AGREE TO DISAGREE

For some of you new to my blog, you may have missed this blog post from December 2011...if you get the chance to read it, please do:


http://bdhigdem.blogspot.com/2011/12/defining-moment-of-my-christmas.html




It has been since this time, that I had decided to forgive and move on. In fact, this moment in my life has defined many of the blog posts that have followed, sadly, but also has become incredibly life defining. Many a post on is it possible to forgive and not forget, which we found it is. This blog became incredibly cathartic and life changing for me.




My uncle's funeral was actually the first time these family members and I have been together since the sending of the letter. I had 15 1/2 hours of playing it over and over and over in my head as to what would be happening. I knew that we would be in the same room together, in the same vicinity, and knew that something would be said. My mom and I had planned on just ignoring...for this moment, this occasion was not about any sort of complications...other than being there for my aunt, godmother, cousin, and their families. Supporting them. Holding them up. Hugging them and crying together.




We did fairly well. I avoided my offending aunt rather smoothly. It was not the time for small talk and I was not having it. I am not sure how many times one can give the same comment about how much my Dad and I look the same (even thought its true) and not get the point that small talk was not going to happen.





Yet we made it through the visitation service. Beautiful video montage of family photos and sweet music, kind words, memories shared, tears flow, lots of Kleenex, prayers, and hugs around. As I am hugging my cousins, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and am in an immediate hard hug. My cousin, who had sent the offensive letter so long ago, had chosen this moment to hug it out. Now in my head all I can think of is, "Here it comes".


She whispers into my ear, while crying, " Brandon, I am so sorry. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I sent the letter in hopes that we could have had an open, honest communication. I never meant to hurt you. I love you and hope that we can agree to disagree on this." All I could see was blurry. What the heck? I am a few feet away from my uncle who had just passed and am kinda blind-sided. I could feel the sincerity in her voice and could feel her apology was also sincere. I whispered back, "I know. Thank you."


 I pull back and say to her, "You have to know that you did not hurt just me, but you also hurt my partner...someone I love very VERY much." And then it happened.


The offending aunt swooped in and was just too much..." Are we okay now? Can this be over? Is this all good. Cause you know, Brandon, we just have to agree to disagree on this and move on."


And then I feel fire. I feel red. I feel the light bulb go on and remember thinking, " Ahhhhhh I see now. This is where you planned on having this. You wanted this casket side momentous feeling of forgiveness and acceptance...AND you coached each other on this as the exact same words came out of your mouths." NICE!!!!


I went on, "You know," pointing to the casket, " What I said about that man and his entire family is the truth. Don and Doris, his entire family love me and my partner unconditionally...it is a love without judgment. Without expectations. And your love comes with judgment."


My aunt then said, "We don't judge you, Brandon. We are going to God do the judging."

SERIOUSLY?????????????????????????????? And that doesn't REAK of judgment and pompous piety??

I pulled away and hugs continued. Hugs with phrases like, "I had hoped and prayed something like this would happen." And I just felt sick to my stomach.




Now if any of you know me well, you know that this did not settle for many days thereafter...sleep eludes me and I just have to get it on the page. So yes, a letter is being written to put the final moments and thoughts to rest.

Here’s the deal…as much as they both deny this, what they are asking is extremely judgmental in nature. How do they expect me to “agree to disagree” on something that is at the very core of who I am as a human being? It would be like me saying, “Hey, you know what? I don’t agree that you are a woman. So can we just ‘agree to disagree’ about that?” or ““Hey, you know what? I don’t agree that you are a mother. So can we just ‘agree to disagree’ about that?” And that is something that I cannot do and honestly feel offended that a request would be made like that.


They are asking me to deny the fact that I am who I am at my very being. I am a gay man, was born this way, and am thankfully and blessedly in a VERY loving relationship with my partner of five years. I feel very blessed to have Justin in my life. We have every intention of getting married in the near future and having a family as well. I feel very blessed to have the support of all of our parents, Justin’s grandparents, and a majority of our family on ALL sides. I could go on and on and try to show them all of the findings, scientific and biblical in nature…but alas I know it would fall on deaf ears. How sad that they would choose to alienate themselves from your entire family, who love and support us, on this issue?  


They both also continually reminded me that evening of how much “they love me”. But it was exactly as I wrote in my note read during the service and this is the primary differences between their idea of love and the example Don’s family has set with ours. Don's family has embraced who I am, who I love, and do this WITHOUT judgment or malice. They have ALWAYS done this and have never told me I am anything less than someone they could love unconditionally.  It is this idea of unconditional love, this idea that there are no requirements, no demands, no definitions of “how you believe one person should live their life if it is different than yours” that rings true throughout Don's family.


I wonder if they will be able to see the difference between the two? Their love is conditional for it comes with requirements, demands, and definitions…Unconditional love does not. Their love is  “I love you. Period.” while judgmental  love is “I love you…but.” They are asking things of me that I cannot comply with and all under the guise of familial love, asking me to deny who I am, deny my life, and try and live it the way THEY want me to live, by THEIR standards, under the guise of the Old Testament and “God’s standards”, but it is not their life to live. God gave me this life to live and I pray for His guidance every day on how he would want me to live my life… They feel I must comply with something they believe to be true and got burned. BAD.


Thoughts?