Try less hard.

Struggling to find your creativity?
I have been listening to my favorite podcasts and reading good books.
There is a common thread statement in regards to creativity that I think is very important to remember.
One of my favorite all-time comedians, Eddie Izzard, once said, "There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place, than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity."
And this has really blown my thought on my life journey. My entire upbringing was led by strong, vibrant examples of showing that hard work really pays off. My mom and dad. My grandparents. My strong examples growing up and teaching me that you have to work hard to get what you want out of life. You have to fight for everything to make it in this world. And I worked hard to get those A's on my report card...and there was money attached to each of those A' as a bonus form my grandparents. I worked hard to build my resume so that I could feel justified as a theater director and actor and to justify my career in the arts for my family. That I was indeed talented, and creative, and could make a living doing what I loved. And you know what I got out of this?
Stellar success and accolades and admiration and zero true happiness inside. Just more work and drive and more stress and more headaches. I was miserable. I was not able to relish in my accomplishments, because I was on to the next hurdle. I was longing for true love. Where was my Prince Charming...yet oblivious to the fact that my schedule was so cram packed that I couldn't even find the glass slipper much less try it on to see if it fit.
But my friends, what if there was another thought process that works also?
As I research different topics for this blog, as well as for a fall conference I am hosting this fall in Little Rock for all of Arkansas' speech, theater, dance, Forensics, and Debate instructors, I am finding such interesting concepts that I just need to admit...I wanna try out and see if they works...

From the website, Positively Perfect, the reader is encouraged to try to just let everything go and see what comes back to you. What if, instead of pushing and pulling and struggling and grinding our way through this racetrack of life, we just plain decided to let it go and were willing to allow life to just happen, surrendering our freak control aspects of our life and just let a bigger thing control...A Let Go, Let God type of mentality. What would happen?

I can tell you what my brain is actually doing right now just typing this statement...it is saying WTF??????
"You have been a control freak for most of your life and tried to chart your own course for so long, how in the heck are you gonna navigate through this?" I come at this naturally and am not going to say any more or name names, for fear of egg on my face.

Often times, I have read, if you are willing to give up the reins, the universe does take over and leads you into new directions. I have also found that this is not a complete handover. Articles have said that you are not to be ambivalent and just allow whatever comes your way. It is important to find the happy medium, I think. It is definitely okay to have goals and dreams and hopes for what you want to achieve in this world. You just have to find the happy medium. Positively Perfect states, "The trick is that we need to find the balance between effort and ease."

Dr. Bethany Butzer, in her article Stop Trying So Hard" states, " I push and push and push and feel like a fish going upstream and I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. The trick is that I have become accustomed to catching myself. It is time to switch gears, go with the current, and go downstream... and it is during those times that I turn to yoga, meditation, or getting outside into nature, one day at a time that I'm learning how to surrender my life to a power greater than myself and trust that I will always be guided in the right direction."

She continues, "This next week, I encourage you to let go of the wheel and experiment with divine cruise control."

Many times, the sheer grip of our control buttons and grip of our life's steering wheel is the exact problem, friends. You gotta let go of the tension and loosen your grip on things and know that you will not be let down. Many times, trying to force your car in the "RIGHT" direction gets in the way. Perhaps it gets in the way of what is best for us? Perhaps it gets in the way of a better outcome that we didn't even know was there? Perhaps it steers us in a different direction that was there all along but we were blinded to seeing because of our tunnel vision?

Friends, there are forces greater than what we can ever imagine there to support us and lift us up or turn our heads and say...Perhaps you should try this way?

And that is okay.
That is letting go and letting God, or whatever spiritual presence you believe in.

And you know what, I am gonna give this a try and get back to you.
I think this is amazing...

The other prayer...

A day of gratitude

and gentle reminders...

Thankful for reminders that I could use every once in awhile...

How many times do I beat myself up for trying to always reach perfection?

Achieving those preconceived notions of what I think others expect of me...

See the trouble with the above statement...

PRECONCEIVED and not realistic.

WHAT I THINK OTHER EXPECT OF ME...

Not realistic either.

Take a moment.

Breathe.

DEEP breaths.

Count to ten and remind yourself...

You are here.

For refocusing, for working towards a better you.

A better human being.

Once you are okay and comfortable  in your own skin is only when you can be there for those around you who need you.

Working towards a better, fuller you.

Perhaps there is something in the idea of finding the COURAGE to FORGIVE myself.

Courage to acknowledge the SHAME I feel at times...

In myself.

In my heart.

My body.

In my spirit.

Brought on by religious upbringing.

Brought on by family.

Brought on by friends.

Brought on by society.

How do you deal with heavy shame?

Navigation sometimes is extremely difficult.

I am continuing moments of great growth inside.

I am trying to navigate through this all...

With grace.

With softness.

But also honor.

And breath.

This prayer will be my mantra.

That's life, folks!!!!!!

I am reflective on this day...

Always tend to be as I get closer to my birthday.

I found this photo on a Facebook page of a friend and the bells and whistles just kept going off.

Isn't this true?

It covers the full gamut of life and all its messiness, it's beauty, it's grandeur, it's awful dark nature.

But, as it says, you have to keep going...reading every line, filling each moment as fully as possible. 

I firmly believe, as I reflect on my soon to be 47th birthday, that everything was placed there for a divine reason. Every hurdle. Every accomplishment. Every smile. Every heartbreak.

Building us both within and outside of ourselves for a bigger purpose.

And we have to honor that.

I have found stronger patience in my 47 years.

I find that I breathe differently.

I find that I approach things so differently these days than I did in my 20's.

You know, if I was given an opportunity to speak to my 20 year old self, I would say...

Keep on the course you are going.

Keep the fast pace.

Be kinder to yourself on life and love.

Because you are going to reach the tender age of 47 and think...

WOAH

 that was fast...

but oh so glorious!

And in the words of the immortal

AEROSMITH

"I don't wanna miss a thing!"

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Friends...
Mark Manson is my spirit animal...He wrote this amazingly empowering book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK." And it is everything...he covers so many life lessons to be learned...but beware...the language is not for the faint of heart...but perhaps that's the point he is trying to make?
The ability to say what needs to be said, without filter, and drive it home.
I wish I could be more like him but I was raised with a filter under the guise of "MORALS" or upbringing... Perhaps it was under the rose colored glasses of Christianity. Perhaps it is my passive aggressiveness...
Perhaps it is something else...not sure. Too many reasons...

Yet I look at my life and all I see is this damn filter.
What if we could live life without a filter?

I am constantly trying to remind myself of everything I tell my kiddos to do...
Don't live your life in a shoulda, coulda, woulda situation. Don't live your life reserved and inside the parameters of what someone else expects of you.
Splash some color on it and get out there and don't give a flippin' care about what others think.
Living MY life as I dream...
Live life to its fullest potential.

And yet...

The older I get, the more I find solace in the same schedule.
The same comfort food.
The same music.
The same.
The same.
The SAME.
And there is great solace in that. It gets harder and harder to step outside that comfort zone and I quickly become hypocritical on so many levels.
And I have to remind myself...
NO.

Live the good life.
Fight the good fight.
And take the bumps and bruises with a grain of salt and look for the reasons to grow.
Growth is hard.
Growth is scary.
Growth is what we HAVE TO DO in order to remain creative, remain true, remain breathless.
Find the positive in every negative situation, because it is always there
Feel the goosebumps.
Do the things that take your breath away
And live the life you are destined to live.
With every challenge.
With every crazy situation.
And with great amounts of color on that canvas!

A thought to grow from...

As I was driving to school this morning, the song "Love Wins" came on by Carrie Underwood and it just got me to thinking...

This world is so scary right now.
Hatred is allowed (and supported) to thrive.

Guns are being used to kill our children in our nation's schools. Never have I ever been able to get used to having to facilitate fire drills, tornado drills, and "active shooter" drills...My how things have changed... The spike in gun shootings in America's schools has escalated and most people "Sending love and prayers" rather than doing something about it. And folks are NOT LISTENING. What horrifies me is that students had to live through heinous acts in their own safe zone classrooms, trying to speak up and begin the conversation on how to end the bloodshed and then are labeled "Heathens." "Activist" "Immature" rather than HEROIC and MOTIVATED and MATURE and heralded.

White supremacists and hate groups grow and grow and grow with no sign of ending. And it seems that our Presidential administration has given them justification for their voice. His election rallies set the tone 3 years ago and I dread the upcoming circus we are most certain to have.

Folks...
It is time.

Underwood's lyrics correctly state" How the hell it's ever come to this?"

It is time to emulate LOVE and RESPECT and UNDERSTANDING.

And truth comes through...we are not going to be able to do this all by ourselves. We have to figure out how to speak our minds, but also to listen. Every point is important but we also have to understand that we can't continue like this and expect survival. As her lyrics continued, " Sometimes it takes a lot of faith to keep believing there will come a day when the tears and sadness, the pain and hate, this struggle, this madness, will fade away."

Just keep loving folks.
Loving each other.
Give someone you pass on the street or down the hall a smile today.
It's important.

I do firmly believe that Love Will Win in the end...
but we have such a long way to go sadly

Always looking for the approval of others? WHY?

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh friends!!!!

This is me to a TEE!!!

I have always been a people pleaser, almost to a fault.
I have spent years upon years upon years attempting to make my parents proud...
my grandparents proud...
friends proud...
And always knowing that I need to be there for others...
Who may or may not be there for me in return.
And forgetting the importance of finding a strong sense of self.

Here is what I am learning about myself...
People pleasers have an incredibly strong desire for approval and validation from others and very well may be totally insecure in their own various relationships.  Results? They tend to conform to decisions or aspects that they may not necessarily agree with. Most of all, people pleasers attempt to give out all the airplane oxygen masks before putting on their own first...nourishing others and depleting yourself at a major cost.

This description was totally me until the warning flags went off in my head. Perhaps it was age. Perhaps I still have more to learn about this and am still deep in the trenches of this aspect of my personality. This strong desire for approval still haunts me. I work so hard to make sure the job I am doing not only is to the quality I expect, but also that it will make those close to me proud, Those I respect and admire proud, or those in charge of the experience okay with the job I have done. And it is usually comes at a great cost to me personally and lessens the accomplishments.

Heads up...totally honest moment...I am in a transitional part of my life...I think it has alot to do with my age, my view of my life, and who I want to be versus where I saw myself years ago at this point in my life. I am realizing that fundamentally at my core, I have always had a strong insecure sense of self...I always have. I have never been fond of the bean pole frame I had when growing up. NEVER took my shirt off...in fact HATED it. I considered myself weaker to the other guys around me. Weaker and not very athletic. Hated all things sports. And just plain considered myself weak... to be honest...I have carried this with me all of my life...

One particular moment is emblazoned on my heart and memories. I was in Boy Scouts growing up and kinda liked it? I was in it for my father if I am going to be honest. Transferred out to join show choir and theater later on. SHOCKER. We were all over at a fellow scout's house and just completed the meeting and were outside playing. It was suggested that we play basketball. I melted down a bit as I did not want to play basketball. My dad was embarrassed, I think, and scolded me and forced me to play...it was then decided that we would be playing "shirts versus skins". The concept or possibility of me having to take my shirt off to play this game I did not want to play was too much and I melted down even farther. My dad was pissed!!! I did not want to be there. I was weaker than the other boys and definitely not as popular as they were...and skinnier than they were...perhaps learning that I was attracted to them as well and afraid of what all that entailed and in denial...and of course, throw in the hormones of growing up...along with dealing with my coming out process and all that entails...and it messed me up.

Why were the popular boys always more confident? Stronger? Beefier and agressive and at times crueler...More out of my league...And I was just gawky, awkward, artistic, creative, and just weaker in general as I was growing and growing and growing and not comfortable in who I was as a human being on this planet.

I have carried this with me for many years. It was too much and have never had enough belief in myself...my strength, my ability to navigate through life with this strength. It has always been a challenge.

The true challenge ahead of me is the deal with the feelings and emotions of my past, find a stronger sense of my self, and learn to be even better at setting up my own personal boundaries. Set expectations for myself, try not to pay much importance to other's expectations or perceived expectations (a big issue for me), and ignore judgement or perceived judgement. Chart my own course, set boundaries,  and give the importance of my time and effort and friendship to those I love.

I am working on myself and building myself up physically, thanks to my husband. I am working out and trying to feel better about my body and just about me in general. I force myself to get up every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 4:45 am and go work out with a personal trainer. It is the only way I can motivate myself to stay in it. I have had the gym memberships in the past purely out of self guilt and not always liking what I see in the mirror.  I still don't if I am going to be particularly honest with you. However, as RuPaul always says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" And I am jumping up and down over here in the corner screaming AMEN!!!!!!

Justin is in workout mode to build lots and lot of muscle...I am just trying to lose weight and grow to like who I see in the mirror every morning. I need to build my own strength in myself and my sense of self, not only for myself, but also for Justin. He pushes me, in all the best ways, to become a better version of myself and always has. I am forever grateful to him for it all.

This sounds selfish and perhaps it is on some levels...however I am also learning it is okay to say "no". I am learning that I have to make sure that my priorities are clear and consistent...I have trouble with this...I need to learn to be more assertive and speak my mind if I don't agree with something.

Always learning, friends...even with a pending 48th birthday...
Where did those years go?

A performance...and my life's mantra

I was asked to perform for a fundraiser event last weekend to raise money for a cause and theater I hold near and dear to my heart. The evening was created to raise money for their summer theater camp, their continuing adult theater class education, and for the ability to bring children into the theater during the school year, to see their current production, have a Q&A with the cast, and have lunch provided. They raised $17,000 for continuing education in the arts and I could not be more proud to have been asked to perform!

The evening was amazing and wonderful to be able to reconnect with a role from a show that meant the world to me and to so many others. It was so terrific to be able to spend time with folks who have become family and to share an evening with so much talent and passion for a craft we all partake in.

What moved me even more was the chance to revisit a song that has defined my life since I left the role. I had forgotten a little about the depth these lyrics truly have...a MANTRA for living your life, no matter what your sexuality, religion, life path, or truth.
You have ONE LIFE.
NO RETURN.
NO DEPOSIT.
SO it is time to open up your closet and get out there and accept who you are, who others are, and grow from there. Accept others for who they are and live life to your fullest potential!
It has rejuvenated my course. Enlivened my passion to work hard tearing down the walls of ignorance and show that LOVE and LIVING TRUTHFULLY is all that matters.