This is Us...

After yesterday's post...I feel there is a divine hand involved here somehow...

I was getting caught up yesterday on this wonderful NBC show currently playing called "This is Us."

And with everything that is going on in my life here recently, TV has become my escape and yet it hasn't been...
everything is cancer, Breast Cancer Awareness month,
everything here lately has been death,
has been commentary on politics,
on life...

This is Us had a powerful episode where they discuss life and death and our past and future so eloquently and I wanted to share some of it here...

It said: 

Life.

Life is full of color.

We each add our own color to the painting of life and it goes on and on forever.

We are all in the painting somewhere and everywhere regardless of where we are in life...our ancestors added the colors that they brought with them...they have children and they begin a different color and we just keep adding and adding and adding until we have added to the point where we all blend in...

My mom is not alive anymore...but yet she is still with us...

People that we love will die and not be around anymore...and yet they are still with us somehow...just in very different ways

Just because someone dies and are not around anymore doesn't mean that they are not in our life's painting...

I think the painting becomes a testimony to their lives and the lives before them and the lives before them.
 As well as our own lives. 

And that is powerful.

The painting is not about you or me
 its just us.

And this sloppy, random, splattery painting we call life that goes on and on
and shows no end is just us.

And I needed this today.

To remind me.

I am grateful for my life's painting.

I am grateful for the brushstrokes that are my parent's and grandparent's etchings on my life. 

I am grateful for my husband's impact and imprint on my canvas.

I am grateful to each of my friends for the impact they have made in my life.
I am grateful for everyone, both near and far, reaching out and support me and my family with their love and prayers and care and for just "showing up". I can never even begin to repay the kindness we have all felt.

So grateful.

So here is my goal so far...

To just  keep on painting

And yet...

I gotta consistently remind myself of this here lately. 

I am struggling here. 

I am struggling with everything and trying so hard to put on the best game face when I am out and about but it all feels so 

...

Quiet times are not so much...

Quiet times I am left to my thoughts, my memories, the smiles and the tears and the adventures we shared. And I am left with the memory of those final moments, holding her hand after she slipped away, so grateful I had those moments but so DAMN sad that it has gone this way.

I want so bad to watch our wedding video just to see her face and hear her voice one more time but I know that it will make me so damn sad and there you go...

I get hard on myself. 

I allow myself to sit there in the darkness of my mind.

I feel guilty because I know that she would never EVER want me to be sad but at this point and time she doesn't get to say that to me even from beyond because she is not here to do it.

Maybe at some point I can feel better about this whole thing.

Maybe it won't hurt so much.

I am sure it will. 

I went to my grandparents, godfather's, and uncle's grave sites. 

And the tears still flowed. But it was different.

And yet it doesn't feel perfect. For her. For her memory.

I am in the process of figuring my way through how to memorialize her in the perfect way. I am struggling with the possibility that we will not bury my mom any time soon...and to be perfectly honest...I am not sure that I want that either. Traditionally speaking, you go to the funeral and immediately go to the grave site and bury and move forward. You place a bronze plaque on top and have a place you can go to to memorialize and remember and cry and hold and feel their memory closer. Yet her memory is all round me and can feel her presence next to me even as I type this.

I am not sure of anything right now in regards to this whole thing...I have found very beautiful mementos that I can carry along with me. A beautiful small heart container and stand that matches her urn...a glass paperweight that looks like a swirl of stars with her ashes in it... a wonderful necklace of a tree that contains a small amount of her...and its all overwhelming. A tattoo of a prayer found in her writing in her prayer shawl

I can even see myself on that butte in the Badlands having to climb myself to the top of a butte and burying some of her ashes up there...but that is me superimposing my own burial wishes on her and I am not sure that that is right either. She loved Northern Minnesota too, but she also had so many life adventures and am having problems remembering where she loved... 

And yet, her urn sits on the table that my step-sister has arranged as a perfect memorial. Her beautiful portrait that was at the front of the memorial service, photos of our family, her dad, her brother, her prayer shawl...and it feels perfect for right now...as it should be

But I continue to remind myself to just keep breathing...Just keep paddling and treading water in hopes that these waves will pass...

Driving with the top down

I have continued on in my life. I haven't moved forward on many levels because of the fact that I have not had quiet time since returning back to Bentonville. I had a wonderful, rough, inspiring, personal struggling week with family up in Minnesota and  I am grateful for it all. The week was about beginning the process of going through Mom's belongings and figuring our way through all of the life stuff.

 After numerous discussions with both Steve, my husband, my Dad...I came to the point where I agreed with Steve about my Mom's car. I brought it back to Arkansas with me. I struggled with this decision and am not sure why. 

So here's the story behind the car. After my Mom divorced her second husband...one that we do not speak of...she relied on her close circle of friends to help her bounce back. My mom was a very STRONG business woman, strong Republican, strong faith and it always surprised me about this next aspect about my mom...but she was also intrigued by psychic activity...and became more in tune as she got older into the world. One of her girlfriends brought one of her friends, who happened to be psychic, into their circle of friends. My mom was very interested to see what she would have to say and had numerous readings done with her...about our relationship, my coming out process, and where she was going to be in the next five years. One of the things she told Mom was that she actually saw my Mom not being in Bismarck but actually moving away. She told my Mom that she saw her in a red convertible, with the top down, wind blowing through her hair, with a HUGE smile on her face, and rocking out to the tunes playing on her car radio. 

Jump ahead a few more years and Bobcat transferred Mom to Fargo to work in corporate office. She was a member of the Elks Club in Bismarck. They had a raffle fundraiser going on and she agreed to sell 10 tickets for them. She forgot that she had them to sell them until like a few days before and so she just decided to write them a check for all 10 tickets. And then forgot about it,

So I get this call from my Mom one afternoon and she asked if I was sitting down. "Yes", I responded. She told me the story and then told me SHE WON THE CAR!!!!!

She was like, " Brandon, do you remember what the psychic said???"

"Of COURSE!!!!" I responded, "Did it HAPPEN???" 

"Yup," was her reply!.

When asking her what the rocking tunes she played as she drove the car, top down, wind through her hair, out of Bismarck...and she replied Shania Twain. 

"Seriously??? Mom...Way to ROCK IT OUT!!!!" I joked and we laughed and laughed.

She was so proud of that car. It symbolized so much for her. It was a symbol of her independence..newly realized...it was something she had placed a photo of on her fridge as something that she wanted...very much the the ideas covered in the book "The Secret"...place what you want and hope for in front of you and you cannot help but achieve it. Goals set and achieved. 

She even placed a special license plate on this car.

Jump ahead. After going through the emotional roller coaster of death and struggling to make sure we honored her memory...one of the most beautiful moments of her service at the church was my cousin Sherri speaking on behalf of our entire family for Mom. One of the things she mentioned was the fact that on the way to the memorial service, she saw an eagle along the side of the road with its head bowed and that it seems so appropriate for my Mom and her memory. I would totally agree with that...my Mom was a very patriotic soul and believed in everything that this country stands for.

I came home to Minnesota and on the first time I got in her car, I could feel her everywhere. She was with me in the passenger's seat. That was a rough moment...just keep breathing...just keep breathing...I pulled out of the garage and steered the car towards the gravel road heading towards the highway...and this is no lie...an eagle flew out of the trees and followed me all the way down the road to the highway turnoff. With tears pouring down my face, I kept thinking...Yup this is appropriate somehow...I love you Momma and thank you...

I put the more appropriate rocking tunes on...a CD I created for my Mom but also with a little more beat and honoring her...

RUPAUL, GLEE, Barrett Baber, Medora, among many more.

And cried all the way back to Bentonville

That dream was scary...

I have never had a dream like that before in my life...
We were gathered around the Thanksgiving table and I remember we were at the house in MN. All of the kids were there and we were getting ready to bow our heads and say grace. I hear us saying grace and then I hear Steve say Mom's name and I just hunch over and let out the most guttural scream and wail I have ever given. I have never experienced something like that before in my life. I woke myself up from that wail and was so shaken that I could not get back to sleep.

I dread the holidays...the absence will be palpable...

Mom's toolbox...

One of my dear friends told me that there would be a strong feeling of loss and peace and sadness...and perhaps not a lot of anger at the passing of my mom....and I think what I am most sad about is the abyss that is now left with her departure. She was a HUGE part of my life and filled me with such blessed lessons and tools to move my way through this journey. She nurtured me. She supported me and now that has been ripped away...I say too quickly...

My cousin is one of my dearest confidantes in my life  and she told me on a long conversation the other day that my Mom left me her toolbox she used in her own life. She taught me how to use the tools she used and left them for me to use after she went on. I was struck by this profound statement. .

My mom really did give me the tools on which I will be successful in my life going forward. Her hammer of faith and strength. Her pliers of pride in a job well done. Her screwdriver of devotion and drive. Her sandpaper to buffer the hard edges and leave softness.

It was the perfect thing to say and I have been pondering this for quite some time. Those close to us really do leave us the tools for life's roller-coaster. Whether they intend to or not. Some do a better job than others. Some  use those tools as a hard knocks sort of mentality. I think we need to strive to make ourselves as well as the folks around us better human beings just by the example they lead.  And I have so MANY shining examples from which to follow.

I am in O'Hare airport heading back to Minnesota to begin the process of helping to go through her personal belongings. There are so many things she has already given me in this life that I will be forever grateful for. After a hectic and crazy couple of weeks back in school, hosting our speech tournament at school this weekend, a friend asked if I was ready to begin this process. I said that I have pushed myself so hard to ensure a smooth tournament run that I really wasn't sure. Are we ever fully equipped and prepared for something like this.

She went on to say that I would feel her everywhere and that it would be overwhelming. I will go with the flow and just keep breathing and trying to make her proud. It's all I can do. Live my life going forward with the tools she gave me and for those I will eternally be grateful.

Where I am today...

As I slowly settle into the harsh reality of absence, I know that these stages of grief are different for every one. I hear what folks say about it and am so grateful for every friend and family member who has reached out to say hello, to offer their condolences,  to listen to my processing, and to offer love and support in every form it has come in. Our family could not have made it this far without all of the love and support.l we have felt from each of you. We are so grateful and love each of you so much.

One of the biggest things I find that I am working my way through, on my end of the grief train, is that I am not experiencing anger at this point and time. It is a little jarring as I expected this part but  I think my Mom set the tone throughout this entire experience. This helps to buffer it a bit I think.  Her positive outlook, her " go get it " tone she set, the opportunities we had together to share our lives and our final months together...how she interacted with those around her, those moments of " I am going to fight this with every fiber of my being to the very end" will always stay with me.

Am I angry? Not really. She fought the courageous fight. She lived the full life. She led by the strongest example and she wouldn't want us to dwell in anger. There are other things that anger me that just plain strike me as odd... But they things and iasues that are out of my control and so it becomes a non-issue.

Am I sad? ABSOLUTELY. 100 PERCENT SAD. I am so sad that she will not be here to share any more of our life experiences together. I am sad that she is no longer here to be able to give each of us her special hugs. Those phone calls...

I do find myself able to make it through the day and then getting home and just feel utter exhaustion. Right now i am putting on my best smile, my best foot forward, my best I can muster and go from there. I know she would want me to do this...and I need to do this...to push forward... and I find I am better than where I was three weeks ago and I know that it will continue to move forward from here.

All I have to do is get through one week more here in AR then I will head back up north to help Steve go through her belongings. I know that this will also be rough. There will be many tears. There will be lots of memories flooding back. Just seeing the blue dress hanging in the closet...the one she wore at our wedding and the one from the picture at the memorial service brought tears to my eyes...just seeing it hanging there was rough...But family and friends share this with us. I know that this is all part of a awful process and a path I have never had to go down before.

My prayer is that Mom guides me through it all...