"8"

Recently, I had the chance to perform with a group of people in the staged reading, "8", a new play by playwright Dustin Lance Black, who won the Oscar for writing the screen play, Milk. What an amazing experience!!! I played Charles Cooper, the antagonist, lawyer for the defense...a difficult role as I am so VERY different than this person. While there were many problems with the script, the content is biting, harsh, timely, eye-opening, touching, and thought provoking. A Q&A followed and was extremely moving and topics came up that I have covered on here before. And most of the dialogue is pulled form actual court transcripts along with hypothesized scenes with the plaintiff and their kids...

One of the most angering, blood boiling moments of this play is the inclusion of the actual commercials played in the state of California prior to voting. Each one of these commercials found it appropriate to speaking entirely of children and how the passing of Proposition 8 would be detrimental to children in the state and in America. The commercials portrayed gay people as beasts, as an inappropriate way to raise children...that if Proposition 8 is allowed  to stay on the California Constitution, children will have to be taught about gay marriage in schools and that is inappropriate. These commercials focused entirely on children.

One of the plaintiffs speaks about a moment on the LA locked freeway where he saw a a Yes on 8 bumper sticker and decided he would try to pull up to see who would want a bumper sticker like that on their car. As he pulled up, the look he was given was a WHAT sort of look. He said to them, "I just disagree with your bumper sticker." to which he was given the response, "Marriage is not for YOU people." WOW!!!!!!

My character went on to state: " I really think the state's main concern in regulating marriage, in seeking to channel naturally procreative sexual conduct into stable and enduring unions is - to minimize what I would call irresponsible procreation. It's not a good term, but I can't think of a more serviceable one. And that is, procreation that isn't bound by social norms and that often leads to children being raised by one parent, or the other or sometimes neither parent."  IRRESPONSIBLE PROCREATION?????

What angers me about this term is that obviously, as a gay man, I am not able to have a child naturally. Never ever EVER is a child for a gay man "irresponsible". They are planned, wanted, and many of us struggle to make this happen. If anything is more wanted in our lives, it is a child, who carries our own DNA, our own little piece of ourselves, a little ounce of our own mortality. One of the plaintiffs goes on to say, " You two are about the most responsible, important, meaningful things I will ever do in my whole life and don't you let anyone ever make you feel differently."

In regards to adoption and foster care, gay and lesbian parents outweigh the requirement of the biological parents as, "The studies show that adoptive parents, because of the rigorous screening process that they undertake, actually on some outcomes,  outstrip the biological parents in terms of providing protective care for their children." I found this particularly true and real for me. This truly struck a chord with my heart and head.

The play goes on to discuss the term marriage versus civil union. We could give the gays their civil unions with all the same rights and regulations provided heterosexual couples. However, the plaintiffs go on to state that even the term "civil union" still annotates not the same meaning as "marriage". "Husband" or "wife" is not the same as "civil partner" and still makes it second rate/ "separate but equal" type of label. Even more chords struck...

The discussion that followed was very truthful, emotional, and accepting. So many wonderful things were said. So many angering comments were made...not in a negative way...but eye-opening. One woman even stated that she had just married her partner of four years in Iowa, yet this marriage is not recognized in her home state...something Justin and I battle with. She went on to state that she had also had a partner of 30 years, prior to her current wife, who lost her battle to cancer. And in the state we live in, she had little to no rights as a "life partner" as any Joe on the street. That infuriated me. This woman had nursed this poor woman through to the end of her life...after 30 years!!!!

So the Supreme Court hears these two very important cases this week and they should have final decision and statement by June. My hope and prayer is that it is the correct decision that comes down so that J and I can get married and have the exact same rights as our straight friends and neighbors.

Thank you, Dustin Lance Black, for giving me such a profound, thought-provoking evening of theatre and discussion.

Positive or Negative?

I am guilty...
I spoke from regret...

A friend of mine called me needing help with situation that he needed my feedback on. He has been going on a couple of dates with a man who he really finds himself enjoying spending time with. On one of the dates they went on, the date turned to a discussion of the fact that the man was HIV positive. My friend just was not sure how to handle this information. He needed feedback, my thoughts, and wanted to just bend my ear. As we chatted more, my friend added that his date was 10 years into this diagnosis, 8 of those were basically symptom free, being on today's medications.

My thoughts immediately turned to David, a young man I went out with in my past. I remember his shyness, yet was drawn to the sparkle in his eye and his sweet smile. After a few dates, we headed down that awkward conversation my friend had just gone through. I have to say that I handled the situation poorly. David mentioned that folks treated him as an outcast once they found out his news. I have to admit, I kept my calm outside while the inside of me was tearing apart with lots of questions and in freak out mode. I did not handle it well at all and we quickly parted ways and I sadly upheld the horrible mode of dating life David had become accustomed to.

I have regretted the way I treated David after hearing his news. My dating history is sometimes not a good one. This was year's ago and although the risk of getting HIV is still prevalent, with today's medication regimens, the disease is almost undetectable. Safe sex is still a must obviously but thankfully longevity of life is more prevalent today with these huge advances.

Where my self-disappointment is that I have very good  friends who are HIV positive. Why would I go into freak out mode like this with someone who was being completely honest with me? Why would I turn into a douche bag and not call David back? He was so shy that he never called for another date, which was probably ok as I was not in the right mind set at that time...

I feel horrible about the way I treated David...

Yet when the friend called to ask, years later, for my help and assistance, my thoughts turned to David and I spoke to my friend in a mode of regret of how I should have handled the situation and discussions. It seems that my friend is on the cusp of a really great adventure and his date is open and honest and forthcoming with his diagnosis. I encouraged my friend to do some soul searching, some research, get your heart caught up with your head. I encouraged him to keep an open forum with the date to let him know that he is open to dating, that he is doing some soul searching, and that he is very interested. The discussion went very well on Saturday eve and for that I am grateful. They are going to continue dating while my friend works through everything. Taking it slow, which is the best route to go for any beginning relationship. Four seasons as my Mom says. My friend even mentioned the possibility of going through counseling which I think is a wonderful idea...if only I had been as knowledgeable...

 I can live vicariously through the friend and know that years have tempered my thought process.