Seth Godin gives an awesome interview on Good Life Project. The content of the interview grabbed me by the heart and tugged me along. Spoke to me so deeply about the idea of why we allow other folks to have so much power over how we live our lives, sometimes knowingly and sometimes cluelessly. His interview is entitled, "Learn to See, Leave them changed." Check it out!
While listening, I completely focus my thought process towards my cousin and my aunt, who have been the center of my issues for the last many years...and only on MY behalf...not on theirs. They have respected my wishes to stay away. My cousin has mildly apologized for her letter. My aunt never has. She just acts like we are ridiculous and that she dictates how everyone will play when she is around...taking pictures, etc.
To refresh our memories as to what occurred: I entered my life shortly after my entrance to teaching in Arkansas in 2009. And my life grew and evolved and blossomed. My coming out process was actually fairly smooth. Few hiccups...but I had NEVER had a crazy, horrible negative response. Jump ahead a few years of dating and J and I buy a house. That Christmas, I sent out our annual Christmas letter and told everybody about our exciting news. Jump ahead to Christmas eve, and I receive a letter from my cousin, assuming it was their Christmas letter, which it wasn't. It was throwing the Bible at me and Justin and telling us we were going to go to hell if we didn't change our ways. Bringing up all the fire and brimstone of my childhood from the church pulpit, bringing back a great amount of angst and hurt and shame and feeling less than. Stuff I had decided were not important when I lived in Omaha. I was out and proud and present and moved to Arkansas and a shift happened sadly...
This whole thing just fueled it.
And mind you, these are not family members I see all the time and this just solidified that we would NOT be seeing each other. Life has advanced forward. Life has gone on and we have basically parted ways...and yet...it still bugs me. It still hurts me. It still drives me crazy and I just want to tell them how wrong they are...or that someday, a heartfelt apology will come...Or that they are hopefully as equally as angsty about this issue as I am...but you know, this truly is not gonna happen. Ever. My mother died never hearing her sister say she was sorry for her involvement in this situation. It just makes me sad.
But why do I continue to beat myself up about this issue? Why do I allow them so much power over my emotions when I should just try and separate myself and let them GO!
Somewhere deep down, I had decided to allow these two women power over my life and over my relationship and over my thought processes and my flow. Why would I allow these two women, virtual no shows in my life for the last many years, so much power to dictate my feelings and emotions. They have hurt me so deeply. They have hurt Justin so deeply and that just made me so angry and sad and hurt. At the very basis of this...they were a crew I considered my family. My childhood memories are surrounded with them in it. And I had the air struck out of my chest with their own blow.
They also had struck me at my very core belief system and raised such a strong trigger...that being the Bible that it shook me to my spiritual core and my life morphed into a life of wanting to prove them wrong, wondering when the TRUE apology would come...the apology we deserved...
I am such a people pleaser. Always have been. I find such passion in sharing the ideas of theater and family and connection and creativity and love and laughter. So here's what I am working on...
Being Present.
Truthfully knowing that they have ZERO control over my life. ZERO control over who I love. Do NOT know me and have chosen not to KNOW me for who I am and how I lead my life. And are absolutely BLIND. Perhaps, what I need to do is just cut this off and say...meh...don't really need to give them ANY control over my life, my emotions, my thought-process.
KNOW deep down that what I have been wishing for in regards to these two will never happen...it should not be an important issue that dictates my life and remove their control over my energy.
One of the areas Godin discusses is the ideas of being present and not allowing yourself to be drug down by negativity. Isolate yourself from negativity and surround yourself with positivity...It is important to refocus your life and how we should focus our positivity when negative issues are present or present themselves. Mind blowing truthfully. In one of the many books I am reading, it states that when we have the BEST day and one absolutely negative event occurs...the rest of your day is ALL NEGATIVE. We have to learn to shift the process towards gratitude...towards the positivity and not get drug down into black. Negativity will destroy your life.
Block out all Negative.
Block out all the awful that is going on around the world today.
Don't give the negativity any power in your life.
(sometimes this is harder to do...I get it)
Surround yourself with creative potential.
Focus on what you are here to do.
Navigate through your life with gratitude and positivity folks. More soon...
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