Passage

These are from happier times.

These are photos from a long time ago and show a bright, huge spirit. 

A vibrant joyful soul who filled a room when she entered it. 

She passed this along to her daughters and those she loved.

But somewhere along the way, this train derailed...

Leaving mess and sadness in her departure.

My sister Tiffany was the life of the party. She was so much fun to be around. We all had so many laughs and giggles. She had to be the center of attention. And then along came Mike to the family and then the girls and the giggles continued.

But then the Sunday touch base discussions began to shift to something is wrong with Tiff. 

Liquor, by the bottle, was disappearing from our house only to show up in hiding places throughout the house as well as the tree line in the yard.

The more she drank, the louder and angrier she became. 

I think what was happening was that Tiffany was struggling to be the center of attention at every party, while struggling to be a strong mother for her girls, all the while listening to the wrong people for support. 

 Our family began to place the wedge... 

We had too...she was dangerous and vocal and more angry and unrecognizable.

And unwilling to see it all...

While one side of the family tried to get Tiffany to see the error and seek help, the other side coddled her. 

Denial of her true self. 

"My daughter is not an alcoholic. My daughter doesn't have a problem" 

Enabling. 

Selfishly fueling her.

And not listening to the warnings being given them. 

Unwilling to listen through their red anger.

Thinking they were helping her, only doing harm, and helping her downward spiral.

You throw in boyfriends, while still married, who supported her drinking and partying.

You throw in rumors of boyfriends with heroin attachments.

You are forced to make hard decisions to not invite her to huge family events because she cannot hold her own and has angered to many folks.

You throw in Tiff's propensity for seizures and you begin to think, sadly,

"When are we going to get that phone call telling us Tiff has left us."

And the phone call came.

And it was still a hard phone call to take.

All we are now left with is sadness and emptiness.

The enablers are left with guilt and lots of questions.

The what-ifs, the why did we not take care of this, how could we have not seen this...even though the warning signs were blatant and in your face.

Autopsy results do not lie.

That's something that they will have to deal with on their own and live with.

I however am angry.

I am sad.

I am pissed off at Tiffany 

for allowing this to happen AND to leave behind two little girls.

One JUST celebrated her eighth birthday and Tiff missed it.

I think our family is all feeling the same stuff.

We know what we did was right.

We know that there was nothing we could do.

We are angry that we were forced to separate ourselves from her because she could not find it in herself to reach out and get the help she needed even 

though we tried to make that happen.

And all were are left with right now is 

SILENCE.

Her voice and big spirit is gone.

She has left the room and the air has been sucked out of it.

And the quiet is deafening.