Goodbye just seems so hard...

I do have to say that the first week back after going through all of the plans and preparations to celebrate my Mom's life has been rough. It is like a numbness and darkness that follows me. There were days that were far better than others. But I push my way through as I know that that is what she would expect and would want me to do.

I look back on her celebration with great pride. It was beautiful and perfect and she would have loved every minute, have been so proud and extremely grateful. It was signature Bonnie...with lots of photos, Santas, travel memorabilia, her favorite music, and Bible verses. The pastor's words rang so true through all of my tears. She ended each email with "Cheers" and his words strongly focused on her fight and her drive and her passion to be a positive influence on everyone she met. Even through her final fight with cancer, she wanted to be a strong source of inspiration. I will speak more and more as I begin the healing process...this has truthfully been the roughest thing/ pain I have ever had to endure. The schedule helps but does not alleviate the darkness and sadness.

I was not able to get up and speak at her memorial service but wanted to share with each of you the letter I wrote to share with her. It reads:

"Dear Mom,

As I sit here trying to pull my thoughts together and form the words I will say to you here at this very moment, I have nothing but unending gratitude in my heart. You have done nothing but love me from our very first day together. From that moment when my foot swept across your belly and shut your desk drawer for you at work, you knew that this would be a special, one-of-a-kind relationship. And it truly has been. What an adventure we have shared!!

I can honestly say that you are one of my very best friends and confidantes and my heart breaks to know that we are finally at the point where we have to part ways. So many years ago, I kept thinking how sad it was to see friends or family losing their parents and naively kept thinking, this surely won’t be us for quite some time. This surely won’t be a quick occurrence and yet here we are…and it flew by so quickly.

I am grateful to you for so many things…There are so many things I will carry with me always…

Always love with your whole heart. Love life. Love your fellow man. Show unconditional love and treat everyone you meet with respect.

Live life bravely. Mom, you are the shining example of this even to the very end. You fought so bravely, so fully and you did it with such positivity in your heart and on your face. You truly are a shining example to us all on how to fight and be courageous. You are my hero and I will never forget these final weeks.

You have loved me, supported me, believed in me even when I didn’t always believe in myself,  was a strong shoulder to lean on, been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and you lifted me up when I wasn’t feeling quite strong enough. Somehow you found the strength for me. You supported my dreams and you loved my friends and treated them as part of the family. You loved my husband and never once made us feel inferior, unloved, or unwanted. We are so grateful to you and Steve for making us feel so special, so loved, and so cared for.

And you always treated me with the same love and respect. You never once made me feel insignificant or immature or minimal. You lifted me up and taught me how to fly on my own… always just a phone call away to bounce ideas off of and that will have to change now and that’s what makes me so sad.

I will always remember our travels and adventures together.

And it truly has been an amazing journey, supporting each other through life’s hurdles. I will never forget the fact that we could tell each other absolutely anything.  You were always there guiding me through struggles, even though you may not have felt like it. I hope I can be half the father to my own kids that you were to me as my mother. Thank you for setting the bar so high and for being the shining example…

To coin your phrase, “I love you to the moon and back” and I always will. You will always be beautiful. I will always see you smiling at me with that twinkle in those blue eyes. You will always be the way you were at Justin’s and my wedding…vibrant, exuberant, and will never forget those hugs.

I will also remember our time atop those buttes in Medora so long ago…Looking out over the horizon…dreaming of the possibilities, looking ahead and the fact that we did that together, even though being afraid of heights. We did that together and that was our moment to realize our bond and dream of where we would go on from there.

Fly free, sweet Momma. 

I know you are free from pain. 

I know that you, Dougie, Donnie, and Grandpa are there together reconnecting. Give them all hugs from me.

You will always be in my heart. 

Thank you for waiting for me on our final night together.

 I will hold those final moments in my heart forever. 

I love you so much and will miss you terribly.

Your son~

Brandon"