Ebb and flow

Here lately, I have experienced the feeling of waves and water and in my moments of pause and reflection, I see the ebb and flow of life, my own in particular. There are times when I can see that I was struggling to make the world see what I saw, feeling the sting of the tough hurdles, and putting on a mask to hide who I truly was deep inside. It is hard to remind myself that I also have to give myself the right to relax, the right to breathe and calm myself and live my life to its absolute fullest. I have the right for good things to come to me. I have the right to feel what I feel and it is ok with God.

Many of you know that I can maintain a hectic pace. The schedule kicks in and the blood rushes to my head and I begin the pulse of this and that and struggle with the ins and outs of a busy day, week, month. I know that if I reread my journals from back when I was in my twenties, it would be filled with romantic angst, my struggles to find my Prince Charming, and to find joy while I tried to make a name for myself. These angst-ridden, "woe is me" passages of hit or misses, all the while loading my schedule and beginning my search for personal success and gain. All the while worrying what people thought of me.

I entered my thirties and found that the struggles continued and the masks got deeper and facades were put together to maintain what I wanted people to see in me. I see this in so many around me as well. We all struggle with this to differing degrees. I know that I am not alone in this.

A friend recently sent me an email that basically stated that she disagreed with the title of my blog, "Musings of a Wayward Soul". She disagreed with the use of the word "wayward" stating that I have always known what I want to do with my life and have driven myself to achieve and experience all that I could in my life. This is true. This example is correct. This is the appearance of "having it all together" all the while having an undercurrent of "What the HELL am I doing? Can I make it through this? Can I get this all done on time? Can I do all of this and remain nice and calm and friendly and treat others as I would want to be treated?"

I think we all have a certain amount of this undercurrent in each of us. It is all in how we present ourselves to those around us and try to ignore or address that wrascally inner critic, who can self sabotage ourselves in an instant. I have found that this does continue even into the adult years... we fight this inner critic whole heartedly through the awkward high school and college years, failing miserably, even going as far as to skip school reunions doubting ourselves and where we are in our lives in comparison to others. I do find that as I grow older, I do become wiser and the caring what others think becomes less and less and I focus more on the happiness of my loved ones around me as well as achieving my personal goals.

One of the things I need to work on is just going with the flow. The last two years have been filled with schedules and struggles and classes. Trying to achieve a goal and get that teacher's license. At times, I think that my students were the first to feel the pressure in my voice, to notice the agitation in my personage and aura. Funny how perceptive they are, huh? Numerous times, I had students come into my class room, on those particularly stressful days, immediately sensing that I was in a mood and mention if I was feeling ok and just seemed like I was in a bad mood.

In reflection this summer, I have decided I am going to try my hardest to breathe, to feel the ebb and flow of the a calming experiences I have had during my summer adventures and trust that the schedule will get done. I will try to maintain a calm and try not to get overwhelmed. Stay out of drama and not get involved in the pettiness that sometimes enters the ebb and flow of my life. To take the time to really "LISTEN". When the hum of the ratrace kicks in, reminding myself to take time to just "LISTEN"...to those around me...to my thoughts...to my heart. Find my inner quiet calm. To be able to say, "I cannot control that for you." when others place their expectations and observations on me as a person, where they think I need to be what I need to be doing, etc. "That does not work for me".

The schedule will not let up this year, I already know this. The difference is in how I think I need to deal with it when I feel the agitation. Remind myself to Breathe, maintain a self-awareness, to think of this moment watching the jellyfish float effortless through the calm blue water...Is there truly anything better? The life of a jelly fish? Floating though a calming environment?

Just the random thoughts of a wayward traveler in this world...trying to make his way through the race of life...