What's stopping you?

Seriously...

What is holding you back?

We get so caught up in the redundancy of life...

We have become so white bread... 

I am SOOOOOOOOO guilty of this, for SURE!!!!

What if we could step out of our comfort zone and trying a new adventure...

What if "What's stopping you?" became a little motto for your upcoming new year?

Remove the MEH and add a spark of energy towards a goal you have set for yourself!

How beautiful would that be?

I want to wish this motto for everyone this upcoming year!! 

Trust and do one thing this year that is out of your comfort zone. 

I am going to push my students to do this 

and I am going to try this for myself. 

I can hear all of the excuses and I need to stop them.

Perhaps we can all step outside of our comfort zones, 

hold each other accountable in doing so and 

live out a dream or bucket list adventure.

Can I get an AMEN?

The new bucket list...

The new year's resolutions are about to be set.

I went back to take a look at the ole bucket list previously posted on this here blog.

I found it so interesting to see what I had accomplished so far...But I am thinking I need to readjust this and have wanted to add so many more aspects/events/parts to this list..so much more I want to do, so much more I need to experience, so much more I need to push myself to do...

So this is the list from the past:

1. Travel to Paris. DONE
2. Travel to London
3. Skydiving
4. Take an Alaskan Cruise and see the whales
5. See the musical Jersey Boys
6. Play the role of Archibald Craven in The Secret Garden
7. Play the role of Harold Hill in The Music Man
8. Play the role of Sweeney Todd in Sweeney Todd
9. Travel to Rome DONE
10. Sing with an orchestra DONE
11. Record a CD for sale
12. Write a book. Maybe publish? IN PROCESS
13. Have a child.
14. Build my own home and be able to design it the way I would like it...a dream home, if you will.
15. See the fall colors of New England
16. Rock climb
17. Parasail in the Carribean
18. Be remembered for being a good man.
19. Grow Muscles. BAH HA HA HA HA
20. Play the role of Emcee in Cabaret DONE

So here is what I think I would add...
Let see, what would be on that list...

1. Travel to London
2. Skydiving
3. Take an Alaskan Cruise and see the whales
4. See the musical Jersey Boys, Waitress, and Dear Evan Hansen
5. Play the role of Archibald Craven in The Secret Garden
6. Play the role of Harold Hill in The Music Man
7. Play the role of Sweeney Todd in Sweeney Todd
Note: What is difficult to see are these three roles and to recognize that my passion to play these roles has diminished. Zaza and La Cage has still what I affectionately say..."it has ruined me. Everything pales to that one moment singing "I Am What I Am" at the end of Act One, ripping that wig off, and storming out...everything else pales and I know I will never have that moment back in my life again..."

8. Record a CD for sale...possibly in the works?
9. Write a book. Maybe publish?...possibly in the works?
10. Have a child.
Note: the older I get and the scarier the world becomes the more I find that my students become my kiddos and no matter how good of a father I know Justin and I would be...not sure I want to bring a life into this world with it being so crazy and all...perhaps adoption would be an option...but for now...just hanging on for the ride with my husband

11. Build my own home and be able to design it the way I would like it...a dream home, if you will.
12. See the fall colors of New England
13. Rock climb
14. Parasail in the Carribean
15. Deep sea dive and snorkel a coral reef.
16. Take Justin to NYC and share it with him.
Note: I have not been back since I moved away and I know that that has to change and I have to get myself back and go to the World Trade Center site and visit the museum and take it all in and regroup...just has not been in the cards...

17. Share Italy with Justin.
18. Spend Christmas in different parts of the world...Hawaii, Norway, London, Rome
19. Build Mom's Santa collection
20. Take Justin skiing.
21. Visit the Grand Canyon.
22. Experience Canada.
22. Have a suit made especially for me.
23. To own my own production company/ theater and work in theater full time.
23. Be remembered for being a good man.
24. Keep trying to make an impact on the world in whatever way, shape, or form possible.


So far so good.
I think it is important to keep your goals ahead of you and to keep adventures in focus. Some may be realistic, others not so much. But hey, its okay to dream right??

Carry on my fellow sojourners.
Carry on.

One thing I learned about myself this year...

I found this topic on Pinterest and placed it under journaling...
But it struck me and really called on my heart...so I thought why not give 'er a shot...
So here goes...

I have learned so much more than just "one thing" this past year.

I have learned that navigating through death is difficult and different for each of us. It is the strangest thing I have ever witnessed and experienced. I have learned to honor the emotions as they come. I have learned to meet those dealing with death right where they are, love them, offer support, not try to explain everything, and let them be...be present...make myself present...and if they need me...

I have learned to create and honor the personal checklist. Whether it is a checklist in your mind or a physical checklist on paper...honor it and get it done. The feeling of accomplishment and pride in completing something is overwhelming. The biggest moment of my life was knowing that I was able to complete the checklist for my mom. Being able to honor her life and her death this year was important to me. Feeling her presence in the Badlands and her burial was overwhelming and life changing for me. The darkness has lessened a bit  and I felt lighter on some levels.  I am a changed man on some levels,too.

Always know that sometimes there will be difficult discussions but sometimes these discussions need  to happen. You just need to remain calm, never let your anger get in the way, and just be truthful and honest. And most importantly, just listen and be present.

So many times in my past, I have felt like I had to be the life of the party. I must always be entertaining at all times. I must always be the fun one. I have learned patience and peace. I have learned to listen and be present in the quiet times. My husband has taught me this and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

You can only be so much. You cannot be everything to everybody. You have to protect yourself or you will be nothing to everyone and you will kill yourself doing it.

I have learned to embrace tradition. Honor the memories of the past. Create your own traditions and memories.

Enjoy your own adventures. Create them and navigate through them.

Hugs are important. Smiles and laughter are preferred.

Keep living life fully. Stay connected to your friends and family.

Live life and enjoy it.

Stay the course.
Keep the Faith.
Stay positive.

Carry on...

All of this...

The phrase: "Not my circus...not my monkeys" has entered my vocabulary over the past year or so. 

The last year has been so eye-opening for me. 

I have found that I am such an empathetic personality. 

If I could I would take on everyone else's hurts and sadness and problems, whether it was trying to help fix, or emotionally place myself in what they must be thinking or feeling at that one particular moment. I have had to learn to try and separate myself from this. And I am doing a horrible job of this.

But I know I have to come to the realization that I have to figure out how to do it...

With grace.

With eloquence.

With speed.

With strength.

For my own emotional health.

And yours.

I cannot change your past for you.

I cannot change your mistakes, your choices, regardless of whether or not I agree with them.

They are yours to own.

I have my own issues to deal with.

I have my own course to chart. 

I cannot change choices for you.

I cannot change things people have done that I strongly disagree with as much as I would like to be able to.

I get so wound up on folks either not listening to advice, asking for advice that they never take, even though they asked for feedback.

What I need to learn is do is to just listen.

To stop.

To breathe.

To place focus on cues others give.

And not feel the need to provide advice when it is not asked for.

And to not take things so personally.

Separate emotion and feelings because I get too wound up.

Wish me luck.

"Returning Home"

I have found that this idea of "returning home" has been on my mind here lately.
When I was younger, after having experienced the traumatic event of leaving for college and being away from my mom, when I returned home, I always noticed the difference of what home actually was. It was disconcerting at times. When my folks and I would come to northern Minnesota for Christmas with our family, it was always filled with wonderful traditions...usually surrounded by grandparents and aunts and uncles and family and friends. It was something I always looked forward to...the good food, the cookies, Santa, the tree cut down from the forest, the chance to be a child and experience the season with this childlike wonder and energy. It flew by so fast and in a blink of an eye, things are different and these are just a fleeting memory.

Life changed. Parents get divorced. Homes changed. Life evolved. And I left for college. I would come back and things had changed...were different...Now it wasn't a drastic thing like, "Oh honey, I changed your bedroom into a craft room or an office." but would have this strange feeling like things had changed. Things had moved forward and became different and yet had tinges of the familiarity of home remained. Things became less and less like "home". And yet even though the environment changed...there were elements of this environment that represented tradition and home...At Christmas, Mom would bring out the ornaments, the Santas, the nostalgia, the recipes, the laughter over a glass of wine and the recollection of days gone by. It is these elements that I am able to bring out this year that I feel such twinges of sadness and know that this will pass as the years go by...perhaps they won't but that's part of the "new normal" I guess...

When we were home last weekend to visit with friends and family and take part in some of the annual events we have grown to love, I had the opportunity to go back to the church I had grown to love and felt comfortable in. Since our move, we have not found a church we feel comfortable with, in, and a part of. And I can give you numerous reason and excuses, which I will go into at a later date. But what I felt was this overwhelming wave of emotions and warmth in the hugs and smiles and kind wishes and words. There were tears. There were smiles. There were calm silences to regroup and hear the strong word that always rings true to my heart chords. There was comfort and joy.

But in the back of my mind, I kept hearing in the back of my mind and on my heart that this is home. It is good to return home.

I know that home is a comfortable feeling. I know that things will change and grow and evolve and reform...but at its true core, home is tradition and comfort and joy and truly that there is "no place like home for the holidays."

And since my mom's death I have tried to search and figure out what the new definition of home is...

Returning home to Minnesota is different now, more difficult, and harder without her presence. Steve even feels this and has said it. Not meant to be mean or hurtful but it is my presence that makes home difficult and hard and I know deep down that it will get better as the pain decreases more and more. But I am a part of her and represent her. I am her son and have a portion of her I carry with me daily. But she was my home and was my feeling of security and stability and warmth. And I can feel her presence in Minnesota. I can feel her presence with me every day...pushing me forward...cheering me on...nudging me forward...

There is also this wonderful idea of returning home that is filled with warmth and joy. The idea of comfort. The idea of ease and calm and memories from the past. And sharing adventures. And reconnecting with loved ones. And being together. And enjoying the energy and joy of these moments. The smiles. The giggles. The ease of settling back in.

But also we need to recognize that things cannot stay the same. Life does move on. Life does move forward and it is all because we need to LIVE life to its absolute fullest and that is important. We need to pursue our dreams and our life goals and enjoy being home when we are there. Making the best decisions to change our lives and notice when life needs to be changed. Honor the moments, and calm, and traditions returning home brings. We make the most of the moments when we are together, honor the differences of change, and relish in the laughter and joy being home brings.

May this Christmas bring you the feelings that "returning home" brings you. May it be filled with tradition, and warmth, and comfort, and joy and laughter and common shared stories and memories recalled. Filled with sweet memories and recalling stories from the past.

My love to you all sweet travelers. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Wishing you all life's blessings and feelings of home and all that that brings your heart and your soul.

The word CHANGE

Can we really "change" something?
There is so much negativity in this world. People are at each other's throats. People are pushing and pulling and polarizing and separating each other from others. There is so much dark cloud aspects...and how do we expect to break this? Is it possible to break  and move closer together or are we beyond this.

 I am going to be honest. I don't hide the fact that I disagree with the route America went when they cast their votes last November. And I understand everyone's need for change...to go against the status quo. And I can get into all of the issues of voting with your ears and eyes closed...voting when there were blatant, obvious examples of ridiculous vile vulgarity. And YET, we voted the way we did when the issues were obvious and focused against my community. We who have FOUGHT for our place at the table have felt the sting of this vote. Women and LGBTQ folks alike. And so many around me voted under the guise that we need someone different, even though he showed blatant leanings towards surrounding himself hypocritically with GOD and the far right and conservative thought process, knowing that the possibility was HUGE that everything would be reversed.

And yet, I am the first to admit that both sides were not the greatest in regards to the 2016 choices. And yet I cast my vote.
I cast my vote to make sure that the advances the LGBTQ community had been granted in previous years were protected.
I cast my vote for advancing forward.

And now we flash forward and now we see that 45's main function is to reverse EVERYTHING Obama brought to the table and opened up for humanity. And many can think and say, "Oh it won't happen. He won't do that. Oh he will be smarter than that."
And now we see his truth.
He has blown up his Twitter account with blatant hatred and head-shaking ridiculousness.
He has publicly promoted hate groups by saying nothing but placing blame on "both sides" never once condemning what was said in the first place. Folks could say that he didn't do this...yet by not FULLY addressing this and by using the "both sides are at fault" he has given these hate groups a platform and a "justification" to be at the table.
He has spoken at religious groups conventions who pass pamphlets basically call my community  and lets just say it, ME an abomination. Me...an abomination and something that needs to be fixed. He has JOKINGLY said that his Vice President would want to see folks like ME hung.  Lynched from the highest tree...

He has surrounded himself with people who are "Christ-like" and yet turning his back on so many struggling Americans, treating many disrespectfully, and in the face of current natural disasters, has proven absolutely heartless in how he, being a representative of our country, has interacted and responded. Heartless. Disgusting. Throwing paper towels at it.

And inch by inch...tearing the mode of decency down and down until we will have nothing to stand on.

For when he is allowed to act this way...others are too.

And people are watching.
People are listening.
Children are watching.
Children are listening.

I am horrifed by this.

By the spin.
By allowing the lies. Blatant or not.
By the soap opera he has created in the house that once held dignity and was highly respected.
The position that held decorum and pride now is tainted and continues to crumble.
And when the proverbial crap hits the fan...or too much crap is being forced down America's throats...all of a sudden we have pictures and stories of this all-amazing leader surrounded by pastors, members of the cloth, saying he is a Godly man...I will have none of it.
Blindness.
Sheer blindness and stupidity.
We have been had.
And we have been had stupendously.

When considering  the world of "Handmaid's Tale" and the horror of that representation of a country under "Christ-like" restructuring, how are members of my community supposed to feel protected and safe? When our President jokes of hanging and lynching and deprives transgender military service people their right to serve...are you serious?

When many look to Canada and all they have been able to achieve and say, hmmm, shall we move? That is sad. We are the land of the free and the brave...when most do not feel free whatsoever...or come here to be free and pursue their golden dream and are placed in shackles by a racist travel ban or building a wall to keep others out...

How Christ-like indeed

And yet we are supposed to support CHANGE.
We are supposed to embrace CHANGE.
We are supposed to be the CHANGE makers.

How does one get motivated to be able to do that in the face of the circus of hate and ridiculousness that we have placed before us and is being shoved down our throats.

Years ago I was in an amazing musical entitled Ragtime. This powerful musical is all about the misunderstood, the down-trodden, the folks who are fighting for a place at the table. This song plays on repeat track in my mind...one of the most powerful moments EVER in my stage career...to have Kevyn sing this in my face with glorious baritone and passion...

America was built on PATRIOTISM.

But PATRIOTISM comes in many forms.

The very fabric of our American history is built on patriotism and fighting for what is right and good and true and not being afraid to speak up.

To those who complain about the NFL bending a knee during the National Anthem, I say, "Push back is JUST as American as the complacent. Patriotism is wanting a better tomorrow and fighting for it. Patriotism is NOT denying folks a proper place at the table meant for EVERYONE by our forefathers."

With this in mind...

I CAN and WILL fight for change.

I will donate to causes that are set up to FIGHT the ridiculousness we are now experiencing.

I will MARCH.

I will FIGHT.

For my community AND for those who are being forced to be complacent or not allowed to SPEAK.

I will SPEAK.

LOUD 

and

CLEAR.

For Mom.

When Mom was battling and fighting and trying to stay ahead of the game, I spent time searching Youtube and backlog of music to see if there was some songs that could become cheerleaders for her recovery. Sometimes this would get posted on her Facebook page to cheer her up, encourage her, help her through the day.

This would have been one of those songs.

I can find great solace in the lyrics of the song "Don't Worry About Me" by Frances.

Even if I fall down, where you are not around...

Don't Worry About me...

Don't worry about me.

I'll feel the fear for you.

To make you feel comfortable...

If I fall, you fall.

If I rise, We rise together.

Don't worry about me.

Even with Mom gone, this song feels important.

Yes

It brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart sad...but also brings a feeling of  being empowered.

I know that this will become more of an anthem for me...

Heck, for all of us.

As days droll on.

As we move forward alone and together.

I love that if I fall, you fall and if I rise, we will rise together.

It truly takes a village and a network of friends and family and acquaintances and just coming at each day with the thought of making it easier for others by trying to make it easier.

We all carry our own loads of weight.

And no one really knows the weight and burden the other carries.

All it takes a little kindness.

A smile.

Reaching out when you know the going is tough for someone.

Just saying Hey.

Just providing that hug when you need it most.

Saying I love you and meaning it.

Providing a release of laughter.

Just letting it all out and others just listening and being a sounding board.

Be there friends.

For yourself.

For others.

We will rise together

I love what this song says...a new power song...

A little song...

To push you.

To get you through. 

To inspire you.

To give you a reason. 

To love.

To live.

To pursue your dreams.

To make mistakes and learn from them.

To find that inner drive to persevere and get up in the morning to face another day.

To say I am ok.

Where I am.

Who I am.

That I can indeed conquer any obstacle in my way and come out into the light...

On the other side.

Different. 

Brilliant.

Beautiful 

And whole. 

Gratitude for today as always.

Carry on my fellow travelers.

Be the conqueror we all know you to be.

A sheep or a dragon?

It is no secret that many people love the HBO show Game of Thrones. Viewers and obsessive audiences alike get so caught up in it's stories and intrigue and deception and fantasy.

In a recent episode, a very strong older female character told an up and coming female ruler that most men are sheep...

"Are you a sheep?" She asked her, 

"No. You are NOT a sheep. 

You are a dragon. 

So be a dragon."

And this struck me.
How many times have we lost sight of who we truly are? And it takes a juggling from someone close to us to bring us back to our true center core of who we are as a human being?

"Are you a sheep? NO You are a dragon..."

Sheep lose their way.
Dragons are a force to be reckoned with.

Sheep are gentle, and kind, and nurturing. There is almost a demure quality to them, if I may say that? And while I don't think that these are negative qualities,  it also hints at a sense of complacency as well...getting "too comfortable." And that is wrong. That makes life tedious and boring and you risk losing your creative focus. Living life fully sometimes requires you to step outside the box and live life fiercely.

Times like these sometimes calls for a ferocious focus and living on the edge of something great. Scissor like focus on what needs to be done, a drive to complete the process, and reshift your vision towards something new you may have never ever thought of...

It sometimes requires stepping outside of your comfort zone and sheep do not do that. They stay where it is comfortable. They don't rock the boat. I am feeling stuck in this mode a bit...perhaps creatively speaking...but not sure what this all means exactly...so perhaps this is just a verbal vomiting to get it off my chest and nothing forward from there....or perhaps something different? Who knows.

In doing a little research into this, I found that dragons are symbolic in many different cultures and represent many different aspects of personality and drive. They are protective, fierce, fire-breathing, sexual beings. European dragon lore depicts them as protective of riches, sinful, symbols of wickedness. Asian dragons symbolize wisdom, longevity, sexuality, procreation, fertility, and regeneration.  Japanese dragons are hugely connected to water and fluidity. Vietnamese dragons represent life, growth, existence, and prosperity. In Chinese culture, the dragon represents the most potent of all symbols bringing luck and prosperity to the picture, showcasing abundance, and consistent success and high achievement in all things attempted. 

In all cultures, the dragon is still a very popular symbol that stands for valiance, heroism, boldness, self-confidence, power, excellence, perseverance, nobility, vitality and happiness. It brings about physical as well as spiritual well-being and strength. It is related to the spring season and is representative of auspiciousness and new beginnings. I love this and perhaps this is where I connect to the dragon phrase so much...I am in the middle of a new beginning as it were...a beginning without my mother, a new beginning in regards to my career, a new beginning in regards to creative adventures and what that unknowingly entails.

With all the uncertainty that surrounds this concept, I still absolutely love this. Uncertain times brings about the most creative juices. When you look back on your life, I think it is important to pay close attention as to what is needed at the appropriate time frame. It is important, I think, at times to sit back, listen, and take in with a calm demeanor or is it time to jolt your senses into taking action. We definitely are on a precipice it seems and at what point do you decide it is time to leave the comfort and jump in with firey streamlined focus and get things accomplished?

In most cultures, the dragon also symbolizes balance. Interesting fact as well to take into consideration

So what I am asking is that we take a moment recognize our strengths. If you struggle with this, ask other to tell you what they think your strengths are...where is your dragon components that you are not seeing and embrace what they have to say. It would be very interesting to hear what other folks have to say...Then bring those strengths to the table, and use the talents we are all given for the common good of all of our communities.

Be the DRAGON we all know you to be.

One year anniversary...

oh my goodness.

One year ago.

I got up super early and headed north driving the longest drive i had ever taken...

to the moment I had dreaded my entire life.

I knew I had to say goodbye.

I knew I had to say "It was okay to go"...

When my heart was just not ready.

But I knew I had to.

For you.

This has been a rough year without you

I know it has only been a year since your departure, but truthfully, it feels like 5. 

Like 10.

Like infinity.

This has been the longest year of my life.

Your departure has been rough on all of us.

That smile that could light up any room.

And it wasn't there to brighten the darkness that surrounded all of us.

I have never gone through something this intense, this deep, and felt like something had been ripped away.

Even though I knew in the back of my mind.

I knew we were there at those final months...those final moments.

But it is never enough time.

I miss the dancing.

I miss the late night talks over wine.

I miss the support and guidance.

I miss the listening and the laughing and the love.

I miss the hugs.

I miss the phone calls 

that is the worst part of this empty hole right now and will continue to be.

I miss the adventures and the stories.

The memories come flooding back of our last night together.

I am so grateful that you waited for me to get there.

I am grateful that you are no longer struggling.

You never showed us the pain you were experiencing.

You showed us the fight. The courage. The strength. And all with style and grace and a constant smile...pushing through and staying positive.

You shared so much with all of us.

Even that moment on the plane, flying back to Minnesota on our last adventure together, you were there to listen to the lady a row ahead of us when she asked if you were struggling with breast cancer...you didn't shy away from it and even shared your story of being a positive influence for those struggling with this awful disease. She was impressed and so tearful, having her own breast cancer story, and grateful and thankful to you for sharing yours. 

It was so YOU.

There for everybody. 

Sharing your story. 

Leading with positivity at all times.

You left us that legacy. 

That lesson.

And we will be forever grateful to you.

There are so many photos I will always cherish. These are my favorites and showcase YOU. 

You were so special to so many of us. 

The light of many parties.

That smile.

Those hugs.

The advice.

Making sure each of us felt loved and supported.

Always taking care of us.

The times we have shared. 

The adventures.

The struggles.

All part of our story.

Thank you for bringing Christmas into our lives every year.

It was your favorite holiday.

It was your passion for Santa that I will never forget...even keeping him around all year round.

Under glass.

Keeping that spirit in our lives day in and day out.

Even throwing Christmas in July parties for your friends.

It is that giving nature, that being there to help others as well that is important for us to always remember.

I will never forget right after you passed, seeing the Santa on the bike outside the hospital. 

It felt poetic and perfect. 

I keep Santa out by your picture, by your ashes, and I know you would love it.

I keep looking at your picture and know that smile is what drives me to be a better man 

day in and day out 

and to continue to make you proud.

I don't feel you around me all the time.

I pray that that will change.

I miss you.

I feel you most when I am in your car.

That has been both difficult and heart warming.

It has been the hardest to navigate through...

I feel you the most when I am in there, driving home.

I feel you when I am on the road.

I am so grateful for this gift.

I felt you the most in our Badlands moments together. 

At the top of the mountain.

looking down on our rock.

And feeling nothing but absolute gratitude.

I hope I made you proud.

I wanted to make sure everything was just as you would want it.

I will carry you always in my heart.

I will remember you always and share you with others.

I am grateful for all you have taught me.

All you continue to teach me.

Today is an anniversary none of us wish to celebrate.

September 5th.

I know for a fact that this year's anniversary will not be celebratory 

but I will try my hardest to make sure I get somewhere quiet, 

pour myself a glass of wine, and raise it to you. 

To your life. 

To your smile. 

And say Thank you.

For your love.

For your strength.

For sharing yourself with so many

For the lessons you taught.

I hope and pray you are pouring yourself a glass of wine and are sharing it with Donnie, Grandpa Pete, and Dougie at the same time.

Know you are missed every day, every minute, every hour and the love goes on and on. 

7 photos that define/describe your life

I came across a Facebook post that intrigued me. 

Can you find/share 7 photos that define and describe your life up and to this point. 

What a difficult task!!!!

What a challenge!!!

A life is defined by SO many memories. 

So many photographs.

So many moments. 

So many tears..

So many mementos

So much laughter.

Totally cheated and am thankful for the picture frame format on today's apps.

Here are my 7 photo choices:

It begins with a birth.

A beginning.

Provided a childhood without boundaries.

A fairy tale of imaginative adventure.

So many wonderful childhood memories.

Haircuts in the dining room from Dad.

The protective love and support of a mother.

Always good for a hug.

A nurturer and confidante from the very beginning.

The love of four grandparents.

Fried chicken and blueberry pie.

Molasses cookies.

Blondie and his spittoon.

Christmas eves of long gone by.

Childlike wonder and excitement.

Summers spent in Minnesota and Butter Brickle ice cream

Forts in the woods.

Planned parades.

Forcing family to sit through performances I created.

Tears over skinned knees at weddings and bike rides.

 Laughter and no parameters.

Swimming in the lake and innocently jumping in.

My family.

High school sweethearts.

Butterflies and prom. 

Driving the back roads.

Developing a life.

Marriage and sharing cake together with well wishes of all.

Growing.

Evolving.

Turning troubled and turbulent.

A parting.

Second weddings that no one speaks about.

New lives.

New loved ones.

Unconventional.

Wild and crazy and unbound.

Vast and important.

Different.

But looking back from this vantage point, would never change a thing on this life course. 

I would go through the turbulence and pain and tears to have this now family together and a part of me.

Something was missing...

A yearning for Prince Charming.

Yearning to have someone in my life who knew me...

Yearning for that special someone.

Frustrated with my life for so many years, wondering where he was

SO many misses...

Not realizing that my life was SO busy that I truly could not have logically allowed someone else in because I had filled my life with work, work, and more work.

Building that resume and filling life with being on the go.

Still continued to yearn and lament for someone who would grow to intimately know all of me and wouldn't run screaming.

A true love.

A true friend.

A love of a lifetime 

A forever.

And then I found you.

And all else faded away.

The clouds cleared and I knew I had found someone special.

I am so blessed to have found someone who completes me and works beside me towards a better life for both of us.

I am grateful for your love. The joy and giggles you bring me.

Your sense of humor and the sparkle in your eyes when you look at me.

I am grateful for your support.

The last year has not been easy.

But you have been there through it all.

Holding me. 

Supporting me. 

Sometimes not knowing what to say but just being there for me.

I could not have made it throughout this year without you, my love.

I will always love you to the moon and back.

For the love of theatre.

For the love of creativity and having an outlet on which to express my inner thoughts.

To bring characters to life, deeply, emotionally, physically and to be able to show the cracks in the persona.

Intimate.

RAW.

The base on which many friendships in my life are built.

Many friends met on the boards and in the limelight.

Dear friendships that remain even today.

From Mrs. Simek's second grade classroom that Christmas to the stage in the gymnasium and a bald cap.

From my very first community on the Belle Mehus stage with Jane and Shirley to the stage at Century High School donning Biblical robes.

To the most rewarding and difficult and beautiful and raw and poignant roles of my entire life. 

Medora and all its splendor poured into the Badlands encouraging me to come home to ND.

A bawdy patriot in 1776 with a big personality and a flair for the bold.

A little Devil with a goal in mind showcasing fabulous fire.

A Younger Brother with a passion so see a different world.

My Angel. My Love. A role of a lifetime.

An Emcee where nothing is as it seems and no one is safe.

A mother with an inner sense of fabulousness, a wardrobe and love for her family that transcends hatred and bigotry.

No boundaries. Just honesty and humanity.

But I struggle with what is next. What is the next role? I just don't know and that leaves me uneasy and at odds with myself at times.

This is one of my most cherished moments of my entire life.

To have all my parents with me on this day.

My wedding day.

With so much happiness surrounding us.

Knowing that love had brought us on a journey together.

So much to get us to this day.

The journey was rough and sometimes not so great. 

Coming out and all of the struggles that ensued.

The battles between Mom and Dad.

Not always happy but also a truce.

For the love they each had found in their own lives. The struggles to get to that point in their lives.

Allowing someone else in behind the wall.

Wanting a King or Queen to come in and carry them away.

Finding love and contentment.

And all-in-all, this moment.

We made it to this moment.

I am grateful for this moment, frozen in time.

I will cherish this moment in my heart always.

This was the moment frozen in my mind...

Somehow knowing that the cancer was lurking here among us.

Not sure what that uneasiness meant for all of us...

The uncertainty of what that meant.

But so grateful for this happy moment.

To share with family and friends from near and far.

Grateful for their journeys to be there with the both of us.

For the hugs, the toasts, the laughter and tears.

A day we will never forget.

The friendships that have stood the tests of time.

Each one of these friends have been there through thick and thin.

There are a few missing from this moment. 

For that I apologize...but know that

these are the friendships that began all the way back in elementary school...junior high...high school.

Each one of my friends have seen me at my worst.

Supported me when I was struggling.

Supported me when I was at my best.

Hugged me.

Loved me.

Grabbed my booty just to get my face to turn red.

(which it always does)

That is true friendship...knowing which buttons to push.

Just to see my face turn red...

There is MAGIC shared here. 

There is music and art and theater and joy shared here in these friendships.

Some of us believed in the power of "sitting round making music all day long."

There are years and years and years of friendship just in this one picture and for each of them 

(and those not pictured)

...absolute GRATITUDE.

Thank you for your friendship.

Thank you for your love.

I have recently blogged about this photo but it truly is one of my most cherished, 

most favorite photographs.

Kept on a bookshelf inside my classroom.

Explained every year to each student who enters my classroom walls.

It is important.

It is poetic.

It is symbolic.

Looking beyond and outward towards the possibility of the horizon.

Looking out toward a better future and forgetting the past.

Sharing this moment with important loved ones and allowing them into your heart.

Looking forward to infinite possibilities.

Imagining a vibrant future.

And being grateful for each moment.

Because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Feeling blessed for life's adventures

Small or large.

Rough or smooth.

All life defining.

All important.

All beautiful in its own certain way.

Grateful for it all.

Carry on my fellow travelers and make the most of it all.

A meaningful life...

A life well lived...

So much truth in this post.

A compass on how to live your life going forward.

The world is becoming crazier and crazier...

This is how I choose to live...

This is how I will move forward...

Open.

Present.

Real.

And I will try so hard to figure out how to navigate this journey. 

Amen

I am a work in progress.

I am trying to figure out this thing called life.

Sometimes I fail miserably.

But it is in those moments of falling down, that I struggle to get back up, dust myself off, figure out the next step, and move forward as best I can.

I find it harder and harder to shake off failure and disappointment the older I get.

Gentle reminders...

Be kind to yourself.

Breathe.

Refocus your negative thoughts and try to find a positive.

Many things are subtle and require solitude to work your way through.

Honor those moments.

Don't ignore them.

Keep working.

Keep navigating.

Keep the faith and move forward with confidence.

Share love and spread it all around you.

The drive home and Mom is everywhere...

What a journey this all turned out to be. A lot of time to collect my thoughts. A great moment to reconnect with family and friends. A chance to regroup and find a small sense of closure. Looking back on everything, it was perfect. Everything was as "she would want it" and I feel a strong sense of completion in begin able to do this for her. For myself. For my family.

Kindness on my heart and reconnecting with a strong sense of gratitude at all times. Finding peace on the heart, and follow the path and course of loving everyone as fully and as deeply as you possibly can. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you have to live each moment as fully as you possibly can...take time to enjoy the journey...the drive can get blurry if you get going too fast.

I got up early on that Sunday morning and drove all the way from Lake Park to Bentonville, Arkansas. I had after all, pushed everything as closely as I possibly could and had to be in school on that Monday morning...

On the way home, I want to think that Mom had arranged a wonderful, dramatic, breath-taking, beautiful road trip finale...I mean come on...all of this in a 14 hour drive? AMAZING.
The explosion of BRIGHT, GLISTENING CLOUDS...The magnitude of the rain clouds...the bursting through of beams of sun in a rather dark display...
The rainbow pushing through and putting color into a dark world...

I am grateful for the journey itself

 and the entire experience.
I am grateful for everyone I was able to see and visit with on my journey.

I am grateful for the peace and rejuvenation I felt getting home.

I was indeed ready to meet my new kiddos and reconnect with my returning students.

First time in a LONG time I felt this way.

I am grateful for it all.

I thank each of you for your love and support, for every kind word, for every virtual hug, for just listening or reading, for being there when I need you most.

I hope that I can return the favor when the time comes.

And now I can look forward and figure out the next steps knowing that this is a chapter I maneuvered through and could not have done it without YOU.

And for that I am most grateful of all.

t

the rough days ahead

I know there will be rough days ahead...
It all doesn't go away after burial...
The year of firsts comes to an end on September 5th...but then it becomes the second year without her... but it is not THE FIRSTS. And oddly, I take a little solace in that for some reason.

Not blindly...just honestly

One moment during the potluck let me know that this is never over...just different...without her presence.
I was standing in the kitchen with my cousin DeeAnn and my Godmother, Debbie, and Debbie's granddaughter Alyssa came into the kitchen, walking right up to DeeAnn and saying, " Come here. Come Here. I want to show you a picture of you."

Alyssa then led DeeAnn into the living room to the tri-folds of Mom's pictures we created for her memorial service in the lobby. Alyssa pointed to the large 8X10 of Mom's photo from Justin and my wedding and said, "Right here"

"No, no honey, that isn't me. That is my Aunt Bonnie." DeeAnn said and I could just feel the tears well up in my eyes. When DeeAnn came back into the kitchen, I could see how Alyssa could have mistaken her for Mom. She looks so much like her. And so does Debbie. And so does my cousin Sherri. And so do each of us on different levels...and maybe that is definitely how it is supposed to be...reminders...some gentle...so more pushy...some that just bulldoze you over and smack you across the face.

And while it hurts right now thinking about that moment, I know that eventually that will become such a wonderful thing...a piece of her in all of us...immortalized by genetics...but also the fond memories in our hearts and on our souls...of this special lady who could win you over with just a smile and a hug.

And for that I am grateful.

So my friends...

Stay the Course.

Keep the Faith.

Stay Positive.

And make sure your life is a 

LIFE WELL LIVED!!!