Body issues

HOLY BUCKETS!!!!

This one is one I should have years of therapy on! Now there's an idea...

There are various ideas and topics and situations that they speak about that rang true for me.

I have never been very comfortable in my own skin. 

From a very early age, I was always self-conscious about by body...too skinny, too tall, gawky, not this...not that...

One memory was when I was in Boy Scouts, we were finished with what we were working on badge-wise and it was suggested that we pass the time by playing basketball. 

I am not an athlete, nor was I ever an athletic kind of kid. 

My dad was with the other fathers and it was suggested that we play it shirts vs. skins and I just melted down. I was not comfortable without my shirt on. 

Never have been.

And sure enough, I was on the skins team. 

MELT.

DOWN.

And all Dad did was pretty much got so angry with me and made me feel so small and say I was being ridiculous and made me take my shirt off.

I was mortified.

 I was skin and bones.

 I was so embarrassed in front of my fellow Scouts which just gave them fodder for more ridicule later on.

And that moment has been with me even to this day.

Yes, body issues plague us all and apply to all of us...not just women.

It begs the question:

How desirable could I possibly be and how do I navigate through this even though I am much older, yet still struggle with this.

It truly is a hit or miss kind of thing for me.

I am not an athlete.

I am not a male model.

I am not a BODY builder.

Yet we, as men, are held to those standards and self-impose these things on our hearts and place expectations on others in this society.

I struggle to find where I fit in in regards to this idea of "Man". 

What does it mean to be masculine? Why does  "being a man" immediately go towards strength, non-emotional, and powerful.

And then you throw in the whole coming out process and that just throws even more of a wrench into self-image and esteem.

I think we all need to figure out a way to broaden what the definition of "Manliness" actually is.

And I do agree that media and society dictates what the ideal body image is and what we all should strive for.

But it is not realistic for everyone.

I think we should all strive to redefine this.

For each of us.

Be a presence.

Be a strong shoulder.

Be comfortable with being different.

"Strength comes from honesty and listening."

I am a work in progress.