Is it possible to forgive AND forget?

If you have read my recent blog post concerning "My defining moment of Christmas" you may know that I am currently dealing with two relatives' biblical view of my life. The response to my blog post has been immensely supportive and for that I am grateful. I have felt the love, believe me! And I have felt guidance on a higher level throughout this entire experience. And for that I am able to grow and bloom.

In the past, I have made wrong choices. I tried so hard to be the director of my life, the captain of my own ship, and sadly tried to "help" others...all in the name of family and friendship... thinking I was helping but yet was only hurting those relationships. But one of the things I have learned from my past mistakes is that the only life you can direct is your own. You cannot direct someone else's life views, cannot interject your own personal views, try to be the parent, when it was not asked for.

One of the last things I stated in my response to these family members was to say that I forgive them. Many of you have commented about how HUGE this response was and how you could not be as forgiving. I went on to state that I may not be able to forget this, but that I most certainly am able to forgive them of their ignorance. If this occurrence had happened say ten years ago, I can honestly say that I would not have been so forgiving. Time does indeed heal everything. But does the idea of "not forgetting" mean that I have truly forgiven these acts?

I struggle with this very topic and to take the tone of Carrie Bradshaw, from Sex in the City, " Is it possible to Forgive AND Forget?" I decided to look into this idea...

Researchers state that "people who are generally more neurotic, more angry, and hostile in life" tend to be less likely to forgive a person even after a great deal of time has passed. They went on to state that these people were also very likely to avoid contact with their transgressor. They also stated that studies showed that those who did forgive were able to lead a healthier life than those who held grudges. The less forgiving people were more likely to have health issues later on in life.

Jesus clearly stated, time and time again, in His teachings, of the importance of forgiveness. The Prodigal Son or The Sermon on the Mount come to mind. "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." Even in His own death Jesus stated, "Father Forgive them for they know not what they do." Yes, I can follow this immense example.

But can one truly forget? When someone has hurt you so deeply, to the very core of who you are as a human being, can you TRULY forgive and forget? I think the answer is yes. And no. Mayo Clinic studies show that the act of forgiveness is a decision to let go of the hurt or resentment or thoughts of revenge. The act of hurt or resentment may always be a part of you, define who you are, or how you proceed with that relationship, but forgiveness can also loosen the grip on you and help you to look at the more positive aspects of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy, or compassion for those who hurt you. I know this to be the case towards these two particular family members. I cannot hold onto the fact that they live in a small town, have not experienced the world, live in a glass bubble, and are sadly ignorant to the world evolving and changing around them against them.

In discussions with my pastor, who happens to be my own father, I have found great solace. When asked what my reaction to this whole situation was, I immediately stuck my arms out in a STOP motion and said "This." I went on to explain that there were many things that made me sad about the situation. But solace will be found in setting boundaries.

One was the fact that going forward, when knowing that there would be possible family functions ahead in the future, that sadly the next question out of my mouth would have to be, "Who's invited". I am not going to put myself, or Justin, in a situation where either of us would be cornered, or used as a dart board, and treated disrespectfully again.

Second was that I sadly allowed someone from my own family, someone that I hear from once a year, that I see once a year, if that, to have that much control over my emotions and my life and my holiday. And truthfully how important is this relationship to me? When it really gets down to the nitty gritty of it, this relationship is surface only and to sever ties would not be out of the question. I allowed her too much power in my emotions and in my life and will not make that mistake again. What screamed out to me after reading and thinking about her letter was the fact that she did not know me, nor did she ever attempt to find out more about me. Nor did she ask anyone around her about me or my life...she just shot and targeted and attacked.

She has apologized to both my Mom and I in a quick one sentence letter to each of us. It stated simply, " I am sorry that I hurt you." That is the correct reaction.

So can one forgive and forget? And is it true forgiveness if one cannot forget? The research has found that despite the cliche I have grappled with here, forgetting is virtually impossible. Forgetting may not be realistic or even a desirable goal. "Forgiveness does not involve literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers true through painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stirs up contempt."

I like this very much. And given time, I think this is the avenue I can pursue. For now...I let it go. Pray to God to grant me peace in my life. Pray to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

amen...

One of the coolest things about teaching...

One afternoon there seemed to be a turnstile at my classroom door during my prep period...

I love the fact that student who have graduated come back and visit. I had three students in one afternoon come back to spend time touching base with me. It was kind of an odd, yet cool, occurrence... these three students did not come together, did not know each other, and all walked into my classroom within three to five minutes of each other.

The first young man was in my Competitive Speech course and was able to travel with us to Europe last summer. He met his girlfriend in my CS class. She was a foreign exchange student only with us for one semester. He is actually moving back to Sweden this weekend to be with her. I admire his fearlessness and his ability to leap with no limits. He has his work visa, but no job and is perfectly okay to play banjo for his supper! I LOVE THAT!!!! I wish him soooooo much success! To live with fearless abandon!

Five minutes later in walks a young lady I had the opportunity to have in class for two years, beginning with my Drama 1 class. She had to be a student of mine through my first year of teaching! She is such a dear heart and struggled so much with living in Little Rock, being from Chicago. When she walked into my class that day, she had a little one in her arms. This beautiful young woman was holding her newborn girl with the most beautiful head of hair! She had come to introduce me to her brand new daughter, and to be in my classroom one last time, as she was moving back to Chicago. How cool that she wanted to say goodbye before moving. I will miss her dearly. And she made me feel so special, that she wanted to introduce me to someone so special to her...a precious bundle of beauty...such little fingers!!! Super Sweet!

Then a little while longer, another young man walked thru my door. He had been back from the West Coast. He had moved out there for a true love and to begin a new life. He was coming in to say goodbye before he left a couple of days later.

And these are three of many. I love that students come back to say hello, to come and hang out over lunch, to fill me in on all of their adventures. I love hearing from them, to hear of all their successes, and how much their independence excites them.

And I know that there will be many more. And I love that they do come back to say hello and share the adventures of their lives.

I am grateful for this added bonus of teaching.

This very cool video was shot, under the direction of Scott Penberthy, using Lady Gaga's song "Edge of Glory" to showcase one couple's struggle and adventures getting to the altar. It is so beautifully created, editted, and showcases such wonderful talent but highlights some of the things that are on my heart. It is my hope and wish to someday have this type gathering for family and friends to share a life defining event such as this with Justin. It is a beautiful homage to "true love, friendship, and the struggles we all take to leap without hesitation into the arms of love".

I have taught my high schoolers to not live their lives in a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" situation and that the time for enjoying and learning from your life is now. If something does not make you happy, why struggle with it? So many gay people are struggling with those who do not understand, who cannot comprehend being "different", who use the Bible to judge and condemn, when we truly need to follow the teachings of Jesus and love each other, treat each other with the same love and respect that we would expect, and live our lives to the fullest each day.

Penberthy writes, " This video is for everybody who has ever loved and was loved in return. To those that think that it never does or will get better, it does. It does get better- It becomes beautiful."

This video encapsulates this for me. Perhaps my bucket list will change a bit? Perhaps this is a possibility? Perhaps Justin and I can find this type of gathering as a possibility in our futures? I would love that very much.