I am proud of you...

A friend of mine posted a couple of days ago a little something that has gotten my dander up...She states:

"I wish people would stop telling me they are "proud of me". I have always been great. The people I have surrounded myself have always seen the greatness that lives within me. I came to Chicago 8 years ago with two suitcases, 200.00 in my pocket and a dream. I've overcome obstacles, challenges, and have been resilient because I had no other choice. When you tell me you are proud of me, your saying you've achieved higher than a level I thought you would. You tell a dog your proud of them for picking up a bone, you tell a child your proud of them when they learn 4+4 = 8! Would you walk up to the president of the United States and say I'm proud of you? No. The president would lol at you like ... When was the last time you disarmed a missile?? Stop its so condescending. Half the time I think in my head, who is this person telling me THEY are proud of me and they sitting up on dry gulch everyday. Have a seat. When I look across the aisle at all my girls doing their things. I say: I celebrate you. I CELEBRATE all that you are, all that you will be, and all that that has made you what you are. That's all. I just am sick of people trying to put me in my place in spaces by saying "I'm proud of you". There are people who actually are genuine and to those people I thank you. But to the rest, I'm just getting started so next time you want to commend someone on their achievements I challenge you to start with "I celebrate you". ‪#‎thatsall‬"

I am disgusted with these comments. To say they rubbed me the wrong way is an understatement...

When I tell someone that I am proud of them, it means just that... I am PROUD OF YOU. I do not give these praises lightly nor is it given or said without heart or sincerity. Your words are offensive to me and the fact that you would compare yourself and your life journeys to the President is offensive as well. Of course I am not going to say, "I am proud of you" to the President because I have never nor will I ever share a performance stage with the President. I have never shared very emotional moments with someone like the President and darling, you are not the President.

What is condescending are your words. I don't have to say anything to you about your accomplishments. I don't have to reach out and say that I am so excited to see your life's adventures are grand and awesome and that I am proud to say that I knew you when. But I did reach out. I did share with you my great sense of pride in saying YOU ROCK!  It is NEVER a question of your abilities or achievement levels or putting someone in their place. It is saying I am in awe of you and grateful to have known you and am so happy you are doing amazing things in this world.

SO heads up, hubris is an awful thing and always comes with dike. Pride cometh before the fall...

I would say this...you are finding your voice getting stronger and stronger within our community whether you dreamed about this or not...and you best take compliments with a stronger sense of humility and humbleness.

Don't give me Oprah...take the compliments as they come and be happy they are coming.

 I, however, going forward will save mine for folks who appreciate these compliments and can handle them being given.

Absence of peace...

One of the things I am finding as the holiday season begins the creep up on us is this overwhelming feeling that something is off or is missing. I am feeling this more so than ever this year. I could go on for a lifetime to talk about the crap going on around the world...but this is of a more personal nature. I am feeling dissatisfied and just plain off, for some reason.

There have been many hurdles I have had to jump over and through over the last six months and if I am going to be truthful and honest with you all, there are some weighty things on my heart. I look back on 2015 and it appears to be a year of unrest and of shaking up my core.

This all sounds so gloom and doom and not all of it is truthfully. Heck, I married the man of my dreams in June and things continue to be wedded bliss. For that I am grateful...but a major event like that is not for trials and tribulations preparing for the big day...it was an entire year of prepping, and working, and dreaming, and hoping and crying and laughing. I learned much about who my family truly is, what it means to be truly humbled, and to truly feel the strong sense of love and light from the entire day. We just felt WRAPPED in all of the love and it is a day I know Justin and I will NEVER forget. But getting to that day was A LOT.

There was a great deal of undercurrent not many know that was occurring at the same time as all the wedding pace was being set. I have been reaching out and taking steps and trying to find my place in the world. I have been struggling with this for many years. I come from a STRONG-willed family who like to keep control of everything. When I was just out of grad school, my first acting contract did not go as it should have and was not as smooth as it should have been shall we say...my Grandpa and Grandma Higdem immediately jumped on the wagon of "You need to forget this whole acting thing and go into teaching and education. Its much more stable and honest and forthright." My father jumped on this bandwagon as well...But I had dreams and passions of learning the theater business...both from an actor's stand point as well as a directors. I felt the need to chart my own course and see what the arts had in store for me. I ended up in Omaha, working in retail and working in theater and never was able to find the 24/7 job in theater, where my heart was longing.

Many of you know my life. Know my path. Know my heart...but now you can see that once I steered away from retail and headed toward education, I felt like I found an intriguing niche if you will...but it was those ever present voices in the back of my head saying I SHOULD do this...that it was STABLE...that it was HONEST. All of these voices cause unrest and the idea of settling for this when I should maintain my course towards artistic fulfillment...HELL I even moved to NYC in 2001 to continue to follow the course I thought I was supposed to be on...

Truth be told, education, I have learned, is anything but HONEST at times and is just as politically driven if not more.  I completely understand that I live in a Utopian frame of mind and perhaps a little la la as well...but I have also learned that the routes so many districts now take, building monstrosities placing so much importance on the likes of sports and the ever glorious football, leaving the idea of academics and the arts to fend for themselves has left a awful taste in my mouth. I understand all of the important aspects sports brings to the student's lives, but it is NOT all about sports. You take one look at American society and how much we pay our athletes, the role models of our children, and many of them struggle to read a book or understand the importance of creative thought... Many of our college students cannot understand the writing of a strong thesis statement but can tell you who won this year's World Series and how they are going to be the next successful athlete. SERIOUSLY???
All of this has left me with distaste and a "What am I missing here? Should I have turned my back on pursuing my dream and ultimate goal?" and has left me longing for something different. Don't even get me started on classroom management and the attitude of students these days in America's classrooms. SAD. Just plain SAD.

I have kept my eye to the artistic grind stone and have applied for artistic directing positions across the country. I have had many opportunities some of which were very eye-opening and frustrating and exciting and jarring. All have been learning experiences along the way, have filled me with self-doubt, and have made me more and more dissatisfied with my current life course. There is an absence of peace in my life and in my heart...

But am I being realistic to pursue these dreams? These passions? Is it realistic for me to look to the proverbial quotes I share on this blog and hope and dream for a different outcome? I do hope so. Many say, but you are so good at teaching. The kids love you. Teaching is in your blood. To which I say yes to a point. I firmly admit that I do love working with my students. They are the drive to go to work every day.  But when years ago, someone in your family tells you this and ignores your dreams and passions pushing instead for the aspects of SAFETY and SECURITY, never having to step foot into a current classroom setting,  and tries to argue it out with you all because the very first moment of artistic work was not what you had dreamed...you can see why I am left with nothing but distaste and discontent.

I continue to remind myself that there is so much there under the current that I want to pursue, have pursued, and have been beaten down so far, but am also reminded of Theodore Roosevelt's quote I come to from time to time:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” 
― Theodore Roosevelt

Carry on, my fellow sojourners.
My love to you.

Even when you doubt...

I pray that this is truth...
Much on my heart these days...
Sometimes it is hard to see where the road leads and the winding path gets really overwhelming...
Yet we trudge on...
Climbing and climbing...

Flying