We get lost in our thoughts, we struggle to comprehend why things happen the way they do, we struggle to reconcile with events from our childhood, memories of the past and how they are significant to who we are today. We struggle to figure out who we are, what we are about, all the while attempting to remind ourselves to be kind to yourself. We all do it. We all question and contemplate why this is this way, or why I react the way I do to certain situations.
Gonna think /type out loud here for a bit....
I am going to be very brutally honest, and it probably will not come as a surprise to those of you who follow my blog, as I have blogged about this in the past. I continually struggle with faith and spirituality and how it relates to being gay. Can you be an out, open, gay person in a community where Bible and spirituality are very common aspects of the community in which you live? Or at a stronger core...can you be Gay and be a Christian? It is a common struggle I have had ever since coming out raised in the Lutheran religion and remember the "fire and brimstone" sermons of my childhood...God is a vengeful and firey God who expects you to live your life according to the printed word and Biblical teachings. I have reached out to close friends, including my former Argenta pastor, who have had many wonderful, insightful things to say on this. Will said that I am currently on a spiritual journey now more than ever. And it is so true.
From various discussions:
"The Old Testament is meant to be taken as a light guideline. The teachings of Christ is truly where the direction for your life."
"I wish that Revelation was not the last book written and that the Bible continued into today's society and everything we have learned about humans."
"If we took everything verbatim from the Bible, we would be ruled out. There are so many rules and everybody just picks and chooses. Eat Shrimp= SINNER. Wear polyester=SINNER (that goes without saying folks) Adulterer=SINNER."
When I lived in Omaha 10 years ago, I was a different person spiritually. Heck I was a VERY different person altogether. I was out, open, and considered myself a vital part of the gay community in Omaha. I did not go to church on a regular basis yet was extremely spiritual and had a firm grounding in what I believed and had faith in all of it. I was confident. I knew what I believed. I knew who I was.
Today I am not so sure spiritually.
But what has changed?
I feel great amounts of shame about what the Bible teaches and what it means for my life. I KNOW I am a gay man, have always been, was born this way and know no other way of thought, have never questioned this, but what does that mean when the Bible says otherwise? I know that we are created in God's image, like him, and are encouraged to live our lives as he taught...but the Bible goes on to state that my life is considered an abomination in the eye's of God. Heck, we are all sinners. And I struggle with this at times in my life. It's not so easy when you throw in the idea of the after life...
It's too much!!!
Then I arrive in Arkansas and meet the love of my life. Share this exciting relationship as a gay man with everyone, including my family. Try as hard as I can to be as out as I can in the Bible belt...I do have to say, I am doing a MUCH better job of being out and proud up here in NW Arkansas than I was in Little Rock. Moving to LR, I quickly realized that I could not be as out as I was and had to watch what I said, what I did, where I went, and God forbid that I be photographed out and about.
Jump ahead and the damn blog post I have written about the Christmas letter from my cousin and aunt, basically and unfairly throwing the Bible at me and Justin, from behind their glass walls, and the struggle came right back. And I have come to realize that it has affected me deeper than I had imagined. And why is this so important a fight? Why do I allow these two women so much power and control over my heart, my head, and at times, my marriage and how I carry on in my day to day life. Two women, I very rarely saw, but are considered family and what that meant.
Perhaps I need a new definition of what family is to me? And a relook at the energy I place in relationships...and set new boundaries? Who knows...
It could be a question of being kinder to myself.
It could be a question of reconnecting with my former thoughts and views...
It could be that need a gentle reminder to focus on Christ only and what he taught for all of us to lead our lives in love only. Wear love like an armor and love your neighbor as yourself.
It could be that I am needing to go back to no church and reconnect with a stronger sense of community here in NW Arkansas. The very thought of going through the SEARCH for a church family, while there are many options I think available to me, just plain exhausts me. Having to navigate through "What do you believe?" "What does your church believe when it comes to the Bible and it's teachings and does it match mine?" What does church actually provide for me...do I need it right at this point in my life...just plain exhausting, friends. See where I am at?
I am in process of reading a book I hope to be helpful..."Coming out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives" by Dr. Gershen Kaufman and Dr. Lev Raphael. I also patiently await the release and arrival of the book "Shameless: a Sexual Reformation" by Nadia Bolz-Weber. Friends...this is one I am looking forward to reading...have placed high hopes in what she has to say...
An Amazon.com exerpt:
Christians are obsessed with sex. But not in a good way. For generations countless people have suffered pain, guilt, and judgment as a result of this toxic fixation on sex, the body, and physical pleasure. In the follow-up to her celebrated New York Times bestseller Accidental Saints, Bolz-Weber unleashes her critical eye, her sharp pen, and her vulnerable but hopeful soul on the caustic, fear-riddled, and religiously inspired messages about sex that have fed our shame.
In turn, Bolz-Weber offers no simple amendments or polite compromises, because the stakes are too high—and our souls and our bodies are worth too much. Instead, this tattooed, swearing, modern-day pastor calls for a new reformation. She urges us to take antiquated, sexist ideas about sex, gender, and our bodies and “burn them the f*ck down and start all over.”
This is a journey of holy resistance. Along the way, as antidotes to shame, heresy, and all-too-familiar injustice, Bolz-Weber dispenses grace, freedom, and courage. She shares stories, poetry, and scripture, cultivating resilient hope and audacious love rooted in good news that is “powerful enough, transgressive enough, and beautiful enough to heal not only the ones who have been hurt but also those who have done the hurting.”
In Bolz-Weber’s most personal, bracingly honest book yet, she shares intimately about her life, with her trademark blend of vulnerability, humor, and candor. If you’ve been mistreated, confused, angered, and/or wounded by the shaming sexual messages so prevalent in religion, this one is for you.
I am on a journey, friends, and we shall see where this leads. But I plan to see it through and figure this all out, because it is a rough journey and I need to be DONE with it. I hope you will stay tuned as this will be part of my focus for 2019.
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