Ebb and flow

Here lately, I have experienced the feeling of waves and water and in my moments of pause and reflection, I see the ebb and flow of life, my own in particular. There are times when I can see that I was struggling to make the world see what I saw, feeling the sting of the tough hurdles, and putting on a mask to hide who I truly was deep inside. It is hard to remind myself that I also have to give myself the right to relax, the right to breathe and calm myself and live my life to its absolute fullest. I have the right for good things to come to me. I have the right to feel what I feel and it is ok with God.

Many of you know that I can maintain a hectic pace. The schedule kicks in and the blood rushes to my head and I begin the pulse of this and that and struggle with the ins and outs of a busy day, week, month. I know that if I reread my journals from back when I was in my twenties, it would be filled with romantic angst, my struggles to find my Prince Charming, and to find joy while I tried to make a name for myself. These angst-ridden, "woe is me" passages of hit or misses, all the while loading my schedule and beginning my search for personal success and gain. All the while worrying what people thought of me.

I entered my thirties and found that the struggles continued and the masks got deeper and facades were put together to maintain what I wanted people to see in me. I see this in so many around me as well. We all struggle with this to differing degrees. I know that I am not alone in this.

A friend recently sent me an email that basically stated that she disagreed with the title of my blog, "Musings of a Wayward Soul". She disagreed with the use of the word "wayward" stating that I have always known what I want to do with my life and have driven myself to achieve and experience all that I could in my life. This is true. This example is correct. This is the appearance of "having it all together" all the while having an undercurrent of "What the HELL am I doing? Can I make it through this? Can I get this all done on time? Can I do all of this and remain nice and calm and friendly and treat others as I would want to be treated?"

I think we all have a certain amount of this undercurrent in each of us. It is all in how we present ourselves to those around us and try to ignore or address that wrascally inner critic, who can self sabotage ourselves in an instant. I have found that this does continue even into the adult years... we fight this inner critic whole heartedly through the awkward high school and college years, failing miserably, even going as far as to skip school reunions doubting ourselves and where we are in our lives in comparison to others. I do find that as I grow older, I do become wiser and the caring what others think becomes less and less and I focus more on the happiness of my loved ones around me as well as achieving my personal goals.

One of the things I need to work on is just going with the flow. The last two years have been filled with schedules and struggles and classes. Trying to achieve a goal and get that teacher's license. At times, I think that my students were the first to feel the pressure in my voice, to notice the agitation in my personage and aura. Funny how perceptive they are, huh? Numerous times, I had students come into my class room, on those particularly stressful days, immediately sensing that I was in a mood and mention if I was feeling ok and just seemed like I was in a bad mood.

In reflection this summer, I have decided I am going to try my hardest to breathe, to feel the ebb and flow of the a calming experiences I have had during my summer adventures and trust that the schedule will get done. I will try to maintain a calm and try not to get overwhelmed. Stay out of drama and not get involved in the pettiness that sometimes enters the ebb and flow of my life. To take the time to really "LISTEN". When the hum of the ratrace kicks in, reminding myself to take time to just "LISTEN"...to those around me...to my thoughts...to my heart. Find my inner quiet calm. To be able to say, "I cannot control that for you." when others place their expectations and observations on me as a person, where they think I need to be what I need to be doing, etc. "That does not work for me".

The schedule will not let up this year, I already know this. The difference is in how I think I need to deal with it when I feel the agitation. Remind myself to Breathe, maintain a self-awareness, to think of this moment watching the jellyfish float effortless through the calm blue water...Is there truly anything better? The life of a jelly fish? Floating though a calming environment?

Just the random thoughts of a wayward traveler in this world...trying to make his way through the race of life...

Leaving Barcelona...

So we left Barcelona and hopped on a bus for 7 1/2 hours en route to Madrid. We saw lots and lots and LOTS of landscape. We stopped in this tiny town on our way....Zaragoza, Aragon, Spain. The town was filled with history and sights. One of the most inspiring sights for me was a beautiful cathedral built in honor of the the Virgin Mary. It is known as the Basilica of our Lady of the Pillar.

According to ancient local tradition, shortly after the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, the Saint James was preaching in Spain and was completely downtrodden and thinking that the spreading of the Gospel was falling on deaf ears. Story has it that as James was praying for direction, Mary appeared to him and gave him a a small wooden statue of herself, a column of jasper, and instructed him to build a church in her honor.

This sight has seen many formations of churches on its sight. Many expansions and additions to the original structure. The most current one was begun in 1686 and was not fully completed until 1872. The entire inside is filled with gorgeous frescoes by Francisco Goya. Oh my LORD! They were absolutely breathtaking. The amazing shades of blue...like china and the sky and the raised ivory/alabaster designs...from God.

During the WWII, three bombs were dropped into this Basilica. Three bombs!!! Here is an interesting fact and something that moved me beyond words...these bombs never exploded!!! It is believed to be Divine Intervention. They have taken two of these bombs and placed them in one of the columns within the church as a reminder of God's ever present hand in all of our lives and even in the darkest of times. Just to see this alone moved me so much.

This is probably my most favorite sight in Spain. I was so moved to walk through this holiest of places. To see the gorgeous paintings and frescoes, to walk through and witness the awe-inspiring altars of gold and alabaster, the sounds of Latin floating through the air as mass is held. We even walked through the back and the organist began to play the huge pipe organ...HUGE!!!! and Core Shaking! It was AWESOME!!! Have you ever had something that shook you to your very core at the sights and sound of it? There is only one other place on Earth that I have felt this closeness and connected to God...and that was in the Badlands of North Dakota...those starry nights lying on top of a butte outside and watching the meteor showers. Being able ot reach out and touch God.

And here... at the Basilica of our Lady of the Pillar.

It was a sight I want to go back to and stay for a longer period. We just had a few moments here to experience this spiritually shaking sight and I want to go back as soon as I can. I did also purchase my first rosary here and and so grateful for this wonderful experience.

Why is it??

Why is it that when I need the sleep the most...I can't?
This week has been extremely busy and I have only been in it for two days...
But I knew that when I said that the summer vacation was over, it was OVER!!
My summer has been an ongoing adventure after adventure. Life changing adventures and awe-inspiring ones as well. From Paris to Vegas, from Fargo to Fresno...it seems like I am the world traveler.
But my life is shifting in ways that I never would have dreamed possible. Exciting and daunting adventures. Very adult adventures...

While in Vegas, I asked Justin to be my "partner-for-life". One would say we are "engaged". One would say that we are "committed". He and I will celebrate our anniversary this week...2 years together, bracing ourselves for year three! :) And the roller coaster is still as breathtaking as it was when we first had dinner together in Chili's in Rogers on my way through to go up to ND. We recently made it through a two week road trip together and did not kill each other...in fact we never argue. If that does not speak volumes and say "committed" I do not know what does!

I begin my day thinking about him. I end my night thinking about him and every moment in between. I love and adore this man with every fiber of my being and if one were to say that this was a journey I would be on two years ago, I would have denied it to your face. I firmly believe that God has lead me to be where I am, to be who I am with, and to be doing what I am doing in my life today.

The true questions lie in where do Justin and I go from here? This past Sunday, the state of New York began handing out same-sex marriage licenses and couples, who have been together for decades, have been given the right to marry and receive the benefits of marriage.
Everyone asks whether Justin and I will have a ceremony. He wants one very badly. I think he would truthfully just also want to get our families together and have a small something. I know that my friends would all want to be a part of that as well as family...so the conundrum continues. In my head it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger with white swans, men's chorus, and LIZA...thank you Sex and the City 2 for putting THAT in my head! (Justin...you can stop rolling your eyes at me)

What I grapple with is the fact that, yes we can get married in Iowa, and now New York, which is exciting, don't get me wrong. However, at some point, we return to Arkansas and that marriage is not recognized. I do not have the same rights that other people do in America. Ironically, the divorce rates in America sit at around 41% for first time marriages, 60% for second time marriages, and 71% for third marriages...which basically totals 1 out of 2 marriages are set to fail when all the numbers add up.

Daunting as these figures seem, these marriages provide each person involved a certain amount of benefits, including the right to social security and retirement should one partner pass away. Benefits like being in the same room to hold your dying spouses hand as they slip away. Being able to be a parent and have the rights should something happen.

We, as a minority, are not granted these same rights. I look at various stories around the country and well up with tears at all the hurtful, nasty things people are doing to each other all in the name if the Bible and in the name of traditional societal "norms". Sometimes it seems the courts would much rather grant custody and rights to crack heads than to provide parental/ adoption rights to a nurturing gay household.

So perhaps I am darkening a doorstep here? Maybe I just need to lighten up! See I told ya...I am lying in bed and these thoughts are just rolling and rolling and rolling...

Perhaps I should just revel in the lightness of being that my partner provides me? I have found a man I love dearly, who supports me, who nurtures me, who I can look at from across the room at a party, make eye contact, and feel those butterflies flutter and become instantly giddy. Who hooks pinkies with me while I am driving to say I love you. Hell maybe I just need to throw a Damn party next summer to celebrate our commitment to each other, have a small ceremony with family and friends and just be a trend setter. Society be damned. Make the states catch up to US for a change.

And so it goes...

My summer has abruptly come to an end...with only two weeks left before I report back to school...I ask myself, "Where did all the summer go?"

This summer is the first summer in a LONG time that I have been able to do exactly what I wanted and not have to worry about any sort of school or reporting to a job or working at all.

To all of the naysayers that chant that teachers have the easy life where they work for ten months out of the year and then get to rest and relax for two months...I say you just don't get it. Not only are you teaching up and around the likes of 180 students, but you also serve as coach, nurse, care-giver, cheerleader, mentor, structure provider, disciplinarian, entertainer, and are expected to teach bell-to-bell AND hope for the best that they learn something while trying to keep their heads up off the desk. The days are LONG...from sun-up to sun-down and so by the time summer has arrived...we have EARNED our break. My day begins at 5:30a.m, arrival at school around 6:30am, if I am directing a show or prepping for a speech tournament, I am lucky to be home around 6:30/7p.m. and then if there are papers to grade or lectures to prep, then it is a long evening with me passing myself heading to bed while getting out of bed to start it all over...so do not tell me that summers are not earned and much needed. I can completely understand why the burnout rate is so huge for teachers.

This summer has been a bountiful blessing of wonderful adventures. I will continue to blog more about my European adventures as well as the current adventures in California. Not only was I able to experience the Eiffel Tower in Paris, but I was also able to experience The Paris, in Las Vegas, and it's own version of the Eiffel Tower. Quite the sights to be assured!!!

I had lunch with a dear friend today who was telling a past student who joined us that I had had a chance to take a much needed break after working hard for 2 years to earn the title of teacher. It struck me as odd and the more I thought about this...this summer has truly been the first summer in a long time that I was able to do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted, and was blessed to not have to work and just enjoy my break. I have worked every summer, either performing, or in retail, or directing, or studying for tests and going through the Non-traditional Licensure Program in Arkansas. This summer, I think, was the first summer I was able to take off and just enjoy traveling. Summer is a definite perk that comes with this job and to have the opportunity to experience this wonderful land of ours through the car windows? To see the world through an airplane window, waiting in breathless anticipation of the upcoming overseas adventures?...Priceless and ones that I will NEVER forget.

And so, two weeks from today, I return back to the school for professional developments days and three weeks from today the students will walk through my doors with a new year beginning. I cannot say that I feel refreshed...perhaps this has been a summer of too much travel...but oh the stories I can tell...not only to my students and fellow teachers...but also my family and children!! And for this I am eternally grateful!

Just the sight of this...

MADE MY BLOOD BOIL!!!
Especially when right down the street gas was on sale for $3.39.
THANK YOU SHELL and MOBIL and CHEVRON for GAUGING our eyes AND our frickin pocketbooks!!!

Gaudi's Sacre Familia

We have already discussed the impact that artist Antoni Gaudi has had on Barcelona. Nestled in the center of the city is a unfinished masterpiece that has people flocking by the thousands. It is his cathedral known as "Sagrada Familia" and was begun in 1882. He designed the cathedral to have four sides...three of them would each have a design of one of the moments in Christ's life: Nativity, Passion, and Glory. Gaudi dedicated the last years of his life to this design and construction of this awe inspiring monument. He died in 1926 and less than a quarter of the project was complete. It is not complete tot his day, but is a work in progress. If I remember correctly, cathedral completion is scheduled for 2026...the anniversary of Gaudi's death

This one obviously is "The Passion" Gaudi placed himself at the foot of the cross and if you look closely...this is the inspiration that George Lucas took to design the stormtroopers. I wish I could place arrows on these pictures to show you the examples. Just trust...

This is the "Nativity" side. Note the "Christmas tree" design on the top of the doorway. AMAZING!!

Kinda busy...but amazing.


The work continues on the "Glory" side of the cathedral. Scaffolding, plastic, and suspense looms on this end.

On a side note: The throngs of people in the area was immense! I had the same rush of heart beats here that I experienced in the McDonald's in Paris and in the streets of New York. This thought process leads me to believe that maybe I am a tad bit claustrophobic and don't like to be large large LARGE crowds...my pulse races, heart rushes, and I just get tense. The quicker out of there the better.

Makes me sad realizing this at such a sacred, holy sight.

Various FOOD from Europe...

This is an amazing chocolateria in Paris... Yes, friends, that is pure chocolate stiletto sculpture. I know you are all shocked to see this in my blog. I loved it. May have bought some cool things from here...

Most gardens in Europe seem to be built on a hillside...I love the fact that fresh vegetables will be right outside your door when you get up in the morning. YES PLEASE!
SHOCKED!!!!

Yes that is a restaurant named "Nebraska"...made me think of home!




Tried two new things on my European adventure that have "ruined me for life"!! LOL!!!! Those would be SANGRIA and PAELLA!! Funny story...so Jen, Liz, and I took the kids to an open air cafe/bar plaza where we were trying to find some dinner and casually hang out for the evening. We found this loverly restaurant and after going through the process of "trying" to get seated...which believe me was a HUGE process...we ordered tapas, sangria, and paella...Liz and Jen ordered seafood and chicken and after the day of being in the open air market with the scents and sights and the overwhelming feeling that that experience brought me...I decided to order vegetable instead...(YES friends I was naively shocked that shrimp actually had heads and looked like crayfish...WHO KNEW?) (quit shaking your heads at me...cause I know you are! :)

The food arrived and it was HEAVEN! What a wonderful tasty experience! Lots of laughter, stories, smiles, watching the kids experience this for the first time, hanging with good friends...a truly memorable evening had by all.

This is a usual sight while walking down the side streets of Europe...legs of salted/ smoked ham hanging in the markets and restaurants...now that is FRESH!!

This was a very interesting "trusting" concept for dinner and bars. I am aware of tapas bars/restaurants. There was one in Omaha and had never had the chance to go. Tapas is bite-size portions of food...appetizer-esque. The food arrives on smaller plates to your table. The following pictures are a brand new concept that relies on a great amount of trust. This is called "pinchas" food.(I hope I am spelling this correctly) Upon arrival and drink ordered, you are given a plate. The bar has a large number of appetizer small hand foods to select form, each with a toothpick in it with a sticker on the pick. As you work your way through the food, you just place your stickers on the edge of your plate. At the end of your experience, you take your plate up to the cashier and they ring you the stickers on the plate and you pay accordingly. Know think of this in America...that is very trusting don't you think?

You know me, friends....

In conclusion to this blog entry, I had to include this photo I saw on a side street in Paris...

Who knew that "ASS" came in so many varieties and all cost 8 Euros?? LOL!!!

SERIOUSLY???

St. Josep La Boqueria

This is one of those experiences that was completely visceral...I had heard tell of open air markets being the most amazing experiences of being overseas...

Now mind you...

This is an everyday experience for every European shopper...going to the market to get dinner and yummy treats.

Outdoors.

Open air.

The heat.

The smells.

LMAO!!!

Here is what I loved:

The COLORS!

The variety of fresh fresh FRESH foods...

(did I mention fresh??)

So I found myself taking numerous pictures...I could not stop myself. I found myself snapping photos left and right, and trying to take in everything, while experiencing the smells and sights. COLORS everywhere...smells...sights...AWESOME!

Dried fruits and Candies...

"Organic is Orgasmic"

TRUE???




More candies...

Fresh eggs...of every color...

Fresh seafood...(did I mention the freshness of it all)

UHHHH...

So fresh that these crabs were still moving on the icecap...

UHHHHHH...can you smell this?? Yeah...it did have quite the odor in this area...







YUMMY OLIVES!!!

And fresh Spices...

And Ah-MAH-zing fresh fruit!! LOOK AT ALL THE COLORS!!!

Yes you have to go overseas to just experience the grandeur of the European open-air markets. Yes they are orgasmic. They are sensory overload...a vision of COLORS, SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS...

When you think of living here in America, we do not have this type of shopping experience? Sure we have the Farmer's Markets...but not to this level of AWESOMENESS!!!

Now I would imagine that Europeans would read this and think, "Yeah, AND? You CRAZY Americans and the things you choose to write about!!"

But being a city boy from Bismarck, North Dakota and Arkansas...Yeah, definitely not used to this type of open-air market of this size and experience. One I will not forget!

Did I mention it was FRESH??

The street performers....

All of the wonderful performers in the streets of Barcelona...

One of the HIGH-larious memories: we were walking along the side streets and came out into this open plaza where a group of guys were gathering a crowd to perform their rehearsed hip-hop routine...They came around and gathered up the pocket change and prepared to get ready to perform their signature showcase "move"...and then they just grabbed their stuff and disappeared...and then the police came! LOL!!! We continued to walk around the streets and came back on the same plaza about an hour or so afterward, and the team of performers were back in the same place, performing the same routine...so we caught the signature step regardless of the time frame.

Yes these three guys WHEELED that piano through the streets of Barcelona and began playing Dixieland jazz on the streets...LOVED IT!!!

His costume was AMAZING! He looked so much like a gargoyle with HUGE wings and make-up and for a fee you could have your picture taken with him, which usually resulted in a SCARE.

Was AWESOME!!

Seated.

Statue.

Make-up.

No Chair???

TOTAL DOUBLE TAKE!

Crazy flower guy outside of the SACRA FAMILIA.

For a fee you could have your photo taken with him.

Part of this "street performance" phenomenon is a huge result of the world economy. In all three of the major cities we visited, there were protests by alot of the young people concerning the world economy and the leaders of our world not making appropriate choices. Folks are struggling to make ends meet and they have to do whatever it takes to make those ends meet. Whether it is by swindling money and pick-pocketing, or selling their wares (that are basically knock-offs), or bringing your performance craft to the streets to make whatever money you can to help out.

Quaintness Personified...

One of the wonderful things you will immediately notice about Barcelona is that there is a natural quaintness where you can immediately get lost in the side-streets filled with little shops, cafes, and bars. On our first afternoon in the amazing city, we were given a tour downtown with Sabrina. Street peddlers, Street performers, Souveniors, Cafes where lovers smoke and drink wine, hot heat... We walked down the Plaza de Catalunya and were taken down a side street...

It curved around and then just opens up onto a plaza with the primary focus being this amazing Gothic Church with phenomenal carvings, windows, and huge doors...

I had also a wonderful tour partner. My friend, Jen Curran, who is currently in veternarian school in Scotland, flew in to meet us in Barcelona and join us for some much needed R-N-R. So, Jen joined the crew on this lap of exploring the city. So we grabbed a little gelato in this plaza area, took in the grandeur of this amazing church, got ourselves into a little personal conversation on our own, shed a few tears (more at a later time), and pulled ourselves together. Was very emotional for me to not only be in this wonderful city, but to be connecting once again with a wonderful friend, whom I don't get to see but maybe once a year, talking about some life changing ideas, was a little overwhelming, to say the least. Our friendship is one that no matter how long we are apart, when we are together, it is like we just pick up where we left off...I love those kinds of friendships. Facebook also helps us maintain what is going on in each other's lives...where were we years ago without this amazing feature??

Thank you, Jen for that moment outside the church... it is one I will never forget.

Look at us paying attention to the tour going on behind us...LOL!!!! Such great tour leaders, right??? :)