Thinking of Matty...

There is a man, in Omaha...

A Crazy, Zany, Sparkling, Loving, Passionate, Multi-talented man...

There is a man in Omaha...

One who gives and gives and gives and shows such vitality onstage.

There is a man in Omaha...

Who brings joy and life to everyone around him.

Who LOVES his Huskers with such Passion...

To even have the FIGHT SONG on CD to play in a 12 passenger van while on tour...

There is a man in Omaha...

Who is the most politically incorrect man I have ever met...

Who will tell you like it is...

Who will always remind me of Billy and Wendel...and make me laugh hysterically...

"Sometimes when I squeeze my puppy, he poops"

There is a man in Omaha...

Who is leaving us, after a long battle with cancer...

Matty, you have blessed us with such laughter. You have blessed us all with such wonderful memories and I will always cherish the chances I got to work with you onstage. I feel so blessed.

Matty, it is ok to go. It is ok to just let go. Don't hang on, if you do not want to. You have already put up such a BRAVE FIGHT! You can now move forward two spaces and do not stop at go...

We love you, Matty, so much! The pain is over and you have such an awesome journey ahead of you...a journey that we are envious of...a journey that leads you to a bigger stage...one with brighter lights and a kick ass sound system...free from pain and filled with such sweet peace and lightness of being...

Random Musings

Ok...so occasionally I like to either become an artist or be part of the art...or will just post random goofiness...

Sometimes I get too poetical...to lofty and just need a moment to goof off and lay it out there...

ENJOY!!!

The masks we wear...

I am teaching a whole lesson on the Greek Theatre and its origins. Did you know that the word theatre originated from the Greek word theatron which means "seeing place"? Or that the first theatrical performances were performed in honor of Dionysis, the God of wine and fertility? Or that the first winner of the City Dionysia was the playwright Thespis, who also created the first actor and also was the first to use masks?

But, while teaching this class, I began to wonder...what kind of masks do we all wear at times in our lives? There are so many masks we wear especially when we are young. So many times, when we do not feel comfortable or feel supported or feel free to be who we truly are, we put on that mask that we can hide and feel safe behind. We go through such awkwardness, gawkiness and torment while we are in junior and high school. No one is safe. So many secrets to push down and push away.

It is only much much later, when the years have rolled by that we come to realizations about our true selves that we come to appreciate our inner most thoughts and feelings. Finding ourselves comfortable enough to let down out guard and let someone in...

To truly put down the mask and let someone into your most inner thoughts, into your heart, taking the first step towards love and flight. That is the sign of true growth...

I am MELTING!

So after a really bad last few days at school...

I came home to hear the pitter patter of little feet and got the best surprise ever...

My sister, Claudia brought Blaine and Anna over and Anna ran up to me and kissed me...

That was the best feeling ever...and totally made everything else blur and pale in comparison...

No matter how bad a day i could have...

No matter how many disrepectful students I have to reprimand...

No matter how many papers need to get graded...

No matter how many hours are in a day...

My family brings me joy and helps to buffer the pain...

It all pales when little kisses and smiles greet you at the door...

And give me a shot in the arm...

I am blessed and feeling so grateful for where I am.

A Healthy Balance

So the other day in class, I had a boring review of Commedia Del Arte planned as my class had a quiz coming up and then we were going to get back to doing some improv games. That was what the lesson plan was. I could feel like the class was unfocused somehow? They were restless, chatty, and heads were going down one by one. I decided to get them through the torture of stock characters, spontaneity, and lazzi and get them on their feet as quick as possible.
I got them onto one game and the chatting continued, particularly by two students who should have known better. They had both been warned before. So the thought process is do I write them up? I could feel myself coming unraveled and getting irritated. So I stopped the game. I decided to turn what was meant to be a fun portion of the class into writing a paper, all because students could not focus and keeps their mouths closed.
I could feel my blood boiling. I was so angry. I just do not remember my high school classes being so unfocused, so untrained, so not ready for college. But maybe that is it...maybe today's youth are not ready.
So one of my students peeked his head into my office and apologized for talking, when it was not even him being the problem. He actually has become one of my favorite students. He makes me giggle in class. Actually there are quite a few students who are like that. There are so many students that I just absolutely look forward to seeing every day! They make me smile! I guess that is why I do this. It is for them. It is for them that I get upset when doofuses ruin what could be a great class and turn it into one where I get ruffled and force them to write papers.
The next day, another student stopped me to apologize for yesterday's class. He mentioned that when he had come into my class (2 weeks late), he was scared and just knew he would hate this class. He was forced to take the class because it was the only class left that he could take on the schedule. However, he told me that he absolutely loves my class and was sad that those TWO students had ruined it for the rest. He said, "You do know that it is only two students who are the problem, don't you?" I agreed and do understand. So now it is how to refocus the problem children and get the class back on track...
Trying to find a happy balance between fun and studious endeavors...the challenges of being a first year teacher...

around the corner...

i am not rich.
i am not stunning.
i am not ordinary.
i am not in flux.
I am finally, for the first time, in my life finding true grace. Finding a true course on a wayward life path that has taken such huge twists and turns. The roller coaster ride of life.
I am focused.
I am finding bliss.
I am finding a course in my life that for the first time feels "right".
I am finding love.
I am finding true meanings of family.
I am finally able to be there for my nephew, who lost another tooth, There is something to be said about being able to tuck him in before leaving...into the "Blaine Burrito".
I am finally able to be a presence in my sisters' lives. To be able to be there for support, to be a shoulder they may need when the going gets tough.
I am finding that there are new and exciting things around every corner.
and for that...
I am Grateful.

ahhhhhh FOOTBALL and siblings!!

So Blaine completed his first season of football today. I did not get to go to watch as many of his games as I had wanted to, but it sure was nice to see that smile today and know that he was happy to see me there. He did fairly well and ran like the dickens.
A few weeks ago, my sister Rosemary, caught this moment between Blaine and Anna. It was so sweet that I just wanted to include it on here. I just hope deep down that they remain this close even when they get older.
Blaine Garrett loves his sister so much and this was so sweet. A moment caught on film and now we can share.

An Invitation

So, I find little glimmers of light in various areas of my life. Occasionally, I come across literary works that I find great appreciation in...
If you have never had the chance to read Oriah Mountain Dreamer's "The Invitation", you should. There are so many sections of this piece that ring profoundly in my life at different times. I am going to include a couple of sections here in the next few paragraphs...

"I want to know if you can sit with PAIN, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your toes, without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, to remember the limitations of being Human."

~I love what this says. Regardless of what emotion you or someone else are feeling, you have to be willing to let yourself FEEL whatever emotion comes to you. Not to hide it. Not to relish in it. Just break all boundaries, all human boundaries and live fully, feel fully, and not shy away from the hard times. Do not shy away from living every moment to its fullest.

"It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventures of being alive."

~ I want to know, regardless of age, that you are willing love, to take that chance to leap and trust that the net will follow. I want to know that you are willing to walk to the edge of the ledge, take a deep breath and make a huge choice to take a risk on love or to follow your dreams. So many times, people just shy away from taking a chance on experiencing love or struggling to meet the goals they have set in thier life. And at the slightest sign of hurt or uncomfortable moments, you shy away and sulk back into the darkness. WHY?
Garth Brooks said it best when he sings from the song, 'The Dance", by stating, 'Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"
SO PROFOUND!!

"It does not interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back."

~AMAZING. Are you willing to stand right in the middle of the chaos, in the middle of the ring, and take all that is coming at us and be strong enough to not shrink back into the darkness?
I do not care who you know. So many times we try to name drop to impress, to show we are somehow better than others. We uncomfortably try to hold our own or make ourselves to be something we are not, and for what? Why would you? Knowing full well, that you are gonna go running the minute the heat turns up. I wanna know if you will stand right there and take it all in and show your strength and perseverance.

Thank you, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, for this wonderful piece of poetry. It speaks to me differently every time I reread it. I find new nuggets of knowledge, new glimmers of light, new fireworks of "ah ha" moments that I cannot ignore.

Classroom Management & the "N" Word

So, as a new teacher, you find that there are lots of things you have to learn and learn it quickly. Lesson plans. Studying your craft. Making sure that you stay up on entering all grades and attendance online correctly. Group Educate. Differentiated education. And while worrying about all of that, you have to focus on classroom management and all that the students bring to the table.

In the past few weeks, I have had a student who has been acting out. She makes vocal groans and whines when she doesn't want to take notes. She shows up tardy consistently. She is unfocused and not going to be ready for college if this behavior continues.

Last Friday, she straggles in tardy and shuffles around the room trying to pull everything together for class while the rest of the class is silently reading their books. Someone said something to her, to which she yelled out, "Shut up, N*@@&#!" I promptly asked her to step up to my podium to ask her to step out into the auditorium and have a seat til I was ready to deal with her. I pulled myself together, wrote her up, and paged a school official to come get her.

When we approached her, she got all whiny and said, "Aw Mr. Higdem, you wrote me up?" I then responded, " I wrote you up for being tardy, for disrupting the class who was trying to focus and for saying what you said. I do NOT allow language of that sort in my classroom!"

Here is the clincher...it seems her grandmother is the President of the local chapter of NAACP!!! Totally ironic. How can it be that someone could have such a horrific word in your vocabulary and use it so freely who has someone in their lives who fights so hard against its usage???

I know that it is different for white people when they say it in comparison to when black people say it. It has a different connotation and understanding, but it makes me uncomfortable to hear it. I now know what my friend, Mike McCandless, felt when he had to say it our musical Ragtime. He was so uncomfortable...but that character was defined by its usage.

It is so derogatory and has such a huge stigma attached to it. And now I live in the South and am learning so many things...and pushing so many limits and forcing myself to decide what I will and will not take in my classroom.



UPDATE: After a weekend away, she approached me prior to class and apologized for what she said and how she acted. I am thankful she found her big girl panties, put them on, and brought herself back to adult table instead of sitting at the kiddie one.

The Achievement of SUCCESS

You know? Today, two of my very good friends just accomplshed a major goal in their lives and I want to scream it from the rooftops!
They ran the Chicago Marathon!!!!!!!
They have been preparing for this for a very long time, have put in numerous hours of running, lots of shoe lace tying, lots of sacrifice, lots of sweat, and lots of tears.
I am so PROUD of you, Anthony and Erin!!
You both are ROCKSTARS in my book!!!

For P.E. Pendleton & Faith

i much prefer
my church
my temple
to be all of
Mother Earth
and more
The Universe
so when I want to be reminded of
Love
I walk
not into
a building of brick and mortar
but out
of one
where I am encircled
by the dancing heavens
and lifted
to my place.
-P.E. Pendleton
2/6/93

I have struggled with my faith for so many years. Struggled with myself and with God for so many years. I have struggled with the Bible and some of its teachings.
I do not believe that God would hate someone who is different from so many people.
I feel that we are all created in the face of God. He does not create trash and things that are not beautiful in His eye's.
I do not believe that church and love and God and faith and all the lofty ideas that go along with it can be confined to four brick and mortar walls. I find more peace and closeness to God when I am seated at the top of a butte in the Badlands of North Dakota or out in nature feeling the crisp fall air blow through my face as I look out into the red and orange leaved trees.
There is where God lives...

Wow!! Here I go...leaping and hoping for a net!

Taking a leap is the scariest thing anyone can do. And you hang there suspended in mid-air and hope for a net to catch you and bring you safely to the ground. You ignore that "inner voice", that inner critic that says to you, "What the HELL are you thinking" and go straight for the precipe.
About 9 months ago, an idea was consumated and began to evolve. Teaching high school students theatre and speech after working in retail for 11 years. Crazy thought.
There were many hurdles I had to leap over to get to the end goal. Those hurdles were leapt over one by one and have flown by me at such a blurry speed. I almost did not recognize them as they flew by...taking test after test and the worry that goes with meeting such deadlines. Hoping that by the time i got to the end of the test taking schedule that there would indeed be a job for me in the area of the state I wanted to be in. Someone up above looked out for me and indeed a job presented itself for application.
Interviews, waiting, application money sent in hopes that the job would all come together. Oddly it did and here i am about to complete my first 9 weeks.
I am not normally a leaper. Or better yet...It has been a long time since I have leaped like this. Here I am...still waiting for the proverbial "ball to drop".
And these new shoes feel so so on my feet. They feel great towards some students and events and feel not so great towards other. I just have to keep reminding myelf that I am here for a reason and most of all...I am teaching a craft I absolutely adore and it is NOT RETAIL.
I have started this blog because I enjoy reading my friend's lives. I want my life to mean something. I want to be someone who can be thought of as making a difference, someone who lived life to the very marrow of the bone and never EVER said I "coulda, shoulda, woulda" done this if only because...I cannot be that type of person and not go crazy because of it...
I am thankful for so many things...
I am sad about so many things...
I miss so many people in my life, but am grateful for this amazing opportunity and wait with breathless abandon at standing on the edge of the precipe and feeling the wind rush past my face, taking my breath away, as I take that first step and leap out into a world that I have no limits...no boundaries...no hesitation...