Reclaiming my power

I think my goal for 2024 is a reclaiming year of my power...in whatever form that means.

Letting go of the insecurities I have felt, the feelings of not being  enough, of not standing up to the folks who hurt me, not standing up for myself, to folks who do things, react, or make choices that they don't see the consequences of and forcing me to be strong enough to set those boundaries and maintain them.

Being in each moment and allowing myself to grow in my silence, in my listening, and react from there instead of feeling the constant need to fix things or be the one who folks bring the drama to for fixing.

Having the difficult conversations...

May 2024 be the year I find where my true power lies...remind myself of power I have lost track of...see that's truthfully it, friends...it is power I have lost sight of as it has always been there. Underneath...lurking under uncertainty, insecurity, guilt, shame...whatever I have allowed to overwhelm it.

And that is on me to fix. That is on me to navigate. 

Therein lies the journey for 2024. And I am ready for it. 

I think.

We shall see.

Owning your Truth

 

So much has changed. It seems that life ebbs and flows and comes in and comes out like the ocean. I have felt like society's view of gay people has done this very same thing. Coming out back in '93 was scary and jarring, unnerving and uncertain as to the response. But when I did come out to many folks, their response was that they had already sensed this in me and who I was and were okay with it. But it was still something that I shrouded in shame and guilt and having to navigate as a question mark rather than an exclamation point.

There in lies the onward struggle....finding my exclamation point moment for my life...the search and the journey to wholeness and fulfillment of who I am at my core.

And it has been a journey...

• Coming out to friends and family.
• Coming out to close friends I had crushes on, only to be not reciprocated.
• What the Bible says, what I had been taught, what a conservative upbringing in Lutheranism actually meant and how to navigate that for myself.
• The GUILT and SHAME of all that fire and damnation.
• Loving someone who just could not reciprocate it.
• Forced in a nine passenger mini-van for 4 months with someone who you thought was a friend, only to find that they had backstabbed you and was dating the person they had introduced YOU to.
• The dating scene...UFF.
• Yearning for Prince Charming but ignoring the actual reality of your situation until you give it space.
• Growing in a community that was a double edged sword...self-centered and body conscious...and a meat market...but also having self-loathing and body negativity.
• Jumping into a moment that scares the piss out of you, only to find that it brought you out of your shell and provided a year of growth and possibility (Thank you, Mr. Max)
• Jello Wrestling for Charity.
• Clogging Coyote-Ugly-Style on a bar full of lights and patrons...raising money for charity.
• New uses for hot glue and mirror shirts
• Christmas Cabaret One Man shows.
• Friends and connections beyond compare.
• Moving into uncertain territory for a job I KNEW I could do, but was I ready for?
• Meeting the man of my dreams...growing from there.
• Relatives throwing rocks from glass houses and I quickly began to realize where the true support actually was coming from.
• Never having been called a "Faggot" or "Queer"
• Same Sex Marriage Act  passing and marrying the man I love with all my family and friends.
• Living basically back in the closet in a "Good Ole Boy's Club" community all to be a teacher of the craft I loved.
• Learning that the word Tolerance felt different 
• MOVING up to NWA and realizing that this community would ask me to share my story with my kiddos and grow from there.
• Living out and PROUD and sharing my life with my students...
• Recognizing the importance of living a life and creating a classroom environment that I did NOT have when I was growing up.
• Finding my purpose in life.
• Figuring out what to do with guilt and shame. Still am...
• Having a country elect someone who encouraged anger and hatred to have a place at the table.
• Having elected officials tell it's community what you can and cannot say in your life and in your community and in your classroom.
• Making you feel less than others and not valued.
• Being called an ABOMINATION and how to deal with that.
• Hoping that I can still make a difference in my classroom and in my student's lives by living authentically, in the face of opposition.
• Hoping that you are a presence for your LGBTQ+ students that you are OKAY, you are loved, and you are IMPORTANT.
• Wearing LOVE everywhere I go in the face of BIGGOTRY, HATRED, and discourse...as Jesus would truly have wanted.

And for God's sake, it is OK to SAY GAY. To be GAY, to be comfortable in your own skin, to be who you are and NO ONE can take that away from you. Be the presence folks (and kiddos) need in a world I didn't have growing up in and being PROUD of it all. Helping others in their time of need and trying not to live in fear of being hurt.

SO SAY GAY.

GAY and PROUD OF IT!

GAY and OK!

EXCLAMATION POINT.

Journey on, fellow journey folks!

Boundaries are HARD

I learned a hard lesson in 2023...which will also extend into 2024.

Boundaries are HARD.

In the past, I have invested SO MUCH energy in everything I undertook. While that is beneficial and important and valuable, it is also exhausting and sometimes not reciprocated. In the past, whether it was matched or not, I continued to invest, to exude the energy through contact and connection and paid no attention to the consequences.

At what cost...

I have always been told that I am the one who maintains connection with old friends, have always reached out, have always been the one who called, the one who stayed the constant...but at what cost?

Through therapy and many visits with my husband, I came to the realization that I just was not good at boundaries...setting them, maintaining them...any of it. Truth be told, I am still learning these. I have always been afraid to hurt people's feelings, to disappoint people's expectations of me, or what I thought I needed to be. I have always wanted to be like my Dad and folks I look up to( mentors if you will) ... someone people reached out to, who are remembered for being kind, someone of strong advice, a go-to...but at what cost. I found that I was the one exuding the most energy, expending the most time to maintain the connection...

But I have come to realize that we are all human and make mistakes. That folks sometimes aren't as genuine as you remember them. God-forbid that, as you observe these folks you look up to, you begin to realize that their intentions are not always solid and formidable. That they are in it all for the appearances and not in it for the true investment, for the common good of others...and I KNOW I sometimes have a problem with this as well... Here is where the boundary wall needs to be set...and navigated.

The cost, I have come to find, is me...my welfare, my own energy, and exhaustion. 

What I have learned ( and am still learning) is to pay attention to the details...become more observant to the underscore rather than the presentation. Who reaches out without me having to? Whose intentions are a stronger undercurrent rather than what they put out there physically... Who are genuine in their intentions? That sometimes I do not have to be the life of the party, but can actually learn more in silence...and by listening...and observing...and grow from there.

And for that AH-Ha I am grateful. 

The consequence I have learned is that I have lost touch with folks, which is OKAY. Life gets us all...the hecticness of it all, the rat race, and the moving forward motion of life.

But also...setting strong boundaries are important. Learning that other people's choices are indeed that...their choices... and that there are sometimes ramifications for those choices has been a tough lesson for me to navigate and figure out. But I have to protect myself from the hurt caused AND protect those that I love and am closest to in the process. And that is important.

In 2024, I will continue to grow from there.

More soon.

Owning your potential 2023

 I have been away for too long. Here, at the end of the year 2023, and folks are adding in their "What have I learned?" posts and whether it is the contemplativeness of ending a year and beginning a new one, I am also in that head space and 2023 has been a journey for sure. A journey of growth, a journey of pain and a journey of figuring out who I am. Yes, at 51 years old, I am still growing and learning what makes me tick...sounds weird to type that or even say that. I can hear folks say, "But holy hell, you are in your 50's. Haven't you got it figured out by now?" Truthfully, there are a number of things I HAVE figured out.

I wanted to share a 2023 moment that was a occurrence that left me gobsmacked by the time I had completed it. Jump back to 1998 and a young BBH heading to fill a contract in Omaha, Nebraska and falling in love with the community, the area, the people, and the arts scene there. So much theatre and I just felt at home. I felt like I had become a part of an intrinsic family at many of the theatres in the community and fell in love with all the scene was producing and just wanted to be a part of it all.

Now call it youth. Call it knowing deep down feeling the need to build my resume to accomplish great things. Call it pushing away the pain of a childhood divorce trauma that put me in constant "GO" mode...but I knew deep down that when a position opened up at the nation's largest community theatre, I wanted to be a part of it all. As I said to so many folks, who I had become close family and friends with, if there was a potential to throw my hat in for leadership at THAT theatre at the highest level, I would indeed do that. And do that I did.

It has been 15 years since I took on the teaching journey, and there have been 3, maybe 4, opportunities to throw my hat in for that position. I have always touted my talent, the large resume of shows I have built over the years, what I would bring to the table, but also the STRONG community connection I still maintain to this very day. And their choice has always been to go outside of the community, for that New York connection, for which I can see the notoriety of it all. But a phrase I have embraced over the years has been, "How has that worked for you?" Because of the 3 opportunities I have had to be able to throw my hat in for whatever came to me, you can see that these decisions to go out of community have pulled folks in who have used this theatre as a stepping stone, or pulling someone in who just doesn't understand the community and they have been asked to leave. 

The last selection was the hardest one to take as I prepared for a whole year to get that interview. Hours upon hours of preparation, and power points, and research, and thought, and passion, and fore thought and finally got the word that I would get an actual interview with the search company (in New Jersey). It went so well and I was so excited. Jump ahead and found out that I did not even get in front of the theatre's search committee and that I would "understand once the candidate was revealed". They announced their selection and I was just puzzled. All I could see was a younger version of me...and a young man who maybe had a bit more arts management and I just cannot wrap my head around what kind of school THAT avenue would entail. I am too old to go back to MORE school and just have this crazy resume I worked so hard to build.

We then jump ahead and they announce the associate position opening and I look at the job requirements and it was ME. ALL OVER IT...ME...my interview points...It was everything I had interviewed with for the head position and I just got more and more puzzled. A friend (on the search committee) asked if I was applying and I replied with a solid NO. "No... when you could have had a stronger candidate bring all of that education and entertainment experience in the head position, and you chose elsewhere." The response was, "Well, he is no Brandon Box-Higdem and you have been gone for such a long time." (This friend had encouraged me to get my face, my work, back in front of folks up in the theatre scene and I just could not pull all of that together...you hire from outside the community and that candidate doesn't need to "get their face in front of the community"...why would I?)

BAM.

That was when the AH-HA moment hit. And it was time. I had never realized that this was a moment where I needed to OWN who I was as a director, first and foremost. Who I was as an artist. Who I was as a creator and nurturer and champion of the arts. I had down-played for too long and had I took a deep breath.

"You are right, friend, he is no Brandon Box-Higdem. You all have consistently gone outside of the community and chosen someone who doesn't understand your community. I have always maintained my friendships from folks I considered colleagues, family, and close friends in the area and yet you chose someone younger and just as talented as I. I have built a solid resume from which to provide a firm base on confidence and craft and strong reviews. And to you all, I say good luck. Good luck and I hope he doesn't use this as a jumping off spot...a place from where to build a career rather than a place I could come home to and help to grow. So NO I will not be applying once again when you could have had this in your head position"

It was at that moment that I realized I had owned my potential and perhaps hadn't understood that in the past. In the past, I had approached this as a part "Savior complex" situation, part love and adoration of the craft and the theatre, part long time dream and goal I had set for myself. But this time was different. This time I stood up in my strength and knew that something had shifted for me. I knew I needed to own my strength, own what I bring to the table, and that my journey is my own. Own whose loss it truly has always been and that it was as much theirs as it was mine. And that, after all the preparation and time I had put into getting myself ready and in a headspace each time I applied, I knew deep down that they would do what they always had, out of the notoriety of it all... and that the outcome would ALWAYS be the same...I knew deep down that their choice would indeed be forward moving...

And that lesson would be on THEM to learn...something that I could not teach them.

Jump ahead and sure enough, he has moved on. I reached out to my friend and just said, "For God's sake, please get this next one right." Only time will tell... I am in such a different headspace...no I will not be reapplying as that is a mess I would not attempt to help. Part of me wants them to reach out, part of me wants them to see what a passion I have had for their theatre in the past, but also part of me KNOWS that it has been 15 years of growth on my behalf and that I can choose where I place my passion...I can choose what opportunities I place in my horizon and I can CHOOSE what will bring me happiness in my future and that, my fellow sojourners, is for more therapy sessions in the future. 

But for that ONE moment...I was able to see my own potential for what it was and for that I am grateful. I move forward in that headspace into 2024.