As I look dreamily back, I look forward

I am going to admit this...I am an emotional person.

I cry at the drop of a hat at the tiniest bit of nostalgia.

As I sit here looking at a glowing Christmas tree, I am reminiscing of all the passed 38 years and am in awe of the precious memories I hold so dear. I dream of Grandma Holm's laughter and the smell of her molasses cookies...you know the one's...with the cream cheese frosting? I can smell the warmth. I can sense the feeling of Blondie being there. I can see the twinkle in Grandpa Pete's eyes as he sits in his recliner.

I dream of the snow falling as I walked through the woods to find that perfect Christmas tree...a boy of 6 or 7, roaming the hills of my grandparent's farm, searching for the ideal tree to take up into the attic to decorate with Grandma Higdem's old ornaments...the ones that did not make it to the tree downstairs. How very Dooney & Burke eh?

I dream of kneeling at the church altar, on Christmas Eve, with my grandparents, and am reduced to sobs later on as I "know" this will be the last time for Grandpa Higdem to be with us. Not knowing, but sensing he would be gone. And was not too much longer on from there.

I dream of my family creating the handmade Christmas gifts in our basement at the house in Shamrock Acres in Bismarck, North Dakota. We always had a progressive dinner where we moved from home to home and had various stages of dinner at each. The laughter, the jokes, the smiles, the magic of it all, and finally, upon completion of the dessert portion of the evening, we all gathered around the tree and shared our homemade gifts with each other. Wooden trinkets, crotchet pieces of wonder, jams, jellies, carvings.

My family is a very creative sort. I love that. I have always joked that while the males of my family sat together and talked about cars, fishing, hunting, and farming, I was more at home with the ladies, talking about crafts and cooking. So you can imagine when I received a hunter's knife for Christmas from one of my uncles...I just kept thinking..."You do not know me"...

I remember being in Florida for one Christmas and remember being absolutely miserable...yet somehow Christmas came, even to me sitting on the deck chair next to the pool. I fondly remember the camaraderie of the friends I met there, and have maintained. We were all stuck there, yet made the absolute best of the situation. Bringing Christmas and New Year's to the loneliest holiday I can remember. Spending New Year's in Disney World, ringing it all in at Pleasure Island and riding the rides and feeling joy in that part of the world. I would not trade that experience.

The holidays, for me, are about family, friends, laughter, prayers, wishes, hopes, dreams, and love. As I look forward to the brand new year, it is with anticipation and trepidation. I feel so blessed to be here and now. I feel each loss of family members and friends, who have gone on to prepare our way. I know they are watching...

I know that 2011 holds huge adventures for me...a trip to Paris, a trip to California, trips to visit family, directing opportunities, the joys of classroom work, and building stronger working relationships, building stronger family relationships and a stronger relationships with Justin. Along with these two important avenues in my life, I also know that my friends will continue to be important as well.

I trust that God will continue to watch over us. I trust that He will guide us in the paths that we are meant to go on. I fearfully continue to watch the television about all the events going on in the world. I pray for peace. I pray that I am making the right decisions. I pray that God's hands are guiding me in the right direction... as I do for each of you.

Life's Blessings to each of you as we head strongly into 2011...

B

New Year's resolutions...

I was chatting with a student's parent today and was reminded of the fact that, so many times, I make New Year's resolutions that I do not always keep. Perhaps it is that they are unrealistic? Perhaps they are unachievable and I get bored? Perhaps it is a fact that I pick things like "Healthier Me" and join a gym, get caught up in some sort of schedule, and then let it go?

I have always admired Mary Anne Radmacher's work. I enjoy reading and experiencing her poetry and have always loved the one I posted above. It comes in so many forms, ranging from 8X11 framed works to refrigerator magnets. What she writes speaks to me on so many levels, very deeply, yet they all seem like something that can be achievable. Each one of these is totally attainable and if only we could all live with such abandon and stride confidently to the edge of the abyss and trust in whatever power you believe in and leap, knowing that a net will always follow you, supporting you every step of the way.

May the New Year bring you great things. Play with hopeless abandon and live as if this is all there is.

Next offering on "For REAL??"

When I was younger, I specifically remember my parents and grandparents commenting on kids clothes and the ridiculousness of it all. As I moved into my teenage years, I also remember thinking that it was a matter of "expression". I had every right to wear what I wanted as long as I did not pierce, dye, or tat anything.

Now that I am older... (clears throat)
I am now finding myself more horrified by the choices kids are making today for clothing options. The idea of pants to your knees , showing their butts, drives me crazy. "AND how about I wear a belt NOT to keep the pants on my hips BUT keeping them staying on my knees!!" Ummm OK... AND how about the young ladies today feeling the need to show off the twins? It is too tight, too short, too low cut these days... Enter the Grandparent's voices in my head...

Enter Photo Exhibit #1 above...to quote Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers on SNL Weekend Update... Really? REALLY? I mean COME ON!! Seriously??? For REAL??

What in the hell would you be thinking to have this on your head, walking down the street, thinking "I am so cool. I look so good". It looks like I killed some sort of Seasame Street character and deciding against the floor rug opting for a lovely hat.

The expression on Grover's face on the back ground says it all...

The Joy of Christmas cards...

I love Christmas cards...both giving and receiving...

No matter how hectic the schedule gets, no matter how late they get into the mail, I enjoy putting together the annual correspondence from my home. My buddies always raz me that they wonder when the annual Higdem Form Letter is going to go out. Yeah Yeah Yeah...

I enjoy reading about everyone's adventures from the previous year. Seeing the growth of nieces and nephews, cousins, and children. I am always amazed at how many wonderful experiences my friends from high school have undertaken, how creative friends and family can be with their holiday mailings, and how poetic some of my friends can be.

Every once in awhile, I get a card that strikes me to a deeper core...whether it is a saying or a photo. This year, I received a wonderful card from a friend who lives in Omaha, who has always been a strong nurturing soul, with an amazing spirit. The minute you meet Scott Focht, you can just feel the kindest aura surround him. His laughter and wit are infectious. His card this year spoke of light and I wanted to share it with all of you:

"Indeed there are Masters among you.

Scattered amongst the continents to shine

their lights as brightly as possible, simply

by being themselves, living mostly

'ordinary' lives.

Until, with enough of us walking the earth,

at the deepest psychological levels, a

tipping point will be reached so that all

others will be raised ever higher into the

light, simply for being in their midst as if

though osmosis."

~The Universe

Scott goes on to say this:

"Earlier this year, a friend sent me this quote, inviting me to contemplate how I show up in the world.

With all that is going on today...

Am I choosing love over fear?

Am I grateful for my life's blessings?

Am I creating a world that works for all?

Am I letting my light shine?

Whether it is the holiday season, the approaching winter, and/or an upcoming birthday, I find myself ever mindful of my life's journey, the choices I make, and the profound gratitude for sharing some part of the road with you."

Thank you Scott for sharing this year such a thoughtful moment for me. I appreciate you sooooo much, am so grateful for our friendship, and feel so blessed to have shared this life's journey with you if even for moments.

This life and future of our world is in scary terms. War looms. Evil Lurks. But will I choose to be the light or succumb to the darkness?

I always try to approach life with a lightness of being, but find that it is so easy to get bogged down with all the darkness of the road's journey and all it requires. Can I be mindful this upcoming year not to get so bogged down and grow in the light? I hope so...

Perhaps this is my true resolution...

How do you "show up in the world"?

The Irony of "Excellence"

Ok so looking back over the last few months...some of the craziness all stems from having to take this ridiculous test through the ETS Praxis series. One of the many things I have learned up until now is that life is a bunch of hoops. In order to accomplish certain life goals, you have to be willing to jump though them to get where you want to go.

So in order to be able to receive my teacher's certification, I have had to pass numerous test along the way. Praxis 1 is the initial testing where you have to pass a three subject area computer based test. The three areas of study were Mathematics, Writing, and Reading Comprehension. I was so concerned with the Mathematics portion of it. I have never been that great when it came to math and the concept of numbers. The one class I struggled so much with in college was College Algebra and when I got a "C" in the class, I told myself... "AND DONE!!!"

But I made it past this first Praxis hurdle and actually scored higher in the Math portion than I thought I would...

Then on to the Praxis 2 test which is specialized in your field of study. So I took the Theatre test first and then moved on to the Speech Communication test. Each were difficult in their own right. but not unachievable.

Now part of the stress and sleepless nights of this passed semester has been studying and trying to pass the latest round of testing, the PLT, or the Principles of Learning and Teachings, a Praxis test centered around the theories of education. I struggled trying to study this boring information. The voices of theorists stating their dry, brittle, crap in my ears...things I hardly ever use as to how I run my classroom...all the while thinking, "When in the heck would I ever use this in my classroom, knowing full well that this test is not a direct link to how I run a classroom or symbolic of my teaching style."

I basically did something I never encourage my students to do. I memorized and tried to regurgitate all the information, spouting the theories of those theorists and how they related to students in the classrooms all the while telling myself, I just need to pass by one point...one point...one point.

The test was so difficult! It was like running full-force into a brick wall, getting back up, and begging for more. It was 24 multiple choice test questions and 4 case studies, each containing three questions to write essays on. 12 pages of writing and only 2 hours on which to write this test. I finished with 5 minutes to spare, having spare moments to go back over and see just how much I sucked. I tried so hard to include specific theorists and their theories and how they could be incorporated into each of the case study information provided.

Little did I know that I would fail the first round by ONE POINT!!! I was so frustrated. I was disappointed in myself. As I spent some time in reflection as to why I could have failed by ONE POINT, I thought, "Okay, here's the dealio. Maybe I just need to dumb it down, not provide the specific knowledge, and speak from my own voice, and how I would handle the situation." SO I spent the $135 to retake the test and subjected myself back to the brick wall flingage. second time around, I had ten minutes to spare and as I read back through my essays, they were all in my own voice and not very educational sounding at all, in some instances.

Here is the irony: I needed a 164 to pass and instead passed with a 189, achieving a ranking of excellence in the ETS company. Yesterday, I received a certificate of excellence with this score in the mail...stating that I ranked in the top 15% of the ETS testing company nationwide.

I chuckle at the whole irony of it all...Hurdle tackled...Now on the the last round...

For REAL?????

As many of you may know, I like to take crazy pictures.

There is nothing more hysterical than to come across a ridiculous piece of advertising or weird findings of things inventors/buyers thought were a "good idea" for consumers to buy for Christmas. It has gotten to the point where I search these things out...

Is there something out there that is absolutely SO RIDICULOUS that just has to be mocked?

Something SO OBSURD that they expect us to buy...

And I ALWAYS find something...

The finding for this entry is thus:

The handheld, battery operated bug zapper has nothing to compare to this new find...

It is called "Lightning Reaction" and is a hand held SHOCK game...it comes with four hand held controls and you try to shock each other...somehow this does not seem like a very smart "game" is you can call it that...

Just RIDICULOUS!!!

WHY would something like this seem cool and smart to America's consumer???

The better to chase cats and snakes with...for sure!

HOW IS IT???

1. That I have not blogged since October? I apologize and will try to rectify that soon!! I should make it a New Year's resolution or something...sheesh.
2. That this semester has flown by so quickly? The schedule has been absolutely treacherous...see #1. This schedule actually got to me recently...I woke up with my alarm at 5:30am, got out of bed to go across the room to turn it off and I think fainted and bumped my head either on the door or the carpet flooring. Quite the noggin bump...I looked like I had been in a bit of a fight. I have never been in a fight before (insert all the phrasery here)... All the kids in my classes were so concerned...with phrases like "Oh my goodness, what happened?" to "Mr. Higdem, you tell me who it was and I will kick their butts!" LOL!!! Made me feel good to know that they have my back...had to disappoint them with a lame-oh story of fainting to turn off the alarm. Thank God Justin and Dad were there to help me up and to take care of me. Truly not as bad as it seems...just disconcerting. I have never had something like this happen. And yet, on the flip side it is something that lingers in the back of my mind. Why did it happen? Did I get up to quickly? Did I eat something wrong the night before? Not take that first full breath before getting up? Oh well...the abrasion is gone and headache is gone. One will never know I guess...
3. How is it that I have not had egg nog yet? This yummy holiday drink is an aquired taste. I do not have it a great deal, but do love it so. It gets a little too thick and so I dilute it with milk. Maybe a little something else to spice it up a bit? What is your favorite holiday drink?
4. How is it that I cannot listen to "Silent Night" and not shed a tear. I can sit in our church here in Little Rock and can hear the first chords of this beloved carol and can be immediately placed in that pew with all the relatives who have gone on before us...Grandpa & Grandma Pete, Grandpa and Grandma Higdem...and I just weep like a baby. Especially Christmas Eve Candlelight service...in the warmth of that candlelight with the lights of the Chrismon trees and the poinsettas and the bells...and it warms my heart.
5. How is it that I have never watched "White Christmas"? It's on right now on AMC and I love it. WOW!!! There are so many other movies that I have yet to see... I think that that is what I am going to do when I finally get a much needed break. I want to become one with the remote and take in some classics..."Meet Me in St Louis", "Miracle on 34th Street". What are some of your favorites?

Sending you lots of love and light this week!!

One year....and counting

I cannot believe I have been blogging for a year. And not diligently either sadly.
Life has thrown so many curves my way. Summer seems like a lifetime away.

My schedule has kicked in and my sleep schedule suffers for it. However, I do NOT stray from what I have said in the past, "I would not trade this new adventure for anything. I only wonder why it has taken me this long to get here to this point in my life."

My day begins around 5:30 waking up and stumbling to the shower. I am in school parking lot around 6:30 and turning on that computer to check emails. This is the only time I feel I can get anything accomplished before the craziness of the day ensues. I have kids in the classroom and on the stage by 7:30AM rehearsing for upcoming Speech Tournaments. Our first tournament of the season will be Central Speech tournament on Oct. 22nd and 23rd. I am excited to get the kids out there and competing. I can honestly say that my kids this year are moving forward quickly, however, I can feel the feeling of procrastination setting in. So I turn up the pressure in hopes that the kids will meet me there. I have every confidence they will step up to the plate.

I am teaching all Drama classes this year, which is very exciting to me. The challenge is staying afloat. I still am experiencing that "trying to stay just above the surface" I experienced from last year. I thought I was going to be much more prepared than I was last year, and for the most part I was. However, I am now at the point that I am just trying to not sink and will need to rethink for next year this process...Ahhhhhh reflection...

I am directing Midsummer Night's Dream for the fall play. What excites me is watching the kids work their way through the script...questioning, struggling, watching light bulbs go on left and right.... LOVE THAT!!!! What I am most enthused about is watching students grasp Shakespeare and hopefully finding that something like the Bard's words are just as valuable today as it was in his time. Making something "ancient" accessible to today's modern standards is exciting to me...

I am sure that there is more to come on this topic.

So rehearsals end around 5:30/ 6 o'clock and it is home to grade papers, try to spend time with loved ones, and get to bed so that I can get up and do it all over again.

But as I have said before, I would not trade this moment for anything in the world. The team I work with is absolutely supportive. We have such an amazing support for each other. I could not do it without them. This kids are amazing. And so we just hit the ground running and hang on for the ride...

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! CRACKS ME UP!!!

Heard Randy Rainbow on the satelite radio this eve co-hosting with Derek on the Derek and Romaine show. So funny...

PREPARATION H overchurned in California....so funny!!!!

ENJOY!!!!

I will NOT forget...

It's been awhile...
I remember it like it was yesterday and talking about it bring back a dull pain.
Not as sharp as before...
I live with this pain but definitely not the same as others...
My pain does not encapsulate the loss of loved one, the pain of not knowing what their last moments were, the pain of not knowing where they were.
Their pain is what we feel the deepest.
Their pain is mixed with tears and anger and hurt and bewilderment...
At WHY someone felt it justifiable to do such a heinous act and remove so many lives.
To poke a burning ember at a resting soul only to spawn hatred.
My pain seems selfish in respect to theirs.
Mine pales in comparison.
Mine is one of regret, and hurt, and dreams lost, along with the horror of the event. My pain I have moved on from. How can you move on from something like theirs?

9 years.
Is never enough.
Not enough time to forget the falling debris.
To see the desperation in people's faces.
To forget the screams and the running and the cramming.
To forget the fear and the what do I do now??
At this very moment, what do I do now??

Hearing a mother's voice is the sweetest thing ever to a young son's heart...I am thankful I was able to hear mine. For other's I know this was not the case...
I can remember watching the second building tumble to the ground and remember it being like a picture show. Soft and gentle and yet knew deep in my most inner core...this was death and blood and dust and tears and sweat and screaming and hot metal and that this was worse than any horror film one could imagine. I cannot watch horror films to this day.

I remember the woman walking ahead of me through Times Square with the dust and debris still on her nylons. Time Square was a zombie land. White faced slow trudging beings who shocked and gaped and cried and moaned and just drudged through the barren wasteland.
I remember the young man on the subway, in sweats, with a garbage bag between his legs, finally getting through on his phone only to state, "That fireman pushed me into that van, but I know he's dead now."
I know he's dead...

How do you forget a day like that?

You don't forget.

But the pain does oddly dull a bit...

OVER THER EDGE!!!!

Be It Jack Sparrow, Steeler, Foul, or Peacock...All together wreaks stupidity. Just looking at these poor dog's faces showing great humiliation and all for our own antics and so- called humor...

Where is PETA when they need them?

RIDICULOUS!!!!!

I am reminded of the horrible dog acts that perform in Medora...Dressing you dogs up in floor length ornate gowns and making them hop on their hind legs, feigning walking. And then treating them horribly backstage all when they make your paycheck for you.

Shame on these folks!!

A brotherhood...

I have just completed a wonderful trip to Omaha. It is wonderful to come home to be amongst friends, feeling their love and getting warm hugs, enjoying time with my family and sharing an amazing dinner and game-night. I could be depressingly sad thinking about life going on, that their lives have gone on without me. But here is the lowdown: I can feel that for a great deal of friends, there is a sense of happiness and success in life adventures for alot of my friends. They are moving on with great fervor. I LOVE THAT!!!! I love that goals are being set. I love that kids are entering the picture for a number of my friends. I love that friends are moving on to new jobs, new adventures, new avenues of employment.

So many changes...

What was wonderful was also being back among my Max family. The Mr. Max contest falls every first weekend of August. I actually ran for the title of Mr. Max 13 on a whim. I was not seeing anything in the Omaha theatre community that I wanted to audition for. I had a mentor of mine once tell me, "If something scares the piss outta you, you have to at least try it once." So I decided to run...but I never realized how much the role required...nor how much it would give back to me being six years away.

When you win the title "Mr. Max", it is not only a bar promoter role, but also you serve as a role model. You are out and about and are the face of the amazing bar that is THE MAX. You are the "Welcome Wagon". You are the support, not only for each other, but also your Misses. It all seemed like a daunting task. They are the poster boys.

To be home and to hear that folks on Facebook talk smack about my brothers being this, or my brothers being that...or something that they are not, really hurt. To call them "talentless unapproachable little twinks who do not support their community" really got my dander up. Being Mr. Max, or even Miss Max, or Mister Max MI, is a huge time commitment and a high pressure position at times. You have requirements that require you to be "on" all the time, looking out for talent, exuding energy and maintaining an approachability when you are out and about. And to have fun!!

We are also helping with fundraising for so many amazing charities...I think that is the most rewarding thing I found during my tenure as Mr. Max. Using the title to raise money for deserving charities and to be supportive of such an amazing community. I can honestly say that I was able to do things I would never ever be able to do if I were not a Mr Max. Jello wrestling for charity anyone??

To say that we "do not support our community" and are "unapproachable" is obviously written by someone who just does not "get it". They need to step aside until they do.

We just sashed our 19th on Sunday eve. Sean has a daunting task ahead, although he has an amazing brotherhood of support surrounding him. The opportunities and adventures ahead of him abound. And after meeting him and all the others who aspired to this brotherhood, I have great confidence in his abilities to unite, to creatively step forward and be a positive role model. I am very excited to hear about them all.

I miss my Max family so much. I miss the camaraderie, the laughter, the electricity of being in the moment of the show, and hearing the stories of their adventures. I look forward to visiting home again soon! Thank you, my brothers, for making my stay so great and for making me feel welcome! I love you all!!!

Traditionally it is PAPER!

HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY!!

For the first time in my life, I have someone in my life who fully completes me,

someone who knows my hidden secrets but looks beyond to the big picture.

For so many years, I spent my life running and running

and running.

From life.

From rest.

Trying to grab life by the bootstraps and all the while screaming at the stars,
"WHERE ARE YOU, my Prince Charming?

Why can't I find that right true person who brings me joy and bliss?

Where is my one true love?"

Anger.

Hopelessness.

Sadness.

All the while, never realizing that it would take a higher power encouraging a move to a new part of the country, finding a new adventure,

to find you.
I have seen your smile in the dark.

I have felt your wink from across the room.

I have watched you chase my neices and nephews all through the house.

And I can finally dream.

I can finally hope.

I can finally love with all my heart...

and never look back...

Thank you for being you.

Thank you for your love and for giving me your heart.

I love you with all of mine.

Tales from the River's Edge

I can remember sitting in the back of Grandpa and Grandma Higdem's Lincoln Mercury travelling the wooded northern Minnesota roads on our way to Lake Itasca State Park. Grandpa Higdem proudly served on the park's Board of Directors for a time and so we would have to drive down for meetings.I always loved going along, hanging with Grandma, taking in a little hiking, great food, lakes galore...afterall, Minnesota is the Land of 10,000 Lakes!! And I believe it!

However, this particular state park is also the birthplace of our nations longest, largest river. The Mississippi River begins as a trickling brook, water tripping over a few rocks, and it's headwaters are merely a bubbling area that you can cross with your barefeet. Many a time did I cross this area. Many a time did I bring friends to this site to experience it for themselves. It was always an experience hiking the back trails, seeing deer cross your hiking path, and going through the woods carefully on the lookout for the patch of poinson ivy or the occasional rabid badger.

This was the closest Justin and I got to the Mississippi River on our summer excursion...It was not the bubbling crossable headwaters...but it was definitely an adventure and a moment to stop by the roadside for a photo op.

Medora Memories #102

You ever heard the idea that usually your first professional theatre job will always be your most memorable...for some crazy reason...usually entailing some sort of humiliating costume or crazy role that requires you to don a full body suit shaped like an extra large cowboy hat donning EGG ecouraging the people of Bismarck, North Dakota to buckle their seat belts???

YES FOLKS...I PLAYED THIS ROLE TOO...

B.U.B.

(For Buckle Up Bismarck)

And THANK GOD there are no pictures out there!!!

However, I could not escape it even for my first professional gig. So when we found out that we were going to be a singing salad bar, I thought, "Okay". And then the costumes arrived and they included a satiny-silky lettuce headpiece AND a carrot puppet...and I thought, "Alright, I can do this. Save face. Save face...Make them laugh...".

I made it through the summer and calmly forgot about it...thinking...First Job has been achieved and I have made it through the crazy costume mode, have amazing first year memories, and can move on...

And then the picture appears in the brand new Visitor's Center celebrating the Medora Musical and its beginnings and Wah-lah...

There's the LETTUCE HEAD....

GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Maybe Avenue Q will call???

WORLD'S LARGEST

It is amazing to look at lists. We all need them, especially when we get older.

But on my recent trip back home to North Dakota, I reminded Justin that this trip was full of a list of many adventures, and then sarcastically said, "But Honey, all lists will pale in comparison to the sights you are about to see along this stretch of I-94." I could sense his excitement!! ;)

So in researching the world's largest list of "things", here is what I have found:

World's Largest McDonald's is in Orlando, Florida.

World's Largest Fiddle is in Nova Scotia.

World's Largest Beaver Dam is in Wood Buffalo National Park in Alberta, Canada and can be seen from space...

World's Largest Pheasant is in Huron, SD.

World's Largest Pineapple is in Nambour.

World's Largest Clothespin is in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

World's Largest Hairball is in Garden City, Kansas... Ummm OK. GROSS!!

You can find more of the World's Largest Roadside Attractions on Wikipedia.

However, North Dakota has a pretty amazing "World's Largest list" as well...all along the stretch of I-94 on our way to Medora and back to Bismarck. We can honestly say that we saw, in awe, all three on our trip westward. The list includes:

The World's Largest Buffalo in Jamestown, the World's Largest Scrap Tin Sculptures in Gladstone,

AND...Drumroll please...

The World's Largest Holstein Cow is in New Salem, North Dakota, affectinately known as SALEM SUE.

I do have to say that there is nothing quite like being that close to an udder or a tail...and it could be quite considered quite fearful...

The black and white bovine sculpture is tucked away almost as a beacon to the buttes of the Badlands...serving as a Gateway to the Rolling Prairie hills.

And then came the hunger for a Quarter Pounder...which became a personal World's Largest of my very own...

Medora Memories #101

So, as many of you may not know, I just celebrated my 20th year of being out of high school with a reunion back in Bismarck, North Dakota for a wonderful celebration...
I had not been back to Bismarck and the surrounding area for many years...
What follows are a large collection of photos and stories of events that transpired...STAY TUNED...

Medora Memories #101

Yes the picture is real.
Yes that is the signature BIG MOUTH smile...
And YES that is a doll made out of my likeness... please note the scary Exorcist BLUE eyes...

So here is the the story...

I performed in North Dakota's Number 1 Tourist attraction, "The Medora Musical" from 1991 to 1994, for four seasons. It was and still is a huge highlight of all of my years of performing, for so many reasons. From clogging out underneath the Badland starry skies to hiking in the buttes and being out amongst the buffalo and prairie dogs.

Medora is this amazing town nestled in the buttes of the Badlands of North Dakota. This sleepy little town comes alive every summer with the arrival of the Musical cast and crew. This town is not without it's crazy cast of characters. One of the campgrounds in town is run by this odd family, we soon affectionately called the IBTPG- The Inbred Trailer Park Gang...and every vision that comes to your mind is upheld in all its grandeur upon meeting this family.

You come into the park and go to check into your site and are greeted by this couple performing right by the door of the General Store. They are there, day or night, performing on their 18 key synthesizer and accordion/ drum set/ tuba/ tambourine/ karaoke combo. Just a husband and wife, much like the high school teachers of SNL days by alums Will Farrell and Ana Gastier...only SNL is MUCH MUCH MUCH more entertaining...I digress...

The daughter was pretty much a social introvert and yet was crowned North Dakota Miss Hospitality for 1993, 1994, 1995...yes it seems talentless wallflowers who have the personality of a door, with the right amount of Grandma and Grandpa's money, can have a sash and feel like they have the right to do pretty much anything... Can you sense the oddities going on here???

1993...The IBTPG decides they are going to spend lots and lots of money on creating life-like porcelain dolls of the Burning Hill Singers, the cast of the Musical, in their clogging costumes for that year. They painstakingly searched for the exact fabric AND created and baked each porcelain head and hand set with loving care. CREEPY, to say the least.

Rumor had had it that they were going to raffle off each of the dolls as a couple, depending on which ones clogged together during the dance. I had heard tell that they had decided to raffle off mine and Mary's dolls first. It seems the production company found out and issued a cease and desist order to this family, as the Burning Hills Singers, Co-hosts, and anything dealing with the likenesses of the Medora Musical were property of the production company and could not be used for monetary gain... IBTPG stopped, finished the dolls, and decided to place them under glass in their General store, a place that sells postcards, Vienna sausages and twine. ODD COMBO?? Uh YEAH!!!

So I have said for years, in telling this story, that Mary and I are under glass somewhere on a television set in Montana somewhere...the effects of the production company not getting there soon enough...

Jump ahead 17 years...I am finally able to get back for a much needed visit...and after being gone for 11 years...Medora had changed. My dear friend, Emily, whom I have known since 1993 is back this year as a Co-Host. We decided to go in search of the infamous dolls...To our surprise, there they were...and Emily then mentions...Huh, one of those dolls has a blonde moustache...I look up...and THERE I AM! Holy CRAP!!! That is just plain freaky...

Thought you would like to know...

A really cool text message...

SO I am trying to get into the 21st century...I blog. I text. I Facebook. I do not tweet. It is important not only for me, but also for my students to know that I am staying ahead of the times for them.

But I have had a moment this morning, while texting my dear friend Jason that I received this text from him. " God works in mysterious ways. And you are finally happy."

How profound...

What makes me happy?

Last night Justin and I were hanging on the couch, watching "Lemminy Snickets" with Blaine Garrett and all I could think was...this is contentment.

Yesterday was Father's Day. Dinner with some of my family...this is happiness.

Hearing your niece's voice on the phone...knowing that you get to see her soon...that puts a spring in my step. Sydney is putting huge phrases together and I cannot wait to see her and Gage, Chloe, and Grace in one week! There will be so many changes as we have had time away from each other.

I am on vacation in one week with Justin. We are heading northward...to see friends and family from many years. To Kansas City to spend time with Jason. To Omaha to see lots of friends and family and to get a tattoo!!! Then on to Fargo to spend lake time with Mom and Steve and family. Drive cross state to Medora to see the musical and hang with my dear friend Emily, who is co-hosting in the show this year!!! It seems like forever since I have been back there...maybe 11 years? I cannot wait to share this experience with Justin...take him on a hike in the Badlands.
And then on to Bismarck for my 20 year high school reunion! Where did that time go? It has flown by and so many life experiences. I am looking forward to seeing old friends and finding out what has been going on in their lives.

So yes...
I am happy.
I am very content.
And I am so blessed!

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!!!

To a man who is a hero.

To a man who's strength is neverending.

To a man who works hard and loves hard.

To a man who's heart is so deep and forgiving and open.

To a man who I am lucky to call my father.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

And here I sit...

Ok so...
I am addicted to bad television. I am sure that most of the American public would agree with this statement.

I find myself watching The Real Housewives of New York, New Jersey, AND Betheny Getting Married? Not because it is thought provoking. Who in their right mind would think that women bitching, complaining, thinking they can have whatever they want or sing whatever they want, be successful or putting their claws into each other for viewers is thought provoking? It reminds me very much of the the Claire Luce play, The Women. And yet, here I sit captivated. Sadly so...cause I get frustrated with the fact that I feel like I am watching pure crap but love it. I was hooked from day one. JOHN WICHMAN!!!! ;) It is like sitting in the Colosseum in Rome watching the feminine gladiators hash it out amongst thousands of viewers with their weapons of lipstick and stilettos.

Then there is What Not To Wear and Say YES to the Dress...It is that dirty downtrodden Cinderella coming out from underneath her soot laden fingernails and becoming a Princess. Who doesn't ever wish that someone would whisk you away to a new wardrobe or find just the right dress or jacket or outfit that picks you up and dusts you off... And here I sit dreamily...

Or watching Color Confidential, Color Splash (with my boyfriend David Bromstad), and Divine Design on HGTV...PURE HEAVEN!!! I can watch old episodes and watch each transformation happening and get lost in the dreams of that one day when I have a house of my very own to transform and add my own personal flair to...a little pop of color does not hurt, people!! Just sayin!!

So...There is the summer of watching, dreaming, and captivated.

Ever had one of those friends?

Ever had those friends that you have known for so long that they can complete your sentences?

Ever had those friends that you have known for so long that they know eactly what to say and when to say it?

Ever had those friends who know which buttons to push but you secretly love them for forcing you to look at something with a new outlook?

Ever had those friends who you have known since first grade and no matter where you are in this world, no matter how long you are apart, that when you speak on the phone or finally see each other after a long time apart, you pick up right where you left off?

I have been blessed to have a number of friends that hold such a special place in my life and in my heart.

And one of those dearest friends turns 38 today...

Shari: I absolutely love and adore you. I am so grateful that God has brought us together to share this worldly path together. No matter where we go or whatever we do, I know that I can always trust that you will have that special way to make me smile and lighten my heart when I get too serious.

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays fill with the pinkest flamingoes!!

Losing touch...

On my way home from helping Justin move yesterday, I got the chance to touch base with my dear friend, Dawn. It had been awhile since we had last talked. It was like we had never been away and picked up right from where we left off in our conversation.

This morning on the Today show, they had a segment concerning friend interventions and how once friends get married or have kids, the friendships they have worked years to cultivate and hone, eventually goes by the wayside. This saddens me.

Many of you know that I am a pretty emotional kind of guy. I have always said that I am more in touch with my feminine side. But, upon further investigation and thinking about these current events, it is totally true. I have a number of friends in my life that have spent our milestone events together and have lost contact.

High School:
You graduate. You pull that tassel across that mortarboard. You write in each other's yearbooks: Never Change, Stay your own Sweet Self, Best Friend's forever. Never lose touch.

College:
You graduate. You promise to stay in touch. You begin your running down life's path in search of your set goals. You promise that friends will be with you forever.

Yet when you jump ahead and look at the life road's each of us walks down, you begin to realize that making promises like that cannot be realistic. You cannot be realistic about staying touch and being your own sweet self. Or can you?

I think you have to be willing to work at it. You have to be willing to put in the time, no matter what the process it takes. Whether it is setting a time to touch base. Whether it is chatting through instant messages. Or reconnecting on Facebook. You do whatever it takes to stay in touch with those people in your life, who have seen you at your best, who have been there when life get's the best of you, when you achieve those life goals, or when life throws you a blow. They have been there through thick and thin.

I celebrate a milestone this week. I am turning 38 years young. I had been dreading the fact that in two years I will be 40. I used to dread this looming milestone. Yet, I dreaded something more...I dreaded the high school reunion. I did not go to my 10year reunion. I just was not in a personal good place...where I wanted to be in my life, those life goal's achieved. Plus, I did not feel like 10 years was enough time for us to "grow" into our skins and be comfortable with who we are.

I know face my 20 year reunion in a different mind set. I am in a different place. I am so much more comfortable in my skin. I feel good with who I am and what I have accomplished. I look forward to reconnecting with old friends and being back in Bismarck, North Dakota...a place I hope has stayed it's own sweet self!!

GRADUATION: May 21, 2010

I now get it...
You push. You pull. You complain. You lecture. You butt heads. You write the long forms. You support. You nurture. You love.

I tried so hard to get one of my students to get up and actually speak in front of the class. She did not want to write her daily journals. A few sentences at a time. Mostly, "I don't knows". She was extremely soft-spoken and shy. So polite and quiet hearted. And then she turned in her written monologue and it was absolutely wonderful!!! I was amazed. It was like pulling teeth to get her, as well as her fellow cohort, to be creative and think in vivid details for the daily journals I require. And then she turns in a wonderful story.

Skip Ahead...

I receive a call from a guidance counselor stating that one of my students, who happened to be enrolled in both my Drama and Stagecraft classes needed to drop the Stagecraft class to complete his English requirement in order to graduate. He was so angry and mad and refused to transfer out. He did not want to take English. I pulled him into my office and sat him down and said, "I want you to be in my Drama class. I really want you to be in my Stagecraft class. But most of all, I WANT to see you walk across that stage and take that diploma! I WANT to see you graduate! And I will not get the chance unless you make the right decisions, which means you have to take this English course. You have to! Do not deny me the joy of seeing you walk across that stage!!"

Jump Ahead...

I had a young man who was in and out of my class. Consistently late. In and out of SAC. He and I butted heads pretty hard last fall. But through this monologue unit I have been teaching, I finally saw a glimmer of light in his creative soul. Something he could latch on to. As students got up to perform their monologues, I would ask, "What have you been working on?" and then ask, "Anyone have feedback?" He was the first one usually to speak up. And he was consistently right on track with that feedback. Hearing my words come out of his mouth. Knowing that while he was in group work, he was focused for the first time in our time together in class.

JUMP WAY AHEAD...Graduation day

As I tried to tell my mom about these stories, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. For the first time in my life, I get it! For so many years, I had only taught in quick three week sessions. Quick lapses in time. But to see kids day in and day out and fight for them.

North Little Rock's Graduation Ceremony is very special. As faculty, you put your robes on and walk through the graduates in the backstage areas of Verizon Arena. Hugs and smiles. Shaking hands. Lining up. Walking out to "Fanfare for the Common Man". Lining up in two rows and creating an aisle from which all of the graduates walk through to "Pomp and Circumstance" to their seats.

And I got to watch the young man nervously walk across that stage and get that diploma. I saw the smile on the young lady's face as she walked by to go up on stage to shake hands and get that piece of paper she had worked so hard for. And... I sat right across from the young man who had riled me so last fall. As he came back to his seat, I caught his eye.

"Is it in there?" I asked him.
"Yes, Mr. H, it is." he said with an absolute glimmer of excitement in his eyes and a smile on his face.
I gave him a thumbs up and said, " I am so proud of you!"

I sobbed into the phone as I relayed these stories to my mom. I am so blessed to have had these moments with these kids. I just hope that they take what I have given them and never forget that they have the power to be whatever they choose to be, if they put their minds to it. Just breathe and LEAP.

FEEDBACK

OK Friends!!

I would like feedback from you...

The top picture is of my current arm tattoo. I would like to make it a half sleeve.
Complete and as solid as possible. The more colorful the better.

I really like the bottom photo which was a cover of a book I found while spending a weekend with Justin.

I do not want to lose the integrity of what I already have but I do want to connect and fill up the rest of the area.

Was thinking of having an arm band created from the book cover picture to create a stopping point on my arm. But what do I do to connect...do I have the artist connect the scrolls with more wings tied throughout...or do I have the wing arm band placed and then have him continue the scroll work throughout...

Any other ideas???

I am having this done with my tattoo artist, Seth at Villains in Omaha, the end of June when Justin and I drive through on our way to Fargo to spend some much needed R-n-R with Mom and Steve. I am up in the air...

A wave of Relief...Two Years in the Making

So, as many of you may or may not know, I have been having vocal problems/ issues for the last two years. A new way of thinking, a surgery to remove an enlarged polyp, lasers, morning rituals of Claritin, Omneprezole, and multi-vitamin, watching what I eat, drink, being "vocally focused", speech therapy, and hardest of all...no singing or acting in performance and public...

I had come down to Arkansas in April 2008 to sing with Dad in church and take a much needed vacation from the hustle and bustle of retail. All went well, but when I woke up then next morning, I realized that my voice sounded even more hoarse than the day before. I went in to a Ear, Nose, and Throat doc down here who sent a scope up through my nasal cavity to take pictures of my vocal chords. You know something is wrong when the doc gets ready to spray stuff in your nasal cavity and hands you three Kleenex and says, "You are going to need this." He then sprays and the tears come immediately as the numbing spray goes up your head and trickles down your throat numbing all the way.

After the scope and pictures, I remember going to my car in the parking lot. It was raining heavily and matched the tears rolling down my cheeks. I called my Dad and he told me to come to his office with the photos. When I got there, Pam was there as well and they both were looking at the photos. I remember Pam looking concerned to Dad and saying, "Honey, should we tell him?" to which he responded, "Yes, I think we should." They both look at me and Pam says, "Darling, you have a vagina in your throat."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" I think.
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY me!!!!"
I am so thankful that at that one moment...something that could be so dark for a singer/ actor as myself...could be lightened so much by such a wonderful comment. It made me get out of my head and refocus in a way that only Pam could do for me.

Jump ahead to July 2008 and surgery. I am afraid of needles. I am afraid of becoming Julie Andrews. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being asleep. Fear of my parents being in the same room together. LOL! Surgery went very well. They did however remove a polyp, once the size of your pinky fingernail, now the size of your thumb to the knuckle. I remember relief after waking up. I remember crying after waking. I remember relief at waking up to not hurting as much as I thought I would.

Jump ahead to September 2008. After three weeks of heavy sneezing, I was back in the doctor's office for a checkup and a scope. We found another small polyp starting. And all the bottom fell out again.

Speech therapy. Moving out of the apartment I was living in. Put all my things in storage. Realize the value of needing friends to see you through. The power of friends and family to see you through the hard times and support you and care for you.

Jump ahead to May 11, 2010. Went in for another scope. The Three Kleenex route. The immediate tears. The numbing spray. The uncomfortable scope chord going up through the nasal cavity and down the back of your throat to hear the words, "Excellent!" I have a clean bill of health. The doctor has said that my Vocal Vagina is clean and clear of polyps! He even mentioned that the scar tissue is near normal and almost invisible.

I am so grateful! I am going to sing again. I am going to be able to perform again and feel life's blessings all over again.

The light bulb goes on...

The last four weeks of school have been absolutely frustrating, crazy busy, and I can thankfully feel everything beginning to wind down. The seniors have been fairly unproductive and unfocused since right after Prom. I had forgotten this. My friend Shari commented the other day during an instant message chat, "Do you not remember our senior year??" To be honest, I have slept since then.

I specifically remember the stress of wanting to please everyone...teachers, parents, pastors, grandparents, everyone. Feeling such pressure to be successful.

My Drama 1 students have been working on how to write a strong monologue since the beginning of the year. They began with a selection of a photo that "spoke" to them. They filled out a lengthy profile of many different questions. They also filled out numerous free-write journals and were divided into groups to talk through routes their monologues could take. Group feedback was essential. I encouraged them to write in vivid details.

I cannot tell you how frustrated, how repetitive I felt by repeating things over and over and trying to get my students to focus, especially in group activities. There was so much creativity in those nimble hands...all on the cusp of good things. However, it was like pulling teeth to get them to talk in their groups. How do you sign up for a drama class and not think that you are going to be creative and perform at some point?? Are you immune to speaking in front of people?? Ummm no...

So we took a break and went through a thing I call "Group Educate"- an activity that allows students to cover large amounts of textbook information, condense it, and bring it to their cohort for learning. This nine week's Group Educate unit dealt with emotions, motivation, blocking, types of stages, gesture, stage business, power and who as it, all the things they will need to present their monologues for their finals.

Jump ahead to the last few days...

They have been divided into new groups and have been given class time to work through their monologues. They are given feedback, both from myself and their peers, after their performance. Here is where the light bulb came on...

Today...the last day for some seniors...we presented more monologues for group feedback. The exciting moment is this: One of my students gets up, presents their monologue, and I turn to the class and say, "Feedback?" What happened next was so exciting to me...all of my words came out of their mouths and I did not have to say a thing. They were all supportive, said the right things to the young man, he took their feedback, the class remembered his past performance and made comment about certain cuts he had made since then and how disappointed they were that he had cut certain things out. He was open to the things they were telling him.

BLESSINGS ABOUND!
BLESSINGS.
ABOUND!!!!!!!

The turning of the tides...

April 3, 2009: Same-Sex Marriage shockingly became legal in the state of Iowa, before the more progressive state of California.

March 10, 2010: Constance McMillen, a senior at a high school in Mississippi, was denied access into her Senior Prom, because she and her girlfriend wanted to go together. She has become the face of a movement across the country, being invited to proms and fundraising events.

Our President and leaders of both Congress and the Pentagon continue to negotiate their ways through the turbulent waters of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

The NOH8 Campaign was organized by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska and his partner Jeff Parshley in a direct response to the passage of California's Prop 8. Subjects are photographed with duct tape over their mouths and the symbol "NoH8" painted on the face, symbolizing the silencing of voices because of ridiculous propaganda and laws against human rights. For more info: http://www.noh8campaign.com/.

I recently attended Grand March at the high school I am working at. I witnessed a few things that were different from when I went to high school and attended prom. There were still the corsages, the balloons, the beautiful dresses, the awkward fitting tuxes. I had heard through the rumor mill that there would be a male student who was going to attend in a dress. I applaud his strength and willingness to go against the grain. He did not walk in Grand March, however, I guess he did attend the actually dance itself in full drag only to remove it again for Post-Prom. Amongst all the couples being introduced were two girls escorting each other. A little while later, there came two young men also escorting each other. The crowd was a bustle already from the excitement of the evening.

However, when the two young men walked under the ROTC escort's swords, the intensity went up a few decibles. Groans. Commotion. Sadly, I had forgotten that I am now living on the belly button portion of the Bible Belt.

I have felt frustration at the fact that I have moved back to the closet doors after being out for so long and feeling so comfortable in my own skin. I live my life to the fullest, happy, full-filled, successful, and proud of who I am and what I do for a living. There is a new pressure I feel to live more "quietly" after being somewhat out loud for the last 15 years. I am struggling with this, trying to also figure out how my boyfriend fits into this whole picture of quietness, when neither of us live in that mode.

I know that our founding fathers gave each and every one of us the right to pursue our hopes and dreams...Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.
That is all I want in my life... happiness, success, a joyful life, liberty and a damn good bridal registry...
Not asking much...

I am struggling...

Ok, so I know that I have not been a good blogger here recently, but I have so many worthy excuses. BUSY being the only viable option I can come up with. Also, I am a first year teacher who has been absolutely swamped to the point of being overwhelmed- my second excuse. But I do have so many avenues from which to take this blog going forward, because life has been anything but BORING. Juicy tidbits ahead...

From Beauty and the Beast, our schedule went right into Prom, Post-Prom, State Speech Tournament, to studying for my Speech Praxis, which was probably the worst test I have taken in a LONG time, to auditions for Graduation Speaker and talent for Senior Breakfast. Can you see the direction this is going?

From time to time, I am faced with the phrase: "But you would not have thought this way when you were a student. You look at this with an entire different focus." The student of today is very different from the students we were in high school in the early 90's. My idea of the students of my generation (God that phrase seems to date me) were focused, driven, cohesive, challenged, fighters for what they believed in and passionate about everything. Or at least maybe I was. Then again maybe not. Maybe I am just lofty and jaded.

Today's students are all of these things and more. They are troubled, challenged on so many levels, fighters in gangs, and bring a whole other table of troubles to the table. They also bring a "What's in it for me?" and a "How much is this gonna be worth?" type of attitude to the table that at times can be extremely daunting and nerve-wracking. Almost like they are in a bargaining mode or a "If this is not worth too many points, I am going to consider not doing it," type of thought process. This thinking process would NEVER EVER have crossed my mind because although I may not have agreed with my instructors, I damn well respected them enough to know that "NO" was not an option. I got my homework turned in and it was on time. I never negotiated. I never questioned.

Seniors these days are allowed to exempt their semester tests if they have put in the correct amount of hours and missed no days. This is good. This is a wonderful option for students to achieve. The down side is that they get a mentality of shutting down about four weeks before finals. BOOOOOO!!!! Senioritis! I cannot tell you how many comments from my seniors sounded like, "Well, if I am exempting your test and not performing my monologue for a grade, why do I have to present the monologue in class?" I respond, "Because you are exempt does not buy you free time in every class leading up to semester tests. If you choose to do nothing with your class time, I cannot give you participation points"
"THAT'S NOT FAIR!!! This class is supposed to be easy", I hear under their breath.
"Darlings, life is NOT easy and this is my class. I control it according to my rules. If you do not like the rules, you can pay the consequences." God, I sound like my parents!! ;)

This brings me to an event known as SENIOR SKIP DAY. Seniors miss days during Junior testing. They miss the entire day of Prom to get ready. And then I find out today that the day of their Senior Breakfast, an event which happens to be before school starts, has become known as Senior Skip Day. So to combat this I decided to set it up so that if they choose to miss my classes, by skipping this day, they would not get class participation points for that day. Here's the clincher that I find out...if they buy a ticket for breakfast, they are exempt for the ENTIRE day. SAY WHAT??? To call it a SKIP day shows a choice being made NOT to attend class...Why should I bless this with exemption and points if you cannot get yourself to class and be functional as such?

I try so hard to be a good teacher. I try so hard to be liked and let students know that they have a home away from home, that our department is fun and safe and nurturing. But this SUCKS on so many levels and I do not want to be "THAT" asshole teacher. I need to come up with some sort of plan for next year. Or maybe it is a idea of giving the seniors a HUGE 250/350 point project that is due the first days back from the SENIOR SKIP DAY weekend that #1) They cannot afford to not do. #2) Would allot for a written portion of their semester test, which is the following week.
-OR-
I give 50 bonus points to those students who were actually in class and attended. Something meaty and substantial.

I just do not want to be an asshole teacher...but I know deep down that kids these days feel that they are in control, they could care less, and that they will be given everything on a silver platter...and we all know that the minute they hit the "hallowed halls" of their upcoming alma mater, they are going to receive a harsh awakening.

Down from Soap Box#1...
I am tired...
Thanks for listening...
Love-
B

A Spring Break Beginning

And so with Spring here and around the corner...I hit the road to spend time in Rogers, AR with Justin.

We have had a wonderful first day together. We woke up late and actually got to sleep in for a change, which has been glorious!! Then we decided to go to Panera for a little coffee and newspaper reading. Little shopping. Getting lost in the antique wooden bookshelves of a wonderful bookstore in downtown Fayetteville. Now we are sitting on a comfy leather couch at a terrific coffee shop called Common Grounds.

VERY LOWKEY!!

Very NICE!!!

I am so at ease and relaxed. It has been a great day and looking to be a wonderful evening with friends. Even though we have snow falling down outside...yes SNOW!!! But it is probably one of those kinds that will melt as the daffodils have already wildly bloomed and started to brightened our doorstep. It will be warm before we know it. It is truly a pretty sight looking out the window and seeing the big flakes fall and knowing that there is not a care in the world...

Just sitting here, sipping this delicious coffee next to the man I adore and knowing that all is right and good in the world!!

An odd random musing...

I went out with my friend Patti last night for drinks. It had been such long time since I had been out and carried on a indepth conversation with a friend. I have missed that. I have found myself in sucha hermit state here lately...

Have you ever found that there is a public perception of who you are and who people expect you to be? I think I shocked a few of my students the other day...

There are times where I find myself in an odd predicament. It usually hits me when I am in a place where I know no one...whether it is at a party or a bar or even in a coffee shop. Preconceived notions would expect that I would be considered an outgoing person and feel right at home, speaking and talking with folks, and getting to know those around me. Actually it is the contrary. I become kind of reclusive and a wall flower of sorts. This later statement shocked my students.

I am more apt to be the one who does not step outside the box and introduce myself if I am in an uncomfortable unkown environment. It is this that I am battling being in a new landscape. I find myself out of sorts at times, trying to find my way in a new city. I am finding that I am less apt to go out and meet people and go out and explore. I may have relied on the idea of safety, of work, of being so busy to get myself to this time and place and not having gone out.

In the past, it has been this uncomfortability that people latch on to and come to harsh decisions that I am stuck-up, snobbish, or rude. It is this comment that hurts. It is the contrary. It truly is that I am just so damn uncomfortable in public situations where I am meeting people left and right and trying so hard to remember names, when I am more of a facial rememberer. I do not feel that I am a smoozer and could never be a used car salesman or go back to work in retail where I am selling something. Maybe I do hold my own in public situations and am over-reacting. Maybe I am just tired and have a low tolerance level at times? Who knows?

i know that it will happen in time. I will get out and meet people in public functions and find myself in more comfortable ground. However, it is tiring to me and I find myself wanting to be more of a hermit at times to protect myself...but I have to force myself to put on that personae that says approachability. Especially with my students.

Keep myself open to the possibilities. Keep myself open to those around me.

PEEPS SEASON IS HERE!!

I have to admit...
I have an addiction...

I do enjoy an occasional soft sugary yummy goodness known as Peeps! Yes it is true.

I know you are shocked.

I think what got me hooked was my grad school mentor, now friend, Tom Bernard. Tom used to get almost giddy knowing that Easter was right around the corner. I remember coming down into the costume shop at NDSU and seeing carton upon carton upon carton of the sugar birds sitting on his cutting table. And he would carry on a conversation with me, while eating not just one bird, but a whole tray...

Yes 5 birds at a time.

Now I will tell you that I am not THAT addicted...but I do enjoy an occasional yummy treat.

They have Peep photo sites...place your Peeps in funny settings. Hysterical!

We have had ritualistic "Welcome Spring" moments that include Peeps on the Grill. Nothing funnier than watching those little birds begin to expand and then sag into between the grates.

Peeps in the microwave...

Boiled Peeps...kinda lack luster in comparison. And now that I read this...kinda morbid and demonic. And a waste of a good treat.

But the ULTIMATE??

Peeps Smores...The sugar gets a little crunchy and almost carmelized...meets graham cracker and Hershey's chocolate...YUMMY...

So perhaps it is the sugar rush...but I am always excited to see the little sugar critters appear on the shelves...knowing that the blades of grass are on their way.

Favorite color of this season??? Tangerine!! Just AWESOME!

A Bucket List

From time to time, I get on Yahoo News to just look at what events are going on in the world...here is one post that got me thinking...

"It was Harriet Richardson Ames' dream to earn her bachelor's degree in education. She finally reached that milestone, nearly three week's after achieving another: her 100th birthday. On Saturday, the day after receiving her diploma at her bedside, the retired school teacher died, pleased that she had accomplished her goal, her daughter said. Ames had been in hospice care. 'She had what I call a 'bucket list', and that was the last thing on it, ' Marjorie Carpenter said Tuesday."

"Ames, who turned 100 on Jan 2nd, had earned a two-year teaching certificate in 1931 at Keene Normal School, now Keene State College. She taught in a one-room schoolhouse in South Newbury, and later spent 20 years as a teaching principal at Memorial School in Pittfield, where she taught first-graders."

What drew me to this piece was that idea of a "Bucket List", something I have been thinking about since the movie came out a year or so ago starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Even though I have never seen the movie, I have thought "What exactly would be on my Bucket List? What kinds of things do I want to see and accomplish before God calls me home?"

I am going to be 40 in about two and half years and I would absolutely love to travel overseas and be in Paris when that milestone rings in. I have never been overseas and feel it would be absolutely perfect to reach such a milestone doing something I have never ever done before. And to be there with some of my closest friends would be wonderful, too...

Let see, what else would be on that list...
2. Travel to London
3. Skydiving
4. Take an Alaskan Cruise and see the whales
5. See the musical Jersey Boys
6. Play the role of Archibald Craven in The Secret Garden
7. Play the role of Harold Hill in The Music Man
8. Play the role of Sweeney Todd in Sweeney Todd
9. Travel to Rome
10. Sing with an orchestra
11. Record a CD for sale
12. Write a book. Maybe publish?
13. Have a child.
14. Build my own home and be able to design it the way I would like it...a dream home, if you will.
15. See the fall colors of New England
16. Rock climb
17. Parasail in the Carribean
18. Be remembered for being a good man.
19. Grow Muscles.

I think these are realistic??? And achievable!! Don't you?

What is on your Bucket List?

A Grateful List

It has been a little while since my last blog entry.
I have been a busy man.
I am only able to put together a Grateful List for the time being but want to put together my thoughts for a few more entries this upcoming weekend.

Here's what I am grateful for:

1. Being able to spend time with my nephew, Blaine.
His birthday was last weekend and I was in Kansas City for it so I was not able to be here to help him celebrate. So, I took him to Olive Garden and we had pasta...well actually odd thing...he wanted the Calamari????? What 7 year old enjoys SQUID??? I ask you...but he did and he really enjoyed it...then we went off in search of the perfect ice cream...to which a little birdy told me that he love love loved COLDSTONE CREAMERY!! YUMMY!!! On the way, I was informed that Cookie Dough Ice Cream is the bomb-diggity. Note taken... Was a really good time had by the both of us. I just hope his Mom can forgive the sugar rush I left him with...

2. My Students
They never cease to amaze me. We are working on a monologue writing unit I have put together for them. Kind of cross-curricular in format. Not only are they assessing photographs, but they are creating background information and using their imaginations to create a character off of that selected photograph.
Well today they had to spend 10 minutes in free-write format, writing about their character's "Arch Enemy". They had 10 minutes to write all of their stream-lined consciousness thoughts, not put their pens down, and do NOT SECOND GUESS. All in their character's voice. It was exciting to see them actually writing for a change AND when asked to read the best line of their work, there was actually some really great nuggets of creativity. I was very very excited. The project looks promising...

3. My friends.
I have been blessed with wonderful friends in my life, that no matter how far we are apart, they love and support me. This passed weekend, a group of my Omaha friends converged on Kansas City to meet someone special who has come into my life. Not only was it a weekend to reconnect with Jason, who was not able to leave KC to come up to Omaha for holidays, but it was important to me that very important people in my life meet Justin and he them. All went very very well and a good time was had by all.
There are so many friends that I wish could have come down as well to meet Justin...but there are more times to make this happen. It was truly a great time for reconnecting and joking and enjoying one another's company.

4. For where I am and what I am doing...
Today a fellow faculty member gave me a really great boost. We have a medal/ award that faculty members present to other faculty members to recognize them for their hard work and dedication. I had asked Terri, who had received it at last meeting, who she was going to give hers to. She gave me someone else's name and then proceeded to stand up and explain to the room descriptors that began to sound like me...I was so shocked. It made me feel so good!!!

I am so blessed and grateful for where I am, what I am doing, and for getting the chance to work with some amazing people. I am surrounded by a wonderful group of teachers, who care, support each other, and are there to help and instruct and nurture their students. I see this every day and am just grateful that I get the chance to be a part of it.

I am exhausted. I am tired. I am heading to bed...

The Power of Contentment

I have mentioned a few times before about how contentment plays a common role in the passed few months. This has not always been the case in my short time here on this earth. I have not always felt content and that has been very disconcerting.

There are times I can recall being so disillusioned with where I was in my life. In high school, somewhere it is written that you have to set goals for yourself. Those life goals get set- at times, to a higher and higher wrung, sometimes unrealistically so. And then we sadly spend the many years that follow trying to achieve those lofty goals or fail miserably.

These goals also sadly define our lives, who we are, what we have to accomplish by those timed benchmarks. "By the age of 25, I was to be here, here and here." "By the age of 30, I want to have a ring on my finger, a strong stable job, and a strong understanding of my life's path"

And when we do not achieve...a sense of sadness, a sense of failure...

And for so many years, I defined myself by who I surrounded myself with. I defined my success by how much could I please my parents. I defined my success by how much could I maintain a hectic schedule and how much this schedule could cover the sadness that was in my heart.
I also allowed my happiness, at times, to be defined by who I was or was not dating. My success was defined by whether or not I had someone special in my life. And I know now that that was all unhealthy.

I tried and tried to find true love. I worked hard to be every one's friend and lost a bit of myself along the way. I thought that I had to have the love of someone else to define how I loved myself, when in reality, it should be the reverse. You have to LOVE YOURSELF before you can ever allow someone else into your heart.

Folks say, "It just happens when you least expect it." And I have shifted my focus to bettering myself. Not being so hard on myself and taking the time to learn more about me. To be comfortable in my own skin. Taking the time to just enjoy being around me. And slowly I could feel the new idea of contentment creeping into my darkest avenues...and I have found that things are changing. That somehow...my focus and vision went from "tunnel vision" to FULL PERIPHERY...a place I am learning to be more and more comfortable in...

And to have someone align themselves into my life's path on a more romantic nature is a wonderful roller coaster that excites me... So yes, It just happened when I least expected it. When I was not even looking for it. Just focusing on creating a better me, shifting my focus to a better job that fit much better into my life's goals I had set long long ago, and WHAM...there was my Prince Charming.

Just thought I would share...

The Grateful List #1

Today I am grateful for:

1. Family. I am so blessed to have an amazing family. They support me, listen to my rantings, and still love me unconditionally

2. Justin...I am grateful to have met someone who is my "calm in the storm". I feel so blessed to have found someone who brings a smile to my face at just the mere thought of him. Someone who holds my hand in the dark and supports me with just words...

3. Friends...My friends are my support link. I am grateful for their love and support. My friends are my family. This especially became so vivid to me on my last visit to Omaha. My friends there know me inward and outward. To be in their presence was exactly what I needed. I have lost touch with friends from way way back here recently and it saddens my heart. I used to be able to chat with them on a monthly basis and this is not the case any longer. Is this a case of "Moving on"? Or life...Probably the later...

4. My students. I found out today in my Drama class that a young lady who is joining the class for 2nd semester just moved to Little Rock from Omaha. How crazy is that? And it truly was great to see their smiling faces today. Many hugs and smiles today...was nice...

5. Grateful for Peeps. I love those sugar coaty marshmellowy goodness...just the thought of smores with sugary coated brown crunchy yummy goodness...ahhhhh BLISS.

Looking back...

2009.
where did you go?
you flew by so fast for some, and not fast enough for others...
I am grateful that you flew by lightning fast for me and was a complete roller coaster of change for Mr. Higdem.

2010.
Hello friend? How goes it? I am so glad you are here.
I look forwards to experiencing you on so many levels...

The idea of resolutions??? MEh.
I am realistic about these types of things...I have set the goals for the year...the idea that i needed to be beefier for some reason...joined the gym...and then let it all go by the wayside within weeks or months...so why put myself through that all...as well as you, my readers.

A few things I will say I am focusing on in 2010:

1. The power of inward reflection. This blog will reflect that, I can assure you.

2. The power of being grateful. I am grateful for so many things that have happened in my life. There are times when I get so bogged down with the negativity of my life...or the community...or in the world...so it will do my heart good to have a "grateful list".

Last but not least...

3. The power of prayer and meditation. I have felt out of touch in the last few years. Like I have been floating away on some level...or just trying to stay afloat. There have been many life changing events that have happened in my life recently...and I feel truthfully...that His hand has been guiding me along this whole time...even in the darkest of times...all have lead to this day...this moment...this present time in my life...and I am grateful...
So I will try to reconnect with the one who has lead me to this day with a few words of gratitude and prayer for those who need His guidance...I figure it will help me refocus...and help me to be thankful and humble and worldly focused instead of being self-centered, which I can be at times.

So there.
So BE IT!
Resolutions for 2010.

BRING IT ON!!!