Grief and Gratitude

 While listening to Anderson Cooper's podcast on grief, entitled "All There Is", he does a phenomenal job of opening himself up. He is raw and present and not afraid to show his emotions as he asks the questions we all struggle with when faced with grief and all it encompasses. Of particular note are his interviews with Stephen Colbert (Season 1) and President Biden (Season 2). 

Stephen Cobert's interview speaks of gratitude for grief and how he has navigated through that. He lost his father and two brothers in a plane crash back in 1974. Now while I can see the old adage that "Time Heals Everything"...the concept of gratitude for feeling grief is NOT a concept I am ready to embrace. I still feel a vast amount of emotions around the passing of both my moms but gratitude for the process is NOT a way I would explain my feelings at the moment. I still struggle sometimes on the daily or weekly with regards to feeling their absence and it is varying degrees of depth I feel. Sometimes it is a passing thought, sometimes it is a full-on cry fest. I feel them near me still, which I guess I am grateful for but also feel immense sadness that they are not close to me as we have been in the past.

One aspect I CAN wrap my mind around, centers on an interview Colbert did with Andrew Garfield at the passing of his own mother. Garfield compared grief and sadness to "misplaced love". It is the presence of immense amounts of love for the person gone and having nowhere to put it once they leave us to journey by ourselves...and so it falls down into grief. I can totally buy into this concept for sure.

But am I grateful for the grief and sadness? NO. I would much rather have them here and in my life. And for that, I feel anger. For that, I feel sadness and loss. The gratitude I feel for my mom, Bonnie, is in all she taught me, the example she lead, the vibrancy she brought to our relationship, the fact that she waited for me to be there before she went over, but the amount of grief I have felt at this departure is NOT something I am grateful for. Folks speak of the fact that if we are lucky enough to experience grief, we will have also experienced great love and a journey together...but gratitude is not something I feel at this departure and the process I have had to go through since this departure.

For Pam, it is immense gratitude for acceptance, for love, for the ability to connect on a level that I rarely see in others, and for always being willing to listen and help me when I needed her. Her departure is still very raw for me and I am not at a place where I can fully verbalize where I am in my grief process over her departure.

The silence of these departures still feels deafening. They still fill my thoughts and my own mom holds me when the struggle is real...I can feel her presence and for THAT I am grateful. The hurt and anger I feel at Pam's death has yet to shift towards that but I know that it will. Colbert speaks about the rooms in the mansions of our lives where we are able to open that door at birth and inhabit the rooms of our lives together. However, once that door is closed, whether it is in a more quiet manner, or a violent manner, or a medium struggle to close the door...however it eventually happens, we are no longer able to share life experiences together and we are left out in the hallway staring at the closed door with a door handle that has disappeared and we are no longer allowed access and that SUCKS and hurts. 

I guess I am still staring at these handle-less doors in a hallway feeling frustrated and unable(or unwilling) ( or not strong enough as of yet) to move fully away from that door and move on. And perhaps that's it...for some departures, we don't move fully away from that door and move forward toward letting everything become just a passing memory. I struggle to keep some memories alive...family and friends pass along and I think about them occasionally...I have not had a day that I do not think about Mom and Pam. And for now, I am okay with that.

Just some thoughts to think about friends...

In it for the right reasons...

 The older I get, the more I find myself stepping back and taking in what is going on around me. I sometimes look back on my past and shake my head. It used to be such a whir of movement...the next directing gig, the building of the resume for the big job ahead, the focus on what was around the corner. I think at the time, I was in it for some of the right reasons, but also not paying attention to making sure folks felt like they were getting all of my focus. I feel bad about that.

What I have learned today is...STOP. Breathe and be present. Make the most of each and every moment as it presents itself. And be PROUD of who you are today and what you have accomplished.

There are always going to be folks, who will present themselves in a way that is clearly being  "in it for the wrong reasons" and to them, I say God Bless. Folks who are always about themselves, or presenting themselves in a certain manner and doing things in another way that negates what they represent, and for that, I just don't have the patience. Whether it is the accolades, pretense, or the kudos and the constant need for praise, one has to come to the realization that you are not going to be able to change them, but you also cannot live their live experience for them and those are life lessons they are gonna have to learn for themselves. It comes from some insecurity and believe me, it has taken a long time for me to recognize that in myself as well and attempt to adjust it.

When you are asked to do a job, do it well. Do it knowing that your own name and brand will be on it and be proud of the product you are putting out there, at all times. And make sure that each person you interact with feels like they have 100% of you...your focus, your attention, your shoulder. And I KNOW I have been GUILTY of not doing that in the past and feel great regret at that fact. What was the cost? This is a huge lesson learned, my friends...so take it for what you may...

Folks will say this or say that about me and I have learned, on some level, to stay on my own course and not allow other's opinions to get the best of me...if at all possible. Speak up for myself and my accomplishments when needed, but always take a higher road towards humility and connection and putting my very best out there. Knowing, on some levels, I cannot control other's opinions of me so I just keep pushing forward in a mode of kindness and love first and foremost, navigate the ups and downs and curves life throws at me the best I can, and apologize when I know I have been wrong. Build connection where I can and pay attention at all times to life's ups and downs. For for God sake, don't shy away from the the difficult conversations when you know you can say something to help.

And for all things even higher and holier, try not to focus on regret for the choices I have made in the past. Make amends where you can, but also give yourself grace in knowing that your past is your past and there may be things you needed to do, because that was the mode you were in when you were in the thick of it all.

Carry on...

Facing your grief

A while back, I took a lengthy drive to Minnesota for my cousin Steven's funeral. I made a stop in Minneapolis to have breakfast with life-long friends and we played quick catch-up. We talked about a large array of topics and things...lots to catch up on. One of the podcasts they suggested I listen to was Anderson Cooper's podcast called All There Is. This podcast focuses on his journey through and with grief after the passing of his mother, Gloria Vanderbuilt. I love these long road-trips when I find something thought provoking to listen to along the way.

Lightbulb flashes all the way back to Arkansas. Cooper's journey in and around grief, his sadness, facing the inner checklist and the immense feeling of responsibility to honor your loved ones. It all rang so true to my heart and I share it with folks on the daily if you are struggling with grief. The podcast is powerful and entering into season 2.

My family has experienced an immense amount of grief over the last year and a half. One of the things I learned, navigating through the passing of my mother, is that we all navigate grief on differing levels and that no one is the same. And it is HARD. And it is razor sharp. And it is overwhelming and dark and crazy. I have written about this in the past.

What has stuck out to me this time around is having to navigate the passing of a strong, vibrant woman who's electricity filled every home and room she inhabited. Some are navigating quite healthily, and some not so much. It is not my place to tell someone how to navigate this overwhelming experience, but am also learning that it is not your place to tell me, or force me, how I am going to be expected to navigate my own grief.

Over the last 7 or 8 months, the emotional rollercoaster has navigated away from grief and towards differing opinions on how long to grieve, or pulling folks THROUGH grief and you just cannot do that. Truthfully, I feel angered by this thought process and truthfully have felt like I needed to shift into parent mode, into big brother mode, to help with the situation that truthfully,  I don't feel like I was able to just sit in the grief I feel at Pam's passing. Some of this was learned behavior...jumping into directing Memphis to make Pam proud, forcing feeling aside to "deal with later", ignoring all the signs and symptons and just getting on with life. Struggling through the next year with bringing up more about my own mother's passing...and then navigating through my own Dad's journey of loneliness and loss...

There is much to be said about 30 years of marriage. 30 years of guidance, and love, and support and kindness, and vibrancy, and electricity to have it all swiped away in a matter of a year and a half, in the manner that it went down. We lost her to a glioblastoma brain cancer and to watch that slide into nothingness was absolutely heartbreaking, leaving us all to figure it all out on our own. And that hurts so much. And I am angry. This is hard to watch the fallout still occurring to this day and you just sit there and wonder, "Where is the bottom to this? When will we hit so we can rebuild whatever is left?"

But then to watch folks attempt to what appears to be quickly picking up the pieces and attempting to move forward is also heartbreaking and anger filling. In my own heart, she deserves so much more than to just move on so quickly. But friends, what I learned is that these are my own thoughts and what is right for me at a certain moment on this grief journey, is not the journey I can try and force on someone else for that is their journey. Not mine. And vice versa.

But it is important to face your grief. Allow yourself grace and time to sit with grief for awhile and whatever that may bring. You just cannot force it. You cannot embrace the awful assumed "Well now its time to move on and move forward. You have had enough time to grieve...move on. What's your problem?" American society attempts to dictate at what rate is the APPROPRIATE time frame to grieve and it is WRONG and unhealthy and debilitating to do so.

No one gets to do that. No one gets to decide at what rate and pace you get to grieve. And sadly, when you do that, you run the risk of driving a wedge between you and folks by coming across as a dick. (if I am going to be honest)

If I am also going to be honest, there isn't a DAY that I do not think about my mom. There isn't a DAY that goes by that I do not think about Pam. Folks will come and go from our lives and given time, sadness fades to fondness of memories...but we carry grief with us every day once it enters our lives. It just comes at varying levels of depth and importance. Grief is the inevitable friend no one wants to answer the door to, and yet it will force itself into your safe place eventually. We all will feel it's entrance and will feel great anger at it's stay. And it will define how you move forward in your life for awhile, to varying levels of importance. A new normal as I have typed before.

And as for me, I am needing a reboot and a back track. I was forced to navigate drama and others' grief expectations and left mine on a shelf somewhere...needing to be the dutiful son, the big brother my sister's needed...and while I am thankful for these roles and being able to do that and be there for my family, I also lost track of my own grief and pushed aside what I needed to ( a habit I learned way too early in my life) and spiraled into the family drama, expounding so much energy into the need to help, that I lost track on where I was in my own grieving process. 

I share this with each of you to encourage grace for folks around you. And for God's sake, pay attention and be present for one who is grieving. You may not know what to say, but just being present and hugging and hold space for someone is important. But through all of this, hold space for your own time and focus. Your own journey through grief and what it all looks like on the other side. With eyes wide open (as much as you can in the darkness) and with open heart.

You are loved, my fellow sojourners. Carry on.