He became the first of my class...

It was a moment that I just never ever wanted to face, yet sadly, we as human beings must face at some point...for everything there is a beginning and there is an ending...for everyone there is a time and a place and a truth. A moment when everything falls into place and a moment when everything disrupts and falls apart.




One of our own has left us. One of our brightest lights has been snuffed out...too soon... too soon. I went to school with Bryan. I shared many a stage with Bryan during my high school and grad school years. I have such amazingly fond memories of these moments...he was fearless...he was willing to try anything for the sake of his art,,,even in high school. He tried to dye his hair black for a role and it came back dark black/blue...mostly blue than desired black... we laughed and laughed. But he went on...


I found my true footing with Bryan at the helm. He helped me through my own coming out process by just being the glorious human being he was...he was a man who welcomed everyone with his smile and his huge heart. He had an uncanny way of putting EVERYTHING into perspective. He was able to calm the roughest storm by just putting his own humorous spin on it. We worked together on projects. We laughed and shared life together, helping each other through school, helping each other over the hurdles being thrown at us.


I was able to share a few moments of his journey with him but as life's roads go...we lost track of each other. Sadly this happens so many times on the rough terrain of life's curves. We were able to reconnect a few years back and the beauty of our relationship is that we picked up right where we left off...and this was the beauty of Bryan. Life had dealt Bryan some rough blows and I could see he was suffering yet the beauty of Bryan was that he was open and honest about all of these struggles and yet he was looking forward to moving to California and pursue his dreams of playwrighting at the David Henry Hwang Writers Institute. The skies were opening for Bryan and I could see his excitement! His talent for the written word was immense and his creativity exploded not only on the stage but also on the page.


My birthday was this passed June 2nd. Facebook is an amazing tool and a way to reconnect with friends from the past. I had not heard from Bryan in many years since his move to CA however I could see he was doing well creatively through his posts and comments. I received the following message on Facebook: "Dearest Brandon- I miss you much and think of you often. I find I get lost dealing with health issues and trying to keep up with my writing. I'm never on FaceBook anymore. That said, I hop you are well and life is everything you've hoped for... Dreamed of. I wish for you the HaPpiEsT oF BiRtHdAyS! May the well-wishes you receive serve as a reminder of not only how much YOU are loved, but how much you have loved us ALL! A toast to you!: "Cheers to You and here's to years of future reminders." You are on my mind and in my heart dear old friend." It was the sweetest message I received and felt so honored to hear from him. I truly believed that I would be able to share a few more life stories with my sweet friend.


I knew there were health issues, but never once did Bryan allow this to be a defining factor of his life...he remained true to his dreams, to his friends, and his family.


Sadly 12 days later, I received news that he had passed away from his illnesses. I am so saddened by this news and true to form, Bryan reached out to me and made my day extra special even in the last few days of his life. I guess I didn't know how ill he was? Perhaps it was sudden, perhaps it was not...but Bryan would not be the type of person to make it an issue and for that, you will never be forgotten my friend. No matter how much was thrown at you, you rocked through this life with grace, with humor and joy. Life with you in it has been such a true blessing.


Sail on sweet friend. Sail on and grace the glorious stage God has set for you. You are loved and are missed already.

In darkness...seeking light...

April 28, 2014 Time magazine included a lovely article entitled "Let There be Night". It centers around finding God in the darkest of times but also searching him out in the nighttime skies. The article was wonderful and stated, "Most spiritual seekers spend their lives pursuing enlightenment. But this Eastertide, Barbara Brown Taylor, who ranks among America's leading theologians is encouraging believers and nonbelievers not only to seek the light but to face the darkness too, something the 21st century Americans tend to resist....contemporary spirituality is too feel-good, that darkness holds more lessons than the light and that contrary to what many of us have long believed, it is sometimes in the bleakest void that God is nearest"


PROFUND AH HA moment.


She goes on to state that our spiritual avoidance of darkness may be dangerous. We aer encouraged to get over our darkness, our sadness, and fix it all quickly rather than embrace it and work our way through it...


Never before have I felt closer to God than outside. One evening many years ago we were night hiking out in the Badlands. We decided to climb one of the buttes a few miles in on the trail. I was skeptical and fearful as I could not imagine what was lurking in the darkness...but the beauty of the stars and moon enlightened the ground and surroundings. So it was not completely dark. As we struggled our way up the side of the butte, we finally made it to the top and found our place up there amongst the scoria and grasses. It was truly beautiful and awe-inspiring. It was almost as if you could reach out and touch the stars...reach out to feel the light and touch the face of God. Never had I felt closer to God in all my life...in the darkness reaching out...and seeing the night skies lit up with twinkles and meteor showers. It was an awesome evening and extremely spiritual.

When all else fails...

I am sure that God is speaking to me and telling me in the loudest way possible, "Simmah Down Nah"
In his own time...


I was in church this morning and the sermon topic rang true once again...The preacher basically said that all of our own struggles are self-created and that are a product of wishing for "what we want" versus praying for "what we need".

We create the struggles in life by praying and aiming for what we want out of life and experience the impatience, the turmoil, the angst over these types of prayers...perhaps speaking true to my own heart?? I hear you loud and clear, KEEMOSAWBEE!!!!


Perhaps I should truthfully be praying for something more along the lines of what I need.


I need patience.
I need to trust that if God needs me to be somewhere, He will most definitely line up everything to put me in that very space, at the right and appropriate time.


But this is so hard at times when your hopes and dreams are a part of the mix. the life you envision for yourself, the goals you have set for your life's path, and doors slightly ajar with hints of light flowing into the dark hallway to entice you...it is rough and a difficult thing to remain true to the path and the patience to trust that He has everything in line for you...

Love this!!!!!!

To ignore it is to approve it...

Fred Phelps, the former leader of the Westboro Baptist Church and leader of the HATE movement across America, died this passed week. A short lived sigh of relief could be heard across the land.


Phelps was the largest promoter of hate across the state and came to the forefront by picketing the funeral of Matthew Shepherd, a gay man who was beaten and strung up on the plains of Laramie, Wyoming to die. "God Hates Fags" was his battle cry, and "Enjoy Hell" was his signage.


Years have passed and Phelps and his hateful clan have been found picketing many funerals, including military funerals, claiming that these soldiers died, or the Iraq war happened because of gay people and the United States allowing this immorality.


Well, Phelps died this passed week and many are wondering how his followers/family are going to handle this or will the hate stop. His church has asked that there be no picketing of his funeral, if there is going to be a funeral. Many have said that there will probably not be a funeral, which is pure chicken shit. The family released a statement. "This is a very difficult time for us," the statement reads, " so we ask that the public have a little decency and respect by allowing us to mourn a great man who served God and tried to protect America from the threat of fags and perverts. (i.e gays and U.S soldiers)"


I am sorry... WHAT???
A HUGE HELL NO to that!


They don't get that choice. Especially since the Shepherd and every military family did not get that choice to be exposed to the Phelp's version of hate. Families did not get the chance to say no to the long drive from church to graveside and have to see the Phelp's family brand of HATE and HURT and AWFULNESS. What the family fears if that they will receive the same treatment they unleashed on the entire country if they have a funeral for their patriarch of hate.


Now mind you, I am not saying that we should be as hurtful as he was.


I am thinking that this protest should be SILENT. THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of protesters standing with duct tape across their mouths and a "NoH8" painted on their cheeks.


Seems a fitting tribute and a much needed voice during this time of "difficulty" for a family who has created such awful, disgusting bile in a peaceful country.


A friend posted, "Simply ignoring it and letting it go by unnoticed does not bring "grace" to the forefront. Being there, yet with dignity, does...to ignore it is to approve it."


I could not agree more...

Unexpected Shots of Light...

Just when I thought that life was darkest...God sends me a little shaft of light to break through and show me a little bit of purpose.


I experienced yet another momentous first the other day...I was able to attend a former student's wedding and celebrate this with them. I came into the church and stood in line to be able to sign the guest book and to put my card in the basket. I do this and take a program and notice a woman standing next to the table, all dressed up and looking me right in the eye. She then says to me, " I have been waiting, hoping you would be able to get here for today." She then asks if she can give me a hug.


Mind you. I am horrible with names yet she looked sooooooo familiar to me. As she hugged me, she says in my ear, " I am so grateful to you. I am so glad that my son has found such a great mentor in you and felt comfortable enough to come out to you."


Shots of light. This is a mom to one of my Forensics team students who sought me out to share something he has been going through. It was so humbling as I live a very quiet life and do not talk about my personal life with my students. I just feel like there is a separation between my work and my life and do not want any lines to be crossed. But I was so grateful that he felt comfortable enough to share this with me and to ask questions. I was able to share life experiences, life moments when I found nuggets of knowledge, of light, of ah ha moments and hopefully help him to begin this coming out process to his parents and family. I was able to share my own personal struggle with faith and what the bible says about homosexuality. Thankfully, he has come out and has been embraced and supported, which is not always the case.


She went on to say that she was so grateful that her son was able to feel comfortable to come out to me, that I shared my life experiences with him, and that I had also included my faith struggle and what I learned about my own life and what God has intended for it. She just kept hugging and talking and I was so moved that as I walked away, I could feel the tears in my eyes...


Its those moments that I am so grateful. I can feel my purpose. I can know that this is why I am here, at this moment, and know that God is leading me through...

What do you fear?

As many of you may or may not know, I have been going through a HUGE inner struggle. I am not privy to go into it here at this point and time but will when the time comes. I know that that is very ambiguous but it is all I can muster at this point.


There are times when I feel that God is speaking to me when I am silent, when I am open, when I am truly listening.


Today was no exception. I woke this morning with a headache. Justin and I went out last night and spent time with friends. It was a much needed outing that was really nice to reconnect. What I was not prepared for was the headache I had this morning. And I did NOT drink but maybe one and half drinks over the entire eve. But perhaps it is a product of all of the personal strife and stress I have been going through over work, over life in general, over trying to find common ground. I had thought about not going to church this morning and just holing up in my bedroom and resting. However, I knew that I needed to go. I wanted to go. I had to go.


So I popped two aspirin, got a cup of coffee in my gullet and drove to church.




Church was packed and I was able to find a seat in the back, One of the moments I find special joy in is the act of listening and sitting in the silence of prayer during the service. I was not prepared for the overwhelming feeling of emotions to rush over me and the tears to come streaming down my face.


And then Pastor Will began his sermon and I could feel him speaking to my very core. And more tears began to flow...




"What do you fear? When you see fear coming, where do you turn?"




Fear could be actual fear or life struggles. When you see the struggles of life presenting itself, where do you turn? Where can you turn? What do you do?




" Are we willing to trust God or ourselves when life presents itself and its struggles?"


Are we able to trust God on this life's path or are we trying to take control and try to lead our own lives the way we would want it? I find that I am the latter. Most definitely I am struggle to try and direct my own life to the way I would want it. Life today is not the way I had envisioned it five years ago. Life has altered itself and changed and is not as glowing as what I had envisioned for myself. And here recently, I have tried and tried and tried to redirect my life. I have prayed for patience. I have prayed for guidance. I have argued with those around me. I have become physically tired and emotionally debilitated.




Then we read Isaiah 7:1-9 and a few phrases stuck out to me. "Be careful, keep calm, and don't be afraid. Do not lose heart"




Allow my heart to be still. Allow my lack of trust to be exposed and to redirect and BELIEVE that God has a plan. Be Calm. Be Silent. TRUST that God has a plan for you. Ignore the fear as best you can and look ahead and trust that God has it together for you. STOP trying to hang on with your very cuticles and let go.




"Fear is a place but faith is also a place. If you do not STAND FIRM in your faith, you shall not stand at all"



SO I guess I need to redirect once again.
And TRUST!!
And BELIEVE that if God is in control of my life, that he will lead me where he wants me to be.