Is it possible to forgive AND forget?

If you have read my recent blog post concerning "My defining moment of Christmas" you may know that I am currently dealing with two relatives' biblical view of my life. The response to my blog post has been immensely supportive and for that I am grateful. I have felt the love, believe me! And I have felt guidance on a higher level throughout this entire experience. And for that I am able to grow and bloom.

In the past, I have made wrong choices. I tried so hard to be the director of my life, the captain of my own ship, and sadly tried to "help" others...all in the name of family and friendship... thinking I was helping but yet was only hurting those relationships. But one of the things I have learned from my past mistakes is that the only life you can direct is your own. You cannot direct someone else's life views, cannot interject your own personal views, try to be the parent, when it was not asked for.

One of the last things I stated in my response to these family members was to say that I forgive them. Many of you have commented about how HUGE this response was and how you could not be as forgiving. I went on to state that I may not be able to forget this, but that I most certainly am able to forgive them of their ignorance. If this occurrence had happened say ten years ago, I can honestly say that I would not have been so forgiving. Time does indeed heal everything. But does the idea of "not forgetting" mean that I have truly forgiven these acts?

I struggle with this very topic and to take the tone of Carrie Bradshaw, from Sex in the City, " Is it possible to Forgive AND Forget?" I decided to look into this idea...

Researchers state that "people who are generally more neurotic, more angry, and hostile in life" tend to be less likely to forgive a person even after a great deal of time has passed. They went on to state that these people were also very likely to avoid contact with their transgressor. They also stated that studies showed that those who did forgive were able to lead a healthier life than those who held grudges. The less forgiving people were more likely to have health issues later on in life.

Jesus clearly stated, time and time again, in His teachings, of the importance of forgiveness. The Prodigal Son or The Sermon on the Mount come to mind. "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." Even in His own death Jesus stated, "Father Forgive them for they know not what they do." Yes, I can follow this immense example.

But can one truly forget? When someone has hurt you so deeply, to the very core of who you are as a human being, can you TRULY forgive and forget? I think the answer is yes. And no. Mayo Clinic studies show that the act of forgiveness is a decision to let go of the hurt or resentment or thoughts of revenge. The act of hurt or resentment may always be a part of you, define who you are, or how you proceed with that relationship, but forgiveness can also loosen the grip on you and help you to look at the more positive aspects of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy, or compassion for those who hurt you. I know this to be the case towards these two particular family members. I cannot hold onto the fact that they live in a small town, have not experienced the world, live in a glass bubble, and are sadly ignorant to the world evolving and changing around them against them.

In discussions with my pastor, who happens to be my own father, I have found great solace. When asked what my reaction to this whole situation was, I immediately stuck my arms out in a STOP motion and said "This." I went on to explain that there were many things that made me sad about the situation. But solace will be found in setting boundaries.

One was the fact that going forward, when knowing that there would be possible family functions ahead in the future, that sadly the next question out of my mouth would have to be, "Who's invited". I am not going to put myself, or Justin, in a situation where either of us would be cornered, or used as a dart board, and treated disrespectfully again.

Second was that I sadly allowed someone from my own family, someone that I hear from once a year, that I see once a year, if that, to have that much control over my emotions and my life and my holiday. And truthfully how important is this relationship to me? When it really gets down to the nitty gritty of it, this relationship is surface only and to sever ties would not be out of the question. I allowed her too much power in my emotions and in my life and will not make that mistake again. What screamed out to me after reading and thinking about her letter was the fact that she did not know me, nor did she ever attempt to find out more about me. Nor did she ask anyone around her about me or my life...she just shot and targeted and attacked.

She has apologized to both my Mom and I in a quick one sentence letter to each of us. It stated simply, " I am sorry that I hurt you." That is the correct reaction.

So can one forgive and forget? And is it true forgiveness if one cannot forget? The research has found that despite the cliche I have grappled with here, forgetting is virtually impossible. Forgetting may not be realistic or even a desirable goal. "Forgiveness does not involve literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers true through painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stirs up contempt."

I like this very much. And given time, I think this is the avenue I can pursue. For now...I let it go. Pray to God to grant me peace in my life. Pray to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

amen...