"Returning Home"

I have found that this idea of "returning home" has been on my mind here lately.
When I was younger, after having experienced the traumatic event of leaving for college and being away from my mom, when I returned home, I always noticed the difference of what home actually was. It was disconcerting at times. When my folks and I would come to northern Minnesota for Christmas with our family, it was always filled with wonderful traditions...usually surrounded by grandparents and aunts and uncles and family and friends. It was something I always looked forward to...the good food, the cookies, Santa, the tree cut down from the forest, the chance to be a child and experience the season with this childlike wonder and energy. It flew by so fast and in a blink of an eye, things are different and these are just a fleeting memory.

Life changed. Parents get divorced. Homes changed. Life evolved. And I left for college. I would come back and things had changed...were different...Now it wasn't a drastic thing like, "Oh honey, I changed your bedroom into a craft room or an office." but would have this strange feeling like things had changed. Things had moved forward and became different and yet had tinges of the familiarity of home remained. Things became less and less like "home". And yet even though the environment changed...there were elements of this environment that represented tradition and home...At Christmas, Mom would bring out the ornaments, the Santas, the nostalgia, the recipes, the laughter over a glass of wine and the recollection of days gone by. It is these elements that I am able to bring out this year that I feel such twinges of sadness and know that this will pass as the years go by...perhaps they won't but that's part of the "new normal" I guess...

When we were home last weekend to visit with friends and family and take part in some of the annual events we have grown to love, I had the opportunity to go back to the church I had grown to love and felt comfortable in. Since our move, we have not found a church we feel comfortable with, in, and a part of. And I can give you numerous reason and excuses, which I will go into at a later date. But what I felt was this overwhelming wave of emotions and warmth in the hugs and smiles and kind wishes and words. There were tears. There were smiles. There were calm silences to regroup and hear the strong word that always rings true to my heart chords. There was comfort and joy.

But in the back of my mind, I kept hearing in the back of my mind and on my heart that this is home. It is good to return home.

I know that home is a comfortable feeling. I know that things will change and grow and evolve and reform...but at its true core, home is tradition and comfort and joy and truly that there is "no place like home for the holidays."

And since my mom's death I have tried to search and figure out what the new definition of home is...

Returning home to Minnesota is different now, more difficult, and harder without her presence. Steve even feels this and has said it. Not meant to be mean or hurtful but it is my presence that makes home difficult and hard and I know deep down that it will get better as the pain decreases more and more. But I am a part of her and represent her. I am her son and have a portion of her I carry with me daily. But she was my home and was my feeling of security and stability and warmth. And I can feel her presence in Minnesota. I can feel her presence with me every day...pushing me forward...cheering me on...nudging me forward...

There is also this wonderful idea of returning home that is filled with warmth and joy. The idea of comfort. The idea of ease and calm and memories from the past. And sharing adventures. And reconnecting with loved ones. And being together. And enjoying the energy and joy of these moments. The smiles. The giggles. The ease of settling back in.

But also we need to recognize that things cannot stay the same. Life does move on. Life does move forward and it is all because we need to LIVE life to its absolute fullest and that is important. We need to pursue our dreams and our life goals and enjoy being home when we are there. Making the best decisions to change our lives and notice when life needs to be changed. Honor the moments, and calm, and traditions returning home brings. We make the most of the moments when we are together, honor the differences of change, and relish in the laughter and joy being home brings.

May this Christmas bring you the feelings that "returning home" brings you. May it be filled with tradition, and warmth, and comfort, and joy and laughter and common shared stories and memories recalled. Filled with sweet memories and recalling stories from the past.

My love to you all sweet travelers. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Wishing you all life's blessings and feelings of home and all that that brings your heart and your soul.