Absence of Christmas spirit...

Sorry I have not posted in quite a while.
I am working my way through this darkness.
Being the holiday season and all...I am filled with so many emotions...dreading the actual holiday, if I am going to be perfectly honest.

Thanksgiving was quiet...and perhaps the quietness is a negative right now.

Christmas is fast approaching and I can honestly say that I am forcing everything right now cause I know that I should, that I need to...

But it just doesn't FEEL like Christmas...no matter how much decor one puts up, or Bath and Body Works three wick candles you light, or packages you get sent out to be there on time for opening on Christmas Day...I just do not feel it this year.

I cannot watch some of the favorite Christmas movies this year because it reminds me of her and our life experiences. Love Actually feels different...the moment she is up in her bedroom and trying to regroup after not receiving a gift for Christmas...Mom and I lived that together...I became that strong shoulder through those moments with the husband we do not speak of...
I cannot watch "The Family Stone" because I am LIVING that movie story line this year...and just cannot.

I am so sorry friends, but the Christmas cards did not get done this year...the goofy pictures just never got taken...my heart is just not in it. It is doubtful that I will get to sending them out...or if they are, I apologize for the lack of a personal touch...no holiday letter...may just have to be a short heartfelt phrase or two...and send it with all our love...and leave it at that...

I need to reshift...
I need to refocus and just get through this holiday, no matter what I have to do to do it...
I am finding that I am having to redefine my life and who I am through all of the most recent experiences. I am finding myself at a point where I need to learn about how I am going to grow from this and what my next steps are as I am absolutely unsure of everything...unsteady, shaken, and unsure.

A friend recently posted an interesting article of important thoughts I really liked. My mother's death has been on the forefront of my mind and seems to be the definition of my day-to-day process so far. I wanted to pass along this article from CNN, dated December 20, 2016, entitled "What people talk about before dying."

Here is the link to read the entire article...
http://www.cnn.com/2016/12/20/health/what-people-talk-about-before-dying-kerry-egan/index.html

What I found so important from this article was her discussion of family and what that means being so close to death. I know only from what I experienced with my mother in that hospital room. She was already so close to leaving us that there was not a sense of conversation to be had...I know she knew I was there and could hear EVERY word I whispered into her ear...and I will always remember her last words to me on the speaker phone. " I love you, son."

I have never experienced death like that before. I have always been able to just attend the funeral. I have never had that raw emotional experience before and as rough as it all was, I would never trade those finals moments together for one iota.

Egan importantly states:
"We don't live our lives in our heads, in theologies or theories. We live our lives through our families: the families we are born into, the families we create, the families we make through the people we choose as friends. 
This is where we create our lives, this is where we find meaning, this is where our purpose becomes clear. 
Family is where we first experience love and where we first give it. It's probably the first place we've been hurt by someone we love, and hopefully the place where we learn that love and overcome even the most painful rejection. 
This crucible of love is where we start to ask those big spiritual questions and ultimately where they end."

 And I need to continually remind myself of this, over and over, because it brings me great comfort... It is this idea of  family, both blood and chosen, who help each other through the struggles. There for the nastiness of life, and there for the joys. It is important that we show up for each other. It is important that we rely on each other and love each other. That is what family is all about. Living our most beautiful lives to the absolute fullest and all of this is lived through the topic of our families.

"If God is love, and we believe that to be true, then we learn about God when we learn about love. The first, and usually the last, classroom of love is the family."

AGREED!!!