"Art isn't easy"

"In my experience, it is not the act of making art that is painful. It is the desire to make something and not acting on it that causes pain" Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot tell you how many projects I have in my head going on right now...

Ideas for books I want to write...

Ideas for cabaret shows I want to create...

Shows I would love to direct...

Shows I would love to be a part of...

Paintings I want to create...if I had the experience and talent and education...

I have thought about taking a pottery class...so I can have my Ghost moment...

And it all takes time...

Notice the common bond behind each one of these ideas and comments?

It's all in the dot dot dot 

and its those dot dot dots that cause all the pain and frustration.

SO I guess what I need to do is take it one step at a time and remove the dot dot dots and make them a PERIOD, more final. More "in the works" if you will.

I am reminded of Sondheim's Sunday in the Park with George where his character says, 

"Bit by bit / Putting it together

Piece by piece / Only way to make a work of art

Every moment makes a contribution

Every little detail plays a part

Having just a vision's no solution

Everything depends on execution."

And that's what I will leave you with today friends...do with this as you may...

One of those tearful moments

So I had an awesome thing happen during class.
As many of you know, I am a Forensics coach...and no that title has nothing to do with dead bodies...but lots to do with competitive speech and theatre and drama and public speaking. Many folks are completely confused as  to what it means so you are not alone. But this BEAST is entirely different than say Drama One, where you are learning basics. Forensics takes it all to the next level. SO not only do you have to know how to act and create characters, but you have to infuse all that knowledge into poetry pieces, or prose, or an oratory, or into an improvised scene you create in a 30 minute time frame and THEN you throw in tournaments around the state and you got an idea of what it all begins to look like.
For a new student, this can be overwhelming.
Last year, I had a young lady who was very timid and shy. She barely spoke for the entire semester...and when she did speak, usually she was quiet, timid, reserved and thoughtful. She always had something terrific to say in feedback...she was just quiet in doing so. As the year went on, she began to grow more confident and I could see that she had potential to be a part of the Forensics program if she could get past the jitters of auditions and get into the classroom structure. There was a sparkle to her eyes and her smile is terrific and I could tell she would do very well in competition.
She auditioned very well and made the squad.
This year begins and she is just as timid and shy as she was last year. In the back of my mind, I kept saying to myself..."OH OH, is she going to make it? Is she sinking with her ship?" She just kept to herself a great deal. Touch bases with her proved otherwise...she seemed to be getting what we were teaching her...and she seemed ok...it is just in her nature to be quiet and reserved.
Skip ahead to to tournament auditions this week. She gets up and auditions with her poetry piece And it BLEW US ALL AWAY!!!!! She got up there with her sweet smile and politely asked if she need to ask if her judge and time keeper were ready. We told her yes and she opened her black book and began her poetry performance.
It was filled with wonderful wonderful writing and her performance was filled with such powerful  emotion and honesty. There was a moment where I had to catch myself as the tears began. I am just so proud of her! I cannot wait until she gets to go to tournament and experience those moments because this journey she has taken is extraordinary. I am just so honored to have been able to witness this journey and am excited to see the possibilities of her year ahead!!!

The winds of fall...

My favorite time of the year besides spring.

I love when Starbucks brings us the pumpkin spice latte.

I love when the leaves begin to reveal their true colors and the palette is extravagant and rich. Those ambers, and oranges, and burgundys, and golden hues warm my heart so much.

I guess you could say that I do not like extremes.

I do not like it too hot or too cold.

I like the middle ground.

I get tense when it gets too hot or too cold in anything, as many of you know.

But fall?

It is a beautiful time of the year when the brisk mornings symbolize coffee and crispness.

 Like a yummy, gooey cobbler and vanilla ice cream.

One of my friends loves this season even more than I do and posts daily of his love of fall...at the end of August, he posted on his Facebook page, "Welcome to the BER months"

And to Robbie, I say, "YES"

If only we could do this effectively...

This morning is rough.
ECH. MONDAY. The beginning of a long week ahead. And I am sore and tired and feeling down.
But I am going to try my hardest to find the silver lining and surround myself with positive things.
Don't surround yourself with the negative. Finding the positivity is a MUST and makes things much MUCH more bearable.
Life is TOO short.

AMEN! AMEN!! AMEN

Isn't this something to remind yourself??? I LOVE THIS!!!! Thank you, Jannetta, for posting this on your Facebook page. Never, EVER live your life in a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" situation where you second guess "if you should have done this" or "if you should thrown your hat in for that".

If something presents itself to you, and it causes you excitement at its potential, you at least have to throw your hat out there and give it a try!!!
If you are happy with the status quo, with the day in and day out, then I say by all means. But if you are not happy, what are you going to do to get yourself to a happier place? Getting yourself to a place you envision for yourself and can be much more grateful and calmer.
"If you don't go after what you want, you will never have it"


Take that tap class.
Go up and ask that cute boy out.
Throw your hat into the ring and see what comes back to you.

I am reminded once again of the great Theodore Roosevelt who said, "“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”


And I love this so much!!!


Now get out there and do something GREAT today!!!

A fresh perspective...one that I like very much

I found another awesome website that I think you should give a looksee...


An article caught my eye from one of my friends that I go to church with and I thought I would share it with you...Thank you John for opening my eyes to this!!!


It is entitled, "What's it like being a Gay Christian?" and it is written by Matthew David Morris. I like what it says very much and provides such sweet food for thought...

He writes:

“So what’s it like?” he asked as he cut into his spinach and goat cheese omelette.

“What’s what like?” I responded.

“What’s it like to be a gay Christian.”

I nearly dropped my fork.

“I don’t think I’ve ever known any gay Christians before you,” my acquaintance, a long-time professional in the Christian Music Industry, told me with a straight face.

(No pun intended.)

Of course you’ve known gay Christians, I thought. Are you kidding me? Have you ever really paid attention to the music directors at some of your churches?

Gay. Most of them gay.

(I know this first hand. Don’t ask how.)

I was so caught off guard. I didn’t realize we were going to be having this talk. I thought we were talking about faith. About my faith. Not my “gay” faith, mind you. My faith-faith. The faith that was re-shaping the landscape of my life.

I’d been telling him about how jarring it was to discover myself feeling called back to the Church. I was praying regularly, and making sincere attempts to read Scripture each morning. I was wrestling with what it means to be a follower of Jesus in a capitalist country obsessed with progress, whose citizens are often bored by conversations about justice and are mostly uninterested in the plight of the poor. I was trying to discern where I fit into the greater Christian landscape, one dominated by a religious culture that treats Christianity as though it’s some kind of “lifestyle brand” with Jesus as its celebrity spokesperson.

This is all messy, complicated stuff, and worthy of unpacking in fellowship with other Christians.

But it was my gayness that interested him; my gayness as it related to my Christianity.

Homosexuality — a word preferred over “gay” by most conservative Christians, a word that makes everything about the softest, most sensual, gentle, and vulnerable parts of my life sound clinical and cold — was, in his mind, the thing which must be coloring my conversion experience.

In rainbows, perhaps.

“I don’t know. What’s it like being a straight Christian?” I asked him. “I mean, how is your relationship to God or Jesus informed by your straightness?”

He didn’t know how to answer that question.

Few straight people do, I’m finding.

But that doesn’t stop them from asking about my gay-Christian experience. It’s a point of fascination for most of them. I am a paradox, it seems. I am the contradiction of an untold number of sermons and messages preached from pulpits all across the land. I am not supposed to exist, the gay Christian.

But I do. There are a lot of us here, in fact. New ones coming out every day.

I’m also not actively processing my Christian faith through a gay lens. That is, not until a straight person reminds me that I’m a gay Christian.

My faith does inspire me to ask a number of questions, most of them having little or nothing to do with my sexuality. For example:

How am I supposed to serve God in the world? What am I called to do, exactly?

How can I learn to love more honestly and deeply?

How can I resist the temptation to judge others, to hate those who hurt me, to covet the products which are marketed to me ad nauseam, to exploit the people and resources of this world in order to secure a safe, protected, privileged, middle class lifestyle?

How do I pray when I feel hopeless?

How do I praise when I really feel like lamenting?

How do I steer clear of easy interpretations of the Bible? How can I resists self-serving ways of reading the text?

More importantly, how can I learn to read the Word as it manifests in the world around me?

These are the questions that inform my Christian faith. These are the things I think about when I’m laying next to my husband each night before we fall asleep, him reading a fantasy novel and me skimming something theological. These are the ideas that I’m interested in writing about, and which have inspired me to begin pursuing a degree in Religious Studies. These are the questions which remind me that there is mystery in all of this.

So what’s it like to be a gay Christian, my acquaintance wanted to know?

It’s awkward sometimes. And probably not for the reason you’d think.

Profound eh?? The website has many other wonderful articles to stretch your cranium as well...why not go there and check it out? It is www.deeperstory.com

A new concept...a new thought process

I mean come on...can you imagine what this world would be like if we just took the time to be kinder?
If we just took the time to figure out all of the ways to make someone else feel more beautiful?
More special?
All it takes, I think, is a little pause in your day and a reminder to "Slow down and breathe" when the pace picks up. When you are feeling the stress kick in and the pressure begin to build...a quick reminder...breathe. Just breathe. Just take in one deep breath to your very core..." The face the problem, the higher blood pressure with a new set of outlooks.
This world is so apt to test your boundaries. And I have heard it said that there is nothing good going on in the world right now and that it is in fact kinda scary. I would tend to agree with that statement.
Can you imagine if everybody just took a breath before bombing?
Facing adversity with a brighter set of eyes?


Reach out to someone you have not talked to in a long time.
Open the door for someone.
Buy your special someone flowers or make them dinner.


Do SOMETHING to propel kindness in this world. It will bring you a whole new, fresher outlook on the day.

What will your mark on the world say

Found this on Pinterest.

I like this a great deal.

So many times we struggle with if we are doing the right thing...or maybe if we should have said something differently...or handled a situation in a different manner. Or we are just "too busy"

So many people have helped mold me into the man I am today.

So many inspirational people who have taken the time out of their busy hectic schedules to pause and say, "How can I help?" or to just be a shoulder to lean on.

And for them I a grateful.

But, we can get so caught up in the rat race that we forget that there are people struggling just to find a course in their own lives.

Many are struggling with what they want to do "when they grow up"

By just taking one moment out of your own busy schedule to say, "You matter." will do your own heart good.

Pay it forward and be the lightness of being in someone else's life.

Be the inspiration not the perspiration.

Who knew...

Who knew that this planning for a celebration would be so intensive...

Trying to finalize a guest list so that blocks of rooms can be reserved.

And we struggle with this so much as we have a cap on the list...100...how do you cap off a guest list at 100 and you are surrounded by family but the list of friends will have to be selective...it sucks. But it is a fact of life.

Justin and I are not wanting to burden our families with the cost of this event. But we also want it to be casual and fun. And a memorable event for all. And Signature us. But it is costly as we move forward. And this adds stress...

We have the site. Lake side. Serene

We are struggling with a time line. I love the sunsets at the lake and would love to be able to share this with family and friends. Bonfires and s'mores. Music list. Wine and beer. But then there is the cost of food and all of the above...Will need to keep thinking on this.

Who knew that it was this much thought process and work...for one day of celebration?

  When it all comes down to it, it is a celebration of a love I have dreamed about all my life. A man I am so grateful to for saving me, for loving me, for lifting me up, and for supporting me. I think about moments of the day and I already get weepy. I see the friends and family surrounding us down at lakeside for a  intimate ceremony. I love the idea of memory chairs for our loved ones no longer with us brought in by our family. And I see lots of laughter and smiles and it makes the struggle all worth it.

Not forgotten...9/11

It is now a memorial site, a very fitting tribute but in those days of terror, with the smell of ash and heat floating into the air...and the sights of horror and roadside make-shift memorials and missing pages popping up everywhere you could think...it was a very different feel. Converting parks into candle vigils and trying to find their loved ones. The lines of people trying to get out of the lower part of Manhattan. The mass exodus in the afternoon through a eerily blank Time Square because subways were not running. The fear levels and the sadness level...unbearable. How is one supposed to go through relaxation exercises and focus on learning different acting techniques, basically concentrate, with sirens going by every moment? 

But what was also beautiful following the horrible day was the pride and strength that evolved from it. It was actually palpable. You could actually feel it grow not only in the "City that Never Sleeps" but nation-wide.

I have not been back to NYC since this time in my life, yet the friends I have made during this time period have remained and for that I am grateful. I am grateful for the shared experience that has drawn us together. I am reminded every year on this date of the horrific images, the scary moments, and the tears begin to flow again much like the pool you can now see on the World Trade Center memorial...as the water flows into the dark holes left by two planes.

It truly is a day I will NEVER FORGET.

It is my hope to be able to get back to NYC in the near future and be able to go to the museum and memorial and be able to take it in. Shed some tears and remember the day that our lives was changed forever.

D K H G Y ...The code

Haha I was reminded of this moment of my coming out process a little while ago and thought I would share...
Coming out is a challenge...no matter how you slice it. It's much like telling any secret to someone you care deeply for. Sharing that deepest darkest heart story.
Whether it is to your closest friends or family members, the butterflies begin weeks in advance. That uneasy throw-up feeling deep in the pit of your belly. You play each outcome over and over and over in your head and hope and pray that the end result is not like the horrible stories you hear occurring throughout our country. Those uninformed SOBs reacting harshly, lashing out and blaming and kicking and screaming and hurting.
My coming out has nothing in comparison to what others have gone through. But it has been the exact same feeling when I do get to that point where I have to actually speak the words...I get the butterflies. I get the racing heartbeats. The dry mouth and there is usually tears...not unusual for those who know me well.
But there is nothing more memorable than my first few coming out experiences. I am so thankful that I was in Medora and surrounded by great friends when I was finally able to verbalize who I was deep down.
Now I had struggled with this for quite sometime leading up to my summer of '93. I was in the Badlands of North Dakota performing nightly in the Greatest Show in the West!! And it was this summer that I decided to take a break and not work during the day and just perform the show at night. It was during this respite that feelings started to surface. Thankfully I had many around me who were so supportive and not shocked when I finally did come out, not only to myself, but also to them.
One friend in particular made the comment, "Honey, we are not shocked at all. In fact, many of us have been waiting for this moment for you. We used to have discussions about you and when it would happen. We used to talk in code around you."
I gave her a puzzled look. I chuckled as I could only imagine what those discussions sounded like.
She continued, "We used to say D K H G Y," and then in this type of sing songy form of verse, she sang, "B H W"
I looked at her and was like, "What? I don't get it."
She smiled at me and said, " Doesn't know he's gay yet."
And began to sing to me, "But he will!!!!!"

Funniest story of my life.
And it brings such levity to my life and to those I am mentoring through the process. And it helped me make it through...knowing that I wore this adventure on my sleeve. If so many knew it just by meeting me, how could anyone else be blind to who I was?

Can I get another AMEN?

Be REMARKABLE today.

Do something to change the lives of someone near you, even if it is just a hug or a smile.

You never know the impact you can make in other people's lives if you go around with your head downward...

Pick up your head and breathe in the fresh air.

It's gonna be a GREAT DAY TODAY!!!

Make new plans to try new things or create a new adventure.

As for me, I am going to figure this all out some day. Some day this light bulb will click on and I will see what is in store for me.

I believe this wholeheartedly.

Are we living up to our potential...

What is our true potential? Are we working towards our true potential and are we doing what we were destined to do with our lives?
There are so many "How to find your true potential" pages out there...you should just Google search it and see how many there are. It is crazy.
I can honestly say that I am struggling with this.
But what I am struggling with is not a question of the current job I work at, or the life I lead. It's those other moments in my life currently overtaking my thoughts...it is those thoughts of just completing graduate school, traveling as a professional actor and learning the business. Pervading my thoughts and hearing words of advice that we not asked for that now haunt me a bit.
You see, when I was little, I wanted to be a theatre producer. I wanted to be a theatre director. I wanted to possibly own my own theatre and create art and entertain. I completed grad school and immediate took to the road to "learn about this business."
And the first few steps were bumpy. I can look back and honestly say, that these bumps, while I was in the actual moment was a little traumatic, however nowadays, I think of these moments thankfully. It formed who I am as a performer and business man.
My family was not as kind or supportive during these times. The pressure to leave this all behind and do something "more stable" was heavy and hard at times mostly from my grandparents. And yes, the suggestions were towards being a teacher. They played my chosen theatre career at the times all off as ridiculous or flippant or unstable and played the teaching profession as a more stronger choice.
These days I am looking back on these conversations with a little bit of a dark cloud. And I do NOT want to say that I blame anyone for the conversation as debilitating as it was to my dreams but I am struggling with this.
What I am about to say could be read as stuck up and full of myself...It is not intended to be so but could be read as such...
I am now teaching. And I am good at it. Its not a question of that... I ENJOY IT SOOOOOO MUCH!!! I enjoy teaching the kids and watching them grow into budding artists. I enjoy my co-workers so much. I am good at what I do. I have learned the craft and am thankful for the paycheck and the opportunity to work in this field.
But am I being used and allowed to be utilized to my true potential? That is negotiable. I am feeling so much more creative when I blog, when I am onstage, when I am in the director's chair. I am thankful for the fall play time when I can be creative and collaborative. I feel much more creative when I am in the coach's seat for Forensics...but when I take in all of the politics surrounding me, all of the frustrating stupidity around issues, I get frustrated about it all.
And I KNOW that there are politics in EVERY profession.  I get that loud and clear.
But I cannot ignore the voices in my head of grandparents and parents telling me to do it and leave the artistic dreams behind and that is when I get even more frustrated with myself and for my life choices. I encourage my kids to never live their lives in a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" situation and to live life as fully as you possibly can...That they should live their own dreams and NOT OTHERS DREAMS...and then I begin to think...am I currently capping myself out? Is there something else out there I should be focused on instead?

Have I shut the door on those childhood dreams only to live the life my grandparents and father dreamt for me?

Doors have presented themselves and I have pursued them.
I have played the waiting game.
And there are many issues that I refuse to address here in this blog because I want to remain so positive. I want to continue to be a positive influence in other's lives. I want to keep teaching and working because I do love working with the kids...but the question still remains...am I working towards my truest potential or am I merely wading into the water one toe-touch at a time?
Am I being hypocritical and not practicing what I "preach"?

I no longer have patience...

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” - Meryl Streep

I love me some Meryl Streep. She pretty much can say or do anything she wants to because of the creativity and awesome talent she contains in just her pinky finger. I think I would go silent if I was in her presence and would not know what to say. I am in awe of her work. I am in awe of her as a person and her words ring true. I am intrigued by what she has to say. Does this arrive at a certain age in life? I am always intrigued by this moment when someone just doesn't give a damn and speaks their mind.

So many of us waste our time trying so hard to please, to coexist with people who clearly do not respect you, love you, or cannot live their lives with modicum of respect or love for their fellow man. They are in it for themselves, they are backstabbers, they manipulate those around him to better themselves. I do not have the respect, the willpower, nor the strength to put up with this mode of behavior.

I will strive to be a better person. 

A better partner.

A better son.

A better brother.

A better friend.

I will strive to be more loyal.

I will strive to be more bendable and open to trying new adventures.

I will not tolerate negativity. I will surround myself with positivity.

I will leap today and try to place my hope in the net following close behind.

I miss Italy...St. Peter's Basillica

There were moments when we walked into holy site that I truly felt like the presence of God was there, Beaming down on us...shedding light on hearts and minds.

Just looking up and seeing such grandeur, such beauty, such splendor and all created by man's hand. Truly breath taking.

 GOLD!
The COLOR!
The CROOK in my neck as you spend so much time trying to take in each detail of the ceiling frescoes.
The SCULPTURES!
THE MARBLE!

This is the dome behind the altar area. This altar area is meant for only the Pope to walk around. The altar is above the crypt believed to be the rest place of St. Peter.

 This is the crypt and tomb of St. Peter underneath the altar under the above mentioned dome.

T

Can you feel it? Captivating. Breath taking. Feeling the overwhelming awesomeness of it all...

The Pieta.

Gorgeous and full of haunting detail. 

I had forgotten a little about this sculpture. My research found, "The Pietà (1498–1499) is a world-famous work of Renaissance sculpture by Michelangelo Buonarroti, housed in St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican City. It is the first of a number of works of the same theme by the artist. The statue was commissioned for the French Cardinal Jean de Bilhères, who was a representative in Rome. The sculpture, in Carrara marble, was made for the cardinal's funeral monument, but was moved to its current location, the first chapel on the right as one enters the basilica, in the 18th century. It is the only piece Michelangelo ever signed."
"This famous work of art depicts the body of Jesus on the lap of his mother Mary after the Crucifixion. The theme is of Northern origin, popular by that time in France but not yet in Italy. Michelangelo's interpretation of the Pietà is unprecedented in Italian sculpture. It is an important work as it balances the Renaissance ideals of classical beauty with naturalism."

Sculpting of the work took less than two years. When you see this in person, it is hard to comprehend this information. It is so detailed and beautiful that to think that two years brought this...such a short time for something so breathtaking.
But this sculpture is not wont for tragedy. The most substantial damage occurred on May 21, 1972, when a mentally disturbed geologist named Laszlo Toth walked into the chapel and attacked the sculpture with a geologist's hammer while shouting "I am Jesus Christ!" Onlookers took many of the pieces of marble that flew off. Later, some pieces were returned, but many were not, including Mary's nose, which had to be reconstructed from a block cut out of her back. After the attack, the work was painstakingly restored and returned to its place in St. Peter's and is now protected by a bulletproof acrylic glass panel, which is how we saw it. Believe me, the glass does not deter from the gorgeousness.

YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS BEAUTIFUL CATHEDRAL!!! It is so awe-inspiring. I want to go back!!!

Boy I needed this today...

It is something I encourage my kids as much as I can...

Life lessons from Higgy...

1. Ignore your inner critic.

2. If something scares the piss outta ya, you have to try it at least once.

3. Just breathe.

4. Never live your life in a shoulda, coulda , woulda situation.

You will regret those moments you let pass by if you don't throw your hat in the game.

Carry on, fellow travelers.

Nostalgia

Last night, my uncle and aunt drove in from North Caroline for a quick trip. I only see them maybe once a year and it is usually on a drive through on their way to California or just a quick trip to Little Rock for a quick visit.

Justin and I got there and Dad was just putting the steaks on the grill. It was a beautiful night. I have ALWAYS said that Allyn looks so much like my Grandpa Higdem. He always has. Snowy white hair, eye and chin structure. Well last night struck me quite heavy. It was just Allyn and I standing out on the deck visiting and at one moment, he looked up at me and I was blind-sided by a look my Grandma Higdem used to give me. I could see her in him and there were mannerisms that he did that reminded me of her as well.

I have had this happen to me as well...folks telling me that I look and act just like my Dad. Mannerisms. Glances. Gestures. It is bound to happen...we certainly are a wacky, motley crew that's for sure.

To be fair, when I am in North Dakota/Minnesota with my Mom, I get it there as well, that I look so much like her too. :)

It is a happy mix, I guess...as it should be.

It just struck me so hard last night. I was not prepared for it.

I miss Grandma very much.