For some reason...

I have a milestone birthday coming up in a few weeks and I am just not as gracious and as excited and as pumped about it as much as my other high school friends seem to be about reaching it. I have friends who are wanting to throw parties. My family is wanting to throw surprise parties. I however, just want to crawl into a cave somewhere and just let this one pass. I have told them all, "The more I can forget this one, the better off I am going to feel."

"but no means yes..." is what I am being told...and yet I really feel no means NO in this round of ideas.

I don't like the idea of mourning the "Passing of Youth". I do not like the idea of wearing black, draping everything in drab, dark colors, throwing parties with tombstones, black balloons, black streamers, and signs screaming, "Lordy, Lordy..." 

I throw myself into the idea of throwing my mom the best retirement party we can throw. It is being thrown on the same day as the inevitable birthday...if I can just forget it and throw a better party with the family, the happier I will feel. Truly...the less mentioned this birthday is, the better I will feel... I would much rather celebrate something else this year than celebrating the blackness and passing. I know that I threw partieslike this in the past, yet for some reason, I cannot be as graceful about it as friends and family members have been. I just want to fight this one so much.

I think what it really boils down to is the idea of the passing of youth. I can look into the mirror every morning and see the grey/ white creeping onto my face and hairline. I can see the wrinkles beginning to form and I just want to erase it all. I just want to find the REWIND button and go back a little ways and be able to keep on experiencing new adventures with a younger age. Here's the crazy part...I do NOT want to go back and RELIVE the life experiences. I am sooooo happy with where and who I am today. But if I could just stop time to let me play catch up a bit. Soothe this milestone just a bit... I am just not prepared for this hurdle.

Maybe it is the idea that I still feel young. I still feel like I am in my early 30's. Perhaps that is the secret. Perhaps that is what I fear. Growing older and still being "young" in my mind and heart. Watching the image in the mirror grow older and still feeling like I can party like a child. Letting the image betray your mind. And that just makes me so sad...

I just want to go into the 40's guns blazing fighting all the way...is this what the idea of a midlife crisis looks like? That idea of fighting the passing of youth and thinking you are invinceable? Holy crapballs...this sucks...