oh my goodness.
One year ago.
I got up super early and headed north driving the longest drive i had ever taken...
to the moment I had dreaded my entire life.
I knew I had to say goodbye.
I knew I had to say "It was okay to go"...
When my heart was just not ready.
But I knew I had to.
For you.
This has been a rough year without you
I know it has only been a year since your departure, but truthfully, it feels like 5.
Like 10.
Like infinity.
This has been the longest year of my life.
Your departure has been rough on all of us.
That smile that could light up any room.
And it wasn't there to brighten the darkness that surrounded all of us.
I have never gone through something this intense, this deep, and felt like something had been ripped away.
Even though I knew in the back of my mind.
I knew we were there at those final months...those final moments.
But it is never enough time.
I miss the dancing.
I miss the late night talks over wine.
I miss the support and guidance.
I miss the listening and the laughing and the love.
I miss the hugs.
I miss the phone calls
that is the worst part of this empty hole right now and will continue to be.
I miss the adventures and the stories.
The memories come flooding back of our last night together.
I am so grateful that you waited for me to get there.
I am grateful that you are no longer struggling.
You never showed us the pain you were experiencing.
You showed us the fight. The courage. The strength. And all with style and grace and a constant smile...pushing through and staying positive.
You shared so much with all of us.
Even that moment on the plane, flying back to Minnesota on our last adventure together, you were there to listen to the lady a row ahead of us when she asked if you were struggling with breast cancer...you didn't shy away from it and even shared your story of being a positive influence for those struggling with this awful disease. She was impressed and so tearful, having her own breast cancer story, and grateful and thankful to you for sharing yours.
It was so YOU.
There for everybody.
Sharing your story.
Leading with positivity at all times.
You left us that legacy.
That lesson.
And we will be forever grateful to you.
There are so many photos I will always cherish. These are my favorites and showcase YOU.
You were so special to so many of us.
The light of many parties.
That smile.
Those hugs.
The advice.
Making sure each of us felt loved and supported.
Always taking care of us.
The times we have shared.
The adventures.
The struggles.
All part of our story.
Thank you for bringing Christmas into our lives every year.
It was your favorite holiday.
It was your passion for Santa that I will never forget...even keeping him around all year round.
Under glass.
Keeping that spirit in our lives day in and day out.
Even throwing Christmas in July parties for your friends.
It is that giving nature, that being there to help others as well that is important for us to always remember.
I will never forget right after you passed, seeing the Santa on the bike outside the hospital.
It felt poetic and perfect.
I keep Santa out by your picture, by your ashes, and I know you would love it.
I keep looking at your picture and know that smile is what drives me to be a better man
day in and day out
and to continue to make you proud.
I don't feel you around me all the time.
I pray that that will change.
I miss you.
I feel you most when I am in your car.
That has been both difficult and heart warming.
It has been the hardest to navigate through...
I feel you the most when I am in there, driving home.
I feel you when I am on the road.
I am so grateful for this gift.
I felt you the most in our Badlands moments together.
At the top of the mountain.
looking down on our rock.
And feeling nothing but absolute gratitude.
I hope I made you proud.
I wanted to make sure everything was just as you would want it.
I will carry you always in my heart.
I will remember you always and share you with others.
I am grateful for all you have taught me.
All you continue to teach me.
Today is an anniversary none of us wish to celebrate.
September 5th.
I know for a fact that this year's anniversary will not be celebratory
but I will try my hardest to make sure I get somewhere quiet,
pour myself a glass of wine, and raise it to you.
To your life.
To your smile.
And say Thank you.
For your love.
For your strength.
For sharing yourself with so many
For the lessons you taught.
I hope and pray you are pouring yourself a glass of wine and are sharing it with Donnie, Grandpa Pete, and Dougie at the same time.
Know you are missed every day, every minute, every hour and the love goes on and on.
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