Definition of "Success"

So probably 15 or 16 years ago, I got my first tattoo. Many folks say, you want to make SURE that it is something that is important to you, something that holds value in your life, that holds meaning, holds nostalgia.

I had something to prove to myself. I wanted to show myself that I could, in fact, endure pain. That I could have something that I created that I would hold near and dear as a reminder of my effort. I asked many folks recommendations and what I could expect from the experience. Many told me to expect the outlining to be the hardest part, that by the time they get to the shading portion of the tattoo experience, your skin is numb and would be fine from that point forward. LIES, by the way.
I went off the recommendation of one friend and found the little shop in south Omaha and gave the show owner a call. I went down for my appointment and began to look through the many, many, MANY examples they had on the shop walls. After many ideas and decisions, I finally picked a sun burst design and wanted to place an symbol for "success" in the center of it. I opted for shades of yellow, orange, reds, and black.

Years have past and I now look back on that choice and think, "What the heck were you thinking, Higdem?"

The colors have since faded and all that is left is this outline of the sun burst and this symbol for SUCCESS. I think it is the later that I question the most. SUCCESS...such an ambiguous term and how exactly does that one word become a life mantra when there are so many others I could have chosen?

PEACE.
BREATHE.
FORWARD.
JOY.
So many other options I could have selected and yet I chose SUCCESS...Feel like it was such an odd choice.

I look back on my life and the journey I have taken to get here to this place, to this moment, to this fork in the road and think, could there not have been a stronger choice of words to describe me as a person, as a performer, as an artist, as a fellow human on this road called life and I could have chosen something other than SUCCESS.

What exactly does SUCCESS mean? How does one achieve absolute SUCCESS? Truth be told, I don't think you can...You can't. If you are like me, you are always looking forward, looking towards the next rung on the ladder to climb towards, looking back and thinking, were you absolutely successful? ABSOLUTELY achieved everything without scrapes, without doubts, without second thoughts, without disappointments and bruises.

But also truth be told, it is the bumps and bruises and disappointments that DEFINE us. It is in those moments of self-reflection that we truly see what God was trying to show us, to teach us. I was just saying this past weekend, that I look forward to June when I can spend a little reflection time to look back and think now what the heck were you trying to show me, God, when you threw these hurdles at me? I am not there yet. I am immersed in the RACE. I am in the middle of the hectic push to the end and it is exhausting. The future looks questionable at the moment. I am not sure. I am tired. I am trying to just hang on by the cuticles on the rock ledge and get to the finish line before I can take that MUCH NEEDED break.

And one thing is assured...that tattoo is coming up on a redesign...
What it will look like, not sure...but it will have a stronger connection to my soul than some obscure random element that I am questioning 15 years later...