Where I am today...

As I slowly settle into the harsh reality of absence, I know that these stages of grief are different for every one. I hear what folks say about it and am so grateful for every friend and family member who has reached out to say hello, to offer their condolences,  to listen to my processing, and to offer love and support in every form it has come in. Our family could not have made it this far without all of the love and support.l we have felt from each of you. We are so grateful and love each of you so much.

One of the biggest things I find that I am working my way through, on my end of the grief train, is that I am not experiencing anger at this point and time. It is a little jarring as I expected this part but  I think my Mom set the tone throughout this entire experience. This helps to buffer it a bit I think.  Her positive outlook, her " go get it " tone she set, the opportunities we had together to share our lives and our final months together...how she interacted with those around her, those moments of " I am going to fight this with every fiber of my being to the very end" will always stay with me.

Am I angry? Not really. She fought the courageous fight. She lived the full life. She led by the strongest example and she wouldn't want us to dwell in anger. There are other things that anger me that just plain strike me as odd... But they things and iasues that are out of my control and so it becomes a non-issue.

Am I sad? ABSOLUTELY. 100 PERCENT SAD. I am so sad that she will not be here to share any more of our life experiences together. I am sad that she is no longer here to be able to give each of us her special hugs. Those phone calls...

I do find myself able to make it through the day and then getting home and just feel utter exhaustion. Right now i am putting on my best smile, my best foot forward, my best I can muster and go from there. I know she would want me to do this...and I need to do this...to push forward... and I find I am better than where I was three weeks ago and I know that it will continue to move forward from here.

All I have to do is get through one week more here in AR then I will head back up north to help Steve go through her belongings. I know that this will also be rough. There will be many tears. There will be lots of memories flooding back. Just seeing the blue dress hanging in the closet...the one she wore at our wedding and the one from the picture at the memorial service brought tears to my eyes...just seeing it hanging there was rough...But family and friends share this with us. I know that this is all part of a awful process and a path I have never had to go down before.

My prayer is that Mom guides me through it all...