5 things I have done that I never thought I could do

Ahhhhh the sharing time...

5 things...
hmm

The very first one would definitely be running for Mr Max. It was so far out of my comfort zone running for a bar title and figuring out how to navigate through it all while being true to myself. The biggest issue with running for this contest was the underwear portion of the evening's competition...I am so body self-conscious that I knew that this was going to be uncomfortable. But I had looked at all the theater seasons around the Omaha area, there was nothing on them that appealed to me, I had had such an awesome time with the cabaret shows I was a part of that I decided to give it a shot. And I WON and became Mr Max 13!!! And what a crazy year ahead it was!!! Emceeing lots of fundraising shows, performing live many weekends of the year, serving the gay community, creating shows for charitable groups I believed in. And there were many things that I look back on and think, WOW. I did that!!! Drag queen jello wrestling. Turnabout shows where the guys become their drag counterparts and vice versa raising money for a charitable cause. Created a Country Western Show where a group of my friends agreed to create a clogging number on the bar in the show hall with all the runner lights behind us...Coyote Ugly STYLE...it was AWESOME!!! Also riding in parades and representing the Max. The brotherhood I have experienced and felt from the rest of the brotherhood since that day has been so amazing. Was a wonderful experience and am so thankful that I did it.

Second would have to be finding the courage to come out. The LGBTQ community have such an uphill climb in regards to this. It is such a struggle, keeping this secret, and wondering who will accept you and who will not.I have been blessed to have been loved and supported by so many throughout this process of coming out. And I would say I was very lucky. But it doesn't lessen the butterflies and angst I feel whenever I have to tell my story to a loved one or a friend who does not know...or even with my students at the beginning of the school year. It was always cautiously and with trepidation at times...But you know what, I have gotten to a point in my life where I feel it is very IMPORTANT and MEANINGFUL and POWERFUL to find your own truth and to be willing to share it with others. I quickly adopted the mindset that if they had a problem with it, that was and is their problem...not mine.... OPEN and HONEST all the way.

It was not an easy road to get to this point and it is worse for others, especially for those living in secret in the Bible belt. Throw God and beliefs into the mix and it is a toxic cocktail. But my road was a fairly smooth trek in comparison to others...with a few bumps and surprises along the way. My mom was the struggle, shockingly. She and I were so close and I know that she had strong hopes and dreams for me that just were not going to be..or it was going to be on a different level...with me at the helm navigating my way through it all. And I was thankful for it.

Third would be finding the courage to move to New York City and pursue a dream and a goal. After living in smaller communities all my life...the choice to pursue a degree from the Actors Studio School of Drama was a huge leap. Granted it did not go as planned and turned very quickly into a "world event" with 9/11...i struggled with disappointment at those moments but never once have I regretted that decision to move and try. The friends I made and continue to communicate with is phenomenal. To watch them grow and learn and succeed is worth it all. I would do it all over again.

Fourth would definitely have to be not shying away from difficult roles in my acting career. Each role brings its challenges and hurdles. Each role brings an attempt to honestly portray a different person with different values, struggles, joys, loves, fails, and issues. What a cool opportunity to tackle someone different than myself and attempt to figure why they do the things thry do and what makes them tick. Prior Walter, from Angels in America, was one of THOSE roles. Suffering from Aids and on the early stages of dementia. Hearing voices. Struggling to not be alone when the end approaches. Trying to remain cool, calm, and collected as your world starts to crumble around you. Something we all experience at times. Prior approaches it all with fear, with passion, and with questions. I learned so much about myself from Prior on how to live life...with a silk kimono and a fiery wit and passion.

Last would definitely have to be...navigating through thus thing called life. This was a VERY difficult topic for me as there were so many things to choose from...but I think that that says my life is well LIVED. I do hesitate quite a bit and can be quite the stickler and old fashioned stick in the mud...i come by it honestly...but on a daily basis I try to remind myself to LIVE. To quote Auntie Name, "Life is a banquet...and most sons of bitches are starving themselves."
WHY?
There is so much to do and to experience and to share with others.
Live it FULLY,  friends!

A struggle with the idea of masculinity...

AH more about masculinity...

What does it mean to be a man?

I have struggled with this topic for years and years and to be honest I still do.

It is so true that men these days are under a microscope.

For their actions towards women.

Their actions towards other men.

And they completely should be.

Some men just don't get it.

They think they can get away with treating women, and gay men, with a sense of disdain. Or treat women as potential conquests.

Whether there is no or not.

And these men try to showcase bravada and swagger and are taught from an early age that this is what you have to be to be considered a man...

STRENGTH ALWAYS.

BE THE PROVIDER.

BE THE CAVEMAN.

BE THE MONEY MAKER.

TAKE WHAT YOU WANT.

But nowadays...

Things are thankfully changing and men are being held accountable for their actions.

My hope is that we will see a huge shift fom our younger generations in how they treat their fellow human beings.

But these men give others a BAD NAME!!!

I think it is time for focus to be placed on redefining what the definition of masculinity truly is.

I think it is okay for men to show emotion.

I think it is okay to let down your guard.

I think it is okay to let women take the reigns and lead.

I think it is important to be honest.

Be a Listener and be open to others.

Be Present and Show your sensitive side.

And to think before you act.

"Empathy is hardest for those in power"

Just look at how male members of Congress have treated women this past year.

Unbending.

Not open to their thought processes.

RUDE and DISMISSIVE to what their fellow Congresswomen have to say.

Shutting them down.

Not letting them speak and have a say.

Not inviting or allowing them to the table to make decisions that relate to their own gender

And it goes on and on.

And it will come back to bite them.

I predict an explosion of women running and succeeding for entrance into Congress not only this fall but in the years ahead.

A shift is coming.

And I could not be more happy to see it evolve.

I welcome it.

Lessons will be learned.

They need to be learned quickly.

Truthfully...

I think it is time to figure out what exactly is our "BEST SELF"

Learn to be honest.

Learn to be a listener to what others have to say.

And break down these walls of what it means to be

Masculine.

Feminine.

Why not just think of each of us as human.

With all a place at the table.

With all of us having an important thing to say.

And for all of us to listen,

Would our world be so much more different this way?

one can always dream...

Body issues

HOLY BUCKETS!!!!

This one is one I should have years of therapy on! Now there's an idea...

There are various ideas and topics and situations that they speak about that rang true for me.

I have never been very comfortable in my own skin. 

From a very early age, I was always self-conscious about by body...too skinny, too tall, gawky, not this...not that...

One memory was when I was in Boy Scouts, we were finished with what we were working on badge-wise and it was suggested that we pass the time by playing basketball. 

I am not an athlete, nor was I ever an athletic kind of kid. 

My dad was with the other fathers and it was suggested that we play it shirts vs. skins and I just melted down. I was not comfortable without my shirt on. 

Never have been.

And sure enough, I was on the skins team. 

MELT.

DOWN.

And all Dad did was pretty much got so angry with me and made me feel so small and say I was being ridiculous and made me take my shirt off.

I was mortified.

 I was skin and bones.

 I was so embarrassed in front of my fellow Scouts which just gave them fodder for more ridicule later on.

And that moment has been with me even to this day.

Yes, body issues plague us all and apply to all of us...not just women.

It begs the question:

How desirable could I possibly be and how do I navigate through this even though I am much older, yet still struggle with this.

It truly is a hit or miss kind of thing for me.

I am not an athlete.

I am not a male model.

I am not a BODY builder.

Yet we, as men, are held to those standards and self-impose these things on our hearts and place expectations on others in this society.

I struggle to find where I fit in in regards to this idea of "Man". 

What does it mean to be masculine? Why does  "being a man" immediately go towards strength, non-emotional, and powerful.

And then you throw in the whole coming out process and that just throws even more of a wrench into self-image and esteem.

I think we all need to figure out a way to broaden what the definition of "Manliness" actually is.

And I do agree that media and society dictates what the ideal body image is and what we all should strive for.

But it is not realistic for everyone.

I think we should all strive to redefine this.

For each of us.

Be a presence.

Be a strong shoulder.

Be comfortable with being different.

"Strength comes from honesty and listening."

I am a work in progress.

The very best advice received...

We all have moments in our lives where we just feel great gratitude for all we have been given...
Advice that we have been given where a light bulb goes off and something clicks. Never to feel the same...

Create your own destiny.
Be thoughtful.
Be open to other's differences. (How important is this nowadays, am I right?)
Trust your instincts. Trust your gut.
If someone shows you who they truly are, trust that.
Be yourself because all the others are already taken.

And how profound are those?

I am so grateful to a whole gaggle of teachers and mentors along the way who have given me so many nuggets of knowledge and thoughtful information that I can in turn share with others. I am so grateful for all the advice so many have freely given to me.
I always felt nurtured, supported, and for that I will always be thankful.
So grateful.
So blessed.

Finding my purpose...

Our purpose changes and molds and morphs depending on where we are in our lives.
Our life's purpose changes depending on personal or professional choices.
It is important in those contemplative times to dig deep and learn to navigate your way through this to discover why and what you believe.

And what struck me was that there are folks, with wide age ranges, that still do not know what their purpose is. And I would agree with that at times...sometimes it is hard to figure that all out. Life is so overwhelming at times that it is easy to forget. to lose sight of what your focus should be on, your life goals and purpose should be.

I KNOW my life is meant to be LIVED FULLY and DEEPLY.
I think I am meant to be here to listen, to breathe, to nurture young people, to inspire others to find their better selves and to help them discover what their passion/ direction in life is.
I also think I am here to encourage everyone I meet to be our better selves, whatever that may be.
Being present to help others with their journey...help young people navigate their way through the crazy LIFE roller coaster, to inspire them to live this life to its absolute fullest potential and to face it all with great empathy.
Remind them that no one really knows what the other is dealing with at that very moment. To share their gifts and talents with other and make this world a better place for all.

I love the idea of living this life as best as we all possibly can.
With purpose.
With importance.
With eye opening focus and strength.
Living it FULLY AND DEEPLY and helping others along the way.

The most important lesson I have learned.

It is important to reflect back on your life at times and remind yourself of all the wonderful lessons this life has taught you.
The people who have crossed your path.
The mentors you have sat with, drank coffee with, and shared your life with.
Think about the important life lessons we have all learned...
What I love about this video series is that it comes from ALL age ranges...
We learn different lessons at different ages...and all of it is important...

Here are a few I loved...

Even if it hurts, you have to be honest.

No one is thinking about you as much as you think they are.

Not to get so overwhelmed. Not to stress.

It is very unhealthy to hang on to things that are bothering you.

Forgiveness is the most important thing you can do. No matter what they have done, FORGIVE, so that you don't hold onto that regret or hatred.

Accept everyone, where they are, for who they are. Starting with yourself.

Don't hate yourself.

If you are not learning, you are dying.

Listen to your heart. Put it into everything you do.

Invest in yourself.

You gotta be who you are...love yourself so you can love others.

Be present.

Living in the now.

What are the important life lessons you have learned in your life?

I have tended to put a lot of mine on this very blog, sharing them with each of you.

Every once in awhile, I think it is important to regroup and reconnect with these lessons you have learned or wished you had learned sooner. A proverbial, "If I could tell my younger self" type of thought process.

If I knew then, what I know now...

But then it would not be living and learning would it?

I look back on all I have experienced in my life, the friends I have made along this journey, the wonderful adventures, the heartaches, the painful conclusions, the exciting celebrations of all things good and true and I just think, WOW. I would not change ONE thing about that journey. I am where I am today for a particular reason. And I must share what I have learned with my kiddos. My friends. My family. 

And I am so grateful for this journey.

So incredibly blessed to be here.

At this Moment.

And able to share it with all of you.

Perceptions...

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I am always trying to teach my kiddos about perceptions and how we have little to no control over how people first perceive us. ZERO ability to control that...first impressions are always important.
It is that zero control that we always have to be cognizant of...

I think some people perceive me as always happy and energetic. Truth is we all have our moments where we just can't do it. We just have to stop and out down the show curtain. We are not always going to be at our very best. We are not always going to be happy and we really don't know what the other is struggling with.

I do, however, always TRY to put my best foot forward.

I think some people think I am extremely approachable and friendly. That definitely is the vibe I put out there. Here's the dealio however...if I am in a large group and you are the only one with me, I will stick to you like glue. I am extremely uncomfortable in large group situations where I do not know any one and at times making small talk is just so painful for me.

Believe me, I know when I need to turn on the energy and charisma and be "ON" but sometimes that can be perceived as fake or too over the top or too much. It is those quiet moments when I am uncomfortable, or awkward, or in a situation that I am not the most adept at navigating through where I am immediately perceived as (excuse my French) a bitch and stuck up.

This may shock some folks, but when I do not know you, I am not the type of person who will go up and introduce myself and start light conversation. It is kinda painful to me...so very uncomfortable.

I am horrible with remembering names. I can ALWAYS remember a face...but to introduce someone to another...YIKES...Justin zings me all the time on this one!!!

Sometimes it is difficult for me to make eye contact. Especially with men. I do not perceive myself as strong and masculine and am not aggressive in the least.
I am not the cocky type.
I am not the sporty type.
And I struggle to work on this, be thoughtful about this, and know that it is an area I need to be better at.

And I know we ALL have various insecurities.
When the woman said, "How to we learn to balance learning what people tell us to become better people and staying true to who we really are?" My MIND was BLOWN!!!

Yes there are times when we allow other's perceptions of us lead the way, overtake us and drive us. We cannot do this. We have to figure out what we are about and put THAT out there. I think it is important this idea of consistently doing a personal check-in and figuring out how to become constantly better. I love this. I think this is so valuable.

"A conscious way to live and a beautiful way to grow"

I wrote.
And Wrote.
And Wrote...
When I could not say it out loud myself...have the backbone to say it out loud.

And all I can think of is YES.

I will continue to write. And tell me story. And strive to be better.

Soul Pancake...in the coming weeks

Hi friends!!

I always try to cover topics that have a point, a thought-process, something I am struggling with or am extremely passionate about. Ranges from music videos to life mottoes to inspirational films.

I wanted to share with you a number of topics over the next few weeks...

I have always found that the You-tube channel, entitled Soul Pancake, has always been inspiring and  valuable. 

Very thought provoking to me. 

Very important discussions. 

Topics that I know each of us struggle with on a day to day basis.

I would love to just add my own thought processes to each of these topics and would love to hear from you as well!!

The struggle is real and am hoping that conversations open up from watching these, places focus on important issues, and gives us the ability to share more about ourselves with each other.

I would love love love that!!!

Take a moment over the next few days to watch each video as they are presented, give me a moment to express my heart on what we have experienced, and give me your thoughts.

Please feel free to comment...

Please feel free to share...

A Light in the darkness...

While watching the CBS Saturday Morning show, they had a segment on their broadcast talking about a light festival being held in the UK call "Lumiere". It started in 2009 in Durham and eventually moved to London as the years progressed. Their first London experience included high-quality projections on the face of the Westminster Abbey and images were absolutely inspiring.

Digging a little deeper, this festival was created to be held during the winter months, significantly the darkest months of our seasonal year. And what a wonderful way to find light in the darkest months than to celebrate light, and movement, and breath-taking illumination of public spaces.
So many cities are moving into this amazing artistic expression of their highest qualities of city life, their outdoor parks and architectural splendors, reminding us of the creativity of the human spirit. Taking it all to that next level and creating ART with technology, with light, with brightness of being...and I am just in AWE.
A couple of days ago I found a presentation of light and projection placed inside of the Notre-Dame of Montreal Cathedral. Oh my GOODNESS, I felt like I was watching a different version of Beauty and the Beast and kept thinking, "How amazing, beautiful, and inspiring." I have included a video here that drew me in...

Definitely would add either one of these experiences to my bucket list. To experience either one of these in person would be spectacular.

LOVE IT!!!

Power of one breath...

I will occasionally listen to the Elvis Duran morning show out of NYC on my morning drive into school. Ever since the announcement of our Presidential future and now reality, they have included within their new segment every morning, the statement, "Here is your daily reminder to take a deep breath"
And of course it got me thinking...
The power of taking just one, deep breath and the capacity of it to move forward...


One breath.
The beginning of all life...
To be the first.

With the power to calm.
To generate thought.

To accuse.
To relax and regroup.

To sustain life.

To be the last.

We must remind ourselves to breathe...

When you feel stressed.

When you are at your wits end.

When you don't feel like you can go on.

To stop.

To breathe.
DEEPLY.

To find your rhythm.

To be present and sit in the silence and just feel

The tidal wave passes over.

Replacing it all with calm 

And a reminder that you can keep going.

That it will be okay.

You can and will get through this...

Just keep reminding yourself....

Take time to take a breath.

Just one deep breath.

And keep pushing forward, friends.

Equality: what it means to me

Let's face it...

Many in this country are not equal.

Many in this country attempt to squelch equality under the name of GOD, 

in the name of POWER, 

in the name of BULLYING, 

in the name of keeping everybody else under a thumb

to get ahead.

To keep people "in their place"

 Many folks have to fight for a place at the table.

And in today's environment

with every journey this country has taken...

I just don't understand WHY

Why are we still here?

Why are we still having to fight?

Why are we still having to stand up to those who are trying to control the truth of life.

Truth of being human.

At it's very core.

When the forefathers place in the divine documents of our country, "That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." I expect that that is how it is going to be. That is how life is meant to be lead...

And nowadays there appears to be exceptions...

Except for you, because of this.

Except for you, because of that...

No.

ALL MEN

ALL WOMEN.

EQUAL.

With RIGHTS from GOD, or ALLAH, or whatever divine presence you believe in.

And those rights are the following...

LIFE...the right to live our lives the way we choose.

LIBERTY...being free to pursue said life free from oppression, free from restrictions imposed by others in power of one's right to a way of life, behavior, or political views.

And a PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

PERIOD.

That is EQUALITY to me.

Now how do we get there???

By speaking out.

By having difficult conversations.

By saying NO.

By holding up a mirror to racism, to bigotry, to indifference, and saying 

NO MORE.

And that would be just the beginning...

More to come, my fellow sojourners...

More to come.

Love Over Bias

Procter & Gamble have done it again.

What an important message.

In researching this advertisement program and what it took to get it together...

Procter & Gamble interviewed many many athletes about their process, about their lives, about their struggles getting to where they are today, their achievements, their hurdles.

What I think is important to note is that their struggle is our life's struggle. In life, we are faced with hurdles, with problems to solve, adventures to have, people to work with, maneuver around, and navigate through. Some do it gracefully, some do not. Some face more and more struggles than others. Some just curl up and stop.

P&G discovered that Olympic athletes struggled to overcome biases about what an athlete should look like, facing prejudices about how an athlete on the world stage should carry themselves, who they should love or how they should live their lives, or even how they worship.

This piece goes on to lift up the role of mother's in this struggle and how they become champions for their child's navigation to achieving their dreams and goals. These mothers are the ones who see so much more...how they see the potential in front of them and their willingness to do whatever it takes, picking up the pompoms of cheerleader, the hugs of comfort, or the sternness of perseverance. Not to negate the father's influence as well. They are obviously just as key to their child's success and advancement. 

More importantly, the film goes farther to encouraging us to think about bias, how debilitating bias can be, forcing each of us to look at our values, look at our beliefs, and how bias can limit human potential and our need to look beyond the elements of things we allow to debilitate and separate us in our lives should actually be things that bring us together, to embrace the differences in all of us. 

Celebrating everything we actually share. 

WE have different skin.

We have different journeys.

We have different people we love.

But we all have goals.

We all have life blood coursing through our veins.

All the same blood type.

And at our core...we are all humans.

We should embrace that deeply.

Things we should ALL keep in mind.

Marc Pritchard, P&G Chief Brand Officer, was quoted as saying the film's theme and goal is as follows, "At P&G, we aspire to create a better world for everyone- a world free from bias, with equal representation, equal voices and equal opportunities. When the world is more equal, society is better and it leads to economic growth."

Amen.

My mother was the guiding spirit of my life and I am so thankful for her guidance, her encouragement, her strong shoulder, her cheerleader stance and for her love and support. 

So as the film ends with...

Thank you, Mom.

Gratitude for this week...and for the year ahead.

So I have promised myself to have a year filled with gratitude and being thankful...because we can all get sucked down with the negativity and craziness this world offers, sometimes on a daily basis.

I have also stolen an idea from a dear friend, Dawn. I went and bought a large-ish jar with a clip down lid, bought some colorful scrapbook paper, and when something stands out to me that I am grateful for...I write it down and put it in my Gratitude Jar. I will go back in on December 31st and look at the year of gratitude...what was important... things I was thankful for...I plan to do this right before bed...for positive thoughts...

So here goes...

I am thankful for friendships that endure the test of time and when together we are able to pick up right where we have left off, sharing the adventures and struggles of our lives.

I am thankful for snow. I am thankful for the soft beauty of it falling to the ground covering all with a white blanket...almost like comfy down.

I am thankful for puppy cuddles, soft blankets, and PJ days when you can just relax and drink coffee and regroup.

I am grateful for my job, my co-workers, the energy my kiddos bring to the classroom, and the excitement they have about competition. This year has been a good year and continues to be good....so thankful.

I am grateful for being allowed to have a creative voice and for a career in the arts.

I pray you find gratitude in your heart and in your week ahead!!! Does a body good! Just like MILK!

Rekindling our own light

A friend on Facebook posted this quote and I LOVED IT!!!
Thank you, ANDY TRAVIS!!!

A thought about gratitude.

It is so important to just be grateful to those who have picked us up when we are down, telling us that we are important, that we are valuable and have an important voice. Gratitude to those who have said that you are special, that you are a creative light, that have provided you with laughter, with focus, with fond memories.

And I am grateful:

To all my teachers who got me here to where I stand. For teaching me self-worth, teaching me great knowledge, for guiding me through the hurdles of life.

I am grateful to all the friends who have loved me, supported me, hugged it out when I needed it most.

I am grateful to my family for loving me, for guiding me through, for being there when I stumbled, for loving me anyways, and for giving me firm ground to stand on.

I am grateful to folks in my life who were there when I just didn't know what to do, when I was floundering and questioning life, or just lamenting why things were not going my way or why things happened the way they did.

If you struggle, or are struggling, with what is next...welcome.

We have all been there.

Heck, we may STILL be there.

And you know what? It's OKAY.

Life is not always kind. The journey can be rough.

It's OKAY to reach out.

To find or ask for help.

To STOP and just BE for awhile.

To REGROUP.

To REKINDLE and find what you were once passionate about.

And to CHANGE.

It's OK to CHANGE.

Change our course.

Change our focus.

But we cannot just sit down and allow life to pass us by.

We have to figure out how to relight that flame and push forward...

onward to new adventures...

towards a life WELL LIVED.

Believing in Yourself

Now I know what you are thinking...

But I like yellow starbursts...

I like the tangy, vibrant, happy color of yellow...

But according to Urban Dictionary, Yellow Starburst was defined as "unwanted, last to be selected, weird, a letdown."

And Pink Starburst is defined as being the most prized of all the Starburst flavors. "If someone is a pink Starburst, they are a very special individual."

So here's the dealio...

This quote is important.

It's a matter of belief...

In yourself. 

In what you want out of life. 

In what you can and will do from this moment forward.

You cannot go through life allowing others to define you, tear you down, or negate your goals and choices out of life's journey.

It is YOUR journey and no one else's.

You have to BELIEVE that you are valuable.

You are important.

That you have a voice and are the PRIZE.

This is a quote I share with my kiddos and something we can all learn from.

Amen.

A celebration of a powerful life

Today is the day we celebrate the life of a powerful man, gone too soon. So much of the television/ magazine/ newspaper interviews over the past few days have raved about the life of Martin Luther King, Jr. and how much of an impact he made on the US landscape in regards to the civil rights movement. 50 year anniversary this coming April of a light extinguished too soon.

Many of the segments are also saying that if MLK were alive today that he would be so sad, that America probably would not be in our current 45 situation, because MLK would have FOUGHT with all of his might to ensure that we would NOT be where we are today. 

He would have FOUGHT to ensure that hatred would not be what seems to be ALLOWED to quickly seep into the landscape of our country's quilt. 

He would not have ALLOWED for hateful rhetoric to be allowed a voice and embraced as okay. 

He would have encouraged all of us to find a way to:

Lay down the burden of race.

Lay down the burden of separation because of skin color, gender, or sexual orientation as it occurs today with so much fire.

He would have been a part of the framework trying to find a way for all of us to lay down the burden of HATE.

I do firmly believe our country would be different if he were still alive.

Our country landscape would be entirely different today if he were still fighting for the unjust actions of others. 

Our world would be entirely different, I think if he were to be here among us providing guidance.

Leading with LOVE.

So how do we move forward from here without anger, without bitterness and hatred? 

We must move forward and find our voice. 

We must find within ourselves the voice, the drive, the courage to stand up and fight for what we believe is RIGHT, and GOOD, and TRUE.

We have got to embrace forgiveness.

We must embrace the idea of speaking up when we see WRONG, when we KNOW in our heart that something MUST be done.

We have to embrace fighting for what we believe in, not in a moment of bloodshed, but in peace.

We have to learn to be okay with being uncomfortable for things to change.

And we cannot forget.

This country was built on JUSTICE FOR ALL...not just the select few.

This song moves me so MUCH!!!!!!!! It speaks to me so deeply.

And I think it can and should become an undercurrent, a life's theme song for us all on many levels...

I am grateful for men and women of all races, of all creeds, of all life journeys with the passion, the drive, the foresight to see the problems/ issues around us, pick up the torch, and move forward doing what needs to be done to make tomorrow a better places for ALL.

We must figure this out and come together.

I bet you didn't know...

16 interesting facts about the ole BBH

1. My middle name is Douglas. The very same middle name as my Dad. The same name as my godfather. The same name as my step-mom's dog...and I try not to be offended.

2. I look back at my childhood and can see a through line where I knew I was gay. I did not come out until 1993 when I finally addressed the elephant in the room and faced my truth. But there were signs very  early on.

3. Wrote a pretty funny monologue/game show called "Catching the Clue Train to Coming Out"...poking fun at all the clues present in my childhood via extra large photos showcasing all the clues that were always there...

4. I am fiercely loyal to my friends and family.  I try so very hard to stay connected to my friends.

5. I am sad that I have friends that I have not kept in touch with and I worry about that...wondering what happened...and chalk it up to life and different journeys...but it still saddens me.

6. I believe in ghosts and their presence in our lives.

7. I believe in psychics and their connection to the other side. I can't explain it but know that there has to be some sort of connection.

8. I try to be kind to all people.

9. I am fearful of this world. I am afraid of living in this world and all that potential for destruction out there.  But with that in mind, I also try to counteract those feelings of fear with lightness and kindness and try to not get overwhelmed by things out of my control...focus on what I can and not get overwhelmed.

10. I have quickly become a huge fan of the Great British Baking Show. So good. So yummy.

11. I am extremely nostalgic. My thoughts wander into the past, wanting so much to go back and relive moments of my life that were amazing.

12. It was always difficult for me to be proud of my accomplishments in my life...I have had to grow into this...finding that happy medium between honoring accomplishments I am proud of, maintaining a sense of humble humility as well.

13. As exhausting as it is, I still love teaching and feel much more settled in...even though there are times when I feel like I am barely hanging in there.

14. I have not found the happy medium between working hard, trying to maintain my schedule and making sure my personal home life doesn't get faulted. And sadly, my loved ones pay the price. Thank GOD they still love me and humor me and remind me and remind me and remind me. And stay...for that I am grateful.

15. I am a creature of habit. If I find something I like, I stick with it. I am not very adventurous when it comes to various things...food choices, drink choices,  out of the comfort zone adventures...and I am trying to be better...try new things...have new adventures....

16. If there is a wig anywhere near...it goes on my head. The goofier I appear the better at times...

It's a question of exertion...

And Bow Howdy is that first part a hard thing to manage!!!!

I am one who has to figure out how to quiet my thoughts. 

I am still a work in progress. 

But honestly...

Can you imagine where we would all be if this were a motto for all mankind?

I think our world would be a bit more soft.

I need to be more heart driven and not head driven. 

I always make the better decisions when I follow what my heart feels rather than what my head spins...

or perhaps it is a combo of both? 

Thinking with your heart and your head?

Powerful stuff folks...

Everything...

If you haven't watched this as of yet...and cannot imagine how if you are living under a rock...but perhaps you should give it a watch.

So many friends have said that she is the perfect choice for our next President...inclusive, thoughtful, enlightened, a strong business woman,  an eloquent speaker, and someone who would feel approachable. 

I have also heard the other side where they are asking WHY would anyone vote for someone who has just as much experience as our current crazy choice. There are so many political choices available who would be just as plausible, if not a better option.

One thing I think 45 has done with his win is bring us back to what we have always dreamt of...yet possibly forgotten...

That anyone can and has the right to run for the office of President of these United States...

The office is not just for senators, governors, or public office holders...

We all have a voice.

We all have opportunity.

But he has also proven that not anyone SHOULD be President of the United States.

I think it is important to tread lightly and keep our eyes open my friends..

Not necessarily jump onto the first beam of light that shows itself...

Sadly we still have a LONG way to GO til we reach that day...

Carry on, my fellow sojourners!

Nicknames I have and the stories behind them

This was a journal entry from Pinterest and it just cracked me up!!

We ALL have had nicknames, some more endearing than others, that have followed us through life. And it changes as we navigate through our life's path.

Depending on the various hats we are wearing at the time.

When I was ALOT younger, I was called BRANDY.

THEN I went to seventh grade and felt older...and came home after my first day and announced to my parents that I was TOO OLD for BRANDY 

and that I would now be just BRANDON. 

I was blossoming into my own.

But all during this time my dad affectionately called me BOOGER (I guess cause I was his little booger) but it fluctuated actually between BOOGER and just plain BOOG. There are some times when I catch him wanting to call me this and sometimes he still does.

My mom would call me Bunkins. And I loved that one very much...but jump ahead to that fateful day coming home from seventh grade and those nicknames were forced out the doors to a more mature calling...

My co workers call me "BBH", which is what I sign my emails off with.

My students, when I first started teaching, had many names for me...

B-Dawg, 

Higgle (according to my giggle), 

Mr. H....

and then I got married...

and my kiddos just didn't know what to call me...

Box? 

Higdem? 

Box-Higdem

Nowadays, my kiddos call me a number of different things and I answer to any of them...Hey BOX. Mr. Higdem...

Mr. Box-Higdem

BH

My closest friends call me just plain "B".

I love my nicknames so much as they kind of define my journey in life and the different hats I wear on a day-to-day basis. They all show transition out of certain avenues and stages of my life as well...and showcase a need to be understood and not be embarrassed. 

They are endearing.

They showcase fond memories and stages of my life.

And I am just grateful for the smile they each bring to my face as I recall these fond memories of nicknames.

At your true core...

It's time to dig down deep and figure this all out.

Figure out what you want out of this thing called LIFE.

This one really struck me.

Oh the times when I just felt the need to belong, to be the life of the party, to be the funny one, to be the one everybody wanted to be around.

Mind you...

I am still very much this type of personality, but I have also found that I pushed myself to be this when I was younger and I just don't want this to be what defines the total idea  folks have of me.

But in the soul-searching and times where I just floundered around, I found myself.

I was on a rat-race and never took the time to figure who I was at my very core.

I was not comfortable in who I was.

I was a persona...Someone I believed was who people wanted to be around.

And it just wasn't doing me any good.

I was sad.

I was lonely.

I was extremely uncomfortable with ME.

I was even fake at times.

I only allowed certain people to be let in and then it was only a select few and only certain amounts of what I would allow them to see.

As the years have progressed, I have pushed myself to be come more open,  more quiet, more contemplative and figure out who I was becoming and redirect to become a more "present" person.

To actually listen.

Pay attention to others around me.

Offer shoulder and heart.

More than I have in the past...

And you know what?

In my allowing myself to be more raw, to be more open, to be more forthright with my feelings,

 to fail, to pick myself up and dust myself off and begin again,

I am finding out more about myself than what I had originally believed to be true.

To be kinder to myself.

To be okay with myself 

and LOOK...

I have learned that there are some aspects I like about myself

Some I am going to work on and try to fix.

A work in progress folks...

And that is okay.

The disappearing thank you note...

I am a huge cheerleader for the thank-you note.

Always have been.

And it seems to be a dwindling art form of showing appreciation, making way for the thank-you text, or the thank-you email, or the thank-you phone call.

And it is making me feel old.

We are currently in a world where we are tied to our laptops, adhered to our cell phones and texting with a fury. We are locked into our technology and forgetting that there is a world outside of the dang cellphone or Twitter account. 

Gratitude should not be allowed to be locked in to a certain amount of characters...

I could go on and on about the lessening and weakening of communication in our world because of technology.

But I think we should make a change.

I think it is something that should come back and experience a resurgence.

I think it is important to express gratitude in a way that will last, withstanding the test of time.

You cannot look back over a text years down the road and have that moment of memory wash over you....of a job well done, of a moment when you wanted to say "you appreciated a gift'" or "a kind gesture."

Each one of the newest ways to spread technological gratitude is very separating, very non-committal, very impersonal on so many levels and it is truthfully very depressing.

However, when you receive a hand-written letter of gratitude on a special card, or paper, it shows time and effort, and heart, 

and great thought. 

It is special.

It is important.

It is something special and can be cherished forever.

I challenge each of you to take a moment, buy yourself a packet of special thank-you notes and send one today! 

Send one to someone who has done something nice for you. 

Send one to someone who has made an impact on your life. 

Send one just to say "thank you for being there when I needed you."

Show some good ole fashioned gratitude today.

It will make someone's day.

It will make your day.

And you will be better for it.

Rethinking Church

Why is everyone so shocked that church membership is dwindling in numbers?

This very topic has been on my brain for quite some time...

Shockingly, over the Christmas holiday, I began to read the book "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown.

I came across a passage that really got me thinking...

Brown wrote, "From the Crusades, to the Inquisition, to American politics- the name Jesus has been hijacked as an ally in all kinds of power struggles. Since the beginning of time, the ignorant had always screamed the loudest, herding unsuspecting masses and forcing them to do their bidding. They defend their worldly desires by citing Scripture they did not understand. They celebrated their intolerance as proof of their convictions. Now after all these years,  mankind had finally managed to utterly erode everything that had once been beautiful about Jesus."

And I could not help but think how true this has become in today's society. 

So many different faith factions, claiming to be Christian and "of Christ" and yet they find it okay to persecute, to ridicule, to preach to, to talk down to, to build walls up to separate themselves from others, and to speak from their pedestals and behind glass windows.

I think many faith-based denominations have lost their way and have become entrenched in their own politics, blindly saying that this is what Jesus was saying or teaching. Over the years, they have taken portions of the Bible and bent the sayings and teachings to their own will and set that as the "will of God" in their own minds.

Blinding themselves to everything else written in the good book.

Turning a blind eye to the suffering right in front of their face.

Hurling their opinions down from their judgement throne.

And in part defacing the teachings of Jesus.

It is sad.

It is not unifying in the least.

People are dying.

People are starving and cold and in need of humanity and assistance

We are cheering the proposal to build a wall to "keep people OUT".

And folks are seemingly okay with this.

We are appearing to be focusing on laws and rules that should separate parent from child, supporting deportation, try to erase what was set before, place people against people and attempting to lessen one race from another, one gender from another, one orientation from another...

...all in the name of Jesus.

...all against what our very forefathers strove to instill in our crude country's beginnings.

It appears nowadays there is a shift happening

If you are a member of the outcast society, you are cast aside. 

You are unworthy. 

You are unwanted.

A modern day leper.

And it is horrifying.

But at the true core of this holy man's teachings, he taught us to embrace each other as brothers, love one another, support one another, and help each other as best we can.

Remember your fellow man.

We each have different shoes on our feet and are on different journeys and we must embrace each others differences and find a way to live more harmoniously...

If only we all would listen...

And yet they are "shocked" because churches are phasing out, becoming seperatist or dwindling...

And folks are not rolling with the times and modernizing and paying attention to the folks around you.

I had found a wonderful faith community in North Little Rock in my Argenta United Methodist family....a once in a lifetime opportunity...

And I just have not found that here in NW Arkansas.

Granted I really have not tried too hard to begin this spiritual process once again because it is just that...

a process.

I am so trigger shy to anything else because of all the horrible shifts out there in America, all the false prophets claiming this, but doing that, all of the negativity, all of the righteous dignity thrown  toward the LGBTQ community...

And life happened and we moved and Mom and new job and such.

But hopefully in the next year I can find a place to call my spiritual home once again to build my faith.

Things you should have said...

I am kinda hit or miss on this saying.

There are so many times when I walked away from an occurrence, an event, an argument or a discussion and just kept thinking, " I shoulda said this! OH WAIT...I should just have said this!!" The prior made plan for difficult discussions is only so good.

There are moments I wish I could have taken things back because I was just being hurtful. 

There are moments I wish I would have never done and could just erase...

purely for allowing my heart to be lighter and angst free.

Yet, there are times when you need to say exactly what is on your heart and then let it go. 

There are times when it is best to just let it go and not say anything.

And for crying out loud, you don't have to put every little thing on social media showing your stupidity and lack of filter.

I think the true sign of maturity and growth is learning to filter

...which goes against this very saying.

I think you just have to figure out how to navigate through each moment as it presents itself.

As one of my mentors taught us, "You have to weigh the pros and cons of a situation or potential discussion, make the best possible decision at that very moment, have the discussion, and then move forward, never looking back. Never second guess or you will spend youe entire life and energy second guessing every little move you make, every discussion you ever had. And you will just make yourself so very tired."

 I think this is so very true. It is all about preserving energy and preventing worry about whether or not you should have said this or handled this situation better than you did.

 There are times when the choices we make or the things we say sets everything into motion that once said we have no control over. From that moment, it is open to whatever will be, will be.

If you feel remorse for something you said or did, I do feel as long as you apologize when you are wrong, hug it out if you are truly sorry and allow what will be to be...life will be better. 

Preserve your energy and let others make their own decisions, let the chips fall as they will.

Do not live in regret of the past.

Look toward the future.

You are better for it.