An odd random musing...

I went out with my friend Patti last night for drinks. It had been such long time since I had been out and carried on a indepth conversation with a friend. I have missed that. I have found myself in sucha hermit state here lately...

Have you ever found that there is a public perception of who you are and who people expect you to be? I think I shocked a few of my students the other day...

There are times where I find myself in an odd predicament. It usually hits me when I am in a place where I know no one...whether it is at a party or a bar or even in a coffee shop. Preconceived notions would expect that I would be considered an outgoing person and feel right at home, speaking and talking with folks, and getting to know those around me. Actually it is the contrary. I become kind of reclusive and a wall flower of sorts. This later statement shocked my students.

I am more apt to be the one who does not step outside the box and introduce myself if I am in an uncomfortable unkown environment. It is this that I am battling being in a new landscape. I find myself out of sorts at times, trying to find my way in a new city. I am finding that I am less apt to go out and meet people and go out and explore. I may have relied on the idea of safety, of work, of being so busy to get myself to this time and place and not having gone out.

In the past, it has been this uncomfortability that people latch on to and come to harsh decisions that I am stuck-up, snobbish, or rude. It is this comment that hurts. It is the contrary. It truly is that I am just so damn uncomfortable in public situations where I am meeting people left and right and trying so hard to remember names, when I am more of a facial rememberer. I do not feel that I am a smoozer and could never be a used car salesman or go back to work in retail where I am selling something. Maybe I do hold my own in public situations and am over-reacting. Maybe I am just tired and have a low tolerance level at times? Who knows?

i know that it will happen in time. I will get out and meet people in public functions and find myself in more comfortable ground. However, it is tiring to me and I find myself wanting to be more of a hermit at times to protect myself...but I have to force myself to put on that personae that says approachability. Especially with my students.

Keep myself open to the possibilities. Keep myself open to those around me.