, and powerful.

And then you throw in the whole coming out process and that just throws even more of a wrench into self-image and esteem.

I think we all need to figure out a way to broaden what the definition of "Manliness" actually is.

And I do agree that media and society dictates what the ideal body image is and what we all should strive for.

But it is not realistic for everyone.

I think we should all strive to redefine this.

For each of us.

Be a presence.

Be a strong shoulder.

Be comfortable with being different.

"Strength comes from honesty and listening."

I am a work in progress.

The very best advice received...

We all have moments in our lives where we just feel great gratitude for all we have been given...
Advice that we have been given where a light bulb goes off and something clicks. Never to feel the same...

Create your own destiny.
Be thoughtful.
Be open to other's differences. (How important is this nowadays, am I right?)
Trust your instincts. Trust your gut.
If someone shows you who they truly are, trust that.
Be yourself because all the others are already taken.

And how profound are those?

I am so grateful to a whole gaggle of teachers and mentors along the way who have given me so many nuggets of knowledge and thoughtful information that I can in turn share with others. I am so grateful for all the advice so many have freely given to me.
I always felt nurtured, supported, and for that I will always be thankful.
So grateful.
So blessed.

Finding my purpose...

Our purpose changes and molds and morphs depending on where we are in our lives.
Our life's purpose changes depending on personal or professional choices.
It is important in those contemplative times to dig deep and learn to navigate your way through this to discover why and what you believe.

And what struck me was that there are folks, with wide age ranges, that still do not know what their purpose is. And I would agree with that at times...sometimes it is hard to figure that all out. Life is so overwhelming at times that it is easy to forget. to lose sight of what your focus should be on, your life goals and purpose should be.

I KNOW my life is meant to be LIVED FULLY and DEEPLY.
I think I am meant to be here to listen, to breathe, to nurture young people, to inspire others to find their better selves and to help them discover what their passion/ direction in life is.
I also think I am here to encourage everyone I meet to be our better selves, whatever that may be.
Being present to help others with their journey...help young people navigate their way through the crazy LIFE roller coaster, to inspire them to live this life to its absolute fullest potential and to face it all with great empathy.
Remind them that no one really knows what the other is dealing with at that very moment. To share their gifts and talents with other and make this world a better place for all.

I love the idea of living this life as best as we all possibly can.
With purpose.
With importance.
With eye opening focus and strength.
Living it FULLY AND DEEPLY and helping others along the way.

The most important lesson I have learned.

It is important to reflect back on your life at times and remind yourself of all the wonderful lessons this life has taught you.
The people who have crossed your path.
The mentors you have sat with, drank coffee with, and shared your life with.
Think about the important life lessons we have all learned...
What I love about this video series is that it comes from ALL age ranges...
We learn different lessons at different ages...and all of it is important...

Here are a few I loved...

Even if it hurts, you have to be honest.

No one is thinking about you as much as you think they are.

Not to get so overwhelmed. Not to stress.

It is very unhealthy to hang on to things that are bothering you.

Forgiveness is the most important thing you can do. No matter what they have done, FORGIVE, so that you don't hold onto that regret or hatred.

Accept everyone, where they are, for who they are. Starting with yourself.

Don't hate yourself.

If you are not learning, you are dying.

Listen to your heart. Put it into everything you do.

Invest in yourself.

You gotta be who you are...love yourself so you can love others.

Be present.

Living in the now.

What are the important life lessons you have learned in your life?

I have tended to put a lot of mine on this very blog, sharing them with each of you.

Every once in awhile, I think it is important to regroup and reconnect with these lessons you have learned or wished you had learned sooner. A proverbial, "If I could tell my younger self" type of thought process.

If I knew then, what I know now...

But then it would not be living and learning would it?

I look back on all I have experienced in my life, the friends I have made along this journey, the wonderful adventures, the heartaches, the painful conclusions, the exciting celebrations of all things good and true and I just think, WOW. I would not change ONE thing about that journey. I am where I am today for a particular reason. And I must share what I have learned with my kiddos. My friends. My family. 

And I am so grateful for this journey.

So incredibly blessed to be here.

At this Moment.

And able to share it with all of you.

Perceptions...

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I am always trying to teach my kiddos about perceptions and how we have little to no control over how people first perceive us. ZERO ability to control that...first impressions are always important.
It is that zero control that we always have to be cognizant of...

I think some people perceive me as always happy and energetic. Truth is we all have our moments where we just can't do it. We just have to stop and out down the show curtain. We are not always going to be at our very best. We are not always going to be happy and we really don't know what the other is struggling with.

I do, however, always TRY to put my best foot forward.

I think some people think I am extremely approachable and friendly. That definitely is the vibe I put out there. Here's the dealio however...if I am in a large group and you are the only one with me, I will stick to you like glue. I am extremely uncomfortable in large group situations where I do not know any one and at times making small talk is just so painful for me.

Believe me, I know when I need to turn on the energy and charisma and be "ON" but sometimes that can be perceived as fake or too over the top or too much. It is those quiet moments when I am uncomfortable, or awkward, or in a situation that I am not the most adept at navigating through where I am immediately perceived as (excuse my French) a bitch and stuck up.

This may shock some folks, but when I do not know you, I am not the type of person who will go up and introduce myself and start light conversation. It is kinda painful to me...so very uncomfortable.

I am horrible with remembering names. I can ALWAYS remember a face...but to introduce someone to another...YIKES...Justin zings me all the time on this one!!!

Sometimes it is difficult for me to make eye contact. Especially with men. I do not perceive myself as strong and masculine and am not aggressive in the least.
I am not the cocky type.
I am not the sporty type.
And I struggle to work on this, be thoughtful about this, and know that it is an area I need to be better at.

And I know we ALL have various insecurities.
When the woman said, "How to we learn to balance learning what people tell us to become better people and staying true to who we really are?" My MIND was BLOWN!!!

Yes there are times when we allow other's perceptions of us lead the way, overtake us and drive us. We cannot do this. We have to figure out what we are about and put THAT out there. I think it is important this idea of consistently doing a personal check-in and figuring out how to become constantly better. I love this. I think this is so valuable.

"A conscious way to live and a beautiful way to grow"

I wrote.
And Wrote.
And Wrote...
When I could not say it out loud myself...have the backbone to say it out loud.

And all I can think of is YES.

I will continue to write. And tell me story. And strive to be better.