I have been away for too long. Here, at the end of the year 2023, and folks are adding in their "What have I learned?" posts and whether it is the contemplativeness of ending a year and beginning a new one, I am also in that head space and 2023 has been a journey for sure. A journey of growth, a journey of pain and a journey of figuring out who I am. Yes, at 51 years old, I am still growing and learning what makes me tick...sounds weird to type that or even say that. I can hear folks say, "But holy hell, you are in your 50's. Haven't you got it figured out by now?" Truthfully, there are a number of things I HAVE figured out.
I wanted to share a 2023 moment that was a occurrence that left me gobsmacked by the time I had completed it. Jump back to 1998 and a young BBH heading to fill a contract in Omaha, Nebraska and falling in love with the community, the area, the people, and the arts scene there. So much theatre and I just felt at home. I felt like I had become a part of an intrinsic family at many of the theatres in the community and fell in love with all the scene was producing and just wanted to be a part of it all.
Now call it youth. Call it knowing deep down feeling the need to build my resume to accomplish great things. Call it pushing away the pain of a childhood divorce trauma that put me in constant "GO" mode...but I knew deep down that when a position opened up at the nation's largest community theatre, I wanted to be a part of it all. As I said to so many folks, who I had become close family and friends with, if there was a potential to throw my hat in for leadership at THAT theatre at the highest level, I would indeed do that. And do that I did.
It has been 15 years since I took on the teaching journey, and there have been 3, maybe 4, opportunities to throw my hat in for that position. I have always touted my talent, the large resume of shows I have built over the years, what I would bring to the table, but also the STRONG community connection I still maintain to this very day. And their choice has always been to go outside of the community, for that New York connection, for which I can see the notoriety of it all. But a phrase I have embraced over the years has been, "How has that worked for you?" Because of the 3 opportunities I have had to be able to throw my hat in for whatever came to me, you can see that these decisions to go out of community have pulled folks in who have used this theatre as a stepping stone, or pulling someone in who just doesn't understand the community and they have been asked to leave.
The last selection was the hardest one to take as I prepared for a whole year to get that interview. Hours upon hours of preparation, and power points, and research, and thought, and passion, and fore thought and finally got the word that I would get an actual interview with the search company (in New Jersey). It went so well and I was so excited. Jump ahead and found out that I did not even get in front of the theatre's search committee and that I would "understand once the candidate was revealed". They announced their selection and I was just puzzled. All I could see was a younger version of me...and a young man who maybe had a bit more arts management and I just cannot wrap my head around what kind of school THAT avenue would entail. I am too old to go back to MORE school and just have this crazy resume I worked so hard to build.
We then jump ahead and they announce the associate position opening and I look at the job requirements and it was ME. ALL OVER IT...ME...my interview points...It was everything I had interviewed with for the head position and I just got more and more puzzled. A friend (on the search committee) asked if I was applying and I replied with a solid NO. "No... when you could have had a stronger candidate bring all of that education and entertainment experience in the head position, and you chose elsewhere." The response was, "Well, he is no Brandon Box-Higdem and you have been gone for such a long time." (This friend had encouraged me to get my face, my work, back in front of folks up in the theatre scene and I just could not pull all of that together...you hire from outside the community and that candidate doesn't need to "get their face in front of the community"...why would I?)
BAM.
That was when the AH-HA moment hit. And it was time. I had never realized that this was a moment where I needed to OWN who I was as a director, first and foremost. Who I was as an artist. Who I was as a creator and nurturer and champion of the arts. I had down-played for too long and had I took a deep breath.
"You are right, friend, he is no Brandon Box-Higdem. You all have consistently gone outside of the community and chosen someone who doesn't understand your community. I have always maintained my friendships from folks I considered colleagues, family, and close friends in the area and yet you chose someone younger and just as talented as I. I have built a solid resume from which to provide a firm base on confidence and craft and strong reviews. And to you all, I say good luck. Good luck and I hope he doesn't use this as a jumping off spot...a place from where to build a career rather than a place I could come home to and help to grow. So NO I will not be applying once again when you could have had this in your head position"
It was at that moment that I realized I had owned my potential and perhaps hadn't understood that in the past. In the past, I had approached this as a part "Savior complex" situation, part love and adoration of the craft and the theatre, part long time dream and goal I had set for myself. But this time was different. This time I stood up in my strength and knew that something had shifted for me. I knew I needed to own my strength, own what I bring to the table, and that my journey is my own. Own whose loss it truly has always been and that it was as much theirs as it was mine. And that, after all the preparation and time I had put into getting myself ready and in a headspace each time I applied, I knew deep down that they would do what they always had, out of the notoriety of it all... and that the outcome would ALWAYS be the same...I knew deep down that their choice would indeed be forward moving...
And that lesson would be on THEM to learn...something that I could not teach them.
Jump ahead and sure enough, he has moved on. I reached out to my friend and just said, "For God's sake, please get this next one right." Only time will tell... I am in such a different headspace...no I will not be reapplying as that is a mess I would not attempt to help. Part of me wants them to reach out, part of me wants them to see what a passion I have had for their theatre in the past, but also part of me KNOWS that it has been 15 years of growth on my behalf and that I can choose where I place my passion...I can choose what opportunities I place in my horizon and I can CHOOSE what will bring me happiness in my future and that, my fellow sojourners, is for more therapy sessions in the future.
But for that ONE moment...I was able to see my own potential for what it was and for that I am grateful. I move forward in that headspace into 2024.
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