Seth Godin gives an awesome interview on Good Life Project. The content of the interview grabbed me by the heart and tugged me along. Spoke to me so deeply about the idea of why we allow other folks to have so much power over how we live our lives, sometimes knowingly and sometimes cluelessly. His interview is entitled, "Learn to See, Leave them changed." Check it out!
While listening, I completely focus my thought process towards my cousin and my aunt, who have been the center of my issues for the last many years...and only on MY behalf...not on theirs. They have respected my wishes to stay away. My cousin has mildly apologized for her letter. My aunt never has. She just acts like we are ridiculous and that she dictates how everyone will play when she is around...taking pictures, etc.
To refresh our memories as to what occurred: I entered my life shortly after my entrance to teaching in Arkansas in 2009. And my life grew and evolved and blossomed. My coming out process was actually fairly smooth. Few hiccups...but I had NEVER had a crazy, horrible negative response. Jump ahead a few years of dating and J and I buy a house. That Christmas, I sent out our annual Christmas letter and told everybody about our exciting news. Jump ahead to Christmas eve, and I receive a letter from my cousin, assuming it was their Christmas letter, which it wasn't. It was throwing the Bible at me and Justin and telling us we were going to go to hell if we didn't change our ways. Bringing up all the fire and brimstone of my childhood from the church pulpit, bringing back a great amount of angst and hurt and shame and feeling less than. Stuff I had decided were not important when I lived in Omaha. I was out and proud and present and moved to Arkansas and a shift happened sadly...
This whole thing just fueled it.
And mind you, these are not family members I see all the time and this just solidified that we would NOT be seeing each other. Life has advanced forward. Life has gone on and we have basically parted ways...and yet...it still bugs me. It still hurts me. It still drives me crazy and I just want to tell them how wrong they are...or that someday, a heartfelt apology will come...Or that they are hopefully as equally as angsty about this issue as I am...but you know, this truly is not gonna happen. Ever. My mother died never hearing her sister say she was sorry for her involvement in this situation. It just makes me sad.
But why do I continue to beat myself up about this issue? Why do I allow them so much power over my emotions when I should just try and separate myself and let them GO!
Somewhere deep down, I had decided to allow these two women power over my life and over my relationship and over my thought processes and my flow. Why would I allow these two women, virtual no shows in my life for the last many years, so much power to dictate my feelings and emotions. They have hurt me so deeply. They have hurt Justin so deeply and that just made me so angry and sad and hurt. At the very basis of this...they were a crew I considered my family. My childhood memories are surrounded with them in it. And I had the air struck out of my chest with their own blow.
They also had struck me at my very core belief system and raised such a strong trigger...that being the Bible that it shook me to my spiritual core and my life morphed into a life of wanting to prove them wrong, wondering when the TRUE apology would come...the apology we deserved...
I am such a people pleaser. Always have been. I find such passion in sharing the ideas of theater and family and connection and creativity and love and laughter. So here's what I am working on...
Being Present.
Truthfully knowing that they have ZERO control over my life. ZERO control over who I love. Do NOT know me and have chosen not to KNOW me for who I am and how I lead my life. And are absolutely BLIND. Perhaps, what I need to do is just cut this off and say...meh...don't really need to give them ANY control over my life, my emotions, my thought-process.
KNOW deep down that what I have been wishing for in regards to these two will never happen...it should not be an important issue that dictates my life and remove their control over my energy.
One of the areas Godin discusses is the ideas of being present and not allowing yourself to be drug down by negativity. Isolate yourself from negativity and surround yourself with positivity...It is important to refocus your life and how we should focus our positivity when negative issues are present or present themselves. Mind blowing truthfully. In one of the many books I am reading, it states that when we have the BEST day and one absolutely negative event occurs...the rest of your day is ALL NEGATIVE. We have to learn to shift the process towards gratitude...towards the positivity and not get drug down into black. Negativity will destroy your life.
Block out all Negative.
Block out all the awful that is going on around the world today.
Don't give the negativity any power in your life.
(sometimes this is harder to do...I get it)
Surround yourself with creative potential.
Focus on what you are here to do.
Navigate through your life with gratitude and positivity folks. More soon...
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Gratitude
As I am working my way through the podcasts on GoodLifeProject, I have listened to a couple speaking about the power of gratitude. There are many powerful speakers in this world, but they have highlighted four of the biggest...Brene Brown discusses the power of shame in your life and how there is great power in allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
Tim Ferriss discusses the idea of being halfway through life and what is next? The power of realizing that the only way you are able to show love to others, you have to truly LOVE YOURSELF.
Jonathan Fields discusses the idea of what he calls Sparketypes, which showcase your personality type and discusses why you do the things you do, make the decisions you do, and how you interact with the other 9 types available. It delves into the theme of What Should I do with m Life? And where can i find inspiration to do what I am destined to do in my life's journey.?
And then there is the podcast featuring Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the life-changing book: Eat, Pray, Love. She talks about the idea of gratitude and how we have to figure out a switch. We all have a bad day. And I find that when I have a horrible day...sometimes it is just because of one particular moment and that, if we allow it, can recolor the ENTIRE day. One moment in a sea of awesomeness can, in fact, color everything else, if we allow it. So what Liz Gilbert encourages us to do is to refocus events and try to see it from an aspect of gratitude. What should we be thankful for in times of struggle? Where can we find gratitude in the negative times?
Its a shift in thought process, that's for sure.
You may not see it. You may be overwhelmed by too much. You may need to visit with a close confidante to allow them to help you work your way through it...maybe you come at it like, " I just cannot see a positive in what I am about to tell you? Perhaps you can help me?
Gilbert also goes into also the topics of allowing events to stop you in your tracks and prevent you from moving forward, if you allow it. She also speaks to the power to finding your creativity or getting it back, if you have lost it.
Powerful stuff folks.
You should give it a listen. You will find some great stuff there!! I just know it.
More soon!
Monday, January 7, 2019
My spiritual journey and struggle
You know the phrase, "The Struggle is Real Folks?" I think this applies at various times in our lives.
We get lost in our thoughts, we struggle to comprehend why things happen the way they do, we struggle to reconcile with events from our childhood, memories of the past and how they are significant to who we are today. We struggle to figure out who we are, what we are about, all the while attempting to remind ourselves to be kind to yourself. We all do it. We all question and contemplate why this is this way, or why I react the way I do to certain situations.
Gonna think /type out loud here for a bit....
I am going to be very brutally honest, and it probably will not come as a surprise to those of you who follow my blog, as I have blogged about this in the past. I continually struggle with faith and spirituality and how it relates to being gay. Can you be an out, open, gay person in a community where Bible and spirituality are very common aspects of the community in which you live? Or at a stronger core...can you be Gay and be a Christian? It is a common struggle I have had ever since coming out raised in the Lutheran religion and remember the "fire and brimstone" sermons of my childhood...God is a vengeful and firey God who expects you to live your life according to the printed word and Biblical teachings. I have reached out to close friends, including my former Argenta pastor, who have had many wonderful, insightful things to say on this. Will said that I am currently on a spiritual journey now more than ever. And it is so true.
From various discussions:
"The Old Testament is meant to be taken as a light guideline. The teachings of Christ is truly where the direction for your life."
"I wish that Revelation was not the last book written and that the Bible continued into today's society and everything we have learned about humans."
"If we took everything verbatim from the Bible, we would be ruled out. There are so many rules and everybody just picks and chooses. Eat Shrimp= SINNER. Wear polyester=SINNER (that goes without saying folks) Adulterer=SINNER."
When I lived in Omaha 10 years ago, I was a different person spiritually. Heck I was a VERY different person altogether. I was out, open, and considered myself a vital part of the gay community in Omaha. I did not go to church on a regular basis yet was extremely spiritual and had a firm grounding in what I believed and had faith in all of it. I was confident. I knew what I believed. I knew who I was.
Today I am not so sure spiritually.
But what has changed?
I feel great amounts of shame about what the Bible teaches and what it means for my life. I KNOW I am a gay man, have always been, was born this way and know no other way of thought, have never questioned this, but what does that mean when the Bible says otherwise? I know that we are created in God's image, like him, and are encouraged to live our lives as he taught...but the Bible goes on to state that my life is considered an abomination in the eye's of God. Heck, we are all sinners. And I struggle with this at times in my life. It's not so easy when you throw in the idea of the after life...
It's too much!!!
Then I arrive in Arkansas and meet the love of my life. Share this exciting relationship as a gay man with everyone, including my family. Try as hard as I can to be as out as I can in the Bible belt...I do have to say, I am doing a MUCH better job of being out and proud up here in NW Arkansas than I was in Little Rock. Moving to LR, I quickly realized that I could not be as out as I was and had to watch what I said, what I did, where I went, and God forbid that I be photographed out and about.
Jump ahead and the damn blog post I have written about the Christmas letter from my cousin and aunt, basically and unfairly throwing the Bible at me and Justin, from behind their glass walls, and the struggle came right back. And I have come to realize that it has affected me deeper than I had imagined. And why is this so important a fight? Why do I allow these two women so much power and control over my heart, my head, and at times, my marriage and how I carry on in my day to day life. Two women, I very rarely saw, but are considered family and what that meant.
Perhaps I need a new definition of what family is to me? And a relook at the energy I place in relationships...and set new boundaries? Who knows...
It could be a question of being kinder to myself.
It could be a question of reconnecting with my former thoughts and views...
It could be that need a gentle reminder to focus on Christ only and what he taught for all of us to lead our lives in love only. Wear love like an armor and love your neighbor as yourself.
It could be that I am needing to go back to no church and reconnect with a stronger sense of community here in NW Arkansas. The very thought of going through the SEARCH for a church family, while there are many options I think available to me, just plain exhausts me. Having to navigate through "What do you believe?" "What does your church believe when it comes to the Bible and it's teachings and does it match mine?" What does church actually provide for me...do I need it right at this point in my life...just plain exhausting, friends. See where I am at?
I am in process of reading a book I hope to be helpful..."Coming out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives" by Dr. Gershen Kaufman and Dr. Lev Raphael. I also patiently await the release and arrival of the book "Shameless: a Sexual Reformation" by Nadia Bolz-Weber. Friends...this is one I am looking forward to reading...have placed high hopes in what she has to say...
An Amazon.com exerpt:
Christians are obsessed with sex. But not in a good way. For generations countless people have suffered pain, guilt, and judgment as a result of this toxic fixation on sex, the body, and physical pleasure. In the follow-up to her celebrated New York Times bestseller Accidental Saints, Bolz-Weber unleashes her critical eye, her sharp pen, and her vulnerable but hopeful soul on the caustic, fear-riddled, and religiously inspired messages about sex that have fed our shame.
In turn, Bolz-Weber offers no simple amendments or polite compromises, because the stakes are too high—and our souls and our bodies are worth too much. Instead, this tattooed, swearing, modern-day pastor calls for a new reformation. She urges us to take antiquated, sexist ideas about sex, gender, and our bodies and “burn them the f*ck down and start all over.”
This is a journey of holy resistance. Along the way, as antidotes to shame, heresy, and all-too-familiar injustice, Bolz-Weber dispenses grace, freedom, and courage. She shares stories, poetry, and scripture, cultivating resilient hope and audacious love rooted in good news that is “powerful enough, transgressive enough, and beautiful enough to heal not only the ones who have been hurt but also those who have done the hurting.”
In Bolz-Weber’s most personal, bracingly honest book yet, she shares intimately about her life, with her trademark blend of vulnerability, humor, and candor. If you’ve been mistreated, confused, angered, and/or wounded by the shaming sexual messages so prevalent in religion, this one is for you.
We get lost in our thoughts, we struggle to comprehend why things happen the way they do, we struggle to reconcile with events from our childhood, memories of the past and how they are significant to who we are today. We struggle to figure out who we are, what we are about, all the while attempting to remind ourselves to be kind to yourself. We all do it. We all question and contemplate why this is this way, or why I react the way I do to certain situations.
Gonna think /type out loud here for a bit....
I am going to be very brutally honest, and it probably will not come as a surprise to those of you who follow my blog, as I have blogged about this in the past. I continually struggle with faith and spirituality and how it relates to being gay. Can you be an out, open, gay person in a community where Bible and spirituality are very common aspects of the community in which you live? Or at a stronger core...can you be Gay and be a Christian? It is a common struggle I have had ever since coming out raised in the Lutheran religion and remember the "fire and brimstone" sermons of my childhood...God is a vengeful and firey God who expects you to live your life according to the printed word and Biblical teachings. I have reached out to close friends, including my former Argenta pastor, who have had many wonderful, insightful things to say on this. Will said that I am currently on a spiritual journey now more than ever. And it is so true.
From various discussions:
"The Old Testament is meant to be taken as a light guideline. The teachings of Christ is truly where the direction for your life."
"I wish that Revelation was not the last book written and that the Bible continued into today's society and everything we have learned about humans."
"If we took everything verbatim from the Bible, we would be ruled out. There are so many rules and everybody just picks and chooses. Eat Shrimp= SINNER. Wear polyester=SINNER (that goes without saying folks) Adulterer=SINNER."
When I lived in Omaha 10 years ago, I was a different person spiritually. Heck I was a VERY different person altogether. I was out, open, and considered myself a vital part of the gay community in Omaha. I did not go to church on a regular basis yet was extremely spiritual and had a firm grounding in what I believed and had faith in all of it. I was confident. I knew what I believed. I knew who I was.
Today I am not so sure spiritually.
But what has changed?
I feel great amounts of shame about what the Bible teaches and what it means for my life. I KNOW I am a gay man, have always been, was born this way and know no other way of thought, have never questioned this, but what does that mean when the Bible says otherwise? I know that we are created in God's image, like him, and are encouraged to live our lives as he taught...but the Bible goes on to state that my life is considered an abomination in the eye's of God. Heck, we are all sinners. And I struggle with this at times in my life. It's not so easy when you throw in the idea of the after life...
It's too much!!!
Then I arrive in Arkansas and meet the love of my life. Share this exciting relationship as a gay man with everyone, including my family. Try as hard as I can to be as out as I can in the Bible belt...I do have to say, I am doing a MUCH better job of being out and proud up here in NW Arkansas than I was in Little Rock. Moving to LR, I quickly realized that I could not be as out as I was and had to watch what I said, what I did, where I went, and God forbid that I be photographed out and about.
Jump ahead and the damn blog post I have written about the Christmas letter from my cousin and aunt, basically and unfairly throwing the Bible at me and Justin, from behind their glass walls, and the struggle came right back. And I have come to realize that it has affected me deeper than I had imagined. And why is this so important a fight? Why do I allow these two women so much power and control over my heart, my head, and at times, my marriage and how I carry on in my day to day life. Two women, I very rarely saw, but are considered family and what that meant.
Perhaps I need a new definition of what family is to me? And a relook at the energy I place in relationships...and set new boundaries? Who knows...
It could be a question of being kinder to myself.
It could be a question of reconnecting with my former thoughts and views...
It could be that need a gentle reminder to focus on Christ only and what he taught for all of us to lead our lives in love only. Wear love like an armor and love your neighbor as yourself.
It could be that I am needing to go back to no church and reconnect with a stronger sense of community here in NW Arkansas. The very thought of going through the SEARCH for a church family, while there are many options I think available to me, just plain exhausts me. Having to navigate through "What do you believe?" "What does your church believe when it comes to the Bible and it's teachings and does it match mine?" What does church actually provide for me...do I need it right at this point in my life...just plain exhausting, friends. See where I am at?
I am in process of reading a book I hope to be helpful..."Coming out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives" by Dr. Gershen Kaufman and Dr. Lev Raphael. I also patiently await the release and arrival of the book "Shameless: a Sexual Reformation" by Nadia Bolz-Weber. Friends...this is one I am looking forward to reading...have placed high hopes in what she has to say...
An Amazon.com exerpt:
Christians are obsessed with sex. But not in a good way. For generations countless people have suffered pain, guilt, and judgment as a result of this toxic fixation on sex, the body, and physical pleasure. In the follow-up to her celebrated New York Times bestseller Accidental Saints, Bolz-Weber unleashes her critical eye, her sharp pen, and her vulnerable but hopeful soul on the caustic, fear-riddled, and religiously inspired messages about sex that have fed our shame.
In turn, Bolz-Weber offers no simple amendments or polite compromises, because the stakes are too high—and our souls and our bodies are worth too much. Instead, this tattooed, swearing, modern-day pastor calls for a new reformation. She urges us to take antiquated, sexist ideas about sex, gender, and our bodies and “burn them the f*ck down and start all over.”
This is a journey of holy resistance. Along the way, as antidotes to shame, heresy, and all-too-familiar injustice, Bolz-Weber dispenses grace, freedom, and courage. She shares stories, poetry, and scripture, cultivating resilient hope and audacious love rooted in good news that is “powerful enough, transgressive enough, and beautiful enough to heal not only the ones who have been hurt but also those who have done the hurting.”
In Bolz-Weber’s most personal, bracingly honest book yet, she shares intimately about her life, with her trademark blend of vulnerability, humor, and candor. If you’ve been mistreated, confused, angered, and/or wounded by the shaming sexual messages so prevalent in religion, this one is for you.
I am on a journey, friends, and we shall see where this leads. But I plan to see it through and figure this all out, because it is a rough journey and I need to be DONE with it. I hope you will stay tuned as this will be part of my focus for 2019.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Resolutions for 2019
HAPPY NEW YEAR, friends and family!!!
I have been away for awhile and feel so guilty. I logged on here today to get back on track with blogging and realized....JULY was my last entry. How shameful is that???
So I am gonna get myself back on track with something I hate to do...creating a new year's resolution.
UGH. Just the phrase makes me angsty. I hate these types of things...because there are so many failures attached to the very word and process of setting a resolution.
But what I have learned is that setting one doesn't have to be angsty if you set one that is not too lofty...not too crazy...and that you be kind to yourself and honest with where you are at the time you set it. Goal setting is NEVER bad.
I have been on a search and it has been a deep one, friends. A spiritual struggle and journey that I intend to bring you all along with as I struggle my way through it...in the hopes that you too will learn along with me. Perhaps we can help each other? I always wanted my blogging to not only serve as a release...but also a hope that I can help in each of our adventures on this thing called life...whether it is deep musings... or hilarious rants...and odd observations from the world around me...or just a chance to get it out...whatever the proverbial "IT" is and why it needs to be out.
I have been listening to many different podcasts and will speak to more of these in future posts...
The first one I just happened to find is called GoodLifeProject.com...a little out of the box and hard to grasp at times....and truth be told, I have only listened to one podcast episode but was completely hooked in...the first episode I searched and listened to was an interview with my favorite current life coach...Brene Brown...She has so many thought provoking things to say about how we deal with life and how we navigate through this journey...and she has a no shit way of viewing this adventure...and so I am stealing her thoughts and comments as my new mantra for 2019...as it speaks deeply to where I am at this moment in my life...
I have been away for awhile and feel so guilty. I logged on here today to get back on track with blogging and realized....JULY was my last entry. How shameful is that???
So I am gonna get myself back on track with something I hate to do...creating a new year's resolution.
UGH. Just the phrase makes me angsty. I hate these types of things...because there are so many failures attached to the very word and process of setting a resolution.
But what I have learned is that setting one doesn't have to be angsty if you set one that is not too lofty...not too crazy...and that you be kind to yourself and honest with where you are at the time you set it. Goal setting is NEVER bad.
I have been on a search and it has been a deep one, friends. A spiritual struggle and journey that I intend to bring you all along with as I struggle my way through it...in the hopes that you too will learn along with me. Perhaps we can help each other? I always wanted my blogging to not only serve as a release...but also a hope that I can help in each of our adventures on this thing called life...whether it is deep musings... or hilarious rants...and odd observations from the world around me...or just a chance to get it out...whatever the proverbial "IT" is and why it needs to be out.
I have been listening to many different podcasts and will speak to more of these in future posts...
The first one I just happened to find is called GoodLifeProject.com...a little out of the box and hard to grasp at times....and truth be told, I have only listened to one podcast episode but was completely hooked in...the first episode I searched and listened to was an interview with my favorite current life coach...Brene Brown...She has so many thought provoking things to say about how we deal with life and how we navigate through this journey...and she has a no shit way of viewing this adventure...and so I am stealing her thoughts and comments as my new mantra for 2019...as it speaks deeply to where I am at this moment in my life...
To live whole-heartedly
Honor small moments with gratitude
and dare greatly.
Resolutions have not always been my favorite. And I have tried to steer clear of the cliche ones...but this one seems navigable and sustainable...and achievable. And I know I can make this one work for me as I dig deeper throughout the coming year ahead. Will you join me? Follow my blog and let's jump in...
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