I am proud of you...

A friend of mine posted a couple of days ago a little something that has gotten my dander up...She states:

"I wish people would stop telling me they are "proud of me". I have always been great. The people I have surrounded myself have always seen the greatness that lives within me. I came to Chicago 8 years ago with two suitcases, 200.00 in my pocket and a dream. I've overcome obstacles, challenges, and have been resilient because I had no other choice. When you tell me you are proud of me, your saying you've achieved higher than a level I thought you would. You tell a dog your proud of them for picking up a bone, you tell a child your proud of them when they learn 4+4 = 8! Would you walk up to the president of the United States and say I'm proud of you? No. The president would lol at you like ... When was the last time you disarmed a missile?? Stop its so condescending. Half the time I think in my head, who is this person telling me THEY are proud of me and they sitting up on dry gulch everyday. Have a seat. When I look across the aisle at all my girls doing their things. I say: I celebrate you. I CELEBRATE all that you are, all that you will be, and all that that has made you what you are. That's all. I just am sick of people trying to put me in my place in spaces by saying "I'm proud of you". There are people who actually are genuine and to those people I thank you. But to the rest, I'm just getting started so next time you want to commend someone on their achievements I challenge you to start with "I celebrate you". ‪#‎thatsall‬"

I am disgusted with these comments. To say they rubbed me the wrong way is an understatement...

When I tell someone that I am proud of them, it means just that... I am PROUD OF YOU. I do not give these praises lightly nor is it given or said without heart or sincerity. Your words are offensive to me and the fact that you would compare yourself and your life journeys to the President is offensive as well. Of course I am not going to say, "I am proud of you" to the President because I have never nor will I ever share a performance stage with the President. I have never shared very emotional moments with someone like the President and darling, you are not the President.

What is condescending are your words. I don't have to say anything to you about your accomplishments. I don't have to reach out and say that I am so excited to see your life's adventures are grand and awesome and that I am proud to say that I knew you when. But I did reach out. I did share with you my great sense of pride in saying YOU ROCK!  It is NEVER a question of your abilities or achievement levels or putting someone in their place. It is saying I am in awe of you and grateful to have known you and am so happy you are doing amazing things in this world.

SO heads up, hubris is an awful thing and always comes with dike. Pride cometh before the fall...

I would say this...you are finding your voice getting stronger and stronger within our community whether you dreamed about this or not...and you best take compliments with a stronger sense of humility and humbleness.

Don't give me Oprah...take the compliments as they come and be happy they are coming.

 I, however, going forward will save mine for folks who appreciate these compliments and can handle them being given.

Absence of peace...

One of the things I am finding as the holiday season begins the creep up on us is this overwhelming feeling that something is off or is missing. I am feeling this more so than ever this year. I could go on for a lifetime to talk about the crap going on around the world...but this is of a more personal nature. I am feeling dissatisfied and just plain off, for some reason.

There have been many hurdles I have had to jump over and through over the last six months and if I am going to be truthful and honest with you all, there are some weighty things on my heart. I look back on 2015 and it appears to be a year of unrest and of shaking up my core.

This all sounds so gloom and doom and not all of it is truthfully. Heck, I married the man of my dreams in June and things continue to be wedded bliss. For that I am grateful...but a major event like that is not for trials and tribulations preparing for the big day...it was an entire year of prepping, and working, and dreaming, and hoping and crying and laughing. I learned much about who my family truly is, what it means to be truly humbled, and to truly feel the strong sense of love and light from the entire day. We just felt WRAPPED in all of the love and it is a day I know Justin and I will NEVER forget. But getting to that day was A LOT.

There was a great deal of undercurrent not many know that was occurring at the same time as all the wedding pace was being set. I have been reaching out and taking steps and trying to find my place in the world. I have been struggling with this for many years. I come from a STRONG-willed family who like to keep control of everything. When I was just out of grad school, my first acting contract did not go as it should have and was not as smooth as it should have been shall we say...my Grandpa and Grandma Higdem immediately jumped on the wagon of "You need to forget this whole acting thing and go into teaching and education. Its much more stable and honest and forthright." My father jumped on this bandwagon as well...But I had dreams and passions of learning the theater business...both from an actor's stand point as well as a directors. I felt the need to chart my own course and see what the arts had in store for me. I ended up in Omaha, working in retail and working in theater and never was able to find the 24/7 job in theater, where my heart was longing.

Many of you know my life. Know my path. Know my heart...but now you can see that once I steered away from retail and headed toward education, I felt like I found an intriguing niche if you will...but it was those ever present voices in the back of my head saying I SHOULD do this...that it was STABLE...that it was HONEST. All of these voices cause unrest and the idea of settling for this when I should maintain my course towards artistic fulfillment...HELL I even moved to NYC in 2001 to continue to follow the course I thought I was supposed to be on...

Truth be told, education, I have learned, is anything but HONEST at times and is just as politically driven if not more.  I completely understand that I live in a Utopian frame of mind and perhaps a little la la as well...but I have also learned that the routes so many districts now take, building monstrosities placing so much importance on the likes of sports and the ever glorious football, leaving the idea of academics and the arts to fend for themselves has left a awful taste in my mouth. I understand all of the important aspects sports brings to the student's lives, but it is NOT all about sports. You take one look at American society and how much we pay our athletes, the role models of our children, and many of them struggle to read a book or understand the importance of creative thought... Many of our college students cannot understand the writing of a strong thesis statement but can tell you who won this year's World Series and how they are going to be the next successful athlete. SERIOUSLY???
All of this has left me with distaste and a "What am I missing here? Should I have turned my back on pursuing my dream and ultimate goal?" and has left me longing for something different. Don't even get me started on classroom management and the attitude of students these days in America's classrooms. SAD. Just plain SAD.

I have kept my eye to the artistic grind stone and have applied for artistic directing positions across the country. I have had many opportunities some of which were very eye-opening and frustrating and exciting and jarring. All have been learning experiences along the way, have filled me with self-doubt, and have made me more and more dissatisfied with my current life course. There is an absence of peace in my life and in my heart...

But am I being realistic to pursue these dreams? These passions? Is it realistic for me to look to the proverbial quotes I share on this blog and hope and dream for a different outcome? I do hope so. Many say, but you are so good at teaching. The kids love you. Teaching is in your blood. To which I say yes to a point. I firmly admit that I do love working with my students. They are the drive to go to work every day.  But when years ago, someone in your family tells you this and ignores your dreams and passions pushing instead for the aspects of SAFETY and SECURITY, never having to step foot into a current classroom setting,  and tries to argue it out with you all because the very first moment of artistic work was not what you had dreamed...you can see why I am left with nothing but distaste and discontent.

I continue to remind myself that there is so much there under the current that I want to pursue, have pursued, and have been beaten down so far, but am also reminded of Theodore Roosevelt's quote I come to from time to time:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” 
― Theodore Roosevelt

Carry on, my fellow sojourners.
My love to you.

Even when you doubt...

I pray that this is truth...
Much on my heart these days...
Sometimes it is hard to see where the road leads and the winding path gets really overwhelming...
Yet we trudge on...
Climbing and climbing...

Flying

Going after what you want in life...

Always remember dear weary travelers...if something scares the piss outta ya...you have to try it once cause life is a banquet and most sons of bitches are starving themselves....
Obviously I took great liberties with this one and combined my two of my favorite sayings...one from the great Susie Baer Collins and the other from Auntie Mame...but if you know one or the other...they are basically the same glorious person.
LIVE ON dear friends.
FULLY.
BEAUTIFULLY.
And in the sunshine.

Ships are safe inside the harbor...

All the world is built by dreamers...

and perhaps it sounds cliche' but you truly can wait a lonely lifetime for that proverbial knock on the door waiting for life to say come on...

Or you can grab a hold of the reigns yourself and pursue your dreams...

Doing exactly what you envision for yourself.

There is nothing worse than looking back after it is too late and thinking if only I would have done this...

The time is now.

You only have one lifetime to do exactly what you envision for yourself

And let the nay sayers just go only trudging their way through, bitching and complaining..

You've got a life to lead.

And dreams to accomplish.

The journey to here...

My dear sister from another mister will be calling me very shortly once this post hits the waves...and YES I still get annoyed by this man so much...Clay Aiken just plain annoys me to no end, but Kim just LOOOOOOOOOVES HER some AIKEN.
HOWEVER I will say this...I do like these lyrics sooooooooo much and it really follows my life so closely...

I just like what it says...

On my way here.

Where I am now.

I learned to fly

I have to want to leave the ground

I've fallen hard.

But I've been loved

But in the end it all works out.

My faith has conquered fear.

On my way here.

One of the things both Justin and I felt was important was to recognize the journey of many to get us to our wedding day this summer . And it has been a long and complicated journey to say the very least for both of us as well as for our families. We enclosed a letter of thanks with our wedding favors...

It stated:

"Today we are thankful for the journey, in whatever form it has arrived. Who would have known that 6 years ago, sitting across from one another at that Chili’s table, we would journey together to this site?

We are thankful for your journey here today to be with us. We know that some have traveled long distances to share this day with us and for that we are grateful. We love each and every one of you.

We are thankful to our parents and families for their long journeys getting us both to this day. It has not always been the smoothest of terrain but we are here stronger and filled to the brim with your love.

Our journey together as one begins today and for that we are so grateful and excited to see what adventures lay ahead. We are filled with your love, encouraged by your presence, and grateful for it all."

And we had so many friends join us who flew in from far and wide to be there for our day.

We had so many family members come from LONG distances to be there to share with us on this day beginning our newest adventure together.

And I can only look back on my own personal journey to that day... days between my folks and I were not at our very best. When we struggled to understand each other. When we cried and worried and wondered.

When we struggled to not let hopes and dreams get in the way of allowing me to figure my way through.

I know there were sleepless nights and frustrating calls to their friends thinking what the heck was their son doing? Blaming themselves for something that in the end was there all along.

Looking back, searching the cob-webbed closets and dark spots to see that he truly was this way from the very beginning and now what do we do? 
Not knowing what to do but hoping and praying that God would just lead the way in whatever path He had in mind...

And then to be able to get to this moment right here...

Just brings tears to my eyes and brings thankfulness and joy to my heart.

It is truly a moment I will NEVER ever forget.
And I am forever grateful.

My FAITH has conquered FEAR.
On my way HERE.

5 minute TED church talks & National Coming Out Day

Many of you expressed how you wished you could have been in church for this 5 minute sermon series our church did one Sunday. We were asked to created a 5 minute sermon on the topic of love.

Different views, Different expressions, all unique in our own way.

My speech spans a what seems like a lifetime of lessons, and since it is National Coming Out Day, I thought it would be appropriate to share... 

Put on your reading glasses...

here it goes...

"What I am about to tell you may be jarring. I may offend you on some levels. But I hope to be able to open your eyes and heart in the process...

        In 1993, I came out as a gay man. I had to struggle for years prior to that summer and continued to struggle for years after that summer. And in fact a large amount of my friends mentioned that they talked in code around me. They would say, " D-K-H-G-Y...B-H-W." (Thank you Robyn and Emily) I gave them this odd look, to which they then told me it's definition..."Doesn't know he's gay yet...but he will."

      Family and friends began learning more about me, about who I truly am. My family and friends eventually became fully supportive, embraced me, and loved me for who I am and could become in my new definition. But the coming out butterflies NEVER went away. Each time I came out to someone, the feeling of wanting to throw up prevailed and my nerves would get the best of me. (Much like this Sunday in particular)

      I struggled with "those" Bible verses and my belief that God never gives up. That He created us ALL in His image and did not create trash. God created each and every one of us in his own image and each soul was special and unique to Him in our own way. It took me years to figure all of this out and to come to terms. His love was unconditional and open-ended. He had sent his Son to forgive each of us our many sins and to teach us how to love one another.

      The years rolled on. I pined for true love yet I was driven to succeed. I filled my days with retail work during the day to pay the rent and working as a theater director every night. I lined up show after show to take on, to build my resume. Yet I longed for true love. I could never figure out why God had not brought me my own Prince Charming to share my life with. It took a life change, a move down to Arkansas to slow down and to realize that there was no way to fit true love into a hectic schedule. Slowing down and moving to a different location and way of life to find my true love.

      I met Justin after two weeks of being here in Little Rock. He lived in northwest Arkansas and we saw each other every 3 weeks or so. Eventually he moved down here to be closer to me and my family, we moved in together, and began our lives together.

      I thought everything was becoming perfect. Yet one Christmas Eve, I got the mail and found a card from my cousin up in northern Minnesota. Upon reading the 3 page letter enclosed, I quickly realized that the dreaded moment had arrived. My cousin had taken it upon herself to hurl Bible verses AT me through her glass walls, offending not only me, but also my partner and my entire family. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that my aunt had had her hand in it as well and that these two had done this not only to me but also to other members of our family who had suffered divorces, sewing Bible verses at them as well...calling them sinners and hell bound.

     The struggle for me became could I forgive  and forget through the hurt and the pain they had caused. Could I forgive them for their ignorance, for never once attempting to reach out to us and ask the questions, instead reigning down judgement on us all from their pedestal, taking the easy way out. The inner struggle was real. I found I could forgive them, but would never be able to forget...for as we say every Sunday, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

     All contact stopped. Life continued on. this side of the family only gets together maybe once a year if that so the struggle didn't feel so bad. Turmoil is easier to deal with from a distance it seems.

     Last summer, my uncle passed away. During the service, we were asked to write fond memories of Don. I wrote about how Don and his entire family was a source of unconditional love when my family suffered a divorce. Don and his family called my Mom and I with open arms and said, "It's okay. Come home. We love you." When I came out to them and introduced them to Justin, it was such an uncomfortable moment. But their love never faltered. "It's okay. Come home. We love you."

     The service completed. Everyone was hugging. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to an immediate hug and apology from this cousin. She cried. She whispered, "I am so sorry. I did not mean to cause you hurt. I love you but can't we just agree to disagree?" The wish was sincere. The apology was very sincere and accepted. But then my aunt stated the EXACT same statement...Can't we just agree to disagree...

     And you know? The answer is actually NO. What they were asking me to do was to deny who I am as a human being, who I am at my very core. I posed the following question to them. What they were asking me to do is say, "Hey I can't wrap my mind around the fact that you are a mom so can we just agree to disagree? Or I can't wrap my mind around the fact that you are a woman so why don't we just say let agree to disagree." Can you see how I could NEVER respond to something like this?

    I responded, "No, you have hurt me. You have hurt someone I love very deeply, someone you have NEVER even taken the time to get to know. DO you see the difference with what I said about Don and his family and what you have just asked me? You said, 'I love you BUT...' when they offer, 'I love you. PERIOD.'

    Consider this the stone being dropped into the smooth water of my life, causing the ripple effect. I love you. PERIOD.

    Love does not come with restrictions.

    Love does not come with conditions.

    It shouldn't if it is true.

    It is ever encompassing and I for one am so thankful that Jesus didn't say, "I love you...but..." and instead opened up his arms and said, "It's okay. Come home. I love you. PERIOD."

     This has become my life motto. I love you. PERIOD.

      Jump ahead a year. Justin and I just got married over the summer. I feel like such a king. Our day was so special, filled with tradition, with support, with love we could feel surrounding us. This love continues.

      Gay marriage is new. Gay marriage has no boundaries or expectations...no one wears the traditional wedding dress if they don't want to. Our day was steeped in new traditions. New elements. We prayed the Lord's Prayer lakeside. We passed a pouch with our rings inside for attendees to pray over. And we opted for the non-Corinthians mode of Bible verse for our day...

Colossians 3:12-14

12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 

13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 

14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

It was an amazing day filled with laughter and fellowship and love.

And Wear LOVE everywhere you go, friends.

Carry on...

With Love...

Passage

These are from happier times.

These are photos from a long time ago and show a bright, huge spirit. 

A vibrant joyful soul who filled a room when she entered it. 

She passed this along to her daughters and those she loved.

But somewhere along the way, this train derailed...

Leaving mess and sadness in her departure.

My sister Tiffany was the life of the party. She was so much fun to be around. We all had so many laughs and giggles. She had to be the center of attention. And then along came Mike to the family and then the girls and the giggles continued.

But then the Sunday touch base discussions began to shift to something is wrong with Tiff. 

Liquor, by the bottle, was disappearing from our house only to show up in hiding places throughout the house as well as the tree line in the yard.

The more she drank, the louder and angrier she became. 

I think what was happening was that Tiffany was struggling to be the center of attention at every party, while struggling to be a strong mother for her girls, all the while listening to the wrong people for support. 

 Our family began to place the wedge... 

We had too...she was dangerous and vocal and more angry and unrecognizable.

And unwilling to see it all...

While one side of the family tried to get Tiffany to see the error and seek help, the other side coddled her. 

Denial of her true self. 

"My daughter is not an alcoholic. My daughter doesn't have a problem" 

Enabling. 

Selfishly fueling her.

And not listening to the warnings being given them. 

Unwilling to listen through their red anger.

Thinking they were helping her, only doing harm, and helping her downward spiral.

You throw in boyfriends, while still married, who supported her drinking and partying.

You throw in rumors of boyfriends with heroin attachments.

You are forced to make hard decisions to not invite her to huge family events because she cannot hold her own and has angered to many folks.

You throw in Tiff's propensity for seizures and you begin to think, sadly,

"When are we going to get that phone call telling us Tiff has left us."

And the phone call came.

And it was still a hard phone call to take.

All we are now left with is sadness and emptiness.

The enablers are left with guilt and lots of questions.

The what-ifs, the why did we not take care of this, how could we have not seen this...even though the warning signs were blatant and in your face.

Autopsy results do not lie.

That's something that they will have to deal with on their own and live with.

I however am angry.

I am sad.

I am pissed off at Tiffany 

for allowing this to happen AND to leave behind two little girls.

One JUST celebrated her eighth birthday and Tiff missed it.

I think our family is all feeling the same stuff.

We know what we did was right.

We know that there was nothing we could do.

We are angry that we were forced to separate ourselves from her because she could not find it in herself to reach out and get the help she needed even 

though we tried to make that happen.

And all were are left with right now is 

SILENCE.

Her voice and big spirit is gone.

She has left the room and the air has been sucked out of it.

And the quiet is deafening.

Why would we go back??

Hillary brought up a very good point in her speech when Justin and I were able to attend a fundraising event here in Little Rock this summer. She stated, and I paraphrase, "Nothing the Republican party says is forward thinking. All they want to do is change what has already been created. Why would we go back?" And it got me thinking and pondering and wondering...But it also locked me in my steadfastness when I have thought about all that has happened in my life over the past 9 months.

There is NOTHING anyone can say to me that is going to sway my thoughts and my heart on this batch of circus clowns known as the Republican party candidates. They are SO FAR RIGHT that I find it hard to believe that ANYONE can bring them back to the center a bit so as to not offend folks and bring us all back together... They have offended women, they have offended the entire Hispanic population, they have offended the entire gay population, and it is my hope that they offend themselves right off the ballot and out of the running when it comes to voting time.

Now I am not entirely sold yet on any candidate, but when you try to stand up behind your podium and tell me that the color of your skin or the size of your pocketbook provides you the opportunity to be a bigot, to be hateful, to be racist, to tell anyone who is not you that you cannot live in the land of the free and the brave, I have a problem with that.

I have a problem with someone of the opposing gender trying to tell women how to live their lives and promising to defund a particular business because of rumors...I have a problem with that.

I have a problem when one candidate decides to NOT say ANYTHING when some loud mouth stands up and disrespects the name of our current president... and continues the same ole REPUBLICAN rhetoric about our President being this or being that...something they have done for the last 6 years...all in the name of patriotism...when all it is is disrespectful and shows a lack of maturity and quite frankly, supports a common theme throughout the entire Republican party...an unwillingness to work together for the COMMON GOOD OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. I have a HUGE problem with that.

This President has not been the best all the time, but when you look at the crap bowl he was handed and where we are today...it is like night and day...and that says ALOT...Don't even get me started on equal rights!!!! Justin and I would not be where we are today if it wasn't for this current President and the tone he has set throughout DC and the entire country in regards to gay rights and marriage.

This government is BROKEN and needs an overhaul. But then heck, so is the American population. When one woman and a Republican presidential candidate think they are allowed and entitled to break the laws set forth by the Supreme Court, there is something wrong. Do your DAMN job or get out of the office so that someone can. It is not a question of your religious right and duty...this country was birthed out of the need for a great pursuance of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and was formed strictly with the idea of a separation of church and state. DO Your JOB or get out of the way of advancement. And that particular Republican candidate should open up a law book and give it a read...hell open up a high schooler's American Government book and do some studying...and you want to be President...disgusting.

I am tired of all of the BS. I am tired of all the crap being said on television. And we get so many more weeks and months of this to look forward to...

THANK GOD!!!!
(Heaven help me. I may have busted a gasket.)

Go about your daily business...nothing happened here...just a regular ole day...

Gentle Courage

Justin and I had a pretty cool experience the other night. We were able to attend a fundraiser dinner for the Democratic Party Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton. We were not on the floor but in the seats directly across the arena from her podium. The energy in the room was infectious. It was a really neat experience. Sadly, Bill was not in attendance and I joked with a friend that I would have tinkled in my undies if he was in the room. LOL!!!! On a side note, I really liked what she had to say and agreed with a large number of points she brought up.

We had the opportunity to sit next to this lovely elderly couple and I struck up a conversation with the husband. It was like a golden moment of awesomeness. I believe his name was Tom. (I am horrible with remembering names, but always remember faces) As we began our conversation, I admitted to Tom that we had never been to any sort of rally, political or otherwise, and that this was a pretty cool experience so far. He went on to explain that he and his wife had helped campaign for both Clinton's. Tom admitted that he and his wife had been married before they were even out of high school, celebrated 62 years of marriage, had two children, a 61 year old and a 58 year old. GASP. Put everything into perspective. I began to think about exactly how old these two actually were and how much they had seen and experienced in their lives together. It was truly inspiring and a really cool moment.

One of the moments Tom began to talk about helping Bill's governor campaign. Arkansas is known for their amalgamation of beliefs and types of folks, including and correctly so, the redneck back woods folks. They are STRONG in their views and STRONG in their beliefs and that is one if the most admirable, most frustrating things I enjoy about this state, even if these views differ greatly from my own beliefs.

Tom spoke of a moment when Bill went to a small town in Arkansas to ask its residents for their votes. It seems two good ole boys tried to get Bill to take off his political suit and take some chewing tobacco with them and have a more comfortable chat. Bill stood his ground as he did not chew and wasn't planning on beginning any time soon. The boys ridiculed Bill but he stood his ground.
It was at this moment that Tom mentioned the idea of "Gentle Courage". He said that there are examples of this idea all around us. Bill exemplified the idea of gentle courage, knowing what he would and would not do to win, being strong in his own belief structure and truthfully, being comfortable in yourself  and who you are to find this inner strength. Standing up for what you truly believe is difficult, especially if you face negativity and aggression. Standing your ground as to what you will put up with is hard. It is easier to just try and go along with the flow, not ruffling any feathers, and suppress your feelings. Even when you DON'T agree.

I think we miss having this sort of inner focus until we get out of our awkward stages, the high school years, the 20's, the 30's, sometimes even into our 40's do we struggle with figuring out who we truly are. Heck, who am I kidding? There are folks well into their 60's who struggle with figuring out who they are.

I like this idea of Gentle Courage. You don't have to have an "in your face" aggressive kind of bravery. You don't have to be an "in your face" kind of personality either to get things accomplished and exemplify this gentle courage. You can find strength within yourself and must trust that you have it within you to make a difference and live the life you have imagined for yourself.

I see this idea of Gentle Courage in so many folks around us. Facing life's struggles with grace, with energy, with love.

It is beautiful. It is scary. It is inspiring.

Thank you, Tom, for your kindness, and for your thought-provoking discussion. You had me thinking and contemplating and struggling and enjoying our thoughts. Was one of those GREAT discussions that leaves you thinking for weeks after it passes...I love those moments.

Post wedding stories...

We have returned to the land of Arkansas after a wonderful week and a half of preparation and celebration. We had such a wonderful time visiting and reconnecting with family and friends. I was so concerned about not getting the chance to be able to actually visit with folks who had traveled miles and miles and not get the chance to spend some time reconnecting. Friends I have not seen in so many years, family members who flew in to share our special day, friends who drove in to be present with us.
It was truly overwhelming. Many memorable traditions...At one moment, our dear friend and officiant, Anthony began the ceremony by telling us about the love that we should feel and how everyone present was our family. It was at this point that he gets everybody together for a family selfie.

cool moment#1

We had our rings passed around the attendees for them to be able to bless them, place their best wishes on prior to the actual ceremony. I stole this from our dear friends, Steve and Kelly Holley's wedding. I was so honored that Steve was able to make it in from Denver to be there for our day! And then our ring security, who were our godsons, Blaine Garrett and Cash Henry were to bring up the rings for the vows. Cash got shy and Blaine was left to his own and did terrific!

cool moment #2

We found an idea of having memory chairs at the wedding site off of the Pinterest site and were able to implement that. My grandparents and my uncle were memorialized and we could feel their presence there surrounding us. 

And then we ended the ceremony with everyone gathering around us and connecting to us. My dad lead us in the final prayer and we all said the Lord's prayer and it was so moving. The energy and the hush of the day, you could hear the rolling of the lake, and the whispers of prayer. It was beautiful and moving and a moment I will NEVER forget.

goose bump moment...

We did not want to have a guest book. I called my dear friend, Megan, to ask her about her marriage to her wife, Sarah, and what stood out for her as memorable. She and Sarah had a wedding certificate that included portions of their vows, and spoke of their commitment, and all of the guest were able to sign it as witnesses to this love. I created a certificate and we implemented this wonderful tradition. Megan and Sarah have theirs framed and under glass and hung at the entrance to their home. This is our plan to do so as well...

It was a memorable day, filled with lots of tradition and fond memories were created. We are so grateful for all of the love we felt, for all of the support we had from friends and family, helping us prep for the day, and the day was beautiful.

One moment was scary...we did have a tornado watch/warning right before dinner was to be served. We quickly had our guests help move tables inside and tear the tent down before the rain came. We were able to do so and dinner was served. My dear friend, Shari, was able to capture one of the most memorable photos for our event.  The weather passed and we were able to share some pretty spectacular rainbows.

Goose bumps abound!

A beautiful moment...

During my advanced drama class schedule, one of the areas my students study is the topic of performance art and finding your own voice. It is a beautiful study topic in the aspect that kids can get outside their self-imposed box and figure out a way to utilize the art of theatre and music and movement to share something they are passionate about. It usually turns into some really profound performances, very moving, and my students always really enjoy the unit of study.

They also become a little unnerved by how raw performances can be. In the past, we have seen powerful performances dealing with bullying, anorexia, how "no" means "no", gang deaths and the effects on families, and even the effects of guns in the schools. REALLY powerful work and kids are so moved.

They study great teachers of this movement. They learn about many different performance artists from our theatre history roots. One of the amazing artists they study is Marina Ambramovic.

Recently, Ambramovic was doing a live art performance at the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art that consisted of spend one minute in complete and utter silence with a total stranger. What I noticed as profound about this performance art piece was the idea of what you can see behind someone's eyes if only you will take the time to actually pause and look deep. So many times we look to the ground, try so hard not to make eye contact, we get caught up in the fast pace and blur the edges of our surroundings to just get by and get going to get ot where we are going with just as little contact as possible. Many just look to the ground to not let anyone in...into your head, into your heart, but what ends up lacking is honesty, of sharing your truth, integrity, and people begin to question your intention. But when one stops and REALLY LOOKS into someone's eyes, you see into their soul, into their heart, and after you get passed the awkwardness, you can truly connect.

Many people showed up to witness and be a part of this artistic event, but her response to one person in particular was especially moving and brought tears to my eyes. SO heart-breaking and profound. AT around the 1:30 point in the Youtube video, Ambramovic looks up and into the eyes of someone she has not seen in almost 30 years. Ulay, her former lover, sits down in front of her and it is this moment of realization that is beautiful and painful and raw. Marina and Ulay had broken up and had never looked back but always wondered. She clearly tries to hold it all together but cannot and then once he leaves, she tries to reconnect but is clearly shaken and moved.

What I also found so poetic is the moments surrounding their final moments together. they start on either end of the Great Wall of China. They walk to each other, embrace each other, and turn and walk away to never look back. And they didn't. Uber romantic, uber profound...kinda over-the-top, but yet truly poetic.

One of the lyrics within the underscoring states, "He just had to know if she had forgot his name."


Ever had one of those true loves? Ever wondered?

What is your calling?

Over the past few years, I have struggled with this question.

"What is your calling? What are you destined to do?"

 There is not a "be all end all" answer as I believe our calling can be more than one thing. What I am finding is that creative souls drain themselves of their creative juices and lose sight of their end goal. Some may not even have an end goal in sight or may have become so overwhelmed with just living that they have not even thought about it. Spinning their wheels, if you will. You can also be good at so many things, and still feel unfulfilled. Or lose sight of a dream or goal.

So many times we also listen to that inner critic, that little voice inside our heads, that says we cannot do something, or we are incapable of being good at something so we refuse to attempt it. Some even rely on those around us, who become that inner/outer critic who try to talk you away from these goals and that is an entirely different struggle.

Many of you have voiced a lack of drive, a lack of vision and I found a wonderful young woman on Youtube who has some terrific, things to say about finding your calling. Her name is Tara Sophia Mohr. Give it a listen and then lets touch base.

The seven steps she mentions are the following:

1. A vision of what could be

2. A pain or frustration with what is happening in our lives

3. I feel like I am supposed to do this.

4. We feel a resonance and flow while working through it.

5. We resist our calling

6. We don't have everything we need to achieve our calling

7. You are not yet who you need to be.

Holy buckets this rings true to me on SO MANY LEVELS. Especially number six. As many of you know, I have been working through a struggle to find my calling and trying to figure this all out in the past two years. It has been a huge struggle. But that is also the cool thing, for if everything was given to you just because you deem it necessary, achieving everything without one modicum of struggle, what good is it? For in the end, nothing is achieved, no goal reached, no calling attained, without some struggle to become that new being. A new You.

A little Higdemism: Remember, this is your life to live. You must find happiness. You must find your truth. Why would you live your life in a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" situation and not live your life to its absolute fullest, with utter happiness the end goal. Love fully. Live fully. And find bliss.

I continue to journal. I continue to listen in the silence to try and figure my way through this life and will find ndn achieve that true calling some day. I just know it. 

Will bring tears to your eyes...

Imagine if you will...
Exhausted.
Tired and wanting that second cup of coffee to kick in. It is early morning and I am driving into the school parking lot...and it is early. It has been a long seven weeks of extended days. It has been long days of beginning around 7 am and completing the day around 6/ 630 for seven full weeks. Kids are cranky. I am cranky.
I pull into that parking lot and take my usual spot. I look over and see one of my sophomores and her mom in the car pulling up next to me. I had had this student's brother in my class in the past and he was  a member of my Forensics team as well. I even had the awesome opportunity to teach this young man in my Intro the Theatre course at a local community college.

He is an awesome young man. He played Teddy in my production of Arsenic and Old Lace and Ghost of Christmas Present in A Christmas Carol. Super talented, super personality and HUGE looming presence. He is honest, almost brutally so, but that is one of the things that we all appreciated about this student. And his knack for creating terrific oratories on our Forensics team were truly awesome.

Skip ahead to this moment in the parking lot. Momma gets out of the car and comes around with a lime green gift bag. I get out of the car and immediately say, "Good morning!! What a pleasant surprise!!!"

Momma then says, "This is for you from David. He just graduated from Pulaski Tech with his Associates degree with honors. His advisor encouraged him to not save this stole, but to give it to someone who has changed his life. And he wanted me to give this to you for you have truly changed his life for so many good reasons." and inside is his graduation honor stole with an awesome note of thanks on it.

I am, of course, immediately crying and all I could say was, "WOW. That is so cool!! And you tell David that he got me to CRY again SOOOOOOO early in the morning"

It is one of those moving moments in my life that I will never forget. I will have to find a special way to display this awesome tribute. Super sweet and thoughtful and am so honored to have been a part of this young man's journey.

Birthdays and the passing of time

So yesterday was my 43rd birthday.

I just spent the good length of two hours responding to all of the Facebook wishes and am absolutely overwhelmed and humbled by all of the kindness shared with me on my day. It is so cool when friends take even just a little time out of their schedules to wish me a happy day.

I am finding myself this year, moreso than others, more reflective, more inward than I have been in the past. I am finding that I am on the cusp of many exciting adventures. I am getting married in a few weeks to an amazing man, who puts up with my baggage, puts up with my antics, and is still here after 6 years. I love this man with all my heart and am so excited to be beginning our next journey together in the next few weeks.

The kind words shared from friends, family, and my students has been so moving. I got texts from students, messages of love and thanks from students near and far, family love, and friends I am so grateful that Facebook keeps us connect through. It was an awesome day and am so grateful for it all.

Thankful to be able to continue this journey on this earth and to be able to share it with so many awesome people in my life.

Exhaustion...but in a good way

Its been a good wrap-up to the school year. It is always sad to say goodbye to the seniors. This year has been a year filled with accomplishments, both big and little. A year filled with mind-boggling schedule and struggle. It has been a year filled with cheers and tears.
So many students have touched my life and have said or done so many sweet things to say goodbye. I always wrap up my year in reflection and in hopes that I have cheered loud enough for my students, have said something inspirational enough that can get that one student to think more positively about themselves, or have created my classroom as a safe haven for those lost souls who are struggling to find themselves and figure out who they are.
This year there were sweet letters of goodbye and support from students.
Wonderful gifts with sweet memories tied to them.
Seeing those students deck their mortar boards and graduation gowns and walk across that stage and on to the hopes and dreams for a brighter future. I am just so dang honored to have been a small part of that adventure.
Each year, right as school ends, I experience exhaustion. It is debilitating and I find that I become reclusive and inward. A chance to recoup and regain my energy and spark.


The following video is a wrap-up to our Forensics tournament year. Student created, student driven, and could not be prouder of this fine group of students. Love all of  these kids and just know that each one of them will go far and accomplish many many MANY great things!!!

The Power of Intention

Can't believe that this is the first post of 2015...

I have failed in trying to get my thoughts out here.

So I reach to Oprah...

LOL

It is emotionally traumatizing to open yourself up to new things...new adventures...
It is emotionally traumatizing to wonder what someone would think about you if you made a certain decision or choice to pursue...this "disease to please"is real.

I think we all suffer from this disease...we want so badly to fit in, to make someone proud of us. I lived my life so completely in wanting to do the right thing, to please each and every one I came in contact with...it was only til I completed a round with a therapist that I found that it was MY life to live and that I am the one who can find happiness because are we really happy if we are living OUR lives for other's happiness all the time? I think the answer would be NO deep down.

However, I settle into this disease SO easily. SO quickly. And it is in AH HA moments that I find the need to separate myself, gently reminding myself that it is okay to change...ignore the inner critic that is telling you no and remind yourself of why you are here.

Am I saying that you should be selfish...NO.
I am saying that it is YOUR life to lead. Your path to chart. Your heart to feed. Choose with intention and not lead a life of fear.

But these words are so powerful and eye-opening.
What do you want your actions to say...how do your actions communicate to others...so important to think about that prior to a choice...

But as one of my mentors once said...once you make that decision...make the decision and do not second guess..don't look back...
 And it is OK.
It is your life to lead FULLY and imaginatively!!!