The defining moment of my Christmas...

There were so many defining moments of this years Christmas...

The family being together.
Justin and I in our first home together with a chance to start some of our own traditions.
The energy of the kids getting so excited to open up the presents.
The excitement of presents that were a hit.

The tears of presenting Blaine with the Bible that Doug had given me. I told him that this was something that was very special to me, given to me by my own godfather, and it was time to pass it along to him. Let's just say that I was kinda blubbering a bit (no shocker here) and Blaine was the true trooper saying that he would save it to open at home on Christmas morning. He even told his Momma that the present he had placed in her purse was something very special to Uncle Brandon and that he had put it in there to save for opening later. Made me feel really really great!

The candlelight service at church...you know, like I said last year, cannot make it through Silent Night without tears. It is the flood of thoughts of Christmases past, the thoughts of loved ones gone, in combo with the candlelight and the beautiful music. Was really beautiful and moving.
No it was truly not these wonderful moments that defined my Christmas this year.

No, it happened to be a Christmas card I had received from my cousin up in northern Minnesota that I happened to open right before I left for the folk's house for preparation for dinner. I only hear from them once a year, at Christmastime, and maybe see them once a year as well. I kinda thought something was odd this year with the card coming from them addressed only to me. The card was ordinary, no picture from their eventful year, handwritten which I cannot figure out how people do that for every card. I had given that up years ago, opting for form letter format, and get quite the razzing for.

No this card also included a typed message from this particular cousin stating that she had continued to read all of my past Christmas letters and because of a comment in this year's Christmas letter concerning the rights of all Americans to have equal and same rights for all, including marriage or civil unions or what have you, she felt the need to finally respond. What followed was a conglomeration of Bible verses, how the lifestyle I "chose" was wrong in the eye's of God and was clearly stated in the Bible, how Justin is probably a good person, but that she was drawing some sort of a line. What she went on to state was that she would always love me as we are family, but that she basically did not accept me for who I truly am. How my own actions were, in God's eyes, punishable by death and a true sentence to hell, as was stated in the Bible. How sad that she chose Christmas Day to unleash this. I am not sure what her true intentions actually were for writing a letter of this sort??

With tears welling up in my eyes, I had to have my very own Emma Thompson moment from the movie "Love Actually", somehow trying to pull myself together, and get over to the folk's house and be with my family. How was I supposed to hide this one on my face? Enter the Joni Mitchell music here if you would like.

How could someone who considers herself family feel that this was the appropriate time to say anything of this caliber? So much hate disguised as familial love. So much Biblical babble. I had been actually expecting this for quite sometime, but truth be known, I had expected it from her mother, my aunt. I did not think that it would come from this cousin. Surprise of all surprises.

How could she look at me and not even "know" me? Her ignorance saddens me most of all. Most people have known for years, some even before I knew my own self. How could she be that blind and not see, or upon reflection, realize that this has been my true calling in life? I feel I am only following the path that God had set me towards all my life. I have always felt different. I have always felt like I was not that masculine, hunter, farmer, gatherer the entire family in Northern Minnesota was. I was, and continue to be, the nurturer, crafter, artsy family member and always sat with the women during family get togethers as this was where I felt more comfortable. I never hunted, never wanted to talk fishing, know next to nothing about cars...how is it that I would not come to this realization and live the life I was truly meant to live? I could go on with all the other realizations, but that would be ridiculous and sound like a broken record. And am I to ignore this side of me? SERIOUSLY?

I struggle very much with what the Bible teaches. I have all my life, as one could imagine. I use Jesus's life as a model for my own, as much as I possibly can. Never once does He point out that you are to hate certain people, exclude certain people, but you are to love your fellow man and treat them as you yourself would wish to be treated. Never once does Jesus state this and in fact embraces his fellow man and treats the downtrodden with decency and provide healing power to all people.

I pray for inner peace every night. I pray for my family's health and happiness and pray for inner guidance. I pray for my friends and for Justin. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for Jesus to show me the way. This was my prayer, with tears streaming down my face, in the candlelight of the church service, with Silent Night ringing throughout the space. And a soft voice said in my head and began to get louder and louder, over and over...just say "I forgive you" and move on.

So that is what I am going to do...after the sting has gone down a bit, I will write her a little note, thanking her for her Christmas card, saying always good to hear from you, state that I am saddened at the time frame she chose to reveal her thoughts, defining my Christmas with tears, that it also saddens me that she does not truly know me, that the Christ I follow encouraged me to say, " I forgive You".

And I do forgive her. Sadly I cannot forget, but I most certainly can forgive.

What also is so eye opening to me is the love that I do feel from other family members, even members of the same family as these two women. How odd that views are so different. It is these supportive family members that I am blessed and thankful for....their love and support continues, even if they truly do not fully understand. But yet they can see how happy, how comfortable I finally am within my own skin, how blessed I have to have found someone who loves me for who I am. And some have even said that when Justin and I do decide to have a commitment ceremony to count them in. These are the moments that soften the sting of ignorance.