I made it...

I made it...
The Christmas holiday is over and I made it through...

Christmas Eve Day and night were particularily rough...I tried very hard to hold it together but it was a discussion about whether I had gotten to the point where I can just talk to my mom when I began to crumble. Truth is I cannot. I am not at that point where I can do this...but am so thankful for all of the hugs from my husband and family that really held me up and made me feel so much better.

Many had suggested that Justin and I try to shake up the traditions and do something extremely different this year...I am going to be honest...I had doubts and kept thinking if maybe we should have done something like this rather than head to Little Rock to be with family, however, on this side of it, I am SOOOOOOO glad we went and spent time with our Little Rock family. I am so grateful for my family...so much love and support, so much strength.

To get a lengthy hug from my nephew was the world.
To see the excitement in my niece's eyes on Christmas Morning...how cool.
To watch the littlest niece walk her way through the kitchen and showcase her many facial expressions...crazy how much a year can make a difference... I had forgotten this...I had missed this...Remind myself that time heals everything...a year from now...I pray I will be stronger, lighter, and better.

To visit with my family and reconnect...priceless.

Many friends reached out to text me their love and support, knowing that it would be rough, knowing that I was in the thick of it and for that I am so grateful and overwhelmed. One beautiful sentiment came from a friend who texted, "Hope you are doing okay. Remember it does get different."

I love that phrase because it is the truth. I know that it will never be the same. I know that Christmases will always and forever be different without her to set the tone. But once I get the spring in my step back, once I can find myself able to take a FULL breath and not wonder if the tears will fall, I can decide what tone I want to set for the holidays and what I can do to make a difference in this world.

Small steps.
Regrouping.
Finding my stride again...