My 2016 holiday break...looking back

 Selfies with nieces. You can tell by one of their faces that they are not so sure about their Uncle Brandon...HA HA HA HA

Games with friends and sharing lots of laughter...Am thinking that this could be a runner for next year's Christmas card...ya think??



A jarring example that my nephew keeps getting more and more handsome and dapper...Love this boy!

A new car for my husband...with help in the test driving mode with Dad. That all-wheel drive will come in very handy when the winter weather gets funky up here in NW Arkansas.



Coffee, drinks, and lots of catch-up with sweet friends and compadres. A wish for more of that in the new year to come...






Such a thoughtful gift from my SWEET SWEET cousin, Sherri...Along with body pillow, Christmas blankets, Santa hats, and a stocking filled with goodies... 
SUPER COMFY!
SUPER AWESOME! 
SUPER GRATEFUL!!!

 Lots and lots of puppy cuddles...

 A real tree this year that continued to smell SO WONDERFUL well into the new year...a tradition that will have to continue for years to come...Mom would be so proud.

Emmy says, "Daddy, I think you have had a terrific holiday!"

I concur, sweet pup.

I concur.

Here's my thought about 2016...

My husband gave me many awesome gifts for Christmas this year.

One of them was a mug from one of my favorite movies.

And yet seems fitting as we begin to wind up this craptastic year...

Poetic.

And perfect.

And scene.

The annual Box-Higdem Christmas Card

Christmas Cards did not get sent out this year. SO consider this your update into the Box-Higdem year...our annual Christmas Card letter as many of you joke about...

As we look back.

2016 was not a good year for a lot of us.
There were so many folks who left us...some "too soon" and some we had not had enough time with. SO many vocal artists, so many film artists, so many folks that we were afraid to turn on the television to see who had died next...it was not the proverbial die in threes...but sixes and sevens...

We had THE MOST NEGATIVE political season we have EVER experienced in American history. And it looks like the negativity is going to continue through the next few years. I am not confident in our current situation but will not get into that on here. Too much drama comes from this and I am going to not surround myself with all of that drama...I have so many other issues to deal with rather than pulling myself into a political discussion shit storm.

Many of you know that I was not happy with the professional direction of my life. It was a negative cesspool and felt like I was just beating my head on a wall trying to build a program and was getting nothing but roadblocks and undermining and hypocrisy. It was time for a change. Change came in the form of a move to Northwest Arkansas and a move to a program that I had tried to emulate in regards to building the NLR Forensics  program. And I have not regretted the decision whatsoever. I am so blessed to be in a district that not only values the arts, but also sets a positive tone and believes in their educators on so many levels. We made the move in August and the fall semester started with hosting our very own Tiger's Eye speech tournament and taking the kiddos to 4 speech tournaments, including a trip to New Orleans for a different tournament experience...more national styled competition. Spring will be much more competitive...we are taking the squad to 6 tournaments, including a trip to Missouri, and if all goes well, beginning of summer will find us taking kiddos to Nationals in Alabama.

Justin was able to relocate to NW Arkansas thankfully through Best Buy. He continues to work towards his accounting degree...one step at a time. He continues to rock it out and actually received a wonderful opportunity towards the end of 2016. He had spent the summer sending job applications up here more focused towards accounting. He was met with so many shut doors. However about 5 weeks ago, he received an email from a company in Fayetteville he had originally interviewed with over the summer to re-interview and possibly fill one of their accounting positions. He got the JOB and began working with them and LOVES IT!!! It is wonderful to see him with a smile on his face when he talks about his job and working in a field that he actually is studying to be a part of...rather than hanging televisions in people's homes. So Blessed!!

Our puppies continue to bring smiles to our faces. They made the transition fairly well. Violet continues to bully Emmy and is slowly settling in and calming down and becoming more cuddly. Emmy continues to be her schnauzer self and be finicky.

We placed our house in Jacksonville, AR on sale in June. We did not sell it until December 14th!!!!! So it was quite the juggle...having to pay mortgage and rent on two residences for almost 5 1/2 months...so 2017 will be super in regards to finances and not having to juggle any longer. We may have thrown a new car in the mix to celebrate...being that we now live in an area that actually gets snow during the winter months depending on the year...wanted to have at least one vehicle that had AWD to prepare for the possibility of winter weather.

I got the chance to play a role of a life time. I was given the opportunity to play the role of ZAZA/ Albin in the Argenta Community Theater's production of La Cage Aux Folles, the musical version of The Birdcage. What an amazing opportunity and so much fun and so moving and a role I hope I can play again in the future. There are shows that I look back on and keep telling myself that I would revisit at ANY time. Neville Craven in The Secret Garden, Younger Brother in Ragtime, Prior Walter in Angels in America, and now ZAZA. Grateful for the opportunity...terribly moved by the entire experience...

And of course, everything pales and seems forgotten when I think about 2016 and the passing of my mother. She was my absolute BEST FRIEND and became the defining source of tone for my entire year. Losing her battle to cancer has been the source of numerous stories on this blog and will continue to be I am sure on here as I continue to process this major loss in my life. I am grateful for all of the outpouring of love and support from my husband, my family and my friends. I have never experienced something this profoundly overwhelming on all levels of my life and have said numerous times that this is the first time I have felt like I had to become an adult and deal with very adult issues and situations. Lord ADULTING sucks sometimes.

So there you go... 2016 can suck it as far as I am concerned...but so many life lessons learned and will be the defining format of 2017 I am sure. 

Much love to each of you!

Merry Christmas to each of you and may the New Year bring you much peace, much love, and much laughter...Lord Knows we need it!

I made it...

I made it...
The Christmas holiday is over and I made it through...

Christmas Eve Day and night were particularily rough...I tried very hard to hold it together but it was a discussion about whether I had gotten to the point where I can just talk to my mom when I began to crumble. Truth is I cannot. I am not at that point where I can do this...but am so thankful for all of the hugs from my husband and family that really held me up and made me feel so much better.

Many had suggested that Justin and I try to shake up the traditions and do something extremely different this year...I am going to be honest...I had doubts and kept thinking if maybe we should have done something like this rather than head to Little Rock to be with family, however, on this side of it, I am SOOOOOOO glad we went and spent time with our Little Rock family. I am so grateful for my family...so much love and support, so much strength.

To get a lengthy hug from my nephew was the world.
To see the excitement in my niece's eyes on Christmas Morning...how cool.
To watch the littlest niece walk her way through the kitchen and showcase her many facial expressions...crazy how much a year can make a difference... I had forgotten this...I had missed this...Remind myself that time heals everything...a year from now...I pray I will be stronger, lighter, and better.

To visit with my family and reconnect...priceless.

Many friends reached out to text me their love and support, knowing that it would be rough, knowing that I was in the thick of it and for that I am so grateful and overwhelmed. One beautiful sentiment came from a friend who texted, "Hope you are doing okay. Remember it does get different."

I love that phrase because it is the truth. I know that it will never be the same. I know that Christmases will always and forever be different without her to set the tone. But once I get the spring in my step back, once I can find myself able to take a FULL breath and not wonder if the tears will fall, I can decide what tone I want to set for the holidays and what I can do to make a difference in this world.

Small steps.
Regrouping.
Finding my stride again...

Absence of Christmas spirit...

Sorry I have not posted in quite a while.
I am working my way through this darkness.
Being the holiday season and all...I am filled with so many emotions...dreading the actual holiday, if I am going to be perfectly honest.

Thanksgiving was quiet...and perhaps the quietness is a negative right now.

Christmas is fast approaching and I can honestly say that I am forcing everything right now cause I know that I should, that I need to...

But it just doesn't FEEL like Christmas...no matter how much decor one puts up, or Bath and Body Works three wick candles you light, or packages you get sent out to be there on time for opening on Christmas Day...I just do not feel it this year.

I cannot watch some of the favorite Christmas movies this year because it reminds me of her and our life experiences. Love Actually feels different...the moment she is up in her bedroom and trying to regroup after not receiving a gift for Christmas...Mom and I lived that together...I became that strong shoulder through those moments with the husband we do not speak of...
I cannot watch "The Family Stone" because I am LIVING that movie story line this year...and just cannot.

I am so sorry friends, but the Christmas cards did not get done this year...the goofy pictures just never got taken...my heart is just not in it. It is doubtful that I will get to sending them out...or if they are, I apologize for the lack of a personal touch...no holiday letter...may just have to be a short heartfelt phrase or two...and send it with all our love...and leave it at that...

I need to reshift...
I need to refocus and just get through this holiday, no matter what I have to do to do it...
I am finding that I am having to redefine my life and who I am through all of the most recent experiences. I am finding myself at a point where I need to learn about how I am going to grow from this and what my next steps are as I am absolutely unsure of everything...unsteady, shaken, and unsure.

A friend recently posted an interesting article of important thoughts I really liked. My mother's death has been on the forefront of my mind and seems to be the definition of my day-to-day process so far. I wanted to pass along this article from CNN, dated December 20, 2016, entitled "What people talk about before dying."

Here is the link to read the entire article...
http://www.cnn.com/2016/12/20/health/what-people-talk-about-before-dying-kerry-egan/index.html

What I found so important from this article was her discussion of family and what that means being so close to death. I know only from what I experienced with my mother in that hospital room. She was already so close to leaving us that there was not a sense of conversation to be had...I know she knew I was there and could hear EVERY word I whispered into her ear...and I will always remember her last words to me on the speaker phone. " I love you, son."

I have never experienced death like that before. I have always been able to just attend the funeral. I have never had that raw emotional experience before and as rough as it all was, I would never trade those finals moments together for one iota.

Egan importantly states:
"We don't live our lives in our heads, in theologies or theories. We live our lives through our families: the families we are born into, the families we create, the families we make through the people we choose as friends. 
This is where we create our lives, this is where we find meaning, this is where our purpose becomes clear. 
Family is where we first experience love and where we first give it. It's probably the first place we've been hurt by someone we love, and hopefully the place where we learn that love and overcome even the most painful rejection. 
This crucible of love is where we start to ask those big spiritual questions and ultimately where they end."

 And I need to continually remind myself of this, over and over, because it brings me great comfort... It is this idea of  family, both blood and chosen, who help each other through the struggles. There for the nastiness of life, and there for the joys. It is important that we show up for each other. It is important that we rely on each other and love each other. That is what family is all about. Living our most beautiful lives to the absolute fullest and all of this is lived through the topic of our families.

"If God is love, and we believe that to be true, then we learn about God when we learn about love. The first, and usually the last, classroom of love is the family."

AGREED!!!

This is Us...

After yesterday's post...I feel there is a divine hand involved here somehow...

I was getting caught up yesterday on this wonderful NBC show currently playing called "This is Us."

And with everything that is going on in my life here recently, TV has become my escape and yet it hasn't been...
everything is cancer, Breast Cancer Awareness month,
everything here lately has been death,
has been commentary on politics,
on life...

This is Us had a powerful episode where they discuss life and death and our past and future so eloquently and I wanted to share some of it here...

It said: 

Life.

Life is full of color.

We each add our own color to the painting of life and it goes on and on forever.

We are all in the painting somewhere and everywhere regardless of where we are in life...our ancestors added the colors that they brought with them...they have children and they begin a different color and we just keep adding and adding and adding until we have added to the point where we all blend in...

My mom is not alive anymore...but yet she is still with us...

People that we love will die and not be around anymore...and yet they are still with us somehow...just in very different ways

Just because someone dies and are not around anymore doesn't mean that they are not in our life's painting...

I think the painting becomes a testimony to their lives and the lives before them and the lives before them.
 As well as our own lives. 

And that is powerful.

The painting is not about you or me
 its just us.

And this sloppy, random, splattery painting we call life that goes on and on
and shows no end is just us.

And I needed this today.

To remind me.

I am grateful for my life's painting.

I am grateful for the brushstrokes that are my parent's and grandparent's etchings on my life. 

I am grateful for my husband's impact and imprint on my canvas.

I am grateful to each of my friends for the impact they have made in my life.
I am grateful for everyone, both near and far, reaching out and support me and my family with their love and prayers and care and for just "showing up". I can never even begin to repay the kindness we have all felt.

So grateful.

So here is my goal so far...

To just  keep on painting

And yet...

I gotta consistently remind myself of this here lately. 

I am struggling here. 

I am struggling with everything and trying so hard to put on the best game face when I am out and about but it all feels so 

...

Quiet times are not so much...

Quiet times I am left to my thoughts, my memories, the smiles and the tears and the adventures we shared. And I am left with the memory of those final moments, holding her hand after she slipped away, so grateful I had those moments but so DAMN sad that it has gone this way.

I want so bad to watch our wedding video just to see her face and hear her voice one more time but I know that it will make me so damn sad and there you go...

I get hard on myself. 

I allow myself to sit there in the darkness of my mind.

I feel guilty because I know that she would never EVER want me to be sad but at this point and time she doesn't get to say that to me even from beyond because she is not here to do it.

Maybe at some point I can feel better about this whole thing.

Maybe it won't hurt so much.

I am sure it will. 

I went to my grandparents, godfather's, and uncle's grave sites. 

And the tears still flowed. But it was different.

And yet it doesn't feel perfect. For her. For her memory.

I am in the process of figuring my way through how to memorialize her in the perfect way. I am struggling with the possibility that we will not bury my mom any time soon...and to be perfectly honest...I am not sure that I want that either. Traditionally speaking, you go to the funeral and immediately go to the grave site and bury and move forward. You place a bronze plaque on top and have a place you can go to to memorialize and remember and cry and hold and feel their memory closer. Yet her memory is all round me and can feel her presence next to me even as I type this.

I am not sure of anything right now in regards to this whole thing...I have found very beautiful mementos that I can carry along with me. A beautiful small heart container and stand that matches her urn...a glass paperweight that looks like a swirl of stars with her ashes in it... a wonderful necklace of a tree that contains a small amount of her...and its all overwhelming. A tattoo of a prayer found in her writing in her prayer shawl

I can even see myself on that butte in the Badlands having to climb myself to the top of a butte and burying some of her ashes up there...but that is me superimposing my own burial wishes on her and I am not sure that that is right either. She loved Northern Minnesota too, but she also had so many life adventures and am having problems remembering where she loved... 

And yet, her urn sits on the table that my step-sister has arranged as a perfect memorial. Her beautiful portrait that was at the front of the memorial service, photos of our family, her dad, her brother, her prayer shawl...and it feels perfect for right now...as it should be

But I continue to remind myself to just keep breathing...Just keep paddling and treading water in hopes that these waves will pass...

Driving with the top down

I have continued on in my life. I haven't moved forward on many levels because of the fact that I have not had quiet time since returning back to Bentonville. I had a wonderful, rough, inspiring, personal struggling week with family up in Minnesota and  I am grateful for it all. The week was about beginning the process of going through Mom's belongings and figuring our way through all of the life stuff.

 After numerous discussions with both Steve, my husband, my Dad...I came to the point where I agreed with Steve about my Mom's car. I brought it back to Arkansas with me. I struggled with this decision and am not sure why. 

So here's the story behind the car. After my Mom divorced her second husband...one that we do not speak of...she relied on her close circle of friends to help her bounce back. My mom was a very STRONG business woman, strong Republican, strong faith and it always surprised me about this next aspect about my mom...but she was also intrigued by psychic activity...and became more in tune as she got older into the world. One of her girlfriends brought one of her friends, who happened to be psychic, into their circle of friends. My mom was very interested to see what she would have to say and had numerous readings done with her...about our relationship, my coming out process, and where she was going to be in the next five years. One of the things she told Mom was that she actually saw my Mom not being in Bismarck but actually moving away. She told my Mom that she saw her in a red convertible, with the top down, wind blowing through her hair, with a HUGE smile on her face, and rocking out to the tunes playing on her car radio. 

Jump ahead a few more years and Bobcat transferred Mom to Fargo to work in corporate office. She was a member of the Elks Club in Bismarck. They had a raffle fundraiser going on and she agreed to sell 10 tickets for them. She forgot that she had them to sell them until like a few days before and so she just decided to write them a check for all 10 tickets. And then forgot about it,

So I get this call from my Mom one afternoon and she asked if I was sitting down. "Yes", I responded. She told me the story and then told me SHE WON THE CAR!!!!!

She was like, " Brandon, do you remember what the psychic said???"

"Of COURSE!!!!" I responded, "Did it HAPPEN???" 

"Yup," was her reply!.

When asking her what the rocking tunes she played as she drove the car, top down, wind through her hair, out of Bismarck...and she replied Shania Twain. 

"Seriously??? Mom...Way to ROCK IT OUT!!!!" I joked and we laughed and laughed.

She was so proud of that car. It symbolized so much for her. It was a symbol of her independence..newly realized...it was something she had placed a photo of on her fridge as something that she wanted...very much the the ideas covered in the book "The Secret"...place what you want and hope for in front of you and you cannot help but achieve it. Goals set and achieved. 

She even placed a special license plate on this car.

Jump ahead. After going through the emotional roller coaster of death and struggling to make sure we honored her memory...one of the most beautiful moments of her service at the church was my cousin Sherri speaking on behalf of our entire family for Mom. One of the things she mentioned was the fact that on the way to the memorial service, she saw an eagle along the side of the road with its head bowed and that it seems so appropriate for my Mom and her memory. I would totally agree with that...my Mom was a very patriotic soul and believed in everything that this country stands for.

I came home to Minnesota and on the first time I got in her car, I could feel her everywhere. She was with me in the passenger's seat. That was a rough moment...just keep breathing...just keep breathing...I pulled out of the garage and steered the car towards the gravel road heading towards the highway...and this is no lie...an eagle flew out of the trees and followed me all the way down the road to the highway turnoff. With tears pouring down my face, I kept thinking...Yup this is appropriate somehow...I love you Momma and thank you...

I put the more appropriate rocking tunes on...a CD I created for my Mom but also with a little more beat and honoring her...

RUPAUL, GLEE, Barrett Baber, Medora, among many more.

And cried all the way back to Bentonville

That dream was scary...

I have never had a dream like that before in my life...
We were gathered around the Thanksgiving table and I remember we were at the house in MN. All of the kids were there and we were getting ready to bow our heads and say grace. I hear us saying grace and then I hear Steve say Mom's name and I just hunch over and let out the most guttural scream and wail I have ever given. I have never experienced something like that before in my life. I woke myself up from that wail and was so shaken that I could not get back to sleep.

I dread the holidays...the absence will be palpable...

Mom's toolbox...

One of my dear friends told me that there would be a strong feeling of loss and peace and sadness...and perhaps not a lot of anger at the passing of my mom....and I think what I am most sad about is the abyss that is now left with her departure. She was a HUGE part of my life and filled me with such blessed lessons and tools to move my way through this journey. She nurtured me. She supported me and now that has been ripped away...I say too quickly...

My cousin is one of my dearest confidantes in my life  and she told me on a long conversation the other day that my Mom left me her toolbox she used in her own life. She taught me how to use the tools she used and left them for me to use after she went on. I was struck by this profound statement. .

My mom really did give me the tools on which I will be successful in my life going forward. Her hammer of faith and strength. Her pliers of pride in a job well done. Her screwdriver of devotion and drive. Her sandpaper to buffer the hard edges and leave softness.

It was the perfect thing to say and I have been pondering this for quite some time. Those close to us really do leave us the tools for life's roller-coaster. Whether they intend to or not. Some do a better job than others. Some  use those tools as a hard knocks sort of mentality. I think we need to strive to make ourselves as well as the folks around us better human beings just by the example they lead.  And I have so MANY shining examples from which to follow.

I am in O'Hare airport heading back to Minnesota to begin the process of helping to go through her personal belongings. There are so many things she has already given me in this life that I will be forever grateful for. After a hectic and crazy couple of weeks back in school, hosting our speech tournament at school this weekend, a friend asked if I was ready to begin this process. I said that I have pushed myself so hard to ensure a smooth tournament run that I really wasn't sure. Are we ever fully equipped and prepared for something like this.

She went on to say that I would feel her everywhere and that it would be overwhelming. I will go with the flow and just keep breathing and trying to make her proud. It's all I can do. Live my life going forward with the tools she gave me and for those I will eternally be grateful.

Where I am today...

As I slowly settle into the harsh reality of absence, I know that these stages of grief are different for every one. I hear what folks say about it and am so grateful for every friend and family member who has reached out to say hello, to offer their condolences,  to listen to my processing, and to offer love and support in every form it has come in. Our family could not have made it this far without all of the love and support.l we have felt from each of you. We are so grateful and love each of you so much.

One of the biggest things I find that I am working my way through, on my end of the grief train, is that I am not experiencing anger at this point and time. It is a little jarring as I expected this part but  I think my Mom set the tone throughout this entire experience. This helps to buffer it a bit I think.  Her positive outlook, her " go get it " tone she set, the opportunities we had together to share our lives and our final months together...how she interacted with those around her, those moments of " I am going to fight this with every fiber of my being to the very end" will always stay with me.

Am I angry? Not really. She fought the courageous fight. She lived the full life. She led by the strongest example and she wouldn't want us to dwell in anger. There are other things that anger me that just plain strike me as odd... But they things and iasues that are out of my control and so it becomes a non-issue.

Am I sad? ABSOLUTELY. 100 PERCENT SAD. I am so sad that she will not be here to share any more of our life experiences together. I am sad that she is no longer here to be able to give each of us her special hugs. Those phone calls...

I do find myself able to make it through the day and then getting home and just feel utter exhaustion. Right now i am putting on my best smile, my best foot forward, my best I can muster and go from there. I know she would want me to do this...and I need to do this...to push forward... and I find I am better than where I was three weeks ago and I know that it will continue to move forward from here.

All I have to do is get through one week more here in AR then I will head back up north to help Steve go through her belongings. I know that this will also be rough. There will be many tears. There will be lots of memories flooding back. Just seeing the blue dress hanging in the closet...the one she wore at our wedding and the one from the picture at the memorial service brought tears to my eyes...just seeing it hanging there was rough...But family and friends share this with us. I know that this is all part of a awful process and a path I have never had to go down before.

My prayer is that Mom guides me through it all...

"Are we really here?"

The grief process is so cut throat and unbending and yet it is also very confusing and jarring and cloudy and turbulent. For many who know me, I find myself currently trying to label and analyze where exactly I am or should be on the grief roller-coaster. I am not sure what this grief journey should appear to be like. I am concerned that I am grieving correctly? The reads odd...but am kinda being honest...Do I feel when the the next phase of grief comes in...Am I doing everything I am supposed to be doing because I sure as hell don't want to come back to this once I have moved forward.

Thank God I have Justin, family, and friends reaching out to just keep me on course. There are times when I just sit there and feel completely cloudy and unfocused. There are moments where I feel so much better. I catch myself and Justin is able to be my rock. He is my voice of reason. It's in those questioning moments that he tells me it is okay. Stop psychoanalyzing what you THINK you should be doing or questioning where you should be and just continue to roll with it...Reminding myself to just keep breathing and then I laugh. There were moments back in April when I would be with Mom and I just had to calmly remind her to breathe. Getting her to focus on just breathing and getting her oxygen levels back up where they needed to be. And I calm. And I cry. And I smile. And it is okay.

I naively would think when I was little and experienced the death of my first grandparent and would think...this is horrible... I watched both of my parents go through this horrific experience and kept thinking about the inevitable and thought, "Surely this will not be on my radar until MUCH later. MUCH MUCH later. " Back in April, when we had the first scare down in Florida, Justin and I had a lengthy 16 hour drive down and I just kept thinking, "Are we really here? Is this really happening? How could life have flown by this quickly to this particular moment? Are we really here this quickly?"

Thankfully Mom rebounded and we were able to have some very important conversations about her wishes, her wants, her thoughts on what she wanted in regards to her Celebration Memorial. Those moments were so valuable and so life changing for me. It became about being brave and grown up and trying very hard to navigate my way through this very adult conversation because it was extremely important to me that her wishes be carried out...But that little phrase continued to chip away in the back of my mind...Are we really here at this moment?

The final weeks were very back and forth. I spoke more with Steve than I did with Mom. But I was always grateful when he would put me on speaker phone to just say GOOD Morning...or I love you...and she would always respond back with I love you too, Son. I can hear her voice right before going to bed...and I catch myself thinking once again "Are we really here at this moment? Am I really experiencing this? Where did that time go?"

The LONG DRIVE up to Fargo this phrase played over and over in my mind...
Would I be able to be brave enough when I finally saw her there in the hospital bed? Would she be able to hear me?  Feel my presence? When I finally got there and was able to get close to her, the phrase was screaming in my head...and I knew that I needed to tell force everything out of my head and just tell her everything that I felt was important in that very moment. She had hung on and waited for me to get there and it was important that she know that I loved her very much, that we had shared such a HUGE adventure together, and that she had folks waiting for her to usher over to her next adventure. I kept whispering to her, "Its okay to go, Momma. Its ok." And she slipped away...

And through the tears, I felt her slip away. I watched her breathing stop and I could not let go. I continued to stroke her hair. I continued to massage her shoulder. I continued to think ,"It's OK" as if her presence was still in the room. I stayed after everyone left and just held on to her arm and just kept thinking, "Holy shit, my greatest fears have all just come true. I have lost a parent and she is right here with me and these are the final moments." I just cried and cried and cried.

I am weeks out and am still thinking, " Did this all really happen?" I just have this overwhelming urge to pick up the phone and call her to tell her about my day. The usual daily event sharing. To hear her voice. To hear I love you, Son. And then I can go about my day.

And then the truth smacks me and I fell the phrase all over again...

Surely this will pass...
Or get better...
Or not but different...

I hope so. Cause this sucks...

Goodbye just seems so hard...

I do have to say that the first week back after going through all of the plans and preparations to celebrate my Mom's life has been rough. It is like a numbness and darkness that follows me. There were days that were far better than others. But I push my way through as I know that that is what she would expect and would want me to do.

I look back on her celebration with great pride. It was beautiful and perfect and she would have loved every minute, have been so proud and extremely grateful. It was signature Bonnie...with lots of photos, Santas, travel memorabilia, her favorite music, and Bible verses. The pastor's words rang so true through all of my tears. She ended each email with "Cheers" and his words strongly focused on her fight and her drive and her passion to be a positive influence on everyone she met. Even through her final fight with cancer, she wanted to be a strong source of inspiration. I will speak more and more as I begin the healing process...this has truthfully been the roughest thing/ pain I have ever had to endure. The schedule helps but does not alleviate the darkness and sadness.

I was not able to get up and speak at her memorial service but wanted to share with each of you the letter I wrote to share with her. It reads:

"Dear Mom,

As I sit here trying to pull my thoughts together and form the words I will say to you here at this very moment, I have nothing but unending gratitude in my heart. You have done nothing but love me from our very first day together. From that moment when my foot swept across your belly and shut your desk drawer for you at work, you knew that this would be a special, one-of-a-kind relationship. And it truly has been. What an adventure we have shared!!

I can honestly say that you are one of my very best friends and confidantes and my heart breaks to know that we are finally at the point where we have to part ways. So many years ago, I kept thinking how sad it was to see friends or family losing their parents and naively kept thinking, this surely won’t be us for quite some time. This surely won’t be a quick occurrence and yet here we are…and it flew by so quickly.

I am grateful to you for so many things…There are so many things I will carry with me always…

Always love with your whole heart. Love life. Love your fellow man. Show unconditional love and treat everyone you meet with respect.

Live life bravely. Mom, you are the shining example of this even to the very end. You fought so bravely, so fully and you did it with such positivity in your heart and on your face. You truly are a shining example to us all on how to fight and be courageous. You are my hero and I will never forget these final weeks.

You have loved me, supported me, believed in me even when I didn’t always believe in myself,  was a strong shoulder to lean on, been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and you lifted me up when I wasn’t feeling quite strong enough. Somehow you found the strength for me. You supported my dreams and you loved my friends and treated them as part of the family. You loved my husband and never once made us feel inferior, unloved, or unwanted. We are so grateful to you and Steve for making us feel so special, so loved, and so cared for.

And you always treated me with the same love and respect. You never once made me feel insignificant or immature or minimal. You lifted me up and taught me how to fly on my own… always just a phone call away to bounce ideas off of and that will have to change now and that’s what makes me so sad.

I will always remember our travels and adventures together.

And it truly has been an amazing journey, supporting each other through life’s hurdles. I will never forget the fact that we could tell each other absolutely anything.  You were always there guiding me through struggles, even though you may not have felt like it. I hope I can be half the father to my own kids that you were to me as my mother. Thank you for setting the bar so high and for being the shining example…

To coin your phrase, “I love you to the moon and back” and I always will. You will always be beautiful. I will always see you smiling at me with that twinkle in those blue eyes. You will always be the way you were at Justin’s and my wedding…vibrant, exuberant, and will never forget those hugs.

I will also remember our time atop those buttes in Medora so long ago…Looking out over the horizon…dreaming of the possibilities, looking ahead and the fact that we did that together, even though being afraid of heights. We did that together and that was our moment to realize our bond and dream of where we would go on from there.

Fly free, sweet Momma. 

I know you are free from pain. 

I know that you, Dougie, Donnie, and Grandpa are there together reconnecting. Give them all hugs from me.

You will always be in my heart. 

Thank you for waiting for me on our final night together.

 I will hold those final moments in my heart forever. 

I love you so much and will miss you terribly.

Your son~

Brandon"

Thoughtful moment...not so sure...

I share this as it has been on my mind here recently. For those of you out there who watch the Netflix series, "Grace and Frankie" season two had this very story line in there. It was a very powerful couple of episodes and it really hit me hard and got me thinking. I have struggled with this topic because I can see both sides to this issue. 

The basis of the above story is the woman struggled with a debilitating disease in which her doctors had told her the end was near. She decided to throw a party for 30 of her closest friends and family members, all of whom knew the final outcome of this final party together. After the party was over, the woman's doctor administered the death-giving drugs and she stopped the life journey.

On one side...In the end, it is assisted suicide, and I do think that killing oneself is kind of wrong at a core level...the church frowns upon this. The Bible strongly suggests a very different outcome. But we all know, as you are my readers, that I have struggled with the Bible's teachings for most of my life... So why should this subject be any different?

The other side goes more towards the idea of taking control of a situation you know will have the very same outcome. In the end, you are going to die and most times it is drawn out, very painful process at times, and a roller-coaster for you and those around you. 

I think the end can be very beautiful, peaceful, and a celebration. That is how I would want to go out and to be remembered by. 

I think the more I have thought about this topic over the years, the more I feel we cannot live each other's lives and cannot dictate the choices others make. It is their lives to lead and their lives to live as fully and beautifully as they can. We are here to support each other on our own ride and shouldn't tell each other how to live it.

Perhaps this is just one of my childhood upbringings rearing its ugly head and I should look deeper. Am I being stupidly conservative in my thought process to think that this is wrong on some levels? 

Love liberates!

Oh this is such a beautiful story.
I hope and pray that this is what we can all experience...that you can feel liberated by love.

Her story rings true.
Rings so true...

If you need permission to go, give it.

It is ok to give that permission to say I love you.
It is ok to say I love you even though we are different.
It is ok to say I love you for who you are as a person.
I love you with all my heart.
I love you even though you hurt me,
It is ok to say, go if now is the time. In those final moments here on this earth, it is okay to say I love you and go if you need to.

What a beautiful legacy this amazing woman left us all,,,
such powerful thoughts
.
Such powerful stories.
Such powerful words.
Such powerful love.

If you could tell step parents what you really think...

And cue the tears....
This is a very powerful video of a family who was once broken and now seems to have it all together and can have open, honest conversations because they are in it for common good of their child. Beautiful, important, and poignant.

I have observed my own parents over the years, struggle with each other, work to try and figure each other out even after the separation. I have also noticed a very beautiful thing...my step mom, Pam, always claims me as her own...even though I am her "son from another mother" and my Mom embraces that. They have always seemed to have a very good relationship when it came to me and were always cordial to each other. They consistently ask about how the other is and that is important. I am so grateful about this and am so lucky to have such strong women in my life who love and support me.

Now I know that it has not always been wine and roses all the time but I would like to think in the end it's important to remember that the step-parents are not there to replace but to add to...to make sure that the end goal always needs to be for the benefit of the child... not a tug-of-war.

I am always excited to hear that my folks do speak to each other and check in on each other off and on...moreso recently and I think that that is important and beneficial.  I am long past the child stage where touch bases are a daily occurrence but I do find great solace in the fact that my parents can talk to each other civilized and adult-like. It does my heart good...

It also does my heart well to see how much my step-parents really love and admire my own parents. It always brings tears to my eyes to witness how nurturing they are of the other. I  truly believe that where my folks were at the time of their divorce has really blossomed into the strongest relationships with others. It just did not work out for them, maybe because deep down, there were issues, there were problems, there were core structures that were just not ready...and it took more years of inner personal work, more years of figuring themselves out...what they wanted, what they needed, what they hoped for in order to find the true someone who could be their soul mate. I always tell my students you have to be good here (point to my heart) and good here (point to my head) in order to be able to let someone else into your world.

I think both of my folks did terrific and am blessed with two really cool families. I look back on my life, and I also tell my own students that I would NEVER change a thing in regards to my parent's divorce as I have the BEST family a guy could ask for with amazing nieces and nephews who would have never been in the picture if the divorce had never happened. I believe that with life struggle comes perspective and insight.

The video really showcases a family unit who really has it together and then the kindest moments ever, hence the tears, when the parents are writing a letter to their step counterpart is just beautiful and poetic and important as well. I know my step mom has done this many times with my own mother...

I am just plain blessed to have such strong, nurturing,  loving supportive parents to help me, teach me, to love me and to be there when I need them! I love that!

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for doing the best you possibly could. For being who you are and for loving me. For showing me your struggle. For loving us through the rough times and the good ones too. For always being there for me when I needed the support.

Thank you Pam and Steve for loving my folks, through the good and the bad and for holding me up when I need you the most. Thank you for serving as such strong examples of parents. I am so grateful to you both and blessed to have you in my life.

What's one thing I would tell my mom...

I think there were quite a few tears that flowed from watching this one.

There are so many things that I would (and do) tell my mom...we are just that way.

My mom is my hero.

She is a devoted wife, mom, friend and confidante.

She is driven, confident, and strong...both in will and in passion.

I can honestly say that my mom is my very best friend and has been there for me through thick and thin.

I truthfully would not be half the man I am today without her love and support and shoulder to lean on.

 Her guidance.

Her sacrifices never went by unnoticed.

Her struggle...she gets knocked down and just comes back fighting and I have learned that valuable lesson from her.

She is a goal setter and achieved the heights. She traveled the world and can look back on all of her adventures with great pride and is the prime example of a life WELL lived.

I love you, Mom. 

I know that times are tough right now and you struggle to get better and to allow others to take care of you and to be there for you.

It's ok. 

Now is the time to rest and recoup and rely on those around you to lift you up in prayer for healing and comfort.

Thank you for giving me the passion of living life to its fullest.

Thank you for believing in me even when I did not.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally and for opening my eyes to all the goodness around me.

Thank you for the struggle. Thank you for the sacrifices.

Know that you are forever loved and appreciated.

We are all blessed to know you, to love you, and to call you Mom, Wife, Friend, and confidante.

You have done good!!!

Being a rainbow in someone's cloud

SO POWERFUL!!!!

When she begins to sing, I am transformed back to the Medora nights, singing this very gospel number under the starry nights. God put a Rainbow in the clouds and I am at peace.

I have been spending my days talking with my students about inspiration and of those who have been inspirational to me. Talking about the idea of family and treating each other with respect and being a positive force in someone else's life. Being a team and being a positive influence in how you treat others.

I have had so many inspirational forces in my life who have guided me, have provided me guidance and joy and nurturing and laughter and hope. They were my rainbows in the darkest days and continue to be so even after they have been gone...whether by death or by distance.

Mrs. Simek...guided my passion of theater and helped to guide my leadership abilities. She was such a strong and sweet woman who loved me as her own and was always good for a twinkle in her eye and a smile on her face. What a terrific woman and am so blessed to have been in her second grade classroom.

P. Pendleton...she was such an amazing force and we only had one summer together in Medora. Yet it was her personality, her beautiful deep alto voice, and her strength as a woman that was profound to me. Even from the first introduction where she introduced herself, with the following, " My name is Patricia Pendleton, but you can call me Miss P." And from that moment forward, I adored her. She was taken from us much too soon.

I spoke to my own kids of my sixth grade teacher who taught us all to believe in ourselves. Mrs. Evanson is an inspiration to everyone she comes in contact with. Her sixth grade classroom was built on building your self-worth, your belief in your capabilities, and striving for higher more lofty goals. All while learning what we needed to learn. She continues to inspire me and I will never forget her.

I have so many rainbows in my clouds that have nurtured me. Have driven away the darkness by their light. Have been thinking so much about these wonderful women who have made such an impact on my own life. They have been my rainbows, among so many others who have touched my soul so deeply.

My goal for the year ahead is to be a rainbow for my students. To remind myself of the examples I have learned from all of my own rainbows, whether they are present on this earth or soaring up among the clouds.

I love what Ms Angelou asks us to be a blessing to somebody. To be that very rainbow and to be the one who someone can reach out to and that it doesn't matter who you are, we all need rainbows on the cloudiest of days...

I can buy into that...
It is a grand lesson...
It is a grand goal...

An Experiment in Gratitude...

Ok I LOVE LOVE LOVE this concept...


"The amount of happiness in your life is directly correlated to how much gratitude you show."

 What a cool thought process. Beautiful really when you take a moment to think about it.

Today was my first day at my new school. I had such an awesome day. I love first days. You get the chance to start a brand new school year just taking a moment to regroup and set new goals and new adventures begin with a new group of kiddos.

Every year I take a moment to share my life with them. We always have a little fun and I make them try and answer true and false questions about me. I then share a PowerPoint about my life and what makes me tick. I have a broad range of photos and stories I share...but one of the best things I get to share is stories of my mentors, the folks who shaped me into who I am today and my gratitude to them. I speak of Mrs. Simek, my second grade teacher, who truly helped to cultivate my first experiences with theater. My sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Evanson, who continues to inspire me even today but long time ago cultivated an appreciation in one's self worth and believing in your own abilities and creativity.

I know if I were to do this activity shared in the above video...I would really have a tough time picking from the many many MANY amazing people who have impacted my life...

Because I knew you, my friends, I have been changed for good.- Wicked

The Power of Optimism...

I have been accused of being a Pollyanna...
I have been questioned about my optimistic view of life in general.
This blog reeks of optimism at times...
And that's okay...
I think we all need to laugh, to think, to take time to pause, to have those gentle reminders to find the positivity in the crazy situations we find ourself in...

I love what this entire video says...
I am sure that my Mom will love this video...with all of the hurdles we face in life...there is a reason we go through the adversities of life...we are placed here for a reason. There is always something to be learned from all of our life experiences...

Sees the good in things, see the hope in the future and want to make the world a better place.

Find the joy in everything. Even when it is hard to find...believe me it helps you make it through...even when it is minute...
I FIRMLY believe that you attract what you send out there...what you put out there comes back to you...I have lived this and know this for fact.

Sometimes it may be HARD to find it...or even recognize it...but it is THERE!
Dig deep and get through...

Believe in what makes YOU SPECIAL.
What makes you special, sojourners?
What makes you tick?
What makes you YOU??

Optimism is CONTAGIOUS...
Spread it around and just find a smile...

Carry on fellow sojourners.
Carry on...

For my Mom...

I recently saw a commercial for the Rio Olympics from P & G products that says it all, 

"It takes someone strong to make someone strong."

And this is for my mom, who battles with cancer every day and faces it with strength, and perseverance, and grace, and by just being as positive as she can be in the face of uncertainty and uphill battles.

The fighting example she leads is awe inspiring to those around her and unnerving and just plain awe inspiring. 

I just feel so blessed to have her example to follow and admire. 

And I do admire her SO VERY MUCH!!!!!

So on today, the day of her birth, I say,

"Stay the course.

Keep the faith. 

Keep moving forward"

I love you immensely and am so very proud of your accomplishments. Your strength in the face of these recent hurdles is so very beautiful and admirable and humbling and a strong example to those around you.

I love you so very much!

I continue to be one of your biggest cheerleaders and know you will kick CANCER'S ASS!!!

Wishing you the very happiest of birthdays!!!!!

No Reason at All...

Recently I found a spectacular vocal artist that I have shared on here many times...I just love her voice, both phsyically and figuratively...I like what she has to say with her heart and with her lyrics...

I have touched on this theme here recently and I think that this is a powerful song with a great deal to say...Her name is Carrie Manolakos and she is phenomenal...

This Youtube video is powerful, folks... Prepare to moved deeply...

Sometimes I just need to learn to let go for no reason at all...

I can see things that I need to change in me and that's a start...

A place I'd rather be...

To pull myself up and see that sometimes I just need to cry for no reason at all...

BEAUTIFUL and so POETIC and Important to remember.

So many touching moments from La Cage Aux Folles...

So many memorable, beautiful. poetic, heart touching moments during the run of this amazing production.

I have seen many new faces...some many times, coming to see this show more than just once.

I have been moved by the powerful stories audience members so freely share with me. And for this I am eternally grateful.

The audience member who came to me with tears in her eyes and just hugged me and whispered, "Thank you"

The mentor who came and just hugged me and said "I am so proud of you."

The audience members who have thanked me for the roller coaster of emotions.

Friends who have driven MILES to get here to show their love and support and to attend this show...some from Kansas City, some coming from Omaha, some as close as Monticello...all driving in to see the show and offer their hugs. SO MOVING on my heart and just plain brings tears to my eyes...SO GRATEFUL!!!

The flowers. The thank you notes. The kindness extended to our entire cast. The camaraderie I have felt from everyone in this amazing cast...we feel how important this experience truly is.

I have been deeply moved by the tears in people's eyes as they greet me in the lobby for a hug, a hand shake, or a pat on the shoulder.

I feel the importance of this moment.

I love what this show continues to say every time a theatre is BRAVE enough to put it on its boards...

I deeply connect with Zaza/ Albin. I feel her pain when her child says what he says. I feel the power she has when she takes the stage and tries to provide just a few moments of laughter and smiles to her audience. I feel very deeply every word of the song "I AM WHAT I AM" because this song encapsulates the ENTIRE coming out process for me and for many others...I don't think that I have ever truly connected to a character the way I connect to this one and probably won't have that same connection in the future possibly...I may be wrong. This is why this role has been on the bucket list ever since I saw it so many years ago on the Omaha Community Playhouse's stage.

I believe so deeply in the La Cage Aux Folles message...it is not one person who can raise a child...it takes dedication, it takes a team, and it takes a village. This couple is very loving and love comes in many forms. This couple has raised a wonderful son together over their 20 years. This couple has done right by their child every time...and it doesn't matter whether this couple is a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, or two men. The importance lies in the fact that child feels loved, feels nurtured, and feels supported.

Love is Love is Love is Love is LOVE.

In a world of hatred and anger and ridicule...what the world needs to see is love in the face of hatred. Love standing up to the ridicule and harsh words.

Love taking a step forward every time and showing people how to lead their lives.

ZaZa does this with grace, with strength, and with laughter and tears.

Today we call it "history" and wrap up this production and put it in the books...

It will definitely no be one quickly forgotten by those involved...

And I am so darn grateful for this opportunity and experience.

How to nourish your soul...

I think we are all passionate about our lives...

I just think that sometimes we get lost in the rat race...or the high pitched hums of life and forget to chart our path.

I am at a crossroads.

I can feel it.

I can see it ahead of me and it scares the crap out of me. But it also excited me.

I am about to take another leap and have been searching for the last 3 years for what that next step is because the one I had taken was too bumpy for me. I now know that God had taken me down this path to strengthen me, to teach me great lessons on interpersonal communication, and to help me to grow professionally and personally. I look back on the past 7 years with great pride, with sadness, with a sense of failure, with a sense of stronger focus and now can see that this was all preparing me to look ahead and step forward and raise my hand to say, "What's next?"

I am crossing bucket list events off my never ending list but am at a point where I truly do not know what "NEXT" looks like for acting roles...
I need to constantly remind myself to nourish my soul and to be true to my heart and find what touches me emotionally and deeply. And to TAKE THE TIME TO be kinder to ME. Kinder to those I hold dear to me. And in turn be kinder to those around me I may not already know.

I think this is important.

In today's world...

This is a HARD ONE FOLKS!!!
I think it is so difficult to remain positive in a political season that has been so hateful and nasty and vengeful. I can only imagine what our neighbors must think.I think it is going to be a difficult journey to bounce back from this one and I just don't think we are going to be in a good place regardless of who takes the top spot.

On a personal note: it is difficult to remember this when you have been beaten down, when you have been disrespected for so long, when you have not felt supported for so long, when you have felt out on your own for so long on a professional level, on a creative level, on any level actually. Change is a must in those particular times. A shift must happen both figuratively and permanently.

I am just so thankful for sounding boards, for love and support from loved ones, for friends and family, and for times of meditation to remember and reconnect to this thought process. It is not always going to be easy. It is not always going to be smooth. It is not always going to be the "BEST life moments" but you have got to face each day with softer eyes, with a calmer heart, or you will be consumed. And consistently remind your head and heart to do so...

Many years ago, I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with anger, with sadness, with fear and allowed it to consume my life. I had felt wronged. I had felt that my decision was the best decision and that I could direct everyone around me to believe my way was the best way or just plain cut you out of my life. The result? My health dwindled, my sleep went away, I had to take more Melatonin to get to sleep, everything in my life was not going as it should and my body was telling me so.

Thank God for counseling and for a redirection. I was told that I could only direct one person's life and that was my own. Why would you try to direct someone else's life...that was just plain tiring. It was definitely a reshift in thought. I cannot live another person's life for them. I have to just live my own personal experience and do it with a sense of fullness and integrity and sincerity. Let others live their lives the way they envision and move forward.

Today, and always, I pray for softer eyes. I pray for a softer heart. I pray for a redirected mind and am thankful for the day I am presented with. A new opportunity to make a difference. A new day to begin a new adventure and a new journey.

Go about your day, fellow sojourners, with sweetness.

Can I get an AMEN?

This speech moved me to tears during the presentation of this year's Tonys.

So true.

So moving.

And if folks who continue to spew their hate would just stop and take a look at themselves in the mirror...I think they would be truly disgusted at what they see. How can you spew such vitriol at other people mistakenly justified in the name of God and Jesus, a man who preached "Love not Hate" and think that you are justified to do so, that you are justified because God taught you to do so...

I will continue to reach out to others in a mode of love and support.

Love is Love and cannot be killed...

Brilliance.