Sunday, September 27, 2015

Passage



These are from happier times.
These are photos from a long time ago and show a bright, huge spirit. 
A vibrant joyful soul who filled a room when she entered it. 
She passed this along to her daughters and those she loved.

But somewhere along the way, this train derailed...
Leaving mess and sadness in her departure.

My sister Tiffany was the life of the party. She was so much fun to be around. We all had so many laughs and giggles. She had to be the center of attention. And then along came Mike to the family and then the girls and the giggles continued.

But then the Sunday touch base discussions began to shift to something is wrong with Tiff. 
Liquor, by the bottle, was disappearing from our house only to show up in hiding places throughout the house as well as the tree line in the yard.
The more she drank, the louder and angrier she became. 

I think what was happening was that Tiffany was struggling to be the center of attention at every party, while struggling to be a strong mother for her girls, all the while listening to the wrong people for support. 
 Our family began to place the wedge... 
We had too...she was dangerous and vocal and more angry and unrecognizable.
And unwilling to see it all...

While one side of the family tried to get Tiffany to see the error and seek help, the other side coddled her. 
Denial of her true self. 
"My daughter is not an alcoholic. My daughter doesn't have a problem" 
Enabling. 
Selfishly fueling her.
And not listening to the warnings being given them. 
Unwilling to listen through their red anger.
Thinking they were helping her, only doing harm, and helping her downward spiral.

You throw in boyfriends, while still married, who supported her drinking and partying.
You throw in rumors of boyfriends with heroin attachments.
You are forced to make hard decisions to not invite her to huge family events because she cannot hold her own and has angered to many folks.
You throw in Tiff's propensity for seizures and you begin to think, sadly,
"When are we going to get that phone call telling us Tiff has left us."

And the phone call came.
And it was still a hard phone call to take.

All we are now left with is sadness and emptiness.
The enablers are left with guilt and lots of questions.
The what-ifs, the why did we not take care of this, how could we have not seen this...even though the warning signs were blatant and in your face.
Autopsy results do not lie.
That's something that they will have to deal with on their own and live with.

I however am angry.
I am sad.
I am pissed off at Tiffany 
for allowing this to happen AND to leave behind two little girls.
One JUST celebrated her eighth birthday and Tiff missed it.

I think our family is all feeling the same stuff.
We know what we did was right.
We know that there was nothing we could do.
We are angry that we were forced to separate ourselves from her because she could not find it in herself to reach out and get the help she needed even 
though we tried to make that happen.

And all were are left with right now is 
SILENCE.
Her voice and big spirit is gone.
She has left the room and the air has been sucked out of it.

And the quiet is deafening.












Saturday, September 19, 2015

Why would we go back??

Hillary brought up a very good point in her speech when Justin and I were able to attend a fundraising event here in Little Rock this summer. She stated, and I paraphrase, "Nothing the Republican party says is forward thinking. All they want to do is change what has already been created. Why would we go back?" And it got me thinking and pondering and wondering...But it also locked me in my steadfastness when I have thought about all that has happened in my life over the past 9 months.

There is NOTHING anyone can say to me that is going to sway my thoughts and my heart on this batch of circus clowns known as the Republican party candidates. They are SO FAR RIGHT that I find it hard to believe that ANYONE can bring them back to the center a bit so as to not offend folks and bring us all back together... They have offended women, they have offended the entire Hispanic population, they have offended the entire gay population, and it is my hope that they offend themselves right off the ballot and out of the running when it comes to voting time.

Now I am not entirely sold yet on any candidate, but when you try to stand up behind your podium and tell me that the color of your skin or the size of your pocketbook provides you the opportunity to be a bigot, to be hateful, to be racist, to tell anyone who is not you that you cannot live in the land of the free and the brave, I have a problem with that.

I have a problem with someone of the opposing gender trying to tell women how to live their lives and promising to defund a particular business because of rumors...I have a problem with that.

I have a problem when one candidate decides to NOT say ANYTHING when some loud mouth stands up and disrespects the name of our current president... and continues the same ole REPUBLICAN rhetoric about our President being this or being that...something they have done for the last 6 years...all in the name of patriotism...when all it is is disrespectful and shows a lack of maturity and quite frankly, supports a common theme throughout the entire Republican party...an unwillingness to work together for the COMMON GOOD OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. I have a HUGE problem with that.

This President has not been the best all the time, but when you look at the crap bowl he was handed and where we are today...it is like night and day...and that says ALOT...Don't even get me started on equal rights!!!! Justin and I would not be where we are today if it wasn't for this current President and the tone he has set throughout DC and the entire country in regards to gay rights and marriage.

This government is BROKEN and needs an overhaul. But then heck, so is the American population. When one woman and a Republican presidential candidate think they are allowed and entitled to break the laws set forth by the Supreme Court, there is something wrong. Do your DAMN job or get out of the office so that someone can. It is not a question of your religious right and duty...this country was birthed out of the need for a great pursuance of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and was formed strictly with the idea of a separation of church and state. DO Your JOB or get out of the way of advancement. And that particular Republican candidate should open up a law book and give it a read...hell open up a high schooler's American Government book and do some studying...and you want to be President...disgusting.

I am tired of all of the BS. I am tired of all the crap being said on television. And we get so many more weeks and months of this to look forward to...

THANK GOD!!!!
(Heaven help me. I may have busted a gasket.)

Go about your daily business...nothing happened here...just a regular ole day...