My most favorite version of this song... Auld Lang Syne

I love this version so much. It is so haunting and beautiful and I love love LOVE her voice so much. Not to mention it is from one of my most favorite televisions series of all time...

'Give it a listen dear friends...

It is such a sad song filled with lyrics that ring so true to me on so many deep levels.

For days of long ago, my dear...

For day of long ago.

We will take a cup of kindness dear

and drink to long ago.

We long for the days of long ago when all of our beloveds were still here. The sweet memories of times much happier of much sweeter. When all family members were still with us and we took for granted those special moments. The laughter, The love. The odd things we remember now that strike you as quirky and quaint.

We two have paddled in the stream

from morning sun til dine;

But seas between us broad have roared

since days of long ago.

We long for friendships that have changed through the years that have grown more distant. The connection is lost and we remembers and long for the days when we were able to pick up the phone on a weekly/monthly basis and reconnect....and now it is s struggle to ever get them on the phone. Too busy. To hectic. Too this. Too that....and it is sad. Yet when the journey paths come back together, is even for a brief moment...it is like we have never been apart...and that does a heart so good.

And there's a hand my trusty friend!

And give me a hand o' thine!

And we'll take a right good-will draught,

For days of long ago.

So let's toast to years gone by and all the sweetness of memories long forgotten. Let's hold close the loved ones who have gone and look towards the sweeter days when we can hug it out again. Let's toast the friendships and to the reconnection and the love we share.

A glance back and looking forward...

I am a sucker for the holidays. I love the feeling of nostalgia, of reconnecting with childhood memories and with friends and family both past and present. I love the food, the laughter, the tradition of it all.

This year's Christmas felt quieter, felt perfect, and was a time filled with good memories. I have mentioned in previous posts that it definitely felt different this year, like I was just not ready for it all, nor was I willing to welcome it all in. I cannot say that it did not continue to feel that way. What I did was just be honest and truthful about my current feelings and just allowed it to feel different and to be open to all the the possibilities as they would present themselves. And you know what? It was okay. It was good. It was fun. It was filled with memorable moments. And for that I am grateful.

And so now we are on the day that we turn the thoughts towards the new year and to resolutions. I have said in the past that I think resolutions are ridiculous for me as I set them and very rarely do I remember or even attempt to achieve them. I have been guilty of setting resolutions that were unrealistic for me to win. And seriously why do we do that to ourselves?

Perhaps we should be kinder to ourselves this New Years and set goals that we know we can achieve.

So I am going to try this new thought this year. I am going to set resolutions that are kinder to my heart and to my  head.

So here goes:

1. I spent a great deal of time last year asking/ praying for patience and guidance. I think this is a honorable gesture and goal. Sure things did not go the way I had planned and the bitterness is still very raw...but I look back and am proud of myself that I was able to wait and watch and pray for guidance through the storm. And I think I emerged on the other side a stronger person.

2. While going through this journey, I found that my prayers were stronger and more frequent and I think this is a good thing. I feel more in line with my goals. I feel more connected to my heart. And I  feel that prayer was what lead me through this...So 2015 will find more prayer and more meditation and more spiritual connection.

3. I will take what I learned and experienced from 2014 in regards to life and use it to look forward in 2015. Hurdles were jumped. A few stumbles were experience...but each had some hard examples I had to learn from each of them. But I think it also prepares me for what is ahead and for that I am grateful. I am excited for 2015.

4. 2015 will be an adventure for Justin and I. Wedding plans are set for June 27th and with that comes the stress, the pressure, the joy, and all the trimmings that go with the event. I am excited for this new journey that I get to share with the man I love and adore. It is a lot of preparing and a lot of expectations. But it will surely be a weekend filled with family and friends, with love and vows, and the beginning of a new adventure together. I look forward to this with great anticipation.

Whatever 2015 brings, I pray that it brings with it health, and love, and laughter, and adventures. I want it to be filled with learning experiences and hopefully one that has moments that take my breath away. 

Much love to you all, fellow sojourners. Wishing each of you a very HAPPY 2015 and may it be filled with great blessings and adventures and filled with lots of love.

Brings tears to the eyes...

I love this song so much and believe so highly in what the power of prayer can do for one's life. The things that I find are so scary...the evolution of hatred and evil in the world, the bloodshed and wreaking havoc in peoples lives for the sake of a cause...but this song brings about so much emotion in my heart...Not your ordinary Christmas carol but a year round carol to hold in our hearts as a true Prayer...

Say what you will about Celine Dion...she is a powerhouse...And Andrea Bocelli has the voice of an absolute angel.

My Dad and I would do an okay job with this one when we would sing it in church...I always love singing with my Dad...it's a blend that I have never been able to match with other folks...and we would always get to a certain point and I would have to hold back the tears and plow through...

What rings true this year more than ever...

"We ask that life be kind...and watch us from above"

"I pray we'll find your light...and hold it in our hearts"

"We hope each soul will find another soul to love."

"Needs to find a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe"

And tears...
Beauty and grace and peace and safety all in one beautiful chorus...

Dusting off the Christmas Spirit...

I just cannot shake it...
Christmas, this year, feels different.
Maybe it is the shortness of the time between Thanksgiving and the Christmas holiday. It just feels faster and more hectic.
We have one more week of school to get students through finals...

Sunday was another one of those wake up Sunday morning and just feeling funky. I have those moments every once in awhile. I went to bed the night before around 8...heck I was in bed by 7:30pm. Just so tired and so lethargic. Lots going on...lots of negative...lots of stuff that is hard to shake...

I have those moments where I second guess whether or not to go to church....to stay home and wallow and do grading and this or that...or get in the car and get my butt to church to hear a wonderful message and sing a few songs and meditate on whats been going on and pray for others...health, healing, security, guidance.

Yesterday was even more of a struggle as I knew that at Dad's church they had their Christmas Contata and at Argenta it would be a message from Will. I opted to spend the morning with my Argenta family...and yet again, I was broad-sided with Will's message...a discussion of shaking off the dust and listening for God's voice saying, "Pick up your things and go to where I have commanded you."

I see this so many different ways and have mentioned this so many times in this blog. We talked about, in open discussion, about taking chances versus having stability in my life...my life is a prime example of both of these things...so many times I have spent in spontaneous movement and then feel the need to settle down and find roots. Have a home. Have a relationship. Have a child. The nurturing of a home with the ability to wrap up in a blanket with a cup of coffee and a good movie...sharing in the days adventures with the man I love and adore...yet feeling unfulfilled or being lead in different directions in different avenues of my life...

It is a struggle.

I believe that old adage of "Leap and the net will follow" and "If something scares the piss out of you, you have to try it at least once..." but feel the need for stability and security.

But how does this regard to the Christmas Story?  Perhaps it is to say you MUST shake off the dust of the Christmas memories, relish in them, hold on to them dearly, for the stability and safety you felt as a child and can feel even today. Hold on to the memories of the Christmas pasts and know that there will be more in store for us wherever the path leads us. To have faith, much like Mary and Joseph did that dark evening when they left, trusting in God to lead them to safety.

Have faith.
Have trust.
Hold on to dear ones and relish in the security they provide, sweet friends.

Carry on, my fellow sojourners, and hold the Christmas Spirit close to your heart, in whatever form it comes in this hectic season...

The power of family...

I have found that I love the mini-picture framed ornaments are a reminder of those you love and adore. One year, I created ornaments out of wood blocks and paint and glitter and ribbon and photos of all my friends. It made my tree so cool...but you know what? I have brought that box out every year and never put them on my tree for some reason...I guess in the hope of getting another tree one year and putting it all up...having just a tree for my fondest loved ones...The box gets opened...photo ornaments get looked at and then put back in the box and closed for another year...one year I will have a house big enough to be able to have more trees...Justin, just close your ears...LOL

Two more ornaments on my tree every year that I always look forward to putting on my tree...

I have many special women in my life. One is my sweet cousin, Sherri. She holds a special place in my heart. She was the first family member, other than my folks, I ever came out to. I just knew that she would get me. She would understand and completely love me. and she has always been there to love me, to support me, to hold me up when the moments were the darkest, for both of us...we have shared so much together. Our life paths are so much the same and you could say we are kindred spirits and I am so blessed to have such a true heart to call family. Her personality radiates over the phone across the miles, You can hear the smile on her face, You meet her and just want to know so much more about her. She is just that kind of gal. She is so giving, so nurturing, so loving and lives each moment for the fullest possible amount. And even though Justin and I will not have the traditional wedding party with the groomsmen and bridesmaids this next summer etc, Sherri is flying from across the country to be there for our special day and will be the one to sign my wedding licence as my witness. I could not be more thankful for her love and support...heck I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face just thinking about it...

Another special woman who always makes my tree and is near and dear to my heart is my dear, sweet friend, Shari...odd that they have the same name and different spellings isn't it?? Shari and I have been friends since the beginning of time...or at least first grade. We have  been through so much. Shari got me through high school. Shari got me through the speed bumps and loved and supported me through the gawkiest phrases of my life...not without the mocking of the gray leather bow tie I wore in junior high for school pictures....how someone could not know then that this one was destined for gayness, I will never know. She brings it up many times....its those friends who know exactly which buttons to push...or punch perhaps...we both have those buttons and that is what makes me smile when I think of her. I love her so much and am so grateful God placed such an endearing friend in my life...as the years have gone forward...our lives have become more and more hectic and our chats are less and less and that saddens me greatly...its those friendships that you want to last, that you want to be able to talk to weeks on an end...yet it now becomes months before talking...I am grateful for the fact that this friendship has withstood the test of time and that it is a friendship that no matter the time between calls or seeing each other, we pick up where we leave off. AH the beauty of such a friendship

This year marked the passing of a family pillar. My Uncle Don is celebrating his first Christmas in heaven...I just felt it was time to make SURE he became a part of this Christmas tradition of mine. And I love the picture of him with my Mom. They shared a special bond between them. But also created another ornament of four very special women also in my life. It was a selfie... My Aunt Doris, my godmother Debbie, and my cousin Stacie with her daughter Alyssa. This makes my heart smile... I have mentioned them quite a bit this year...and I consider each of them  my Christmas blessings this year and every year. A strong example of love. A strong example of creativity and motherhood. Even my cousin  Laura, (sadly not pictured) is such strong woman who exemplifies this.

Here is what my point is...I consider such great blessings in having such strong female leadership and loving examples in my life. My grandmothers, my mother(s), my godmother, my sisters, my aunt, my cousins, my friends are all shining examples of strong, nurturing, loving, honest, Godly women who lead their lives in such strong examples of how to treat others, how to love others, how to support each other in the face of adversity and struggle, and teaching each of us how important family truly is, every day of the year.

I am so thankful for the example they have set...for the lives they lead...and for the love they have shared. 

Who are your Christmas blessings? Go out and get them on your tree folks... a gentle reminder and a smile on your face every year at ornament unpacking

December Makes Me Feel This Way

I think this is one of my most favorite recent Christmas carols...
It has so much more to say and speaks to my heart on such a deeper level...

Every Christmas season it becomes my hope and wish that the world be new and precious as a newborn.
That all of the hatred in the world would disappear...that I could have that proverbial Miss America moment and promote world peace and puppies.
And that I truly see the love radiating from every face.

This year there seems to be a disjointed intensity to the holiday season...whether it is the shortness of the holidays this year or the craziness one hears on the television every night during the news...the world is different and there is a harshness that resonates through the happier wishes of Peace and Goodwill to all men...Can't we just get back to before? Or have we passed that point of no return...

I feel more lost this year than ever. I feel more disjointed, not connected it seems. Perhaps it is exhaustion, perhaps it is the common tone of the country and world in general, perhaps it is where I am...the end of the semester...it seems that love and peace are being tested it seems.

What I need to remember is the bridge to this carol...

"This spirit will guide me...

Whenever I am lost, it's gonna find me.

And when I am unsure, it will remind me,

Of who I am, what I can be...

December lives inside of me."

We all have the potential within us to create goodness where we are...it doesn't just go away when the last box of ornaments have been put back in the attic, yet we are so quick to jump back into the schedule and we forget...the innocence of that child's face on Christmas morning...the peaceful falling of the snow outside a frost covered window.

I am a better person for Christmas.

I am a more whole person with my fondness for the holiday season and who cares if Christmas throws up at my house...it makes me happier and calmer and a better person to have the joy in my heart and in my home. I need the gentle reminder that Christmas needs to be inside the heart all year round as a reminder of my potential...of who I am at my very core and who I have yet to become.

Digging through the ornaments and memories....

 

It's the time of the year to haul out the trees and dust off the ornaments and to bring back all of the nostalgia and fond memories of Christmases of long past and not so long ago. Every year I have a tradition of placing some special ornaments on my tree that have very special meaning to me that I thought I would share with you over the next few blog posts.

The first two ornaments have donned my tree every year since their passing. They always go right at the top and are never far from my thoughts as they are at the very core of my fondest memories of Christmas. My grandparents always made their homes open to us, with good food, wonderful laughter, and such joy. 

My Grandpa and Grandma Pete were always filling our hearts with their stories and laughter. They lived in this trailer home in Shevlin, Minnesota and though the house be small, it was filled to the brim, overflowing with love and good cheer. I miss the Progessive dinners and the homemade gift exchange...a chance for family to get together, eat amazing food, and give gifts we had made with love.

My Grandpa and Grandma Higdem always opened their home to us during Christmas. I remember Christmas dinner and having to wait to open presents until all the dishes were in the washer and everything was put away. I was the only grandchild on this side of the family and my grandparents spoiled me. 

At the Higdem's, I loved being able to go into the woods and find a little Christmas tree for the attic where my bedroom was. I would decorate this Charlie Brown tree with whatever lights and decorations didn't make it to the tree in the living room. These ornaments still don my tree today. Folks may look at these and think...WHY? Why those old things? 

But to see those fragile ornaments and be reminded of fond memories...to see my Grandmother's hand-writing on the stocking ornament and to be reminded of these childhood memories is always a source of anticipation for my season...

Too soon for Christmas???

I need Christmas to come a little early this year. I feel the need for the joy the season brings, the lightness, the jolly attitude. The "getting caught up in the beauty of the spirit." The joy. The peace. The merriment. The time for family to get together, create memories and new traditions.

I guess you could say I need a JOLLY ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

One of the things that always puts me in the best mood is by hauling out the Christmas music and movies. My favorites. You know the ones...the ones you drag out and watch every year, much like a holiday tradition.

One of my most favorite movies of all time is The Family Stone. I love love love this movie so much. It is the story of a family as they head into the holiday season, a family who is diverse and loving and bickering and intense. One character meets this family for the first time during the immense pressure of the holiday season. One character is coming of age. One character and his partner are yearning for an adoption to come through. One character is in the final stages of cancer and struggling with how her family will persevere. While at times the movie is a little far-fetched, I still adore it and it still brings tears to my eyes.

Its a movie that every family can relate to. Every family has its struggles. Their own traditions. Their own special moments.This year, more than ever, this movies rings so true to me. My mom and a dear friend are in cancer mode. This year, more than ever, I pray for healing, for lightness of being, for a healing light in their soul.

I also watched for the first time "White Christmas". WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG??? As some of my friends would say, "What the heck, Higdem? You are not being a good gay for not watching this movie." I hang my head in shame much the way I did when I finally admitted that I had not seen Mommie Dearest. HA! HA! HA!

I love the feeling the holidays provide. I love the jovial atmosphere... There are things on my heart and in my head that I cannot reveal as to why I am there right now...but know that this season lightens the load just a little bit. And if a little holiday spirit and jovialness can bring about a little lightness of being in my heart, than I say GOD BLESS IT and BRING IT ON!!!!!

So we will HAUL OUT THE HOLLY and PUT UP THE BRIGHTEST STRING OF LIGHTS I've EVER SEEN!!!

Thank you, Auntie Mame.