One of my dear friends told me that there would be a strong feeling of loss and peace and sadness...and perhaps not a lot of anger at the passing of my mom....and I think what I am most sad about is the abyss that is now left with her departure. She was a HUGE part of my life and filled me with such blessed lessons and tools to move my way through this journey. She nurtured me. She supported me and now that has been ripped away...I say too quickly...
My cousin is one of my dearest confidantes in my life and she told me on a long conversation the other day that my Mom left me her toolbox she used in her own life. She taught me how to use the tools she used and left them for me to use after she went on. I was struck by this profound statement. .
My mom really did give me the tools on which I will be successful in my life going forward. Her hammer of faith and strength. Her pliers of pride in a job well done. Her screwdriver of devotion and drive. Her sandpaper to buffer the hard edges and leave softness.
It was the perfect thing to say and I have been pondering this for quite some time. Those close to us really do leave us the tools for life's roller-coaster. Whether they intend to or not. Some do a better job than others. Some use those tools as a hard knocks sort of mentality. I think we need to strive to make ourselves as well as the folks around us better human beings just by the example they lead. And I have so MANY shining examples from which to follow.
I am in O'Hare airport heading back to Minnesota to begin the process of helping to go through her personal belongings. There are so many things she has already given me in this life that I will be forever grateful for. After a hectic and crazy couple of weeks back in school, hosting our speech tournament at school this weekend, a friend asked if I was ready to begin this process. I said that I have pushed myself so hard to ensure a smooth tournament run that I really wasn't sure. Are we ever fully equipped and prepared for something like this.
She went on to say that I would feel her everywhere and that it would be overwhelming. I will go with the flow and just keep breathing and trying to make her proud. It's all I can do. Live my life going forward with the tools she gave me and for those I will eternally be grateful.
1 comment:
You might not realize this...But I read each and every blog you post! My mom introduced us LONG ago....and you have forever been a friend since then!
I know the loss you speak of, I know the "Confusion" of how to move on. And I know the "impact/footprint/quality" our mom's "instilled" in us!
Grief is tough, grief is a process. But I KNOW you have the strength, the tools, the memories and the passion to keep doing what you are doing, but perhaps in a more "intentional" manner. Your Mom lives on in you! I KNOW it!"
Use your pain, your grief, your loss to drive how you "connect with others" (Students, parents, family, friends or spouse)
I will never understand why God can take away the ones we cherish most, but I believe he uses it, to help us minister to others. And I believe in that one GLORIOUS day when we are ALL reunited again!
Love & Blessing to you Brandon! I admire you in so many ways! Your Bagley family supports you! <3
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