The source of all the drama from weeks passed...

Our new front door. I sign the papers hopefully tomorrow at some point. It has been a long arduous process and I find a lot of hopes and dreams placed on this pad in a sweet little cul-de-sac in Jacksonville, Arkansas. I am about to place the Welcome Mat out for each of you...

Justin is laying out the scope of what his office area will be like. It is the larger of the two guest bedrooms. I think we have decided on a Retro-styled office area, with book case, entertainment center, and a funky 50's styled metal table for a desk. Stripes on the wall like a Comic Book and his THOR and Green Lantern Movie Posters on the Wall...His own oasis, if you will, but I am sure that I will have some space in there as well...

So I am thinking...dark tile, granite countertops, and a really cool glass/ aluminum tile back splash in a blue motif. The cupboards are already updated I think...new silver handles and a done deal

We are thinking light grey/ light slate blue walls. Painting the fireplace a charcoal color and lose the curtains. (Anyone want them...they are up for grabs) Maybe some really cool STEEL grey curtains with TEAL and LIME accents. SHINY Silver lamps and yummies...AWESOME!!

I am so excited about this the most...MASTER BATH on the left...and a WALK-IN Master closet...I joked with Justin when we first saw this..."And where do you plan on putting your clothes? This will just fit!" The funny thing is that I have joked with Justin about wanting my Carrie Bradshaw moment and a "REALLY BIG CLOSET"...and DONE...

And the first thing to be thrown...this loverly piece of art that was left on the counter in the Master Bathroom. Anyone want this glorious piece of work as well?? Just sayin...you may have to fight for it!

Out of my control...

Now I do not mean to bitch and complain.


I am trying to remain positive.


I firmly believe that the positivity you throw out there will come back to you triple fold...


But buying your first home is for the birds...


And it is something that is "out of my control".


I have found myself at various stages of my life, trying so hard to be able to provide some sense of direction in my life and have allowed that to flow into the lives of those around me, feeling I could direct their life as well. Howeverm I quickly learned my lesson. A therapist, post 9/11, told me, " Now what I want you to do, Brandon, is try to direct your Dad's life for him. Right down to the most minute detail." I tried and tried to think of how to do this. I had struggled so much with his choices and the trauma of him not retiring from the military and being activated to Germany for a year, in harm's way, on foreign soil, with freakshows terrorizing our world, and being away from his family. I told Penny, "I can't do that" to which she replied, "Then why are you trying to?"

It is difficult for me to be able to direct my own life, achieving the goals I have set for myself, remaining a positive force for those around me, trying to complete the massive schedule of being a teacher, a partner, a brother, an uncle, a son. And I stumble just like many of us do...trying to make everything fit.

I was asked yesterday why I do not sing in the church choir and all I could think of was, "I have so many balls in the air and if I throw one more thing up there to try and juggle, I am going to stumble and fail miserably." Forgive the BALLS reference...but its the best visual I can provide at this time...

SO as many may know, I am in the process of buying my first home. Justin and I found this wonderful home and have been working with a realtor since the beginning of August. We have made numerous offers on different homes. The bank has been very focused and checking and double checking to make sure that all the T's are crossed and the I's are dotted. However, being new to this process, it has not been without a great deal of bumps. Closing date has been pushed back twice. Paint colors picked and getting the hopes up. Ideas for this and that. Hopes crash. And then the cracks show a bit on the inspection. Not major cracks but enough...

Seller is granted and expected to pay $240 for repairs...does not want to repair anything as he does not live in the state any longer...but states that he will just give me the $$$ at closing. CANNOT do that for an FHA loan and so if I wanted the $$$ I would have had to ask the bank to rewrite every piece of contract they had. We bowed out of that portion but still felt a little hot under the collar about it.

Not sure when to set up the appraisal inspection so close to the buyer's inspection and trying to figure out just exactly what I must fix, whether the seller needs to fix stuff, before we can schedule the appraisal... Pushed back a closing date because of it.

Thinking we had insurance...Knowing we had insurance...Cannot seem to get my agent on the phone...bank calling...I hear from both the bank and the insurance agent: I have faxed this...I have faxed that...She won't return calls...I have faxed it back...All of the sayings from everyone supposedly supposed to be organized and well-versed in the ways of home buying...and yet out of my control. I cannot control how unorganized you are. I cannot control your fax machine. I cannot control the fact that the closing date has been pushed back three times...I cannot control the seller's agent's attitude, how this is somehow my fault. I cannot control my anger at having students in my classroom looking to me to give them direction for our weekend speech tournament and I am on the phone in the middle of a conference call between the bank, the mortgage company, and my insurance company trying to figure out why it is not as easy as changing the date on the policy from the original closing date to the newest one, even if ALL the information is exactly the same...and NO I am not going to pay for insurance on something I have not closed on and should be built into a mortgage. I already am having to fork over thousands of dollars on a down payment and Earnest money...so No I will NOT do that for you...

And I KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS!! I have heard from so many of you about your own trials and tribulations! Thank God for the love and support of friends and family.

What I can control is my HAPPY Attitude. The thought that we should, if all things go as planned, have keys in hand, as of tomorrow eve.

Paint colors can be mixed.

Boxes can be loaded and finally went through after three years of storage.

Memories can be sifted through.

Dishes can find a home.

I can finally set some roots.

And Justin can finally be a part of my home.

Life is good.

And all the while...I know that God put this on my plate to see just how much I would learn form this experience.

This becoming an adult is HARD! I know you catch my drift!!

A new experience...

Tonight I experienced a new adventure. Tonight Justin and I went to a brand new friend's public poetry reading. She is a published author who was asked to read some of her poetry along with a fellow published novelist, both have recently just moved to Little Rock at a local college.

It was a moving experience filled with the power of two very talented writers' words and thought processes. It was invigorating to be in the presence of such powerful words, spoken by their creators. Such moving stories and ideas being bantered about. Immersing yourself in the power of a story and the written word.

One of the ideas presented that I walked away with and wanted to share with each of you this evening was an idea of keeping a box filled with note cards. A memory box if you will. The idea is as follows: each night you fill out three note cards. On the first card you place a "writing from within". This could be an inner most thought you have had during the day. Perhaps it is something you are carrying deep within your heart, or is just in the inner most resources of your mind.

On the second card, you place a "writing from without". This is a writing on something that occurred during your day, something that occurred in the world around you. It is the outer core...what is going on around you...

On the third card, you place a "prayer" and it truly can be for anything. A prayer for guidance. A prayer for forgiveness. A prayer for whatever you wish to pray for.

Seems pretty basic, I think. and yet I think if utilized successfully, it gets you out of your head and gets what is inside your heart on the paper and places it inside a box for safe keeping. I think a journal could be just a successful or a blog. Whichever you choose, it becomes very personal and am able to search your own creative processes and put the words onto your own page of life.

How is it possible...

...that 10 years has passed?

You keep hearing that time heals everything. That you slowly will forget the sounds, the feelings dull a bit, that the moment fades and all you are left with are memories that are softer, not as crisp. You forget the smell of the air. You forget the rush and pulse of the heart beat, the feeling of light-headiness, and the sound of screams as people push their way to escape.

It all reads like a well-organized horror story.

I have blogged about this before in passed passages. One would think that it gets easier, yet it really doesn't. The day approaches and you know that the feelings will resurface, the the television is going to replay the events over and over. That CBS will play the live footage inside the buildings during their documentary 9/11. How difficult it still is to watch for me.

I have found that my friends who lived through this together with me are dealing with the same things. I have reconnected with so many of my friends from The Actor's Studio School of Drama over the years, but this year, it seemed harder to bear, more emotional. I found blog entries telling in vivid detail what they went through. I found that ten years had not softened the horror of the day. I found that my friends were all going through the same emotions, some even stating that they would be turning off the television over the weekend as it is too much. I would agree with this statement, yet I did not somehow do this. I instead turned on NBC and watched the dedications of all three memorials, seeing the pain on the families faces as they scribble the pencil over the paper, showcasing the name of their loved one. I could never ever EVER imagine the level of pain they deal with every day. Does it soften for them? Does the pain dull for them? I cannot even compare what I go through to anything they experienced.

I found it extremely difficult to stop the tears all day long. Just was completely teary. In church, asking God to help the pain pass and heal my heart. Talking with my mom, someone whose voice I was so thankful to hear on the other end, trying to get through to her once the second building fell. I remember the struggle we all had getting in contact with all of our loved ones. We had to cram into tiny school offices helping each other get through the minimal phone lines to our loved ones.

I had to leave the room when the documentary came on. I have not been able to watch it since the five year anniversary. I forced myself to watch it back then. And experienced the pain of seeing the faces of firemen who I know lost their lives. Seeing the rubble. Hearing the breaking of glass. Hearing the dull thuds as people took their lives into their own hands.

I found it difficult to explain to my students today who were first and second graders when the planes hit. I struggled through the retelling of the story of that day and the days that followed.

I tear up today. I tear up for the faces of children who have forgotten their parents faces and voices. I tear up for the children who read the names and add their personal goodbyes. I tear up for the firemen and policemen who deal with the loss of their brothers and sisters, all in the face of terror and becoming heroes. I tear up that we are no longer innocent bystanders in the world arena. I tear up at the site of "Reflecting Absence" knowing that those are the sites that so many lost their lives and cannot think of a more fitting memorial.

Yu U Nubuntu

These are words from a wonderful book I happened upon a while ago by the honorable Desmund Tutu. It covers the topic of belief and how it encapsulates the idea of recognizing the beauty, inner light in all of us and how we use this light to create a better world. A "Pay it Forward" message if you will.
I was able to share this selection with my students in our current style of beginning of class reading minutes. It's actually be quite beneficial for myself as well on a lot of levels. Not only am I able to read some amazing articles, but also am able to lead a discussion and hear where today's youthful thought processes are heading. I am revitalized! We have such amazing youth in our community and they have lots of terrific things to say.

I believe that we all have good in us.
I believe that we are all resonsible for our own actions.
I believe, as Tutu does, that if I diminish you, I in turn diminish myself. So truthfully, you are what you put out there. If you exude negativity and control, you will receive negativity and control. If you put positivity out into the universe, you will receive positivity.

I believe we have the capacity to bring about change in those around us by how we exude that positive light out from us.

Sometimes it is very hard to remember this idea with bullying running rampant through our country and fear and hatred ravaging the news.
I believe it is a mindset. Can you wake up and make the decision that today is GOING to be a GREAT day?
Can you agree to "pay it forward"?