A while back, I took a lengthy drive to Minnesota for my cousin Steven's funeral. I made a stop in Minneapolis to have breakfast with life-long friends and we played quick catch-up. We talked about a large array of topics and things...lots to catch up on. One of the podcasts they suggested I listen to was Anderson Cooper's podcast called All There Is. This podcast focuses on his journey through and with grief after the passing of his mother, Gloria Vanderbuilt. I love these long road-trips when I find something thought provoking to listen to along the way.
Lightbulb flashes all the way back to Arkansas. Cooper's journey in and around grief, his sadness, facing the inner checklist and the immense feeling of responsibility to honor your loved ones. It all rang so true to my heart and I share it with folks on the daily if you are struggling with grief. The podcast is powerful and entering into season 2.
My family has experienced an immense amount of grief over the last year and a half. One of the things I learned, navigating through the passing of my mother, is that we all navigate grief on differing levels and that no one is the same. And it is HARD. And it is razor sharp. And it is overwhelming and dark and crazy. I have written about this in the past.
What has stuck out to me this time around is having to navigate the passing of a strong, vibrant woman who's electricity filled every home and room she inhabited. Some are navigating quite healthily, and some not so much. It is not my place to tell someone how to navigate this overwhelming experience, but am also learning that it is not your place to tell me, or force me, how I am going to be expected to navigate my own grief.
Over the last 7 or 8 months, the emotional rollercoaster has navigated away from grief and towards differing opinions on how long to grieve, or pulling folks THROUGH grief and you just cannot do that. Truthfully, I feel angered by this thought process and truthfully have felt like I needed to shift into parent mode, into big brother mode, to help with the situation that truthfully, I don't feel like I was able to just sit in the grief I feel at Pam's passing. Some of this was learned behavior...jumping into directing Memphis to make Pam proud, forcing feeling aside to "deal with later", ignoring all the signs and symptons and just getting on with life. Struggling through the next year with bringing up more about my own mother's passing...and then navigating through my own Dad's journey of loneliness and loss...
There is much to be said about 30 years of marriage. 30 years of guidance, and love, and support and kindness, and vibrancy, and electricity to have it all swiped away in a matter of a year and a half, in the manner that it went down. We lost her to a glioblastoma brain cancer and to watch that slide into nothingness was absolutely heartbreaking, leaving us all to figure it all out on our own. And that hurts so much. And I am angry. This is hard to watch the fallout still occurring to this day and you just sit there and wonder, "Where is the bottom to this? When will we hit so we can rebuild whatever is left?"
But then to watch folks attempt to what appears to be quickly picking up the pieces and attempting to move forward is also heartbreaking and anger filling. In my own heart, she deserves so much more than to just move on so quickly. But friends, what I learned is that these are my own thoughts and what is right for me at a certain moment on this grief journey, is not the journey I can try and force on someone else for that is their journey. Not mine. And vice versa.
But it is important to face your grief. Allow yourself grace and time to sit with grief for awhile and whatever that may bring. You just cannot force it. You cannot embrace the awful assumed "Well now its time to move on and move forward. You have had enough time to grieve...move on. What's your problem?" American society attempts to dictate at what rate is the APPROPRIATE time frame to grieve and it is WRONG and unhealthy and debilitating to do so.
No one gets to do that. No one gets to decide at what rate and pace you get to grieve. And sadly, when you do that, you run the risk of driving a wedge between you and folks by coming across as a dick. (if I am going to be honest)
If I am also going to be honest, there isn't a DAY that I do not think about my mom. There isn't a DAY that goes by that I do not think about Pam. Folks will come and go from our lives and given time, sadness fades to fondness of memories...but we carry grief with us every day once it enters our lives. It just comes at varying levels of depth and importance. Grief is the inevitable friend no one wants to answer the door to, and yet it will force itself into your safe place eventually. We all will feel it's entrance and will feel great anger at it's stay. And it will define how you move forward in your life for awhile, to varying levels of importance. A new normal as I have typed before.
And as for me, I am needing a reboot and a back track. I was forced to navigate drama and others' grief expectations and left mine on a shelf somewhere...needing to be the dutiful son, the big brother my sister's needed...and while I am thankful for these roles and being able to do that and be there for my family, I also lost track of my own grief and pushed aside what I needed to ( a habit I learned way too early in my life) and spiraled into the family drama, expounding so much energy into the need to help, that I lost track on where I was in my own grieving process.
I share this with each of you to encourage grace for folks around you. And for God's sake, pay attention and be present for one who is grieving. You may not know what to say, but just being present and hugging and hold space for someone is important. But through all of this, hold space for your own time and focus. Your own journey through grief and what it all looks like on the other side. With eyes wide open (as much as you can in the darkness) and with open heart.
You are loved, my fellow sojourners. Carry on.
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